best man problem

jimjammy

Hi there, not sure if its the right forum but just thought I'd get some opinions from the lads side. You see I've asked one of my best friends to be the best man at my wedding next year and he said he'd be delighted and was privileged. Great! Another problem ticked off the list but then recently on a night out he dropped a bombshell by saying that he didnt really like my fiancé. I didnt know what to say to this at the time and have been stumped on the issue since. I know I should probably tell him where to go and forget about being my best man but I dont want to end a 20 year friendship this way. Any opinions? Cheers

Praetorian Saighdiuir

I wouldnt worry about it. It's not essential that he likes your fiance. If you want him as your best man then keep him as your best man. If it is really bothering you and creating a wedge in your frienship, then talk to him.

This has happened plenty of times before to other people. If it was me, it would be a non issue.

Good luck.

Piliger

jimjammy wrote: »

Hi there, not sure if its the right forum but just thought I'd get some opinions from the lads side. You see I've asked one of my best friends to be the best man at my wedding next year and he said he'd be delighted and was privileged. Great! Another problem ticked off the list but then recently on a night out he dropped a bombshell by saying that he didnt really like my fiancé. I didnt know what to say to this at the time and have been stumped on the issue since. I know I should probably tell him where to go and forget about being my best man but I dont want to end a 20 year friendship this way. Any opinions? Cheers

Phewww... he must be a real doozy to actually 'say' that to you or anyone who might tell you about it - whatever he thinks. I would not like my BM to dislike my fiance... no way.
I would leave it a few weeks and then have a man to man with him ... lay it out exactly why and see what he says and then decide - all in a friendly calm way, mind you.

Tefral

If this guy has been your friend for 20 years have you asked him why he doesnt like her?

Does he feel like she might get in the way of your friendship and is maybe jealous? Does he know or think something maybe you should know about.

All in all though theres noway I could have my Best Man not like my wife to be. To listen to him say how good for you and all that craic in front of everyone would be hypocritical id never be able to sit there and listen to him toast to the two of you, all the while you know he doesnt feel it.

Have a discussion with him, sit him down and press him on the issue, it might just be a simple misunderstanding. If he is a true friend he will hash it out with ya.

LegacyUser

He's YOUR best man, not your fiances'. It's not a requirement of the job that he likes her, simply that he's extremely friendly& civil to her (which obv he has been if you were totally oblivious to his feelings towards her until he verbalised them to you recently). For that courtesy alone, he deserves to remain your best man.
I would be grateful for his honesty- it takes guts to say what he did. However, I would be curious to know his reasons.....

jimjammy

Cheers guys thanks for all your replies. Talked with him yesterday on it and he's convinced she's a snob so I think its true to say it would be hypocritical if he were to be best man, especially when I have brothers whom I'm pretty close with. As for the friendship? I guess time will tell. Thanks again!

floggg

jimjammy wrote: »

Cheers guys thanks for all your replies. Talked with him yesterday on it and he's convinced she's a snob so I think its true to say it would be hypocritical if he were to be best man, especially when I have brothers whom I'm pretty close with. As for the friendship? I guess time will tell. Thanks again!

Why would you end the friendship?

He may not like her but he must be nice and polite to her if you never noticed.

I dislike a few of my friends girlfriends/wives and I'm sure a few of them will dislike whatever man I end up with. So what!

As long as they don't make an issue of it other people are entitled to their views on your future wife. If you start cutting people out of your life that don't hold the same view of her as you, you'll find that more and more people will start to dislike her.

P. Breathnach

Good call, in my opinion. If your fiancée wanted you to break with a friend I think it would be a bad thing, but this is a case of a friend taking against the woman with whom you hope to spend the rest of your life: he is the one giving you something of a "it's her or me" challenge.

Either he gets over it, or you don't need him as a friend.

username123

jimjammy wrote: »

Cheers guys thanks for all your replies. Talked with him yesterday on it and he's convinced she's a snob so I think its true to say it would be hypocritical if he were to be best man, especially when I have brothers whom I'm pretty close with. As for the friendship? I guess time will tell. Thanks again!

Why does it matter if he likes her or not? It certainly doesnt matter from the best man pov, and I cant see how it matters from the friend pov - he is your friend, not hers. People are people, if you surround yourself with only those who like your wife, then you may end up being friends with just her friends - some of whom probably wont like you!! It takes all sorts - you know?

I was at a wedding last year where the best man was the brother of the groom and he hated the bride, I mean really really hated her, the entire grooms family hated her - they wanted to try and talk him out of the wedding the night before the ceremony.

HeyThereDeliah

jimjammy wrote: »

Hi there, not sure if its the right forum but just thought I'd get some opinions from the lads side. You see I've asked one of my best friends to be the best man at my wedding next year and he said he'd be delighted and was privileged. Great! Another problem ticked off the list but then recently on a night out he dropped a bombshell by saying that he didnt really like my fiancé. I didnt know what to say to this at the time and have been stumped on the issue since. I know I should probably tell him where to go and forget about being my best man but I dont want to end a 20 year friendship this way. Any opinions? Cheers

He is your friend not hers, I'm sure she will not be bothered. Did he say why he does not like her ?
We all tolerate some friends for the sake of other people its one day they will have to be friendly to each other, does she like him btw ?

John Mason

So what if he doesnt like your gf? why would this effect your friendship? and why wouldnt you want him as your best man ?

my husband has friends i dont like, and i have friends he doesnt like.

so what? he is obviously pleasant to her face, as you havent noticed anything before

remember the saying bros before hoes - you should heed it

dudara

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Good call, in my opinion. If your fiancée wanted you to break with a friend I think it would be a bad thing, but this is a case of a friend taking against the woman with whom you hope to spend the rest of your life: he is the one giving you something of a "it's her or me" challenge.

Either he gets over it, or you don't need him as a friend.

I don't think the friend is delivering an ultimatum to the OP. He has simply said that he's not crazy about the fiancee.

You can't make your friends/significant others all like each other. It would be great if they did, but law of averages, someone isn't going to like someone else. But they can at least all be civil and polite to each other. Several of friends and family have spouses that I just don't care for, but that's a private matter and I wouldn't dream of letting it interfere with friendships.

OP - it was your call to make. But at least you both had the decency to talk to each other.

Missy Moo Moo

The role of the best man is to act as a support to the Groom, organise the stag etc etc. The bride has her own support in the form of her bridesmaids. The best mans personal opinion on her has no real bearing on anything.

It would be a different story if he had a burning hatred towards her and was doing his best to interfere with the wedding. The impression I'm getting is that he doesn't think she's bad for you or anything OP, she's just not necessarily his cup of tea. Which is fine, there are people who are perfectly nice but for no reason in particular we just don't click with, but that we will tolerate for the sake of other people. That's life.

Another thing to consider- if you drop him as best man, surely your fiancee will wonder why? It could be a difficult conversation to have and hurtful to her that he doesn't like her.

tinkerbell

I don't think it really matters OP that your best man doesn't like your fiancée - he said he just thinks she's a bit of a snob (maybe she is?) but so what? It's not like he absolutely hates her and he's horrible to her, presumably as others have said he is very civil to her as you have been unaware of this until he told you.

Kicking one of your friends out of the bridal party is pretty much a massive insult tbh, it's really not the done thing unless they have done something awful to you as quite often the friendship is severed afterwards. So unless you intend to no longer have your best friend in your life and your years of friendship gone down the drain, well I would say suck it up and keep him as best man.