Having trouble being seen for who I am.

Coco84

I know this is getting into a question none of us can answer about ourselves but I'm really struggling these days.

The background story goes like this. Went out with the instructor in exercise class, couldn't sleep with him the first week as it was the wrong time of the month (he's unaware of this detail). Then he just decides I'm a goody-two-shoes and stops interaction outside class. So we just carry on like nothing happened with no discussion as to what actually happened. He's since been tailoring his playlists during class and this is not helping. The last class had a loop of the song "I can't get no satisfaction" and this song:
http://www.traditionalmusic.co.uk/songster/55-she-always-does-exactly-as-shes-told.htm

The latter really infuriates me. At first I was angry because he got me so wrong. Then I was angry at myself because maybe he got me so right. At that point I'll admit I had a drink and cried a little at the new light in which I see myself. I also realised that so many people just see me as a nice girl. The most common way people describe me is "lovely girl" or "fine lady" (by the way I'm only in my 20s so the last one throws me a little). This never bothered me before but now it really annoys me because maybe it's true and maybe I am nothing more than that.

I don't plan on changing. I act with the best intentions and never want to hurt anyone. Now I'm seeing this as a fault but couldn't face myself if I changed. How can you show people that while you act with integrity, it is different to being obliging??? My actions seem to make no difference. I am witty, tease a little and will be the first to draw attention to unintended innuendo but I'm still thought of as the good little girl.

Any advice on any of it? Do you find that people never see you for who you are? Do you think you can see yourself as you really are? What's the secret?

Even any advice on how to avoid getting into fight or flight mode in the exercise class when he's come up with more songs to describe me?

cafecolour

He's a sleazy c*nt who probably tries to bang all his hot students. If you'd slept with him, he'd be ignoring you after a week as well, and you'd feel even worse when he's not talking to you outside of class.

You've let this get into your head in a strange. I don't know why you would be upset that people see you as a 'good girl'. Do you really want people to see you as more 'easy'? That's really going to attract the wrong sort of attention IMHO, and leave you even more upset.

cherrypie

Went out with the instructor in exercise class, couldn't sleep with him the first week<--That was a lucky escape. Definitely.

What’s wrong with being seen as a nice girl? How is that a fault? I’d be more worried if someone I really respected and looked up to thought badly of me AND I deserved it, that would be an actual problem.

Do you find that people never see you for who you are? Do you think you can see yourself as you really are? What's the secret? The secret is chill out and stop worrying and overthinking things. Stay way from fu*kwits who throw their dummy out of the cot because you couldn't sleep with them the first week. Most people never see you for who you are, that's how you know when you've met someone really special.

I act with the best intentions and never want to hurt anyone. Good, keep it up.

gigawatt2007

And get a new exercise class while you're at it, he's only a cnut who doesn't deserve to be even looking at you.

Big Bag of Chips

Folks, tone the language down. Mixing up letters or inserting an asterisk isn't fooling anyone!

There are rules to abide by when posting in PI, if you're not familiar with them check the Charter again.


OP - I can't believe that you honestly believe that you should have slept with him in the first week, and because you didn't he is making all these subtle digs at you? If that is what is happening with him then he sounds like a real charmer, doesn't he... you missed out badly there! (are you noting the sarcasm?!)

My guess is, he is in the perfect job. He has a captive audience to impress and hit on. And his playlist is probably limited enough - I think you are probably reading too much into his playlist... I'm guessing he's really not that clever to be able to continue to come up with songs that annoy you!!

You're not the first he has hit on, and you can be absolutely certain you are not the only one who didn't sleep with him in the first week... I'm sure he hasn't time to be re-doing his playlist for every girl that he doesn't have his way with.

I'd rather be nice and be respected by people than be sniggered at behind my back!

Distorted

Well, he doesn't sound like a very nice man. And what with the songs, he sounds like a real attention seeking games player. Probably you have hurt his male ego or something, but this is not the way a decent guy handles it. And while I'm wondering why you didn't simply say you had your period the week you saw him, not sleeping with someone in the first week of going out is hardly something you need to explain anyway! Its hardly a long time!

But I detect something more under your posts, that you are a bit shy and maybe a bit uncommunicative, and you want to be more outgoing. Also that you like this guy (for whatever reason, but your choice...) and it is praying on your mind. So I think you either do one of the following to get peace of mind:

(1) Approach him, after the class or something, and flirt a little, and say you were sorry you were unable to take it further the week you were together, but it was your time of the month. Flirt. Be a little coquettish.

But don't blame me if you get involved with a horrible guy and you end up feeling bad at some point later down the line when he's treated you badly/dumped you for the latest conquest in the class.

(2) Get a new exercise class, make sure you don't see him again, and forget all about him.

Coco84

Can't really leave the class. It's complicated but I wouldn't let myself run away anyway.

Yes I am shy and not happy about it but I definitely won't be going near him again. Despite the fact I know he's got warped views, I do think he might be a very nice person deep down. I don't know, I kinda feel sorry for him and I can't help separating the actions from the person. Sounds crazy but he's always struck me as a person who just needs a hug despite the other image he projects. In any case I know he wouldn't be good for me.

Thanks everyone. Each one of your replies makes me feel much better and really made a difference. Helps put it all in perspective and draw me into line. I needed the reassurance to be myself and not have to apologise for it or be ashamed of it. I hope the next class will be easier.

bellylint

Heya, If he would act like this after not sleeping with him, I dont think had you have slept with him that you would find it was the magic tonic that would have made it work. You shouldnt have to go 'digging' for a nice person in somebody.

I think you dodged a bullet overall, even if the guy has some attractive points, think about the juvenile way in which he has acted since not getting 'some'. Just because you snog someone and fool around with them doesnt automatically mean sex.
Best I can offer on the tracklisting side of things, is to laugh it off if you can... maybe suggest En vogues "My lovin (never gonna get it)"
Big ups on the not just quitting the class. Its not easy, but you can hold your head high on that.

Best of luck

looksee

I know I'm an oul wan but still I can't see that there should be an automatic assumption that you sleep with someone on a first date/first week! I think you had a lucky escape and if you were to look a bit disdainfully at this man rather than looking embarrassed, he would back off/ find someone else to 'charm'.

Yes, I know you see a lot on the internet/tv about people falling into bed with each other having said 'hi' as they pass in the street, but you only hear about the ones who do, not the thousands who don't.

LegacyUser

You were lucky that you did not sleep with guy on a 1st date.
After the way he has been acting with you he has shown himself up for what he really is.
This guy is possibly easy on the eye and uses this to get woman into bed.
He could then tell his friends about how easy he finds it to get woman into bed as he thinks this is cool.
I would not flirt with him as he will think I am on to a sure thing here.
You sound like a nice girl who is a bit shy and there is nothing wrong with this.
If you like some one you should get to know them before having sex.
Also you want to be more than a notch on some guy's bed post.

Roisy7

I'm sorry but he sounds like an absolute creep!!! He couldn't even wait a week?!

Honey, regardless of whether you were on your period or not, not sleeping with him was the best thing you could have done. Just imagine the songs he would have picked if you had!!

I, like you, have always been pegged as a nice girl by people I meet. And yes, I know how frustrating that can be. BUT there is difference between being a nice girl and a doormat.

You say you think this guy is vulnerable and projects an image? So? That's not your problem. I mean this- it's time to get selfish. Not be an asshole obv, but put yourself first. I'm prone to this type of magical thinking too, and look it, it gets you NOWHERE. Ask yourself this next time the thoughts of 'oh but he's insecure' come into your head- is he thinking and analysing me like this? No, he's not.

You cannot control other people's behaviour but you can control your reaction to them.

Put yourself first. It is only by having good self-worth that you will get confidence. I would advise doing some assertiveness training, or mindfulness to rid yourself of negative thoughts.

You're worth way more than a one-nighter with some oversexed gym instructor. People might see you a certain way, but feck them! The opinions of only a select few matter. Oh and on the good girl thing- sometimes it's not all bad. I find I've gotten away with things under the radar simply because people think it's "out of character"

Coco84

Thanks everyone. All your comments made the difference. Now I realise how silly it was to hate myself for being nice and for letting this guy get to me. The last class went very well. I just kept my head high and my usual smile.

Roisy7

Great to hear it OP "Keep your head, heels and standards high"