a tough decision

LegacyUser

Someone please help me with this. I've had a long marriage. I'm 38. We've had difficulties along the way but we're both good people. I love my husband but we've both damaged our relationship over the years. We have a beautiful young baby. My husband says he doesn't want to try for another. I would love to give our child a brother or sister. We had alot of difficulties conceiving first time round. My fertility is very limited. If I can conceive again it would have to be soon. But he is making that decision for us as a family. Also the birth was difficult. He was there and he says it traumatised him. There has been no sexual contact since and not much before either. He says he doesn't know if he will ever feel sexual towards me again, although his reasons for not having another baby are because of financial insecurity he says. So we are a small family. We are good parents but a sexless couple. Can we live like this? Can I put our lovely baby through a separation? I don't know if I'm strong enough to be a single mother. I feel like I'm too young to stay sexless, but I don't know if I'm too old to meet someone else, especially bringing along a very young child. My husband is a good dad and will stay in our childs life, but we both grew up with single parents and we both desperately don't want that for our child. Giving up the dream of having another child when it's still a possibility is killing me. What is the right thing to do?

jellygems

nneeedhelp wrote: »

Someone please help me with this. I've had a long marriage. I'm 38. We've had difficulties along the way but we're both good people. I love my husband but we've both damaged our relationship over the years. We have a beautiful young baby. My husband says he doesn't want to try for another. I would love to give our child a brother or sister. We had alot of difficulties conceiving first time round. My fertility is very limited. If I can conceive again it would have to be soon. But he is making that decision for us as a family. Also the birth was difficult. He was there and he says it traumatised him. There has been no sexual contact since and not much before either. He says he doesn't know if he will ever feel sexual towards me again, although his reasons for not having another baby are because of financial insecurity he says. So we are a small family. We are good parents but a sexless couple. Can we live like this? Can I put our lovely baby through a separation? I don't know if I'm strong enough to be a single mother. I feel like I'm too young to stay sexless, but I don't know if I'm too old to meet someone else, especially bringing along a very young child. My husband is a good dad and will stay in our childs life, but we both grew up with single parents and we both desperately don't want that for our child. Giving up the dream of having another child when it's still a possibility is killing me. What is the right thing to do?

Before I separated from my husband someone said to me ' its better to be from a broken home than living in one '
Im from a single parent family and Im a single mother, I was frigthened at first but you will get used to it and you will be much happier good luck

Stavro Mueller

Would you be willing to try relationship counselling? See if this marriage is saveable and if your husband can get over the trauma of what happened? If your husband did have a change of heart and agreed to another child, would you stay in the marriage? Or do you just want out and wanting to have another child has just brought this about?

dannyc31

Before I separated from my husband someone said to me ' its better to be from a broken home than living in one '
Im from a single parent family and Im a single mother, I was frigthened at first but you will get used to it and you will be much happier good luck

wow hang on a second there i would totally disagree with this. there doesnt seem to be alot wrong with this relationship that cant be fixed with some talk therapy.

step 1 would be to try find a CBT therapist for your husband. he was obviously traumatized by the first birth and so that needs to be dealt with. this bad experience is now fixated in his head and so he longer can see the act of sex with you as pleasurable but this is just a emotional trigger than can be re-programmed with the right therapy.

the more important point is, are you willing to throw away your marriage for the chance of another baby? being perfectly blunt with you, its probably not practical.. you said it yourself you are 38 now. so what would happen, you seperate, go out and try find another man as quickly as possible, have a whirl wind relationship with him and try get pregnant after a year or 2? then what have you 2 children from 2 different fathers and no stability for either child. thats even presuming the next guy hangs around.

i'm sorry to say but its a selfish thing at play that you really want a second child and its understandable as because of your age its now or never and you dont want to regret it, but i think you need to weigh up whats more important to you. you should see the baby you just had as a little blessing, there are many a couple out there who would kill to be in your situation and have even one baby of there own. would it really be that bad for your baby to grow up without a little sister or brother? would it not be worse to see them grow up without a father? thats a decision for you only.

but as i said above you many be able to get your husband to come around to not being traumatized by sex with you and the idea of a second baby after the right CBT therapy, if not there maybe other things at play but i would be throwing away this marriage just yet.

if after all this its revealed that the marriage was long dead before even the birth of your child then it maybe time to think of a seperation but just be warned that you may just have to forget the idea of a second child as you may not meet someone. either way i wish you luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Your replies are as varied as my responses - sometimes I think ok, so we are small 'modern' family, with no siblings for our child. Maybe it's ok. Other times I'm so hurt and angry at him for making this decision for all of us - and I honestly do not understand his reasons and he won't let us talk about it anymore - saying that I badger him for reasons - yes, I probably do, cause I just don't 'get' it. He's unlikely to agree to counselling. As for the sex, all he says is that his sexual feelings for me may come, or not, he can't predict the future. Meantime he won't try. I don't know how I feel about any of this.

!!?

Elmidena

If he's not likely to develop sexual feelings towards you, perhaps you should discuss the possibility of an "open" relationship, where you have needs and you can get them seen to, nothing more, and maintain the relationship with your partner. I'm sure it's expensive, but is there a possibility of getting your eggs frozen, so down the line if it's financially viable you'd have the back-up plan of surrogacy? Perhaps you should get someone to mind your child and go somewhere alone together for a weekend, perhaps a spa break, and don't mention any of the troubles but see if you can have mature conversations about where ye stand without distractions/phones ringing/people calling in/child wanting attention. And if you can't have a weekend alone without tempers flaring or silent treatments etc, then perhaps it is time to walk away.

Stavro Mueller

Does your husband know that you're seriously thinking of walking out on him over this? My opinion is that you should try to save this marriage. It does sound like your husband needs some sort of therapy. I wonder would he change his mind about not going if he realised what the consequences are? I wonder too how well you are communicating? It could be that you do need a third person in the room with ye to properly talk about your issues.

I get that you're bouncing off the walls because you feel you're being denied the chance to have another child, and by your husband's attitude. Obviously if he's unwilling to play ball, then you should consider your options. Given that you're 38 and had trouble conceiving, you may have to accept that you'll only have the one child. There's nothing wrong with being an only child. Your child would grow up just as happy and well-adjusted as if it had siblings. It's just different - not better or worse.

LegacyUser

At this stage you need to have a weekend away with your husband without the baby.
You need to connect again with him as a couple. On the weekend away I would tell him that you are unhappy with the way things have been between you, over the lack of sex in your marriage and how he has been when you told him that you would like another baby.
I would tell him that because of you being unhappy over the above that you did think of leaving him but that you don't want to be a single mother.
I would ask him if he is willing to go to marriage counselling with you as you need both help with your marriage.

Some woman get so focused on having a baby that there partner feels like he is just there to get her pregnant and to pay all the bills after this. Your husband could be feeling like this and that is why he does not want another baby.
At this stage you should be willing to understand his point of view on having another child and instead of thinking I won't have another baby say I am lucky to have a child and it is now time to work on my marriage.
A child deserves to have parents that want them. To grow up in a house with love and not one were the parents are always fighting. It is important to remember that you are part of a couple and that you have to work on this. Also as your child get older they won't need you as much and it is important to have your own life and relationship at this stage.