In need of guidance

decentbloke

Hello all,
Advice and guidance really appreciated.
I’m 29 years old and from a rural area. I’ve always felt attracted to other guys in a physical sense since I was young alongside of feeling attracted to women. I always thought these feelings would go away and when I’d meet the right girl all would be sound. I have been in one serious relationship with a brilliant girl but it didn’t work out and after the few years with someone I was happy to be single again. I never acted on physical attraction to other guys and as a fairly masculine guy I thought that I wouldn’t fit in with gay lads anyway and couldn’t relate to it all. Stupid I know. Now that all a lot of boxes are ticked in my life i.e. work, financial, etc. the true issues of my sexuality have surfaced.
Last year I had an experience with an old college friend. Very late and drunkenly at a party, he came out to me and in my efforts to comfort him and tell him all would be ok, we ended up kissing and fooling around. This guy would be a lot like me, sporting and from a rural area. So the past few months I have been coming to terms with the fact that I may be gay. I have two friends from home who are gay. Both are lovely fellas, although unlike myself they are camp and on the scene in Dublin. I have so much respect for both of the lads, their strength and confidence in their own skin and who they are. I suppose my problem is that I’m still not certain if I’m exclusively ‘gay’ or not. I realise that sexuality is not black or white for some people. I just want to be relaxed and sure about what it is I am. Only recently I met up with my college friend again. He’s a great lad and for the first time in my life I chatted very honestly about all of the things I had felt and thought for years. His situation is very similar to mine so he understood me and vice versa. It felt great to talk. He made me realise that I’ve been keeping all of these thoughts and fears inside for so long and how lonely that is.
I don’t want that alienated and anxious feeling that I’ve had to dictate my future. I want and have the right to be happy…….God knows a happy person contributes a lot more to the world!
Here’s a big catch for me. My profession. I am a primary school teacher in a rural school. I work for the Catholic Church. I love my job with every ounce of myself and find it very rewarding. From training football and hurling teams, to school plays, I wouldn’t do anything else. It is a very community based job and thank God I have built great relations with parents. Along with the job I’m heavily involved with my training in my local GAA club too. I suppose there is a very strong perception of me as an upstanding young man and a good role model…….and maybe I am in many respects but how would this change if people were to find out that I am gay. Section 37.1 of the Employment Act protects religious institutions right to protect their ethos, so those seen to live lives contrary to this are very vulnerable. I teach in an area where there are no openly gay people (as is the case in so many rural areas), there is a chance that some parents could have a very serious problem with me teaching their children should they come to know. I know that none of these things should matter as my sexuality is one small aspect of my life and in no way does it affect my teaching, only perhaps to ensure tolerance is to the fore in my classroom ethos. Ignorance can be a scary thing. The behaviour of a teacher in a rural area is scrutinised heavily, children and parents love to tell me that they know someone I know, saw or heard about something I did. For this reason I try to be careful when out in the local town with my mates not to do anything too stupid. All of this one takes in jest as it is part of the job, but teaching circles are small and I know too well that coming out would be in the ears of the parish I teach in in no time.
At the same time I love where I am from and where I teach. I love my family and would hate to have to move away as I feel I would lose a lot of my identity without these things.
I want to just be able to work out for sure my sexuality without all this other stuff. I want to get on with my life. Yet my concerns are real and I cannot simply throw caution to the wind.
All advice welcome as to how people feel I should proceed with things or if you know anyone in a similar situation.
My apologies for the rant! Reading back on this I don’t sound like myself at all but the hands are shaking here and it’s difficult to write it down!
I am weary.

lottpaul

First of all - well done on being able to express your story so well and so clearly.
Secondly, you are not alone - lots of LGBT teachers out there - but as you say it's not an easy situation. (Before I go on i presume you know of the INTO LGBT group -- http://www.into.ie/ROI/InformationforTeachers/TeacherSpecialInterestGroups/LesbianGayBisexualTeachersGroup/ )

I can empathise with a huge amount of what you say. You sound like a guy who loves his job, and who is appreciated by his pupils. the parents and the school where you work. They're lucky to have someone as dedicated as you on their staff.
True, lots of gay/bi teachers work in large city schools where it is easier to be anonymous, but just as many work in small towns and rural areas and that does present bigger challenges.
You sound like you have a good supportive group of friends and it's great to be able to talk to them. But you sound like you're ready perhaps to move to another stage in exploring your sexuality.
I was in your position over 30 years ago and I won't pretend it was easy. The threat of being dismissed from your job is probably more in theory than reality -- but you're right - it is there. From my experience parents and colleagues really are not too interested in what you do in your own private life. As long as the children are happy and you're playing a full part in the school -- which it sounds like you are. Yes, sometimes people are curious but to be honest they probably have enough going on in their own lives to dwell too much on yours.
There's probably too much more to go into detail about here.
Maybe you should give the INTO group a call. The Chairperson teaches in a very small school in a very rural area and might have more insights and advice.
I really hope it works out well for you - you've taken some good first steps - and there are loads of people out there who will be only to willing to give support and advice.

floggg

This is why the religious exemption form the discrimination laws are such bull****.

I don't know what to say. Obviously the more public you are the more there is a risk in terms if your job, but at the same time is the job worth sacrificing a love life for?

I don't know what the risks are to your job in practice, but even the theoretical threat is not pleasant to have having over you.

You can take steps to go about meeting guys without necessarily being out. It's not always as easy to do as when you can be open but you deserve a love life as much as anybody else.

decentbloke

Thanks lads for the replies. Yeah it is a tricky situation in one way and then at times I think screw all the worrying about that stuff, you have to live your life and as long as I continue to be professional and do my job well surely it won't matter. That's on a good day, other times the whole thing seems like a disaster. I couldn't envisage not teaching though but maybe a change of school setting, as in Educate Together, might be an option. That would mean moving away. Alot to consider and still lots of working out to do!

Dwn Wth Vwls

Maybe you're bisexual? I realise that won't make any difference in terms of your job, but it's still something you need to consider seriously, and not just in a vague "well some other people aren't black and white" kind of way.

CdeC

Hi Decent bloke,
At only 29 you have your whole life ahead of you, it may seem like how could I not have known but I know a good few people who came out in their 20's and were with girls before. But now that you have acknowledged it it may be time to explore it. Just because you are in a rural setting doesn't mean you can't.
The internet is a great resource, there are lots of like minded individuals who are into sport and other such things. If you are willing to travel down the road you could arrange to meet for a few pints with some of these lads.I'm a rugby player myself and now play for the emerald Warriors in Dublin which is primarily gay men but have now met lads on other teams who are gay and I know that there are lots of lads playing GAA who are gay as well. It's come on a long way and you might be suprised how people will react. I must recommend that you dont bottle up these feelings, it will only lead you down a dark road, now as for the community I dont think you have to start announcing it. If in time you are in a more comfortable place with yourself perhaps with a partner then maybe you might test the waters but at the moment focus on yourself and what you want. Also you could tell those close to you in the community when ready and then you'll have a support base for later.

Best of luck, it is a strange time but it will work out.

CdeC : )

decentbloke

Thanks again lad for the responses and I have received a few very helpful pm's too. Definately feeling a bit more hopeful about the whole thing. I do have good people around me, I just need more time to get my own head around it all......I'll get there!!

liamcrowe

Hi Decentbloke,Agree with all the advice you have been given above.You have a long life ahead,enjoy what you have and everything will fall into place.Surround yourself with true friends and the people that are important to you.You have a good head on your shoulders,everything will work out...........

Hamhide

it does sound like a tricky situation but its your right to live the life you want and no matter if you come out or not you are still protected by the law.I've grew up in a small rural village myself and I know how hard it is to keep a secret, and i'm transgender! Unfortunatly it is still a touchy subject in these places and in terms of your reputation and livleyhood it might be a better idea to stay in the closet.You say your gay mates are on the scene in dublin.maybe you could go with them to bars and clubs in the city and have some fun there, this would keep your social and personal life seprate

nordisk celt83

This thread has been bumped at a rather apropriate time. Ivana Bacik and the Labour Party presented a bill to the senate yesterday, that if passed will legislate for your working conditions and make discrimination or dismissal on religious grounds illegal.


Here's hoping Ivana and Labour can push it through, in spite of protestations from Lucinda and their blueshirt fg colleagues!!!

peter barrins

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oisindoyle

As far as I know Senator Ivana Bacik is bringing a bill to the Senate to deal with this Section 37.1 of the Employment Act...It is a silly discriminatory act that should be scrapped ,so heres hoping .
Also I know of one Labour TD who is out and also a school teacher his name escapes me at present but I think he teaches in St Vincents in Glasnevin .So theres one out and "proud" teacher teaching in a "catholic" school,so you're not alone .
Only YOU can tell if you are gay or not.People on here can give their opinions but no one can tell if you are gay or not ,,only you know.
If you are gay great ,congrats on accepting yourself and now your life begins to start for real .
Remember gay is what you are NOT who you are .
Best of luck

peter barrins

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oisindoyle

peter barrins wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Nope not him it's John Lyons T.D.(Labour) maybe I got the school mixed up (or not)

lottpaul

Perhaps Oisin is referring to John Lyons TD? A teacher and one of the 3 openly gay TDS in the current Dáil.

http://www.labour.ie/johnlyons

decentbloke

Hi all

It's around 7 months since I posted that message. I posted after much debate and thought.

I guess by posting I began the process of really dealing with all of this stuff. I have received great messages and support, plenty of good advice too. I have taken all on board and feel that I have come along way. There has been some talking with good friends done which has been fantastic. I did meet someone along the way, a lovely guy who made me see and feel how right this can all be.

I just take each day at a time. Far more comfortable in my own skin. I realised how much worry I had allotted to the job situation and most of it is unfounded. I do my job well and know that the children respect me....what more can I do. My life outside of school is just that, my life. I cannot waste any more time beating myself up about it.

I've learned that one has to move forward with hope and optimism. Life is for living. Plenty more steps to be taken and no doubt it won't all be easy, but getting there slowly. I think being ok within yourself is everything and the rest will follow.....it's all about having the right perspective as this is just one part of who I am. It has been a journey so far, definately one of personal growth.

Thanks again for taking time to read and respond!

oisindoyle

decentbloke wrote: »

Hi all

It's around 7 months since I posted that message. I posted after much debate and thought.

I guess by posting I began the process of really dealing with all of this stuff. I have received great messages and support, plenty of good advice too. I have taken all on board and feel that I have come along way. There has been some talking with good friends done which has been fantastic. I did meet someone along the way, a lovely guy who made me see and feel how right this can all be.

I just take each day at a time. Far more comfortable in my own skin. I realised how much worry I had allotted to the job situation and most of it is unfounded. I do my job well and know that the children respect me....what more can I do. My life outside of school is just that, my life. I cannot waste any more time beating myself up about it.

I've learned that one has to move forward with hope and optimism. Life is for living. Plenty more steps to be taken and no doubt it won't all be easy, but getting there slowly. I think being ok within yourself is everything and the rest will follow.....it's all about having the right perspective as this is just one part of who I am. It has been a journey so far, definately one of personal growth.

Thanks again for taking time to read and respond!

What a lovely post.
Continued success and happiness on your "journey"

Walker77

decentbloke wrote: »

Hi all

It's around 7 months since I posted that message. I posted after much debate and thought.

I guess by posting I began the process of really dealing with all of this stuff. I have received great messages and support, plenty of good advice too. I have taken all on board and feel that I have come along way. There has been some talking with good friends done which has been fantastic. I did meet someone along the way, a lovely guy who made me see and feel how right this can all be.

I just take each day at a time. Far more comfortable in my own skin. I realised how much worry I had allotted to the job situation and most of it is unfounded. I do my job well and know that the children respect me....what more can I do. My life outside of school is just that, my life. I cannot waste any more time beating myself up about it.

I've learned that one has to move forward with hope and optimism. Life is for living. Plenty more steps to be taken and no doubt it won't all be easy, but getting there slowly. I think being ok within yourself is everything and the rest will follow.....it's all about having the right perspective as this is just one part of who I am. It has been a journey so far, definately one of personal growth.

Thanks again for taking time to read and respond!

Best of luck with everything

peter barrins

This post has been deleted.