Feedback / criticism of opening page

[-0-]

Hey there,

I'm working on a book. I have never studied literature or attended any sort of creative writing class, so chances are it will be a disaster that will need lots of editing.

I have never really written for anyone either. Please have a quick look at this and let me know what you think. The book I'm attempting to write is about the death of a son in a farming accident, and the difficulties that arise for the parents while trying to come to terms with this. It's a story of turmoil, addiction, sadness.

I have no idea what I will call it. Enjoy!

Gryphonboy

Certainly inspired by current events methinks.

Not bad though. made me cringe thinking about my own marital bliss though...so on that level it's very effective :P

tripper63

Hi there -0- well done for a first draft you should be happy and indeed very topical. I like your use of dialogue and the speech patterns blend in well. Can i suggest one idea and that is maybe to interwine in to the dialogue a feeling of what the characters are feeling as well as saying. Okay at moment dialogue is strained between the two people and everyone is hurting and typical man wont open up and express. Like the reference to not talking after a few drinks taken. Maybe while he pours a drink or waiting on the microwave you could insert in to a couple of lines what the husband is thinking even if he is unable to say it out loud. Only a suggestion but again well done. keep up the good work

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tripper63 wrote: »

Hi there -0- well done for a first draft you should be happy and indeed very topical. I like your use of dialogue and the speech patterns blend in well. Can i suggest one idea and that is maybe to interwine in to the dialogue a feeling of what the characters are feeling as well as saying. Okay at moment dialogue is strained between the two people and everyone is hurting and typical man wont open up and express. Like the reference to not talking after a few drinks taken. Maybe while he pours a drink or waiting on the microwave you could insert in to a couple of lines what the husband is thinking even if he is unable to say it out loud. Only a suggestion but again well done. keep up the good work

Thank you tripper!

tripper63

if i can help in any way just ask

nightb4

Hi,
I think your writing is very good, I was impressed immediately I started reading.
If I was to suggest some constructive criticism as an opening page you seem to have packed a bit too much in.
- He's come back from the pub, his wife is angry, they've both been drinking, their marriage is on the rocks, his son died, in a slurry pit, going after his dog....
I think maybe telling the readers about the troubled evening but not yet telling them the recent history might be better? Leave them to find that out later?

The “odorless gas”, I know the gas is, but odourless is not an image you associate with slurry pits, well not this city dweller!

It is easy to criticise and I would be delighted to be able to write as well as you, only hoping to be constructive.

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Thanks so much, I appreciate all of the feedback.

Rubecula

Great writing [-O-] It made me cringe a bit by it's content, but the writing and the way you expressed it all was excellent.

SEANoftheDEAD

Great little piece OP. Fair play for giving it a bash!

A few things as a reader I would of liken to know a little more about... the whole scene is set in the kitchen, I would of liken to know a little more about the place and maybe the family. Wealthy, Poor, family of 3,4 or 5 etc...

When you say you're writing a book, how long do have you planned to have this story? Novel? Short story?

Best of luck with you're project, a story like this seems to have a predictable ending so I'm very interested in seen what you can come up with for the climax! The writing was very good and the emotions came across very well.

Again fair play to you for giving it a go, keep at it!