Advice on 12 year olds

Feebs10

Hi there.
My son is normally a good kid and I don't have any bad reports from teachers in school just good ones which is good; but I just feel lately all i'm doing is nagging him and giving out. I know we have to keep reminding them about how to behave and have manners but its continuous. He thinks he knows everything and is questioning everything. Also I keep an eye on his facebook page. More or less everything is ok on it.....except there is so much bad language on it. I don't know how to approach it as I don't want him to know I am checking it.
I am a single parent so it is just the two of us so it is only me trying to discipline the whole time.
Advice please

Piliger

Welcome to the teen years...... and sometimes they arrive a little bit early.

Your son is starting to become an individual. He is starting to fight against the rules and test the rules and become his own man. It is perfectly natural. AND it is a good thing ! it shows he is strong and independent which is what we want our children to be.

I suggest you try to step back a little and ease up on the more frivolous rules, but stick to the main behaviour rules. I also suggest that it is very important to be talking to him during quiet times and make sure ALL of your communication is not based around nagging - otherwise you will just become a caricature in his mind.

Try to find things you can do together ... I also found that a great way to trigger friendly constructive conversation is in the car when just the two of you are travelling to the shops or for a trip. Also a walk at the beach or in the countryside. Anything to avoid the 'set piece' face to face sit down chat which teens HATE. Don;t start with big questions ... just let him talk and try to avoid any lecturing ... just allow a chat to develop. Communication is so important and the last thing you want to do is to cause it to shut down.

Best of luck.

Quality

I know I have been guilty of nagging at my girl from time to time.

But I do try to make sure the negative moaning is balance off with some good times. I talk to her about all her day. Try and do some nice things for her which I usually bribe her into doing.

Also I feel when I spend a lot of time with her I nag more?

Could you be spending too much time with him? Is he getting out to play? And are you getting out from time to time too?

When I am happy I seem to be less bothered by the kids?

Make sure you are looking after yourself! Single parenting is a tough job!

Piliger

Good post 'Quality'. This is why younger kids in large families are often better balanced people. They don't have us parents hover over them a fraction of the time we hover over our sole child or even our second, if there is a reasonable gap.

A 12 year old needs space to grow, like a plant. A 12 yo is not just a bigger 7yo. Yes it is hard to adjust. It is so so so hard to back off and allow them to make mistakes and be wrong and behave a little less well than we would like. I myself found it very hard. But I also felt that this was my job, to adjust to him ! Not my son's to adjust to me

The work we put in in the early years is what is most important, I found. From 12,13, 14 everything goes a bit crazy but the work done on manners and behaviour and values in those early years returns when they come out of the crazies AND when they are out with their friends and not with us.

LegacyUser

Hi, I have a 12 year old daughter in 6th class. She doesn't have a facebook page, I would think she is too young. She does have a mobile phone and lately she has become a bit obsessed with it so I am limiting her time with it. Other than that she goes out to play with her friends. She has some activities after school but she has friends on the estate so they like playing out on the green outside. This seems to keep her occupied so no really bad behaviour as yet. Anything really annoying, I just confiscate the mobile - that seems to put manners on her!

joanofarc

Piliger , you are 100% right, great advice!

aknitter

I have a 14 year old girl and if you keep nagging about every little thing it will drive a wedge between you, as someone else said stick to the big behavior things and pick your battles - you can't win them all as they need some more limited freedom (I let the hair dying go so I could win the make-up on all the time battle!).
i also heard something interesting yesterday and its that men speak to each other shoulder to shoulder and if they are doing something together they are more likely to talk about issues that way so maybe ask for help with yard sweeping or some other 'manly' type job. Also your not going to like everything you hear from them about friends etc but I find that if I keep the comments and the like to myself she's more likely to come back to me again to chat.
good luck for the rest of it (I keep repeating to myself that it will end, it will end)

Hobbitfeet

Can I suggest this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0007153694/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/275-7805839-7950768
It's really excellent my boy is only 1 but I read this book and it made so much sense. There is a huge amount about raising teenage boys and also a section for single mums. Really think it could help you. I got it from my local library