Problems with my mom

LegacyUser

Well, basically I am a 22 year old girl, and have an older brother who is 26. I really feel my mother prefers my brother to me. Or perhaps she has a more sexist way of viewing things.

So, basically, I am always the one to help out with housework, and always the one expected to help, or expected to have it done. And to be honest, I really feel I help out with the house a bit more than most of my friends would. I clean the kitchen everyday, put away the clothes, put out washing, help put away the shpoping. I'm expected to do this everyday, and I do, except when I stay over at my boyfriend's obviously (but I feel my mom is annoyed that I'm not home to do housework at these times). My brother's job is to hoover once a week. And it often ends up being done by my dad, and sometimes by me. Either because my mom gives up asking him and gets me to do it, or because I'm scared that she'll arrive home and take it out on me.

Right now, I have just finished my thesis - I still did the housework while I was working on it. My brother was away for 2 years and came back 3 months ago, and last month he started teaching. While he was back and not working, and while I was studying, my mom made the excuse that "he's tired and has jetlag" and "don't worry I'll get him to do stuff" or "oh, he'll be doing the hoovering at the weekend". He now works a few hours a week, and is home most of the days. And I have to clean up after the mess he makes at lunch or after he makes breakfast. I mean, I get that he is working, but it's less than 10 hours a week, and he never helped out anyway before he had work, and 2 years ago before he left the country.

One thing that stands out, is that last week I felt quite sick, had a stomach bug. As it was a Sunday, my brother didn't have work...yet I was still expected to do all the housework while he played computer games.

I have tried, for years, telling my mom that's it's unfair, telling her that it makes me feel like she prefers my brother. She always says things will change, but it never does. And after years, I know it's not going to. I am currently trying like crazy to find a job so I can move out, but I can't get anything, so I've to wait it out until then. I can't really talk to my brother about it - we don't really talk to each other. I don't know why, but none of us are very close at all.

I've just grown so bitter about this. I help out quite a lot, yet I am the one who gets given out to for "not helping" and for the mess everyone else makes. If my brother does anything at all, it's praise praise praise, yet when I do work it usually goes unacknowledged or wasn't good enough.

My mom is always complaining about my dad doing nothing, yet she's raising my brother to turn out just like that - basically to be lazy and expect that if he just does nothing he's asked, someone else will do it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, I'm just wondering how I can stop this.

LegacyUser

did you try talking to your brother about this? telling him you feel? dont ask when you are stressed or get onto after your mother has gotten on to you but ask him at a quiet time. tell him that you are stressed out it it all. appeal to his better side. tell him it will take the stress/worload of you

Lorna123

I think you should write down the facts here and then call a family meeting. State your points and see what everyone has to say about them. If they won't go to this meeting then go on strike.

username123

Just go on strike and refuse to return to working conditions until a fairer arrangement is reached.

But seriously, you live under someone elses roof you have to live by their rules.

What would the consequence be if you did go on strike? Honestly? Or if you became a bit sloppier about the jobs? Think about that and decide how much its worth to you to be feeling the way you are now and having to do it all versus getting lazy and putting up with the consequences of that - which is worse? Because your brother seems to get away with doing nothing and he doesnt seem to be having a terrible time of it as a result? Why are you the people pleaser?

Oh, and youre probably not close to your brother because your mother has been driving a wedge between you for years by treating one more favourably than the other.

a posse ad esse

I would talk about it first with your brother. If that doesn't work then think about organising a family meeting or go on strike.

I don't like how someone said that if you live under someone else's roof you live under their rules. I think this applies when rules are actually fair. I think it is wrong to favour one child over the other. I lived in a house where I had four older brothers who were favoured more then me. I was expected to pick up and clean and they did nothing not even their own laundry. It honestly strained my relationship with my parents and there was resentment towards my brothers. I was studying and working as well as cleaning and cooking where my brothers had nothing to do when they came home from work or when two were not working or studying at the time:mad:. Even when I did complain, nothing changed except when I moved out. It was then when my parents called me complaining that my brothers do nothing:rolleyes:

Sometimes, parents tend to pick and choose who is the easier target. I was more compliant who didn't want conflict whereas my brothers didn't have a bother.

username123

a posse ad esse wrote: »

I don't like how someone said that if you live under someone else's roof you live under their rules. I think this applies when rules are actually fair. I think it is wrong to favour one child over the other.

What has fair got to do with it? If I pay the bills and mortgage and provide the food, its my way or the highway. If someone doesnt like the living conditions then they are free to move out.

I never said any of it was nice or fair or right or wrong - but its the reality of living under someones elses roof. You want to live a certain way, you pay the mortgage/bills and provide your own food. You want to avail of the above for free, you live by the rules of whoever is paying your way.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I've been through a similar situation, although I'm a couple of years older than you now. Is it possible that, like in my situation, you are expected to do everything and your brother isn't asked to do anything because he is just lazy and difficult?

For years growing up I resented my parents for expecting so much of me and so little from my brother. He is a few years older than me too and when my parents went away or anything it was always me expected to look after him and clean the house. As I've grown up I have realized that this was because my parents knew they could depend on me for help, whereas he was always fairly useless. I've come to realize that they actually had a bit more respect for me at that time.

It can be hard, when one sibling seems to get an easy ride, I know the feeling. I think at your age, if you're not paying rent or anything, it is fair enough to expect that level of help around the house.

For your sake it is probably best to move out soon though. I know at around your age I really needed to get out of the family home. I know its easier said than done though so just try to keep a positive attitude. You won't be at home forever. Many people have a difficult family dynamic to handle so try not to let resentment build. I found I got a lot closer to my family once I moved away, so hopefully that will happen for you too.

Good luck!

tony81

Op, you're living at home. If you can't afford to move out you'll just have to put up with it. There's no point trying to cause hassle with your brother just because your mother doesn't expect him to help out as much.

Stavro Mueller

First thought that crossed my mind was "why don't you move out?". At this stage your mum's not going to change I don't think. Go live your own life under your own roof.

Equality

I think you have no choice but to put up with it while you live there.

One word of advice: move out and rent a flat as soon as you get a job. Do not move back home if you lose the job. Once you are working and renting for six months, you become eligible for rent allowance if you lose your job.

This is a good time to be looking for a job, as places might be hiring Christmas staff.

Second piece of advice: once you move out, do not do housework in your parents house.

strandroad

Looks like you've tried and she won't budge. Have you tried broaching this with your father and brother as well? I don't agree with the "their house, their rules" motto while you're obviously being treated unfairly but if they don't see it there is nothing you can do.

If this is not helping and you plan to move out anyway, try spending your time away from the house as your transition period. Help out as a volunteer, study in a library, spend time with friends, read in a coffee place if you can. Only come home at night. You can still do your reasonable share of housework but it will give you the opportunity to say "I did not make this mess, I'm barely here" and they will start seeing how little is done if you're not there and how inadequate is your brother's upbringing when it comes to housework (which you can also then point out as it will be even more visible).

I've just grown so bitter about this. I help out quite a lot, yet I am the one who gets given out to for "not helping" and for the mess everyone else makes. If my brother does anything at all, it's praise praise praise, yet when I do work it usually goes unacknowledged or wasn't good enough.

My mom is always complaining about my dad doing nothing, yet she's raising my brother to turn out just like that - basically to be lazy and expect that if he just does nothing he's asked, someone else will do it.

Keep saying it to all of them, firmly but politely, no bitterness but making your point over and over again. Do your share but make it clear what it is you're doing and he's not. Make it clear why you feel the need to move out ASAP. It's not only about it being unfair on you, it will also come back in his adult life, possible in the form of marital problems. It is also likely to colour the expectations about how you both help your parents when they age and their health is affected; you will be the one expected to do the hard work unacknowledged and he will be allowed to swan around and receive praise and affection for bringing them a box of chocolates on a half hour visit.

smirker

You have been turned into a doormat, and it has to stop. You need to become assertive. If there is a complaint about why something isn't done keep repeating like a broken record " I have to do X and Y so couldn't do it ... Sorry." Eventually the message will sink in. Do not lose your temper or shout anything. Maintain a sweetly reasonable tone at all times.

tinkerbell

Whatever about helping around the house, doing your share of housework, etc. you should not be cleaning up your brother's mess after breakfast/lunch, etc. You're essentially his doormat as well. Why do you clean up after him? That is crazy, you're enabling his behaviour. Do up a list of all the household tasks and suggest a rota. Your brother is just a lazy muppet who needs to learn that he won't be just waited on hand and foot. God I pity his future partner, I can't imagine anyone putting up with that crap for long.

Big Bag of Chips

They get you to do it...because you do it. They don't ask him to do much.. because he doesn't do it. It's as simple as that. Unfortunately housework is part of being an adult. It has to be done. You are 22 so should not expect your mother to be waiting on you, and should help out as much as you can around the house.

If you were living alone/in a house share and doing a thesis you would still have to cook, clean, wash up, hoover etc. so you shouldn't not have to do it just because you live at home.

Your brother doesn't do it, and I imagine will never do it. If/when he moves out he will live in filth.

But just because he doesn't do it, doesn't mean you should alter what you do do. You seem to accept that housework is something that should and needs to be done. So don't change that attitude. The one thing I would change, is... stop cleaning up after him. If he leaves stuff on the table, in the sink whatever.. leave it there. If your mother calls you to do it - tell her you had done the kitchen and that is your brother's stuff.. It's then up to her whether she gets him to clean up after himself - or just does it herself.

You can't change what she does. If she is happy to walk around after him picking up and basically wiping his backside, then you can't change her, but I wouldn't advise "going on strike" just to prove a point. You know housework needs to be done - do what you need to do - but don't do anything for/after him.

And move out as soon as you can!

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I must say, I do find the "their house, their rules" argument a slight bit unfair. I would find it fair if there wasn't a clear preference for my brother. I find it fair that I should do housework, but I don't find it fair that my brother does shag all.

I'm not sure if going on strike will help. My mom has quite a short temper, and to be honest I really would prefer staying out of any of that.

As for a family meeting....I'm not sure. My family don't exactly get on, and my mom would probably actually find it amusing if I tried this. I know I should do this, but I'm not very outspoken, and would probably get a bit emotional and start crying or shouting.

Another problem is that my brother pretty much hates my mom and shows nothing but resentment and rudeness toward her, while I do my best to get along with her, despite bitter feelings. Perhaps she doesn't want to rile him up by getting him to do jobs. It's kind of complicated I guess. He's lazy and arrogant and rude, yet she doesn't seem to care, and treats him like a prince.

I'm really trying to find a job and get out of here as soon as possible, but so far I've had no luck. Hopefully soon though.