How do I Stop Worrying What Other People Think?

LegacyUser

Hey guys. Just a bit of background information. I'm a 23 year old guy. I'm in a good job, good friends, everything is going pretty well. The only problem I have is relaxing.

I just cant help but worry what other people think. Everything I do I think over and over again, both before and after I do it. I'll give you some examples:

Today at work I had to make a phonecall to someone. It was a basic enough call, but I spent a few minutes beforehand thinking what would I say or what if I say the wrong thing? Then when I made the call I kind of get uncomfortable and end up stuttering over words.

Another example was the other night when I was out with mates. One of the girls tried to get me up to dance. She grabbed my arms and started waving them about. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to dance, but I just knew I would feel uncomfortable if I got up there and started making awful dance moves.

They are only two simple examples, but it happens all the time. I'm always thinking "what if", concerned with what people think, or if I make a fool of myself. I'd hate to think that someone else thinks badly of me, or that I've embarresed myself. (public speaking is a nightmare too).

Is there any way to get over this, besides just jumping in at the deep end and not caring? It's not easy for me to do (except after a good few drinks). I hope you guys can provide some advice.

Thanks for reading.

el10

you might have a touch of 'social anxiety' - basically this means that you are overly concerned that others will judge you negatively, everyone feels this from time to time, but if you feel it all the time and it stops you from living your life in the way that you want then it is a bit more of a problem:

You could:
-remind yourself that people are very egocentric, and are usually more focused on themselves rather than you (i.e. may not notice or care about a lot of stuff)
-that people don't always 'judge', and more than often, actually identify with us, as we are more similar than different (i.e. all make mistakes, all have vulnerabilites)
-Don't 'mind read' others - you don't know what they are thinking, so why presume they are thinking something negative about you
-At the same time, it is impossible to avoid all judgement, so it is important to be able to cope with judgement, so if someone does comment, consider if it is a fair or unfair judgement, put it into context rather than seeing it as a global judgement (i.e. thinking I made a mistake with that recipe, rather than I am a failure as a person)
-Try not to doubt yourself
-Reassure yourself - remind yourself that you are an 'ok' person, no better or worse than other people
-Try not to expect so much of yourself, and remember you are human, as we don't perform well under too much pressure (i.e. don't expect 100% with everything, expect bits to go well and others bits to go less well - engage in less black and white thinking)
-Don't ruminate and do a post morteum on experiences, as you will do it unfairly, and only focus on what went wrong
-Don't avoid situations - confront your anxiety, so you will overcome it
-Don't overthink upcoming situations, just suspend judgement, and go with an open mind.

You could goggle 'free self help manual for social anxiety', you might get a few free cbt self help booklets...

Hope that helps, good luck with it...

looksee

el10 makes some very good points. Its also worth pointing out that you are also being 'egocentric'. You are allowing your life to revolve around how you feel, to the extent that you think everyone else is concerned with your life too, and mostly they are not.

At the same time it is perfectly normal, and something that will disappear with time, if you let it. The more you think of it as a problem, the more of a problem it will be.

Try and be sympathetic to other people, the girl who wanted you to dance: she might have been drunk or she might have really had to push herself to try and encourage you to dance (or both). If you had thought about how she might feel, rather than thinking about how you felt, you would have had a much better result. And honestly, who would have noticed a bit of dodgy dancing on a night out? You drew much more attention to yourself by refusing. Would you want 'people' to think - 'he's a miserable (whatever)' or - 'good man, he can't dance but he's good craic!'

LegacyUser

Hi. You sound like my clone, I'm in an extremely similar position myself- early 20's, good job, good friends, considered to be handsome and well able to have a joke with my friends. But I feel painfully concious of how others may perceive me. I have started improving a bit over the past months fortunately, but it requires plenty of effort and reminding yourself to try and achieve some goal you have set yourself.

The thing about obsessing about how you would approach a phone-call is just like me, I would never leave a message on voice-mail unless I have the wording determined beforehand. Whenever sending e-mails I would worry whether my wording was too formal or too informal so tended to use google for advice. Fortunately now I have improved, now I just write what comes to mind- quick glance over spelling and send regardless of how I feel, similiarly I am now just ringing a number without thinking over what I may or may not say.

The first time I ever went to a nightclub I shared a few glances with a nice girl at the bar, a while later she came over and started dancing with me. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I would have loved to dance with her but all I could do was turn the other way and act as if I didn't notice her. I would say a lot of girls have come away with the idea that I am very arrogant/think highly of myself if they dont really notice quite how shy I am. I have rejected the approaches of several girls that I liked out of fear and uncertainty. Even with alcohol my inhibitions don't really tend to fall. For this reason I haven't enjoyed nights out much and had avoided them for a few years.

Personally I feel my own issues (I would say I have social anxiety) stemmed from having an ultra controlling family- particularly my father. I know that a lot (possibly the majority?) of people with social anxiety problems seem to be a result of a controlling family (which is worth keeping in mind for any young parents!). I could go into detail here about my youth and have tried many times to post about it, but the posts always become ridiculously long and personal, so I never feel comfortable hitting the post button.

In my first part-time job I was asked to make everyone tea. I made it but I was so nervous about spilling the tea that my arms became incredibly shaky and I had to grip each cup with both hands and slowly tip toe to each individual person hoping they didn't see me jittering my way towards them. I think it is because I was so used to being judged to that level of detail and believed that there was only a singular right way that the problem could be approached and didn't have the perfect answer- so my mind became a nervous mess, expecting to be punished or critcised in some way. I have been carrying these illogical and unfair experiences applying them in my adulthood.

Anyway to the positives- For the past 2 months I have pledged to myself that I will try to put myself into positions that I want to be comfortable in, accept any offers/invitations and avoid nothing- as I had got in the terrible habit of always coming up with excuses to avoid everything. Along with this I have decided that I will not analyse how I 'performed' in social situations, merely just try to think of any enjoyment you may have got out of it. These are obviously things you need to work at over time.

Also I have found hypnotherapy useful. I do not believe it magically fixes you- but I have followed a set of hypnotherapy videos by Paul Ogilvie for social anxiety on youtube and it has been great for clearing my mind and reminding me how great it feels to actually relax and it also helps you come to conclusions about your life (it's a 12 week course that recommends watching a single video everyday for 1 week before moving onto the next, though I have just been moving on to the next one after a day). I was very cynical but I do feel that it helps my thinking process, though I do think you need to watch these things once a day and really allow yourself to get into it. I suppose it is probably much the same thing as meditation.

The other thing I found useful was to try and be more assertive and open with my body language. While it doesn't feel as easy as keeping yourself to yourself I have really found it helpful, it is admitting to yourself that you deserve to be where you are. You need to put yourself in a position of control and authority.

I have found each of these things to be very helpful and notice myself becoming more at ease in social situations and I am starting to look forward to going to things I would ordinarily have dreaded. I do keep a list of daily/weekly/monthly/annual goals now too, which allows me to step things up over time.

Anyway you can ignore my advice as being potentially daft- but please pay no heed to any idea that this problem will pass and solve itself. I have utterly wasted so much of my life thinking 'sure everything will be grand this time next year', your brain has learnt an avoidance reflex from earlier experiences and coping strategies- to change this you need to be proactive and go out there to give your brain a chance to realise that things are different now.

LegacyUser

looksee wrote: »

Try and be sympathetic to other people, the girl who wanted you to dance: she might have been drunk or she might have really had to push herself to try and encourage you to dance (or both). If you had thought about how she might feel, rather than thinking about how you felt, you would have had a much better result. And honestly, who would have noticed a bit of dodgy dancing on a night out? You drew much more attention to yourself by refusing. Would you want 'people' to think - 'he's a miserable (whatever)' or - 'good man, he can't dance but he's good craic!'

It is not so simple. Personally I have been fully aware that my own responses may upset people, that I truly like, and I do feel a lot of guilt and regret about how I would respond. But it is really like being handcuffed, it is not that you feel like you may get something wrong if you dance but that you expect with some certainty complete humiliation.

The same thing goes for appearing miserable. Yes the option of appearing to be 'great craic and a bad dancer' is umpteen times more preferable but the real issue is that while the brain knows it would be preferable it still acts illogically to prevent humiliation and criticism. The brain does not need to be taught the right logic- more so it needs to learn that the subconscious fears are baseless.

Taltos

el10 - welcome to PI/RI.
Please note as per the forum charter and site rules offering any form of medical diagnosis is banned. Doing so can result in a warning/infraction and/or a ban. If you have not already done so please take some time now to review the aforementioned rules and charter.

OP - please note no-one here is qualified to offer you any form of diagnosis - if you wish one please make an appointment with your GP.

Thanks
Taltos

Lorna123

paralleluniverse wrote: »

It is not so simple. Personally I have been fully aware that my own responses may upset people, that I truly like, and I do feel a lot of guilt and regret about how I would respond. But it is really like being handcuffed, it is not that you feel like you may get something wrong if you dance but that you expect with some certainty complete humiliation.

The same thing goes for appearing miserable. Yes the option of appearing to be 'great craic and a bad dancer' is umpteen times more preferable but the real issue is that while the brain knows it would be preferable it still acts illogically to prevent humiliation and criticism. The brain does not need to be taught the right logic- more so it needs to learn that the subconscious fears are baseless.

There is no special way to dance so long as you are keeping in time to the music. Just look around you and copy what you see others doing. The more you do it the less you will care what others think. We all make mistakes so don't feel that you have to be perfect. It is okay to see someone make a mistake and then shake it off, but it is embarrassing to see someone make a mistake and fall to pieces. So even if deep down you feel humiliated act like you are well able to handle it and that is how you will come across. Do a bit of acting and eventually it will come naturally. If only you knew how much others are thinking of themselves and not you, you would be well able to laugh anything off.

looksee

paralleluniverse wrote: »

It is not so simple. Personally I have been fully aware that my own responses may upset people, that I truly like, and I do feel a lot of guilt and regret about how I would respond. But it is really like being handcuffed, it is not that you feel like you may get something wrong if you dance but that you expect with some certainty complete humiliation.

The same thing goes for appearing miserable. Yes the option of appearing to be 'great craic and a bad dancer' is umpteen times more preferable but the real issue is that while the brain knows it would be preferable it still acts illogically to prevent humiliation and criticism. The brain does not need to be taught the right logic- more so it needs to learn that the subconscious fears are baseless.

But it can be so simple. Maybe not for everyone, but in an environment like a chat forum we don't really know how badly a person is affected by what he is describing. I think it is reasonable enough to assume initially at least that we are talking about someone who just needs a bit of support, a bit of something to think about. And tbh we are not qualified to deal with anything any more serious. Sometimes all people need is a nudge to realise that they do not have to accept that they are completely ruled by their anxiety.

If you feel that you are affected by an unmanageable level of anxiety, then all we can say is, see your doctor, we can't do anything to solve that level of problem.

Lola B

Hi OP,

I am in the same boat as you, I'm a 21 year old girl and suffer from low confidence sometimes.

One thing that helped me a lot was seeing a councillor, this might seem drastic but a good councillor will be able to point out the flaws in your negative thinking, like you might say "I always make a fool of myself on the phone" and they will be able prove to you that this is wrong, its cognitive behavioral therapy.

Also try to accept that there will always be people that don't like you. And there will always be people that you just don't like. And thats's ok.

And sometimes if I feel nervous speaking to someone I try and say to myself "I respect myself more than anyone else".

el10

I hear what you are saying and that was not my intention, at the same time, I think it is important to normalise these issues...and personally I would not think a 'touch of social anxiety' is a diagnosis..we all experience it at times as my post stated....to me its no different than saying 'anxiety in social situations'.