Finding Love Advice

kingfisherdove

Hi everyone! I am a 21 year old, male college student from the midlands. I have struggled for a long time with various aspects of my sexuality. I am not what people would call the stereotypical gay guy. I am muscular and most of the people I have told have been surprised to hear my true sexuality. I'm am not out to most people. Only to my parents and a couple of close friends, all of whom I have told within the last year. So I have made some changes to my life in the past year by telling these people, however I feel I don't want everybody to know yet. I am 97% sure that I am gay, it's just I know in my own heart that I am not ready (and most likely won't be for a long time) for everyone to know. My belief is that everybody doesn't have to know, or at least until I'm in a serious relationship with someone I care about a lot and even then I'm not sure.

The three or four friends who know have been fairly good about it, although most of them girls. I would hesitate a lot before telling my straight male friends because they have said bad things about gay guys in the past and also in my presence which was hard to hear and sit and listen to. My parents are both very religious. My Dad has been excellent about it, however my mum prays that I will 'turn' straight and sometimes insults me to my face, which of all things is really upsetting.

My other concerns are the possibilities of finding a boyfriend. Most gay people both in the city but definitely in small towns and country areas know the feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, isolation, fear and thoughts of being better of dead that arise from being gay. It also is affected of course by background, religion and other things. I always had hoped I'd find somebody. From my experiences in the community, guys have been interested in short term/no strings attached rendezvous of which I have come across a few. I have gone little past kissing with all of them. No strings attached and one time things are not exactly what I had in mind for my life. I see many of my straight friends in monogamous relationships and that is what I've always wanted, with the right person of course. I don't mean to offend anyone but my personal preference is well built guys. I sometimes find it difficult to find a guy I am attracted to as a result. I'm at a stage now where I don't really know what to do. It is very difficult to find somebody who understands. I'm not out and not very much into the scene. I just want somebody to hold and that sounds so cheesy.

So I'm just kind of looking for hope, some advice, is love possible to find in gay life, something meaningful. Any advice is very much appreciated. Thanks for reading

eaglach

Hey. I completely understand what you're going through, I am in a similar situation myself. 24 year old guy, pretty certain I'm gay, I have come out to some friends (not family) but I'm not ready for everyone to know. Also, people were surprised I was gay being masculine as well!

I can offer little advice only that you're not alone and there are many other guys out there in a similar situation (I recently made a topic about this kind of thing as well and I got a great response from everyone here). Don't feel pushed about telling people just for the sake of it. Only tell them if you want to.

Hope you find the answers you're looking for.

kingfisherdove

Hey thanks for replying. And don't worry at all, it's just great to know there is somebody and some people out there going through the same thing. And you are right I feel like I don't want people to know, until I'm happy with it myself. It's great to know I'm not alone in this so thanks again.

floggg

Are you in college/based in the midlands still?

Obviously there will be something of a limited field of men out there if so, which will complicate things.

Regardless though, there are plenty of gay men looking for relationships out there. As I often say, the proof is the number of threads started on here by guys complaining that they can't find one. Normally the problem is they are looking in the wrong places - hook-up sites or apps or in gay bars where people are out for a drink and a flirt. I think the more gay people you know socially the better your chances of meeting people.

As for muscular guys, there are **** load of muscular gay men out there. It's a bit if cliche but there's loads of gay men who are into their appearance and body, probably because like you that's what they feel is attractive.

Again, if your in the midlands they might be spread a bit thinner but in places like Dublin they are a dime a dozen. Including one or two very hot muscular guys in my gym!

kingfisherdove

Hey thanks for replying. I'm stuck in the midlands I'm afraid so yeah there is very limited availability of gay men here. Like of course there are 5 or 6 out out guys that everyone knows about but apart from that most of the other gay guys are well hidden. I commute to Maynooth. Maynooth is much more gay friendlier but still it isn't perfect. What I've experienced there is a lot of people wanting to hook up, but nothing more. Gay Dating sites are not good at all, a lot of weirdos, some nice ppl but not many, mainly lots of creeps.

Good to know there are many gay guys looking for relationships, I haven't really seen that much yet. True there are a lot of threads about it, myself included.

Yeah I sense that too, a lot of gay guys know what looks good in a guy and therefore kind of strive for the toned/muscular physique, as I have done. I must admit tho when I see any muscular guy I assume he's straight, I just think it's too good to be true haha. And anyway of course it's not about how muscular they are, but it is something I like in a man.

No muscular gay guys at my gym I don't think, u never know but...doubt it!! I must go Dublin!!

Seriously tho thanks for the advice

Aurongroove

It's not easy!

kingfisherdove

No it certainly isn't!!

Rick_

There are loads of threads on here from guys like us looking relationships and not looking for hook-ups, and from guys who aren't the stereotype that gay guys are generally perceived to be. A good thing to do is look out for social groups for gay people in many activities. This will help you get to know other gay guys but it's not like in a bar where you're drinking and flirting and it could lead to a hook-up, and it's not a website where you only get contacted if you look a certain way, have a certain line of text in your profile or are again, looking for a hook-up. I think I'm a member of every dating website going and most of them are full of weirdos and creeps and guys looking nothing more than a hook-up, even when the sites themselves are designed for people specifically NOT looking hook-ups!

It's not easy, but then again, nothing worth having is!

kingfisherdove

Hey thanks for responding, yeah the dating sites are definitely full of weirdos haha.

It's tough to meet in groups out here in bog. There really isn't anything in the midlands of Ireland like gay groups tho, so it means you really have to travel somewhere, most likely Dublin. I have used BelongTo before, but again I found it both clicky and a place where more experienced guys would prey on the newbies and then move on to the next! and so I stopped going; it wasn't worth the effort and emotional attachment. Some guys have no feeling, it's just upsetting to be honest. I was led on for 12 weeks by this one guy for NOTHING! So groups thus far have been a fairly negative experience for me.

Yeah true nothing worth having is easy, however lots of straight couples get it easy enough tho!!!

wonderfulname

Having come from the bog and being the same age as yourself I think it's really a case of knowing the right people, I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to bump into them when I was quite young, I honestly don't know how you could orchestrate such an event. People do meet in groups, there are/were gay nights in places, but I'm not around enough to tell you what the current situation is.

These never picked up steam and they make me facepalm in parts but at least you can see you're not all alone down there, and there's reference to club nights that may still exist;
https://twitter.com/lgbtmidlands
http://www.facebook.com/MLGBT/

kingfisherdove

yeah i have heard of them wonderfulname, from what i heard it was only a couple of people that ever turned up. And now I think it's not even on anymore, sad really, maybe it just demonstrates the fear that still underpins rural living.

Petey89

iv been where you are, came from the back arse of nowhere i was literaly the only gay in the village haha! but I moved in with friends after i came out to everyone didnt want to live at home anymore because i think that was putting me off meeting anyone incase i did find someone i liked i didnt really want to hangout with them at my mams house, soon after i moved in with my mates who are all straight i meet my bf through them being going out over 2 years now I think it is hard to find someone especially when your not into the gay scene like yourself and me too, but it will happen some day for you if you are living at home tho and your mam is insulting to you i think it would help if you moved out with some friends who know your gay would make your life easier.

toexpress

Try Midland Walking on gaydar they have a profile there and they have a face book page I don't have the details but someone else here might be able to post them.

There is also Sunrise LGBT in Newbridge, Kildare and they have a facebook page as well (I'm 31 so I missed the facebook revolution and don't have these details if you can't fax it then it's pretty much beyond me)

Annasopra

I think OP it's may also be a case of changing your mindset and being open to possibilities.

From what I've read in this thread you've

Decided against belong to because of 1 bad experience
Decided that lgbt life in the midlands is too hidden
Given up on Maynooth because it's not perfect!
Heard something about a group so automatically ruled out attending

I know what it's like to fear groups and new experiences but perhaps you are letting fears take over and looking at things too negatively.

I mean if you had a more positive attitude and were less back by fears you might;

acknowledge your bad experiences with groups but not give up on them

Look for lgbt life in the midlands a bit harder - contact groups, individuals you know

Attend a group somewhere

Annasopra

Which county are you in OP?

kingfisherdove

Hey Mango Salsa you summed me up fairly well! I'm from Westmeath...

Annasopra

kingfisherdove wrote: »

Hey Mango Salsa you summed me up fairly well! I'm from Westmeath...

Ok - so then the ball is in your court

Make one change

Do something positive that you fear but do it anyway

Go to an event - maybe a walk

https://www.facebook.com/Midlandwalkin

Ring Paul Walsh Olesen - find out if he knows of any groups near you

http://www.lgbtdiversity.com/region.aspx?title=midlands_region

kingfisherdove

Thanks Mango, I will do my best. It still is some distance away I will try tho, thank you

floggg

mango salsa wrote: »

I think OP it's may also be a case of changing your mindset and being open to possibilities.

From what I've read in this thread you've

Decided against belong to because of 1 bad experience
Decided that lgbt life in the midlands is too hidden
Given up on Maynooth because it's not perfect!
Heard something about a group so automatically ruled out attending

I know what it's like to fear groups and new experiences but perhaps you are letting fears take over and looking at things too negatively.

I mean if you had a more positive attitude and were less back by fears you might;

acknowledge your bad experiences with groups but not give up on them

Look for lgbt life in the midlands a bit harder - contact groups, individuals you know

Attend a group somewhere

kingfisherdove wrote: »

Hey Mango Salsa you summed me up fairly well! I'm from Westmeath...

mango salsa wrote: »

Ok - so then the ball is in your court

Make one change

Do something positive that you fear but do it anyway

Go to an event - maybe a walk

https://www.facebook.com/Midlandwalkin

Ring Paul Walsh Olesen - find out if he knows of any groups near you

http://www.lgbtdiversity.com/region.aspx?title=midlands_region

This!

This probably what I should be saying in all the other similar threads, but I've become jaded and cynical.

Meeting new people requires a bit of effort and an open mind, but gets fairly easy once you get into it.

unusuality

Same boat here. We'll find someone.... eventually

toexpress

unusuality wrote: »

Same boat here. We'll find someone.... eventually

I think it's time someone hosted a big ol' gay dinner party and got all the guys from here together and you all paired off!!

Annasopra

toexpress wrote: »

I think it's time someone hosted a big ol' gay dinner party and got all the guys from here together and you all paired off!!

Are you offering?

toexpress

mango salsa wrote: »

Are you offering?

I would but my house isn't big enough to take everyone :-(

Joking aside I did recently try to organise a dining group within the Midlands but to be honest there were so many difficulties in trying to please everyone with a suitable event and venue.

There were issues like people not wanting to include lesbians which really hacked me off because the idea was to get a social group together and lesbians are gay as well so I didn't understand that issue. Then there was issues with trying to outline what would be seen as acceptable conduct at such an event which again I felt was something that we shouldn't be doing on the basis that this was a group for adults and each person is capable of deciding what they feel is suitable conduct.

In the end I just walked away and left them to it but I would have no problem hosting any event that helped get people to mix and match

conspiracycat

Hey

I know exactly how you feel, I live in a village where there is another lesbian (she's a bit older than me and doesnt know im gay) and iv heard some of the things people have said about her, giving her looks etc so im petrified about coming out to anyone here. Im not gay looking either and people say I dont look like a lesbian when they hear.
My family and friends know and a few other people. Im always saying to myself that i need more gay friends but I know thats up to myself to get out there and find them! I know if im more open in certain circles that I might find someone but im just so darn scared

But im taking it at my own pace and im definitly getting there

And hey.. if all else fails.. we can be friends! :P

Rick_

My advice for finding love? Stop looking! They say when you stop looking it finds you, and that's sort of what happened to me. So relax, don't worry about finding someone and just enjoy life and be happy. You never know who will come into your life when you stop focusing on one thing and just go with the flow.

toexpress

At the weekend I was out with a group of straight female friends and we spent much of the night in The G. As we were travelling home one of them said to me how she now understood what I meant when I said that there are an awful lot of very unhappy gay men in the world

kingfisherdove

yeah it's a life that's just chasing pavements to be honest. Only gone on the scene twice and for a lot of people who want something more than fleeting, it's a lost cause!! Not the place to find someone special unless u're one of the lucky ones!

floggg

kingfisherdove wrote: »

yeah it's a life that's just chasing pavements to be honest. Only gone on the scene twice and for a lot of people who want something more than fleeting, it's a lost cause!! Not the place to find someone special unless u're one of the lucky ones!

Oh for **** sake!

Yea, if your going to the George looking for a husband your a lost cause. In the same way if you are going to Coppers looking for a wife it's a lost cause.

There's a lot more to nightclubs, straight or gay, then romance or hooking up. Most people go just for the craic, hang out with friends and have a good time. Same as most straight people on a Friday night.

I've had plenty of great nights out on the "scene." Like anything else though, a healthy positive attitude is important. Unrealistic expectations or having specific "objectives" will likely lead to disappointment. Bars/nightclubs just don't work like that and you have to take each night as it comes.

If you up just to meet somebody, you will only make yourself miserable, either by not meeting anybody or expecting too much from a drunken score.

If you go out looking to enjoy yourself and have a good time, chances are you will (being open minded about the music played will help).

coolperson05

floggg wrote: »

Oh for **** sake!

Yea, if your going to the George looking for a husband your a lost cause. In the same way if you are going to Coppers looking for a wife it's a lost cause.

There's a lot more to nightclubs, straight or gay, then romance or hooking up. Most people go just for the craic, hang out with friends and have a good time. Same as most straight people on a Friday night.

I've had plenty of great nights out on the "scene." Like anything else though, a healthy positive attitude is important. Unrealistic expectations or having specific "objectives" will likely lead to disappointment. Bars/nightclubs just don't work like that and you have to take each night as it comes.

If you up just to meet somebody, you will only make yourself miserable, either by not meeting anybody or expecting too much from a drunken score.

If you go out looking to enjoy yourself and have a good time, chances are you will (being open minded about the music played will help).

Couldn't agree more! Unfortunately, the place where people's sexuality is probably most obvious is not the best place to meet them! I've always been of the opinion that the love of your life is probably not standing at a bar drinking jagerbombs! Go out and have fun, people out with a mission are generally very disappointed when the lights come up in my experience!!

kingfisherdove

Hey listen, I know it's not the place to find a husband and I'm not looking for a husband yet. And of course not every guy that you meet is relationship material for whatever reason. I'm just wondering where else can you meet guys in Ireland that could lead to something even half special???!!

Norcop

I met my fella on Gaydar 4 years ago. We chatted online for a few hours and after a week met up for a few pints. Seems to be plenty of nice guys on there looking for more than just 'NSA meets'. Why not put a bit of effort into your profile, filter out all the people that don't fall into your age requirments and really give it a go. Aim to meet one guy from there for a pint /coffee each week.

kingfisherdove

Hi guys, thanks for all the responses

Well I suppose there can be relationships found online as in Norcop's situation and they can be good relationships. I think that for a huge amount of people that aren't on the scene or are not 'out' or not 'out' to many, the internet seems to be the place to go for some solace.

People everywhere are searching for something, that much is obvious. Some searching for validation, some searching for someone to make them feel good about themselves, some for someone to make them forget the pain of the past, some for someone who will make them forget about the silence of an empty house, some are searching for someone to give life some meaning and some are looking for someone to have a good time and do whatever.

The truth is everybody wants to be happy and for different people that means different things. And I hope, in time, the influence of other people's opinions won't impede on my pursuit of happiness. Although in many ways in my life I will have traveled the road less traveled, but I don't regret that. However at times things seem hopeless but I'm very much a person who lives in the moment and what I'm feeling at the time so I wear my heart on my sleeve so when I'm hopeful I'm very hopeful and vica versa.

I just hope that some day things will be better, for not just some of us, but ALL of us