I am soo messed up

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start with what is wrong with me. Over the years i had several long term relationships that have fallen apart over drink, jealousy and miss trust because of my constant need to look at porn and other women. I have got to a point in relationships where everything was going brilliantly and threw it all away for quick thrills.
Currently i am in a relationship that has been going for three years and i really want to marry this woman. I have kept nothing from her and she knows about my past and my stupid ways when i was younger. How could i mess this up.
I went out with friends recently and was having a great night. by the end of it we all went our separate ways and i had more than enough to drink. Then the though came to me that i could get a lap dance so i took out a substantial amount of money from my account and went to find the nearest club. I sat down in there Had Glasses upon glasses of wine, gambeled and wasted over 1 thousand on dances. I spent hours looking at porn online.

Absolutely disgraceful i know and torturing myself over the whole thing. i have no one to talk to about it i don't want to lose my girlfriend and i could never tell any friends about it either. it is totally un believable and i am really hating myself and my life right now. I cant eat or sleep and and am sickened to my stomach thinking of how i have ruined my life in a similar way over and over. I just cant stop acting like this. I should totally stop drinking and looking at porn but it is incredably hard. I have nothing or noone to blame but myself and just do not know what to do next or if ever i will be able to stop myself from being so stupid.
Does anyone know of something i can try or anyone experienced it before and has over come something. I am desperate now i need to sort my life out.

jdsk2006

I can really feel how disgusted you are with yourself from reading that post. The first step is admitting you have a problem - afterall the truth is in the pattern. You need to get professional advice on where to go for help but I imagine counselling would be beneficial.........not a quick fix but longterm it will pay off.

Dont blurt this out to your partner in a fit of the guilts OP, you may only break her heart and confidence in you. Wait until you have worked all this out in your head and are thinking a little clearer. Some may slate me for giving that advice but, you acted the maggot and got a lapdance........i presume there was no sex?? Not the biggest crime committed. Now if there was sex involved thats a whole different story and you need to let that girl go.

Everyone has a flaw OP, thankfully yours can be fixed if you want to badly enough

Lorna123

You need to go to a Counsellor OP. You will be referred by your GP. Give yourself a chance to get better, it is possible, just believe in yourself and stop taking the easy way out. I don't understand your behaviour so you need to talk to somebody that does.

marizpan

You mention drink several times. Is that the underlining problem, that's causing lapses in good decision making? Worth a thought

lynnsback

It sounds like you have addiction issues - whether with drink or porn. There are real physical and biochemical reasons behind porn addiction though.

This links to a long but BRILLIANT presentation on why so many ppl become addicted to Internet porn.

http://180degreehealth.com/2011/05/addiction-your-brain-on-porn

DeltaWhite

Stop drinking - it's what causes you to go out spending money on lap dancers..


My friend's OH was the same and she gave him the ultimatum..

He's now off drink and is a totally new person. 100 times better person then what he was under the influence of booze....