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Dumped over non-existent 'affair'

  • 10-10-2012 10:15am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm absolutely gobsmacked and had to write to get this off my chest.

    I've been seeing a guy for 7 months. Everything has been great: we were a team.

    I had to go to a family wedding 2 months ago and met up with an old friend of mine (male) whom I've known for a very long time. After the wedding my partner told me he was convinced I cheated on him with this friend... I didn't and would never.

    Anyway, I got a text from this friend last night and my partner completely blew up at me over it. The text was a general 'hello' that I get (and all the other friends in the group get) about every 3 months, touching base and asking how I am. Nothing untoward whatsoever.

    My boyfriend was convinced (again) that the text was sinister, start spouting allegations of cheating with this friend and me lying about it. I am totally in shock at this. I left his company shortly after this argument as I wasn't getting through to him, he wasn't listening. He said we're better off finishing with eachother if this is the way I'm going to be!!!!

    I'm not looking for advice on whether to beg him for forgiveness for something I haven't done but I just had to share the experience here and see what you guys think. It's totally floored me.. being accused of some mad affair that I never had.

    Ludicrous. Totally and utterly ludicrous.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 56 ✭✭WhiteRose90


    To be honest, I think that not being to together is the best thing for you both. I was with someone like this before. Basically I met a guy while out shopping for a laptop(guy worked where I went to get one), we got on and I made friends with him. No big deal. Just a new friend. When I told my ex about my new friend, I knew from the look on his face he wasn't happy about me talking to another male. To make a long story short, I left my ex a few months after this started, trying in vain to show him he can trust me around other guys. We were 4 months shy of being together 3 years when I ended it and I can honestly say I feel much better now. I am in a new relationship with someone who trusts me, adores me and basically spoils me ;) So obviously my advice is to leave behind this paranoid guy and find someone who'll treat you with the respect and adoration you deserve :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I totally agree with you but I just can't understand how he can come to A) come to such a crazy conclusion and B) not listen to reason or explanation.

    I've since been in touch with him and there's no talking to him. He's made up his mind. I think I'm more upset about the fact that he thinks I could do such a thing - I'm really not 'the type' - and ignore all my explanations.

    I'm shocked, really and truly. It's terrible as it was going so well.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,682 ✭✭✭deisemum


    I think you've dodged a bullet when he dumped you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    I'm absolutely gobsmacked and had to write to get this off my chest.

    I've been seeing a guy for 7 months. Everything has been great: we were a team.

    I had to go to a family wedding 2 months ago and met up with an old friend of mine (male) whom I've known for a very long time. After the wedding my partner told me he was convinced I cheated on him with this friend... I didn't and would never.

    Anyway, I got a text from this friend last night and my partner completely blew up at me over it. The text was a general 'hello' that I get (and all the other friends in the group get) about every 3 months, touching base and asking how I am. Nothing untoward whatsoever.

    My boyfriend was convinced (again) that the text was sinister, start spouting allegations of cheating with this friend and me lying about it. I am totally in shock at this. I left his company shortly after this argument as I wasn't getting through to him, he wasn't listening. He said we're better off finishing with eachother if this is the way I'm going to be!!!!

    I'm not looking for advice on whether to beg him for forgiveness for something I haven't done but I just had to share the experience here and see what you guys think. It's totally floored me.. being accused of some mad affair that I never had.

    Ludicrous. Totally and utterly ludicrous.

    Sounds almost like a textbook insecure guy who'll end up being alone for a long time if he can't cope with the idea of any woman in his life having any friends other than female. You'll be better off without him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks, guys! Appreciate the responses.

    I have a feeling I'll be on my own for a long time too as, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. Perhaps it's just easier on my own anyway. I wont' have to deal with this type of rubbish.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,641 ✭✭✭Hardonraging


    Thanks, guys! Appreciate the responses.

    I have a feeling I'll be on my own for a long time too as, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. Perhaps it's just easier on my own anyway. I wont' have to deal with this type of rubbish.


    Tis just a number, but no matter what, nobody needs to put up with that level of crazy ... you're better off out of it ..


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Thanks, guys! Appreciate the responses.

    I have a feeling I'll be on my own for a long time too as, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. Perhaps it's just easier on my own anyway. I wont' have to deal with this type of rubbish.

    Id much rather be alone at any age than be with someone who turns psycho over nothing!! That level of insecurity is very unattractive.

    Oh and a friend of mine met a lovely woman after his wife died, he was 76 at the time, and the pair of them used to go out dancing and do all sorts of romantic stuff - love happens at all ages.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells



    I've since been in touch with him and there's no talking to him.

    Ah no OP - he has serious issues if this is the case. You have really dodged a bullet and you are so much better off being free to meet someone normal!! Dont give him a second thought and do not contact him again. Why feed his ego???


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I know he has issues and I guess finding out 7 months in is a blessing compared to maybe 7 years down the line.

    It was completely out of the blue though. How can someone not believe their partner when all evidence suggests they're telling the truth? He thinks things aren't adding up. In my opinion he doesn't want me spending time with anyone else except him and this is his way of manipulating me into feeling sorry for him and giving in.

    I've explained (although, seriously, there's not much to explain!) but he's not believing me. It's the worst feeling in the world to have a story fabricated about you that is SO UTTERLY untrue as to be hilarious.

    i will miss him though. We did have good times and he was such a generous person.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery



    It was completely out of the blue though. How can someone not believe their partner when all evidence suggests they're telling the truth?

    When insecure people obsess over something which has come into their head - whether it's true or not - logic, facts and clear evidence all go out the window. They convince themselves they're right, and then try and get the facts to fit their version of the story.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Don't let your age and the fear of not meeting someone else lead to you settling for something like this.

    The only way you should ever get back with him is if he takes concrete action to get help and solve this. Otherwise you're back to square one. Though looking at what you've written, I can't help but think you've had a lucky escape.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    Has he himself a history of cheating? I often find that people who can / have cheated always assume their partners will too...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Ellsbells wrote: »
    Has he himself a history of cheating? I often find that people who can / have cheated always assume their partners will too...

    Very true. The world we see is a reflection of ourselves.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Thanks, guys! Appreciate the responses.

    I have a feeling I'll be on my own for a long time too as, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. Perhaps it's just easier on my own anyway. I wont' have to deal with this type of rubbish.

    Don't even think like that, you can meet someone really special at any time, regardless of age.

    I think there are two potential explanations here:

    1. He may simply have been looking for an excuse to dump you. (Sorry if that sounds harsh) Dumping you over a text is absolutely ludicrous and blowing things out of all proportion so he may simply have been looking for an "out".....total coward if that's the case

    or

    2. He is essentially a jealous freakzoid who has dumped you over the text. If that is genuinely the case then you've dodged a bullet. I'm not for one moment insinuating he would harm you but extreme jealousy like this in a parter is not something you want to be involved in. It's unhealthy and has a tendency to escalate....first step accusing you of affairs, second step not wanting you to out with your mates, third step stopping you wearing make up and so on.....

    I'd let this one go hon. A really decent one will come along in time.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 83 ✭✭newuser30


    Hi OP, if a similar thing happened to me I would straight away think he had cheated on me/had thought about cheating, and was projecting that onto me. It most often seems to be the case. But even it that wasn't the case he was looking for a reason to get out, so the easiest and most guilt free way is to invent something and blame you for it. Id say leave it and ignore this immature ridiculous person.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think he does, yes. I don't know much about it but his girlfriend (whom he was with for a number of years) cheated on him and I think, in retaliation!, he started cheating on her.
    Ellsbells wrote: »
    Has he himself a history of cheating? I often find that people who can / have cheated always assume their partners will too...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He could have been looking for a way out. I've thought about that being a major possibility over the last 24 hrs. Could have been the case but I'll never find out.

    By the way, he didn't dump me via text. We had a discussion about his thoughts on me getting a text from an old friend. He said we shouldn't be together. That was the end of it.
    newuser30 wrote: »
    Hi OP, if a similar thing happened to me I would straight away think he had cheated on me/had thought about cheating, and was projecting that onto me. It most often seems to be the case. But even it that wasn't the case he was looking for a reason to get out, so the easiest and most guilt free way is to invent something and blame you for it. Id say leave it and ignore this immature ridiculous person.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    I have three friends that were with guys like that. All three of them went through f*cking hell with them, constantly dealing with unreasonable jealousy, agreeing to dump male friends in order to appease the guy's insecurities etc etc. Guess what else they all had in common? After things ended all three of them found out these guys were actually the cheaters and had cheated on my friends multiple times. Best thing that ever happened for all 3 was breaking up.

    Honestly OP, every single person I've come in contact with, that are like the guy you describe, have turned out to be cheaters in the long run. That's why they're so insecure, they think everyone else is a cheater like they are. Bet you any money that down the road, you'll hear of that guy being a cheater.

    Stop being sad, a good guy will come along, one you deserve :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 920 ✭✭✭RandyMann


    curlzy wrote: »
    I have three friends that were with guys like that. All three of them went through f*cking hell with them, constantly dealing with unreasonable jealousy, agreeing to dump male friends in order to appease the guy's insecurities etc etc. Guess what else they all had in common? After things ended all three of them found out these guys were actually the cheaters and had cheated on my friends multiple times. Best thing that ever happened for all 3 was breaking up.

    Honestly OP, every single person I've come in contact with, that are like the guy you describe, have turned out to be cheaters in the long run. That's why they're so insecure, they think everyone else is a cheater like they are. Bet you any money that down the road, you'll hear of that guy being a cheater.

    Stop being sad, a good guy will come along, one you deserve :)

    Thats bull**** to generalise like that


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    RandyMann wrote: »
    Thats bull**** to generalise like that

    It wasn't a general comment. She was talking about cases she knows.


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  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,914 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    RandyMann banned for 3 months for uncivil posting in Breach of the Charter.

    OP, I'm going to close this thread now because from your posts it seems your relationship has ended and you're not necessarily looking for specific advice, just general discussion.

    All the best
    Big Bag of Chips


This discussion has been closed.
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