some support required

lyinghere

Hi everyone,

lad in my mid 20's here. I'v been coming to terms with my sexuality for the last few years and in the last year have somewhat got to grips with it personally, i'm not weirded out by it as much as i used to be but theres a long way to go.

i suppose my main problem is that i'm struggling to take this to the next step and start telling people, as well as this i have had no same sex experience for a start, so i have no real basis for what i'd be telling anyone.

i have been chatting to some really great lads online that are in a similar situation, but as sound as these lads are i dont feel comfortable to meet them. there are too many variables going on here meeting a lad as well as normal 1st date nerves. i'm the type of person that wants to meet people face to face and spark off each other, or not if thats the case. i would not be comfortable with going to a gay bar alone. that'd just be weird sure.

I think i just want to put some of my thoughts down here because maybe this might act as an incentive to actually take some steps to make my life what i want it to be. i am scared of coming out, i dont like change. i know it wont be a major deal with my friends, i think my father will hate it but will get over it, my mother will not like it either. i do think the biggest part of the problem is that they will be embarrassed by it. i do think they'd get over it, if not i'm completely financially independent so i could cope but that would be the worst case scenario, family is the most important thing to me. i guess from a sentence such as this the advice will be just go for it, but its always more difficult than that. as much as i know its for the best its important to point out how much i dont want to do this and i'm the type of guy who puts things off. its very easy to let this just keep going on week by week because thats the easy thing to do.

some people say start with telling a friend, i do worry that this would be like opening some sort of flood gate that i'm not ready to deal with yet. i think if i did come out i woudnt know what to do then even! i also dont like the idea of telling friends and somehow my family hearing it back somehow before i told them.

this situation is just consuming so much of my thoughts right now thought, i laid awake just thinking about this the other night. my life is on pause. i'm not happy about it and just getting by but i want to start living and i'm jelous of my friends in relationships. i often feel like a dud as i am the constantly single one. there has been one or two really great girls who have wanted to go out with me but i couldnt do it to them when i have these thoughts, i'm not going to mess with their feelings to test out my sexuality. all the same its been saddening that if i wasnt in this situation i could have been very happy, it hurts me that i couldnt have had a relationship with these girls.

i have come here for some support to make some changes and now it is written down somewhere i suppose theres a slightly higher chance of me acting on it. i have been following some similar posts here which have helped me to where i am today, i dont think i could have written this post in this manner a year ago. i would like to point out that there is a high chance that the people who do support might get tired as i'm not the most decisive and cant see myself making the changes i want to any time soon.

anyhow, apologies for the long ramblings and looking forward to your thoughts.

Shinaynay

Just want to say firstly that you sound like a really decent guy.

Any of my friends / family who have come out to me have been suprised by mine (and everyone elses) non-reactions.. Because we already knew!
You might be suprisesd but maybe they are all just waiting for you to aknowledge it before they mention it!
Good luck :-)

Irish Aris

I agree with Shinaynay, some people might already know/suspect that you are gay.

I'd say that you are in the right direction. My opinion is that even if yoy tell it to one person, it will help you and make the road easier.
Can you think of someone close to you that you can confide in and get back a positive reaction? That's always a good starting point. And then you can take it one step at time, and in as a slow pace as you like. Nobody is forcing you to come out to everubody at once.

Parents can always be a tricky one, so I will avoid advising you on that area. Once you tell it to a couple of your closest friends, you can start considering telling to your family first - if you have a brother or a sister that you are in good terms with, you can start from there.

Hope this helps, I wish you all the best, take care, don't rush into things!!!

floggg

I know this isn't directly comparable but I was out for my sisters boyfriends birthday at the weekend, and at one point he discretely pointed out one of his friends and asked if I thought he was gay.

I had been told about this guy before - basically all of his friends are fairly sure he's gay and that his "housemate" is actually his long term boyfriend. My sister and her boyfriend had previously asked my advice on what they should say or do about the situation. They absolutely had no problem with him being gay, or even the fact that he didn't trust them enough or whatever to be honest, but felt terrible for his sake that he felt he had to hide it and live a lie.

Point is I guess is that sometimes you make it out to he such a big dramatic deal in your own head and see coming out as an earth shattering event but can't actually see how little it matters to those around you and how they'd only want to see you happy.

I'm not going to guess how your parents will react. What I will say is that if family is so important to you, it's likely you didn't like it up of the ground so to speak and your parents/siblings feel the same way as you. Do you think that if you explained how you felt they would be willing to overcome any surprise or issues if it meant that you would be happy?

As for meeting guys or whatever, it can be rather difficult to do online, especially if you've been talking mainly to guys who are also not out.

Though I know from personal experience that heading off to a gay bar on your own is equally hard.

If you were comfortable with the idea I would suggest getting involved in one of the LGBT sports/social groups. I don't know where you are based but there are loads in Dublin. It's a better way to meet people, you'll have loads of people to go out to bars etc if you want to do that, and it can be very good for somebody still coming to terms with their sexuality to see normal well adjusted gay people and to dispel some if the preconceived notions or stereotypes.

Whatever way you go about this, it will involve making an effort to put yourself out there more and to go out of your comfort zone. While you may not like change all that much, if you sit back and put it off you'll only end up feeling much worse. You'll find once you put yourself out there that things don't change half as much as you feared in your head though.

Finally, with regard to the order of who you come out to, don't over think it too much. You don't owe anybody anything in this process - it's all about you and what you are comfortable with.

If you have a trusted friend or trusted sibling, that might be a good start, just to get it off your chest. Somebody who you know won't tell others until you are ready for them to do so.

Tell your parents when you are ready, but don't feel bad for telling others first. You're right, it wouldn't be good for them to hear it second hand. But as long as you only tell people who you know will exercise common sense and discretion then you'll be ok.

Best of luck with everything.

lyinghere

hi, thanks for the replies above.

in similar posts as the above on this forum i'v always found it helpful to see how people were progressing so i may as well do the same.

i got around to telling one friend, all was grand as i expected, said he didn't know which surprised me because i dont make a massive effort to hide it. there wasn't any major relief if i'm honest, just realisation if anything of the massive task of telling my good friends over the next few months if it takes as much effort as the first, i'v a bad habit of overthinking everything i do which i reckon will serve to seriously slow down the process but sure its got to be done. the most important thing i'v taken from telling that friend is that i know i have the courage to say the words to the others.

i'm also now far more aware of what was my main worry which was telling parents, not sure how long its gonna take me to get to that, but it does have to be done fairly soon as i'm trying to make a fresh start in 2013 in a few areas, this particular area being a priority, i'll prob start with one of the siblings.

also, went along to the 'student meet up' organised on this forum which was a great way to chat to other lads at a similar stage, i would recommend heading along to anyone thats in similar situation as it makes the whole thing seem far more normal.

the above thread was one of a few steps in getting to where i am now and hopefully keeping this updated might encourage me on in next few weeks. looking forward to getting it out of the way because its taking up way too much of my time the last couple of weeks and i'm bored of thinking about it, it would be pretty cool to give this much thought to something constructive!

so thats where i'm at, kind of in my own limbo but definitely positive progress has been made. here's to hoping that the next update will mean i'v got around to chatting with the parents and that they're cool with it eh.

mr.anonymous

Well done on coming out to someone Even though you might not feel relief, you have taken a big step.

I can't speak from experience about coming out to more people than just the first person I told, but I'm sure it'll be easier each time.

Even if you haven't told many (or even any) people, it's still good to know that someone knows, regardless of who it is. I know a few from this forum and it really helps to chat to someone about something that was once your worst secret.

Threads on boards are a great way to express yourself and reading your own from start to finish is a good way to see how much progress you have made.

Things move along nicely once you tell someone I think. Well done again. These threads are always great to read

mnlad

congrats on coming out to your friend its a huge step, its my next step and im sh~tting it but i know its a step i want to take, also the parents same as yourself are an issue however i told my mother about 6 years ago and nothing has been said yet but thats a whole other thread:D, but seriously congrats on accepting yourself its a major part and took me all of 10 years to finally accept myself, well done again and keep us updated

lyinghere

So it has been about 4 months since I last posted and 7 months since the original post and I’m finally in a position to post on here the conclusion to this aspect of my “coming out” story.

Last time I posted about telling a friend which was a massive deal for me at the time. Since then I’ve slowly been telling most of the people I consider my best friends with very positive results. The funny thing is that not one of my friends ever even so much as suspected. Funnily enough one lad said that his girlfriend had asked him once if he ever though I was gay and he said “nah that’s just way he is, definitely not” and one of my female friends told me how one time she was referring to a conversation me and her had one time, with a girl she worked with and the friend asked “is this friend of yours gay” to which she was like “god no”. I find it funny that I thought everyone knew when in reality not one did. On the friend front there are 6 more people I want to tell, I don’t really give a **** after that. It has got easier each time and I feel very close with anyone that I have told.

As regards family, I told my sister a while back and her other half. Once again completely shocked but supportive. The main thing is I finally addressed the parents issue today and it has gone reasonably well. I handed them a letter and told them to come talk to me when they had a chance to read through it. They were completely gobsmacked understandably but they said they were ok with it if I was. My dad’s main concern was that he felt I was unsure of myself which is a fair comment because I'm really not but I told them that I wanted to be in a position to figure that out myself without worrying about their disapproval. They were heading to bed not long after the chat and dad just came in to say goodnight to me as normal. Mam came in and hugged me for 10 minutes, she said dad will need some time but it'll be grand in the long run. Overall, things have went grand going to be a few awkward moments but hopefully things will be back to normal soon, its early days yet but I hope I won’t be back on here seeking advice. Still others to tell in the family, it’s never really going to be done is it.

So to all reading this you can see where I was a few months ago and where I am now. It’s been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do but a very rewarding experience so far, hopefully this will continue. I hope this helps anyone that feels the way I did a while back, my best advice is just tell your best friend, it will be ok, they will not care and it will make a good friendship even stronger. After that you can make a plan about how to tell everyone else you need to tell with the support of a good friend. In the meantime consider going to the meet ups organised on here, it will make things that little bit easier.
Best of Luck.

lyinghere

Was just thinking today it must be about a year since I first posted and i was correct!

last time i posted was in a much better position but still not great about it. I just wanted to say for anyone that might look at my original post on here and feel in the same situation as I was then how much better my life is now than it was then all because I faced up to this.

I am immeasurably happier than I was this time last year. My biggest worry right now is that I'm so happy I'm afraid of something going wrong (touch wood)

Sorting all this out has allowed me to focus on other things in my life that are of benefit to me. might be living in a bit of a bubble cos I'm living in the other side of the world now which was something i always planned to do but happening shortly after coming out has given me great freedom to embrace it all. I've made a lot of new friends - gay and straight. they all know me as someone who is gay and its not any sort of a deal. Its unreal. My hope is that I can make it like this when I'm home - I think its possible/probable there might be some difficulties but not from anyone that matters.

Anyhow I know its easy to say but please don't stress, waste time, dwell on it, lose sleep over it, just get it out there one step at a time and start living your life. I just find it ridiculous that its even an issue now but that's easy for me to say with hindsight.

Pm me if anyone wants any advise. More than happy to listen .