Commuter Marriage

Professional Hobo

Ok so here is the story. We are newly married. Wife has great job in provincial city in Ireland. We live together their, with the exception of Monday to Friday, where I've been house sharing and B&Bing it for the past year and half in Dublin. No offence to anyone but I would rather live at home. But this is the catch 22, cos their is NO work in my specialist area at home.

So we have a commuter marriage.......... We do mostly the same things as every other married couple with the exception of living together during the week. (Yes ha ha I know.....)

I'm guessing we are not the only couple in this position ( again ha ha) .......

Anyone out their found a way to solve the problem of 256km.

DazMarz

Not trying to sound smart or flippant... but move to Dublin? Can your wife find work up there? What line of work is she in?

Or even just move to a town a bit closer to Dublin.

Because if your wife ever gets pregnant, this arrangement will not work. You cannot leave your wife alone 5 days a week if she's pregnant and nor can you also leave her alone with children when they arrive.

You will have to simply re-locate, I reckon.

jdsk2006

mmmm.....I dont see this as a sustainable arrangment longterm either. I second the relocation option

Stavro Mueller

I honestly can't see any solution to this other than one or both of you relocating. I had friends who found themselves in a situation just like yours. She was living in the house they'd bought and he was house-sharing two hours away. Eventually she managed to get a job nearer to him so they sold the house and moved. By the time the move came about, both of them really were sick to the back teeth of living the way they were and would've done almost anything to resolve it.

P. Breathnach

I suggest that both of you should be job-hunting until one of you finds an acceptable job within convenient distance of the other's place of work.

HeyThereDeliah

Professional Hobo wrote: »

Ok so here is the story. We are newly married. Wife has great job in provincial city in Ireland. We live together their, with the exception of Monday to Friday, where I've been house sharing and B&Bing it for the past year and half in Dublin. No offence to anyone but I would rather live at home. But this is the catch 22, cos their is NO work in my specialist area at home.

So we have a commuter marriage.......... We do mostly the same things as every other married couple with the exception of living together during the week. (Yes ha ha I know.....)

I'm guessing we are not the only couple in this position ( again ha ha) .......

Anyone out their found a way to solve the problem of 256km.

I do it myself and it works out fine for me in fact I can't imagine living together full time now.
Ye did not live together before the marriage so what's the difference.

Another poster mentioned you could not leave your wife alone if she was pregnant or had kids but she is an adult I'm sure she would cope. Plenty of parents are apart because of jobs.

Equality

You need to think about some things.

Is one job more secure than the other? If one of you is public sector, then from the point of view of jobs, the spouse in the private sector should relocate, as they are more likely to lose their job anyway.

Can you pay all bills if there is only one income? If the answer to this is yes, then you should consider re-locating to a single location, either yours or hers.

Where do you both want to live? I get the impression that you want to re-locate to her locality, maybe because houses are cheaper or because one of you has family in that locality. If that is so, are there any jobs there? You may not be able to get a job in your specialist area, but can you get any job there? If you can get any job, give serious consideration to taking it, because as some posters have said, this becomes more difficult if you have children. It may be possible for your wife to manage on her own with a baby, but is it something either of you wants?

okiss

If you looked at your income in Dublin, what it is costing you to live there, for transport, bills, food along with the cost of going home every weekend I am sure you could have a lower wage near your wife and could be still better off.
I would start to look for a job near her as it may take you some time to get work. I would take a few days holidays and go around to a few agancies in the area to see if they could help you get something in the area. I would also put up your details on linkedin as it may help you move also.
I am sure that at some stage both you would like to have a family and you don't want to be in Dublin when your wife is left on her own with a baby.
I knew a couple who were in the same situation as you and your wife.
She has a good job and he had a good job in Dublin. Every weekend one of them was traveling to see the other and they found it hard. He works in a specialist area but like you he realised that he would have to move. It took him some time to get a job but he is now glad as they have a baby.

Queen-Mise

Don't even consider moving or relocating if things are working at the moment.

I know people who leave at 6.30am by train and don't get home until near 8pm, I don't think that is a life. At least by staying up in Dublin - you are getting a decent rest & not commuting 4 hours a day. When it comes to the weekend you are not exhausted & can actually do stuff.

My brother and his wife have to do this. Their home is Waterford/Wexford area and he works in Dublin. So he travels up Monday morning and comes back down on Friday evenings. They have been doing this for the past number of years - as similar to the OP he can't get work in his field where he lives. When in Dublin he cycles the few miles to work - so 20 mins there & back.

I spent a year in this country with the kids while my husband was working in England. It is fine, not ideal, but far from an impossible situation.

If you are in Dublin during the week nights - maybe consider doing some from of post-graduate course that would open up new jobs within the field you are working in.

gigawatt2007

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

I do it myself and it works out fine for me in fact I can't imagine living together full time now.
Ye did not live together before the marriage so what's the difference.

Another poster mentioned you could not leave your wife alone if she was pregnant or had kids but she is an adult I'm sure she would cope. Plenty of parents are apart because of jobs.

I'm guessing your wife doesn't have kids by this statement, any fella who thinks he could live away 5 days a week with a new born baby at home doesn't have kids.

Unless her mother or family/support network are in the neighbourhood.

Moonbeam

I would suggest relocating too.
Could you work from home some days?

Sometimes there is not much difference in living apart and working long hours though.