family and parents

mariaalice

Has this happened to anyone and how did it work out in the end.


Although it has not happened yet it is looking increasingly likely that out mother will need to go in to a nursing home.

We are very close as a family and have had a family meeting about this and some tension have emerged, we have looked at the fair deal scheme and the difficulties is that some of the family want to make up the shortfall between her pensions and the nursing home costs by use clubbing together and dividing the cost and some want to use the scheme where that balance is taken from her estate. To be fair some family member are considerable better off than other members and could more easily do this and some would be put under severe financial pressure to contribute.

looksee

mariaalice wrote: »

Has this happened to anyone and how did it work out in the end.


Although it has not happened yet it is looking increasingly likely that out mother will need to go in to a nursing home.

We are very close as a family and have had a family meeting about this and some tension have emerged, we have looked at the fair deal scheme and the difficulties is that some of the family want to make up the shortfall between her pensions and the nursing home costs by use clubbing together and dividing the cost and some want to use the scheme where that balance is taken from her estate. To be fair some family member are considerable better off than other members and could more easily do this and some would be put under severe financial pressure to contribute.

Have you established why the family members who want to do the contribution system are against the fair deal scheme? What is their thinking? It seems like a no-brainer that, if the money is there, even though tied up in property (presumably), the costs should come from that. Even more logical would be to sell the property and the money would be then available, but I can see how that could be upsetting for your mother.

In slightly different circumstances that is what my mother did, she has sheltered accommodation and care, and now the capital is having to be eaten into to provide that care (in the UK). But as far as my sister and I are concerned, it is her property, her money, and her requirements come first, and if the money is all used up, well so be it, its not our money anyway.

Ken.

Have you asked your mother what she wants?. Is she able to decide herself?.

policarp

It would seem that someone is trying to be greedy.

OldGoat

Assuming the estate is to be divided evenly amongst the siblings then making the shortfall in finances from there is the fairest way as it's not reliant on the siblings income and financial status.
It's going to be difficult to ask siblings on different incomes to pay up evenly. Useing the estate might be the best option.

We will have to face this too in the next few years. Not looking forward to that. We 'think' we have it all discussed but inevitably when push comes to shove there will be differences of opinion.

looksee

MOD: Lets keep this thread on topic please - there is no evidence that anyone is being 'greedy', just a difficult difference of opinion in a family.

stargazer 68

Op have you checked out the fair deal system yet? Will she qualify for it - maybe check that out first. Because if she doesn't then you will have to go one of the other routes anyway.

Jellybaby1

A very difficult time for any family to face. My mum always said that when the time came she would go into a home. But when the time came she was quite fearful so she stayed with us regularly for several weeks at a time. She liked to go back home just to get post etc. This continued for a few short years until she died. It is very hard when the decision is imminent. Hard to make everyone happy. I hope it all works out for you.

Beruthiel

mariaalice wrote: »

Although it has not happened yet it is looking increasingly likely that out mother will need to go in to a nursing home

I would have thought that if she is of sound mind, then how that will be done will be her decision and hers alone.

mariaalice

You see the thing is for a lot of people old age can be a messy and disorganised thing, of course if she were completely able to make a decision by her self thats what she would be doing in fact even to go for respite she had to give consent preferable written consent that she was happy to go to respite. Its not a question of anyones children getting together behind the back of an elderly person and deciding what is best for the said elderly person.

JuliusCaesar

A friend is going through something similar where her mother is refusing to go into a home despite increasing cognitive problems; but the mother has been able to keep it together whenever interviewed by social support staff, so that they are all refusing to countenance her going in involuntarily. The father is frail and can no longer manage, and the children all live a long distance away. Again, the children (all middle-aged) have very different financial circumstances and a home won't be possible without state support.

These situations can be really difficult and complex, even when everyone has the best of intentions.

Jellybaby1

This reminds me of an elderly man I knew many years ago. A lovely chap, a gent, kind, with a great sense of (the ridiculous) humour. Liked and respected by all he came in contact with. Unfortunately he entered his latter years with Alzheimers. It was strange really because some days he was fine, knew everyone and everything about him, and other days were lost in a haze. He stayed at home with his adoring wife and his family surrounded him with lots of love. Thankfully his gentle personality never changed. Not all of those afflicted are so blessed. He passed away a few years ago. I just wonder how horrible it would have been for him to be in a home on his lucid days with other people whose condition was a lot worse than his. Eventually he probably would have had to go to a home but thankfully he passed away before that decision had to be made. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, I don't mean to. I am very aware that not only do we need to think of people in their 70's, 80's or beyond, but we ourselves could be the subject of this kind of discussion in the future. How do we feel we should be treated?

jos28

Mariaalice, I understand exactly where you are coming from, as we went through this with our lovely Mam who has since passed on unfortunately. Our Mam developed Parkinsons Disease soon after she retired from work. We managed for about 10 years or so during which time Mam and Dad remained at home, with us all doing our bit. Everything changed after Dad died and Mam realised that she could not live independently. She spent 3 years moving around between us and eventually made her own decision to move into a nursing home. There are a couple of points I would make. Firstly, I don't understand the reluctance to go for the Fair Deal scheme. It would take a lot of pressure off you all. Other posters have referred to 'the estate'. There is NO estate until someone passes away. As Looksee says, your mother's property and money is HERS. No-one is entitled to an inheritance, some people may be lucky to be left something in the event of a death but it is not a guarantee. I would not have cared if every penny my mother had was spent making her happy and comfortable. Have you considered renting out the family home to help with costs. This is what my Mam chose to do and it not only helped pay the bills but ensured that the house remained warm and maintained.
None of this is easy, you all have tough times ahead but there are many advantages to nursing home life. It is not prison, residents can be brought out. My Mam was out with us 3 or 4 times a week and we have fantastic memories of those trips. She also stayed over with us the odd night, particularly if we were heading off somewhere early in the morning or if there was a family function on. It also means that your Mam will be safe, she will have professional care. It can give relatives the chance to enjoy visits without stress. I wish you well and hope it all works out.

Equality

I'm guessing that some of the adult children cannot afford to contribute. This means that their 'share' will need to be covered by siblings. Can siblings cover this additional cost?

In addition, the financial position of any child may change - a job lost, a child born, a divorce, a child going to university. If this happens, it is a problem if they are supporting the parent.

If there is an estate after death, it will be divided by law, so those who contribute extra may get nothing from the estate.

In most cases there is one major asset, the family home. You may find that this is willed to one individual, who does not therefore want to access the Fair Deal scheme. It may be willed to the grandchildren, so none of the children may get anything.

Financially, if the state is willing to contribute by means of the Fair Deal scheme, it is usually a better financial decision to draw down this money. However, if one child is on a very high income, there may be tax advantages to supporting the parent. This is worth calculating before making a decision.

Equality

The cost payable under the Fair Deal scheme is limited, and very significantly so.

This means that the worst option is the family to pay for a long period of time, and then to realise that they can no longer afford to pay. All money paid is wasted, as the Fair Deal contribution is not influenced by what they have paid in the past.This point alone makes the Fair Deal scheme the best financial option, by miles. This is particularly so if the parent is 'frail and elderly' and potentially could live for decades.