How did I get it so wrong?

onmyownnow14

Sorry if this is so long and I thank you for taking the time to read it. There is this guy who I have known for 7-8 years who has always been a huge flirt and we always said that if our circumstances were different that we’d probably make a good couple. I didn’t even fancy him in the beginning but he always pursued me and I have fallen for him now.

I finally agreed to meet him for a drink. I thought it went well and the same for our next few dates, texting during week meeting up at the weekends etc. I even stayed over at his and we have slept together.

The thing is he has just seemed to have changed his mind about me over night. His excuse was that he was just not ready for any type of serious relationship at the moment. I can understand why and I actually feel the same. I’m quite shy and felt things were moving very fast. He came on so strong and I have developed really strong feelings for him. I am now utterly heartbroken that he has completely backed off. He told his family about our dates so this has come out of the blue.

I don’t want to make a complete idiot of myself by calling or texting him as we agreed to cool things off. I’m wondering now if he’s back with his ex. He swore to me that they are not together and I believed him. They have a child together so they’re always going to be involved.

He is actually very shy - a lot like me in fact. I have always avoided commitment and made myself very vulnerable with him. I miss him so much and since he has stopped all contact with me I really don’t know what has happened. I wonder if it was to do with sex. He had some difficulties - maybe he is embarrassed.

We’re both in our 30’s so we’re not teenagers. Why would he treat me like this? Sometimes I think all he wanted was a hook up and never had any real intentions of a relationship. Why would he pursue me all this time and then do this? It all seems like a big lie now - everything he has ever said. He kept asking me if I trusted him and I did so I told him I did. I am so hurt now don’t think I’ll ever trust anyone again.

Why is that if he called me tomorrow I’d probably forgive him for putting me through this awful pain? We were friends before anything happened. How will I ever face him again? I have had no closure simply because I afraid to ask him to explain himself.

Did I get it so wrong? What do I do now?

Elmidena

It's not your fault, take a breather and focus on yourself and ignore the tangle for the moment. You didn't do anything wrong. 7-8 years of flirting with you is building a pretty big hyped image in his head, and even if you were Aphrodite herself you wouldn't live up to the "what ifs" of that long. He had a flurry of attention when his fantasy finally came true, and after a while he realised that he acted rashly and wants to sort out things at his own level. If he says he's not with his ex, take his word for it. There is no point grilling up a jealous thought to eat at you when you aren't even a couple at the moment. Whenever you feel yourself getting hurt, remind yourself that you didn't feel ready for a relationship either, and take each day as it comes xxx

Lorna123

Yes you got it wrong. This guy is a flirt and always has been. He chased you for years because he couldn't get you. Now he got you he wants to move on. That is the nature of a flirt. Don't call or text him. You are well rid of him. This had nothing to do with you OP he would have done the same to any other woman. He is not a guy who will commit to anyone. That is just the plain truth of it. He chased you unitl he got you, now the chase is over so he has lost interest. Nothing you could have done would have made any difference. I am sorry that you feel so bad because you were used. It is a rotten experience but you know now what happened so don't persue any further explanations.

Distorted

It seems to sometimes be the quiet ones that hide behind being shy as an excuse for bad behaviour that are the worst for this sort of thing. Actually he sounds like a player, the "break up" with his girlfriend sounds too conveniently timed to be true and now he has got what he wants, he is disengaging from the situation and hiding behind his "shyness". Maybe he didn't do enough of this when he was young and single and is compensating for it now. His behaviour is unkind and very rude.

A word of warning - don't be surprised if next time you see him, several months from now, he acts as if nothing has happened and tries to draw you in for a repeat.

However you do say "We agreed to call things off" and you have not texted or called him. Perhaps you should - if he refuses to talk to you, then write him off. If he does talk, simply express your disappointment and hurt in his behaviour so he at least knows his actions have consequences and you are not simply quietly accepting.

Healthis

Hey OP, I was chased by a guy for 4 years who was completely infatuated with me and fancied me rotten. However I recently gave in to his advances and as soon as I slept with him he vanished and I haven't heard a word since. So your not the only one, just remember this has nothing to do with you.

dannyc31

Yes you got it wrong. This guy is a flirt and always has been. He chased you for years because he couldn't get you. Now he got you he wants to move on. That is the nature of a flirt. Don't call or text him. You are well rid of him. This had nothing to do with you OP he would have done the same to any other woman. He is not a guy who will commit to anyone. That is just the plain truth of it. He chased you unitl he got you, now the chase is over so he has lost interest. Nothing you could have done would have made any difference. I am sorry that you feel so bad because you were used. It is a rotten experience but you know now what happened so don't persue any further explanations.

nail on the head Lorna123. i'm sorry OP but this is it in a nutshell.

onmyownnow14

thanks for all the replies

Elmidena wrote: »

It's not your fault, take a breather and focus on yourself and ignore the tangle for the moment. You didn't do anything wrong. 7-8 years of flirting with you is building a pretty big hyped image in his head, and even if you were Aphrodite herself you wouldn't live up to the "what ifs" of that long. He had a flurry of attention when his fantasy finally came true, and after a while he realised that he acted rashly and wants to sort out things at his own level. If he says he's not with his ex, take his word for it. There is no point grilling up a jealous thought to eat at you when you aren't even a couple at the moment. Whenever you feel yourself getting hurt, remind yourself that you didn't feel ready for a relationship either, and take each day as it comes xxx

Part of me still hopes that this is the case but I know that I can't wait around waiting for his call that fact that he hasn't made any effort tells me everything I need to know. He never seemed like a player, in fact, I'm still not convinced that he is. I think he's more messed up and doesn't think he good enough for me. He was all the time putting himself down. I think it's best I delete his number though and just see what fate has in store for us.

AnnyHallsal

Healthis wrote: »

Hey OP, I was chased by a guy for 4 years who was completely infatuated with me and fancied me rotten. However I recently gave in to his advances and as soon as I slept with him he vanished and I haven't heard a word since. So your not the only one, just remember this has nothing to do with you.

+1.

Exact same happened to me and I was devastated. I took it so personally that someone who was seemingly mad about me for years went off me over night once he 'got' me.

OP, I don't understand this phenomenon either but agree with everyone else ... forget about him, you deserve better!

LegacyUser

onmyownnow14 wrote: »

He had some difficulties - maybe he is embarrassed.

When I started reading your post, this is what I thought - so naturally when I got to this line, I was even surer. I think you should consider this to be a very realistic possibility, and I say it because i've been that guy, only I couldn't even bring myself to send the text. I can't even imagine how it must have looked to the girl involved.