any suggestions? specially guys

Jessmith

hey i am 24year female.. i am committed and in a long distance relationship, for some time i have been having few ups and downs with my partner. he's a good guy and i know he's honest but even though its been 10months i still dont understand him. when ever we talk he always seems so distant and indifferent to me .. he had a very bad past relationship so initially i attributed this behaviour to his past experience and i thought as the time passes he will become more loving and giving .. but he is still the same (most of the times...sometimes he does get a bit romantic ) we havnt seen each other much but talk alot and message each other. i'v often brought this topic up but he always says that long distance relationships are difficult and he's always busy and stressed about his work (he works really hard and long hours) i don't know what to do .. sometimes he would not reply to my messages even though i know he's got them and he's online, he would sometimes be insensitive and straight forward and not even apologize for it....he's a saggitarius and i've read alot about it since i got committed..all the websites say that sags are independent and hate being bound..i try not to be needy or too demanding but i just cant understand how to deal with this.


help!

banie01

Just to clarify, are ye together 10 months and long distance from the get go ?
Or have ye been apart 10 months in the LDR portion of the relationship?
With more of a relationship history than that time?
I ask as any advice I can offer and probably most of the other posters here too....
Will be based on how long ye have been together and in what circumstances i.e Long term and entered LDR, or LDR from the off.
I am probably wrong but i get the impression from your post that this is a relationship that started online, and rather than offer advice based on that impression(which is likely wrong).
A bit more background will make a big difference to the relevance of the advice likely to be offered.
As for wondering if his starsign has a bearing on his moods and interactions....
I'll leave that one to the pseudo-scientists.

brandom

Not a guy but I have been in a long distance relationship for the past year, and the situation looks set to continue for another year at least. There is no denying that it can be hard, very hard at times but the only way it can work is for both people to work at it. Communication is key in any relationship but especially so in a LDR. My boyfriend and I don't get to see each other very often, there can be several months between visits but we BOTH make an effort and make use of every tool available to us at every opportunity. You say he seems distant and indifferent, and yes work stress and the distance could be contributing to that but it seems that since you get to see each other so rarely he would be anything but indifferent when he does get the chance to speak or message you. Just one other point, if he has not been "loving and giving" from the beginning its very unlikely that he will change now or ever. I wish you both all the best

Jessmith

banie01 wrote: »

Just to clarify, are ye together 10 months and long distance from the get go ?
Or have ye been apart 10 months in the LDR portion of the relationship?
With more of a relationship history than that time?
I ask as any advice I can offer and probably most of the other posters here too....
Will be based on how long ye have been together and in what circumstances i.e Long term and entered LDR, or LDR from the off.
I am probably wrong but i get the impression from your post that this is a relationship that started online, and rather than offer advice based on that impression(which is likely wrong).
A bit more background will make a big difference to the relevance of the advice likely to be offered.
As for wondering if his starsign has a bearing on his moods and interactions....
I'll leave that one to the pseudo-scientists.

its a bit more complicated than that .. so i'l answer as best as i can.
no it did not start online (not really) i didnt 'meet' him in some chatroom or anything. he lives in the same city as my sister and both of our families know each other way back (i on the other hand live in a different continent)
so in a way my sister hooked us up. I belong to a culture where dating and living with a guy before marriage is not acceptable and we both respect that. so with us being in 2 different parts of the world the only option of us to get to know each other are either through voice/video calls or meeting up if we visit the countries. he was recently here and we got to meet a few times for a few hours but it was just a few chats.
may be i am having too many expectations from him?? i mean its not like we know each other..you can hardly judge someone if the only means of communication and knowing someone is through skype :S but what troubles me is that i go out of my way to make this LDR work, try to be as friendly as i can always try to be there for him, listen to him, i am understanding of his work n long hours, i dont demand too much, be as un-needy as possible but still there are a few things that would make me happy n less whiny. I just feel if he would just appreciate me more, be more nice and romantic!

i dont know if i am making any sense or sounding too much of a clingy needy whiner :S

banie01

You wanted advice from a guy, I'm one and I don't clain to speak for the rest of the male species but here are my 2 cents...
1st off thanks for the further background info.

What jumps out at me though. is that there is no actual relationship at all other than some family history, Skype and phone chats and some infrequent in person chats when the 2 of you are in the same city?
What is it that draw's the 2 of you to each other?
Is there any mutual attraction or connection other than family introduction?

IMO and I really don't mean to be harsh saying this, you don't have a LDR, you have an acquaintance.
Yes Skype and calls can be a great way to keep a relationship going when folks are apart, but it is not much use in actually building a relationship when 2 people don't really know each other...
You can speak to someone on the phone, but actually getting to know someone takes a lot more than a sisters recommendation, or family history...
So much of attraction is dependent on physically meeting someone and knowing them(and I don't mean carnally!)

You are getting stressed out about your committed LDR when to most outsiders (who wouldn't be aware of your cultural norm) when there is no actual committed relationship at all...
To most peoples mind, a committed relationship(whilst not necessarily always sexual) involves friendship, companionship, mutual support and respect that is grown via an affinity for each other, a genuine knowing and liking of each other, shared interests even if the only interest is each other...
You say

I just feel if he would just appreciate me more, be more nice and romantic!

...
Yet from your description of your cultural norm,

I belong to a culture where dating and living with a guy before marriage is not acceptable and we both respect that.

You have said yourself that dating and such is frowned upon, perhaps he doesn't know whats expected of him in this situation?
Or maybe its a case that he see's you more as a friend?
That due to distance and cultural norms and the fact that apart from a few hours meeting whilst he was in your city, that he is unsure of the expectations you have of this relationship?

I think the best thing you can do is talk to him about these things, but expecting romance and more from someone who shares your stated cultural values with regard to dating and pre marital relationships is I think a path to confusion and heartache for yourself unless you talk to him
This is advice from a guy

Jessmith

thanx alot @banie01 what you say makes alot of sense.

LegacyUser

Jessmith wrote: »

....he's a saggitarius and i've read alot about it since i got committed..all the websites say that sags are independent and hate being bound...

You need to stop believing horoscopes first of all, not to come across as a smart arse...

Sofaspud

longontooth wrote: »

You need to stop believing horoscopes first of all, not to come across as a smart arse...

This, whatever you do, don't make any decisions or base any significant thoughts of the relationship on star signs, psychics or superstition.

I too am 24 and been in a long distance relationship for just over a year (been together over 2 years), we see each other every couple of months but talk / skype all the time and we've both on occasion felt how you seem to at the moment.
Long distance relationships are tough and I have on occasion seemed indifferent to my GF but texting and messaging constantly during waking hours can get too much for anyone. There's no question that I love my GF but sometimes it's necessary to go a few hours without texting to prevent conversations running out and getting stale.

Plus,you mentioned he works hard and long hours, when he gets home he probably wants to turn off his brain and unwind, sticking to himself.