PhD supervisor making my life hell

munkifisht

Hi guys,

I am really feeling at my wits end as I write this and I'm hoping I can find some advice. A little of the background. I came to the UK a little over 6 months ago to undertake this project. I really went for this position, and it was a massive gamble for me. I had been in the building industry for a number of years and when that tanked I found it really difficult to get work elsewhere. I did a masters and got top marks in my class, but after 3 years I hadn't progressed and was in a menial labour role that was going nowhere. So at the age of 32 I decided that the only way I was going to get out of this funk was to upskill.

I saw this PhD being advertised which seemed to be a great fit with loads of my skills, so I really pushed to get it. I was very excited and looking forward to it, if a little anxious. It only took me about a week to realise I had made a massive mistake. I've come to feel anxious, depressed, pretty joyless. It is a complete transformation from my usual character, and people normally find me friendly, happy, and quite funny I think. I would say the worst thing about my character is my shyness. I am outgoing and force myself to be, but I despise confrontation.

I don't want to say this, but I think my supervisor might be bullying me. I'm not sure if he's even aware he's doing it, but after our regular meetings I feel utterly hopeless, nauseous with worry, and stupid. It has come to the point that if we have a scheduled meeting I'm lucky to get 3 or 4 hours sleep the night before. Soon after starting the PhD the problems began. Our meetings tend to start off with him asking me to explain some concept to him that I have been studying, if I can not, or if there is an element that I do not explain perfectly, he will halt the meeting and spend the rest of the time telling me how my study habits are awful, how I'm not going to get my viva transfer, how I have not remembered some small detail he spent 2 minutes explaining 3 weeks before. He is very confrontational and what tends to happen is when I make some small mistake, his chastisement and belittling makes me panicky and I think leads to me making more and more mistakes.

For the first few months I really thought this was my problem. That I was stupid and not up to doing a PhD, but I was given some great encouragement from my co-supervisor who asked to speak to me after one of our joint meetings. The meeting had gone terribly and was pretty much a car crash from beginning to end. Things that I had been expert at manipulating two days before hand I couldn't do anything with on that day. After the meeting my supervisor called me in and said that if things did not improve soon he would have to think about letting me go.

Later that day my co-supervisor asked me to go for a coffee. He gave his thoughts on some of the things my supervisor said to me. He was very surprised that things had gone the way they had, because the other work I had done had proven that I understood those concepts. He was surprised that I hadn't lost my cool and stormed out of the office saying f*** you. It was then I started to think that maybe it wasn't all my fault. I also had a few sessions with my co supervisor, and it was a different experience entirely than the one I'm used to.

I don't want to come off like I'm just whining, as sometimes it seems like that to me, but some of the things he has said to me include things like:

• I do not understand the work required to do a PhD,
• I have been threatened to be expelled if I did not pass a test,
• That any other supervisor would have thrown me out months ago,
• That despite putting in 12 hours a day, I don't work hard enough,
• On a number of occasions I've been put down for proving a math equation the "wrong" way, but after asking others it turned out to be perfectly correct,
• One thing he is very fond of saying is "I wish I could f**king go back in time and shoot or jail your maths teacher for not teaching you properly
• He has at times just left the room after I say something saying "Jesus Christ" and gone off to talk to someone else.
• I've been told I have to be treated like I'm in Kindergarden
• He is very fond of coming over and telling us about new prospective PhD students and how they fail to do the same things he wants me to do, and how he will never hire somebody who is not able to do those things again.

"

He says that I do not come to ask him for help, but on the occasions I do ask him for help, I am terrified that he is going to start on another tirade.

At times in the meetings it's clear I think that I am about to break down, I have to fight to hold off crying in front of him, and he will ask me a question such as "Do you think this is acceptable? Tell me I want to know" and he will sit there, staring at me as I struggle to speak without blubbing. I really don't want to go on like this, but I also don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can quit because there's this will be such a black mark on my CV, and I can't say anything to or about him because he is the gatekeeper holding the keys to my future.

ray giraffe

Sounds like a straight-up bully to me. You can't continue to work with this man.

Explain your concerns to your co-supervisor and see if he can provide advice.

You may have an option to change supervisors, if not you will have to quit the program and start again elsewhere. 6 months is not really much time lost, it would be worse if you were 2 or 3 years in.

Your mental health is more important than a small detail on your CV.

"I've come to feel anxious, depressed, pretty joyless." I would talk to a GP straight away, and ask for referral to a reputable counsellor. You need to look after yourself by getting help.

Best of Luck!

avalon68

Try and switch to the co-supervisor. Clearly he works in the same area so there shouldnt be any issues. If you cant, then get out now. As mentioned above, 6 months is nothing. You dont want to be back here in 6 years with the same problems! The other thing that strikes me though is that you havent stood up to him at all......realistically, academia is full of people like this and you absolutely have to learn to deal with them. They cannot be avoided. He sounds like an ass, and frankly if you intend to carry on working for him, you need to organise a meeting to discuss his behaviour. If he makes a personal comment towards you, ask him to explain himself and tell him its inappropriate. Honestly, some of these people live in their own world as no-one ever calls them out. If he feels you aren't up to scratch ask him exactly how you can improve and ask for his help. Are there other grad students in the group? Do they have similar issues with him?

djpbarry

munkifisht wrote: »

I really don't want to go on like this, but I also don't know what to do.

Get out. Now. Either by switching supervisor or going elsewhere and starting over. As said above, a few months is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

But, you’ve got to learn to stand up for yourself! If you really want to do a PhD and work in research/academia, you’re going to have to grow a thick skin and get used to dickheads having a pop at you and your work just for the sake of it – happens all the time. You’ve got to be able to deal with that kind of thing and not take it personally. Some people are tools and there’s no avoiding that fact, but it depresses me no end reading about PhD students letting their supervisors walk all over them and treat them like **** – nobody deserves to be spoken to in such a disrespectful manner.

There is one thing that jumped out at me when reading your post:

munkifisht wrote: »

So at the age of 32 I decided that the only way I was going to get out of this funk was to upskill.

Are you really just doing a PhD in order to “upskill”? Because if so, you’re doing a PhD for the wrong reasons. You need to ask yourself if this is really for you.

castaway_lady

Tape a meeting with him, hand held recorder in your bag. Clearly bullying, he either doesn't want to supervise you or maybe anyone but either way I wouldnt be letting him get away with this.
If it was me Id record him and send the tape to the head of dept or head of college with a bullying complaint. Let everyone who will listen to it hear it!

A PhD isn't the best way to go about upskilling, it just makes you an expert in one narrow area. But beyond that, letting this clown off with bullying you could affect you for life, take him on now and then move on with your life. He's a PhD supervisor not the Prime Minister/Pope.....you're dealing adult to adult here, you owe him nothing.

munkifisht

Thanks guys for all the advice. Following from the meeting that sparked this last Friday, things have calmed down quite a bit. I'm not sure of the reason but I think that he realised that he had pushed things way too far. I also think he might have seen me writing in my log where I keep a record of all things I find out of line during our meetings, so for the moment I'm going to let things pass and hope that it doesn't go sour again. If it does, I'm going to approach my co-supervisor and ask him for advice. I'm also going to tape the meetings on my phone.

Re the reasons I'm doing the PhD, upskilling is just one reason, but also I've wanted to do a PhD since getting my MSc firstly because I thought I'd be good at it, second I want to do something no one's ever done before, and I've always been someone who's not that confident in my abilities, although other people are always telling me how intelligent they think I am, so I thought doing this would prove to myself that I am more capable than I thought and give me confidence for the rest of my career. I never thought doing a PhD would be an easy option as opposed to getting a job, and the opposite was almost certainly be the case.

The reason I'm worried about quitting out of this is I found it so difficult to find any company that would take me on for three years. I probably applied to every company in Ireland in my field at least twice and I think if I were to quit this now I would be 4 years out of my MSc with nothing to show.

avalon68

Do not record meetings without his permission. That's not dealing with the issue, it's being underhanded. If he says anything inappropriate, call him out on it and make it clear its not to happen again. Honestly, hoping it doesn't happen again is a very poor choice. It WILL happen again. You have to learn how to handle it or it will negatively impact your future career. Wile things are calm, discuss switching on good terms. That way you may salvage a reference, and you won't be putting your co supervisor in an awkward hostile situation. Everything can be handled diplomatically

Doctor_Socks

If you feel that your supervisor isn't treating you with respect and is bullying you, which by the looks of it he clearly is, i'd make a note of what happens in each meeting. Be meticulous in your detail, what they say, the tone they use and the general feedback you get from them, also keep a very detailed journal of your progress over the next few meetings and do a lit review so you can show that you know the area quite well. You can't record the meeting without permission but you can take all the notes you want, it's what the meeting is supposed to be for!

This way, if your supervisor acts like an ass again you can bring all of this to your co-supervisor first, and then you can follow it up with the head of your department. Regardless of what your co-supervisor says make sure that you bring it up with the head of the department! Supervisors are there to guide you, not to make you dread coming in to the college. You're only 6 months in and shouldn't be feeling this stressed out already, when I was 6 months in I still barely knew what was going on!

I went through a lot of the symptoms of stress that you are going through now but I was 2 years in when it started to happen too me! If you're feeling depressed and anxious about the PhD go to a counsellor and talk to them, PhDs are stressful enough without a supervisor being a dick to you all the time!

Also, he is not the gate keeper to your future! You are the only one who can decide on your future, the deciding factor in your viva is going to be the publications you have and your thesis! Your internal and external examiners will pass you provided the work you have is acceptable, and by the sounds of it the work you have so far is fine

psydiffer

I can only empathise on this disgusting story. It must be very intimidating for an already shy person at college to have to deal with someone like this. How have things been since?

DrLongWood

Would also love to hear a follow up on this please OP!