What to do about immature partner?

Reggie4

On the subject of trust in a relationship. I am with same girl nearly 15 years, since I was 19. We have a young and happy family. She is a flirty person in general but sometimes I think it can cross the line a bit. Countless times(in fact most times since we started going out) we would be out on a night out and after a few drinks she's off. There have been times when I have come across her in intense conversation/flirting with other guys. These could be complete strangers, it doesn't seem to matter much to her. She'll always be in a corner of a room with some guy. Her body language, which I am familiar with, seems to suggest that she is seriously flirting. She admits that but says its just flirting. But why go round looking to create the opportunity? why does she constantly do these things? Is it drink? me? cheap trill at feeling wanted?

To give you a bit of a background she still gets absolutely pissed like an 18 year old girl every time she goes out. She is a fine looking woman, intelligent, bubbly with a wicked sense of humour. I actually like her out going personality but after 15 years I would like her to grow up a bit and not get drunk, disappear and flirt with guys. She has cheated on her previous boyfriend but that was when she was 18. Nothing to do with me except the fact that she cheated on him with that guys brother makes me think what her capacity for cheating is like? It was when she was young though so it shouldn't matter, which it wouldn't, but for the fact that she still acts like she was 19 when drinking too much.

This is all coming to a head because she mentioned to me that her workmates and herself have booked a Christmas party for themselves (its not her works official party), in a hotel 40 miles from where we live and work. Now I am not a damp squib but how is going to a festiveness Christmas party where surely her and her mates are sure to get completely wasted in the presence of other inebriated and randy men from other office Christmas parties. She took no time in explaining that partners were not invited, even though it isn't the official party and is been organised by them. Why would a bunch of office women go to Christmas party in a hotel 40 miles away from where they work, not invite their partners and book a room for the night? Its all very immature to be honest.

Thing is I just am at a stage in my life where I have a family I love and a fiancé I still fancy like mad. I am sick of this **** every time we go out. I just want a normal relationship. I ain't going to stay with a person who does these things even if she says it means nothing. Why am I having reservations about this whole party thing? I would be hurt but I would rather be single and look for somebody else than keep up this charade. She says she loves me and wouldn't cheat but ffs why do all the chasing then. I am cleaner than white, I can be grumpy, negative like anyone else. We have a good sex life considering we now have a teenager in the house. But I sometimes think she is somewhere else and it's a horrible feeling to have. She is sick of me saying it to her but she's the kind of person to bury something and plough on.

What do you think? A woman's point of view would be helpful a lot.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there,

Could I ask that you read the forum/site rules with regards to bumping old threads and posting the same post multiple times in different forums.

You should also check whether the forum you are about to post in is appropriate by reading the forum charter which is stickied at the top of the front page.

Your other post which bumped a 4 yr old thread which was then moved here has now been deleted - in case you are looking for it.

Cheers. :cool:

fits

I dont think what she did when she was 18 should have any bearing on her now. So forget about that.

Flirting is fine and having a few drinks is fine up to a point. But I can see why its annoying you a bit now.

As for the Christmas party, you either trust her or you dont.

Maybe be honest with her, and tell her you're worried about her behaviour, and give her a chance to put your mind at ease. thats the best you can do. Make sure this is all done in a very calm manner though. Thats really important. be careful not to be accusatory in tone.

HeyThereDeliah

You need to have a serious talk with her about her behaviour when she goes out, I'm not saying she can't have a good drink but getting totally wasted and openly flirting is a bit much.
If it were the other way round would she have it out with you ?
The flirting might be harmless but she should take your feelings into consideration and the office party thing I'm not convinced of her motives here tbh.

I think you trust her but deep down you have some reservations and doubts about her being faithful.

Reggie4

She brought up the party subject up. I told her how I feel about it. No fighting or raised voices! She then said that she wasn't going to stay the night but just go to the party. But she can hardly get a cab home 40 miles away. Why organise an xmas party so far away with an overnight stay. Her workmates are sound but a bit wild. She says that other partners dont have a problem with it. Hard to believe as I am a man and know that most wouldnt be ok with it.

Now she is saying that she doesn't never wanted to go anyway but why bring it up then. Its not her going though. It;s basically **** or get off the pot. If she doesn't want to grow up then fine but be honest cause I want different things from the relationship obviously.

HeyThereDeliah

Suggest picking her up after the party if she makes excuses then you might see things differently.
Some people never change and in her defence this is the way she is and she probably sees nothing wrong in what she does because in her mind she is just having a laugh.

Are there other issues with the relationship that is bothering you?
I dunno if I should ask this but will, how come ye have not got married? I'm not judging you are anything just curious.

Reggie4

I think you are right as she said as much. That she just didnt think of it that way. But I asked if it was me and my mates organising our own xmas party with same circumstances would she be happy. She said thinking about it now no she wouldnt!

I thought for years that we hadnt got married because I didnt want anything to do with church. I always thought it was me but found out a few months back that she hadnt wanted to get married as much as I didnt (I deserved that for just been so presumptious anyway). I wasnt always the best boyfriend but I never cheated, I would go out with my mates and not get home till 8 the next morning.

About 6 years ago I decided that I didnt like going out for drinks with her anymore over her drunkenness so I made the choice(didnt tell her) that I would go out with my mates on different nights she went out with hers. Worked up to last year or 2 until (I love the girl and wanted a more 'grown up' relationship) until we started going out together again. It has been a disaster as when we have gone out out she has not changed a bit. Still the same ****.

I know she loves me loads but can't handle that behaviour anymore. I love her too and we have great kids. Basically I have told her she can do all those things but without me as her fiancé. I dont want to be a paranoid freak and an untrusting person either so she needs to look at what she wants. I am where she wanted me to be 7/8 years ago(get married) but I have think that maybe she isnt there anymore.

Lorna123

I don't like the idea of her flirting with guys every time you two go out. That is a bit much as far as I am concerned. In my opinion it is a cheap thrill to see if she still is attractive to men. I don't know why she has this need though. Do you make her feel attractive? Normally when a woman acts like this there is something missing in her marriage/relationship that she is looking outside of it for attention.
I would not mind a girls night out 40 miles away, that would be quite normal of recent times but of course due to her behaviour it is also worrying. I can understand your point. You can't forbid her to go though, but I suppose you could tell her in a nice way how you feel.

Wrote the above before I read your last post OP. So it appears that there are a few problems in this relationship and in order to fix them you need to have a chat with her and you both need to tell one another how you feel and how things can be changed for the better.

HeyThereDeliah

Relationships go through phases of loved up all the time to going through the motions sometimes but once there is love there its easy to sit down and chat about what ever it is that is troubling you or her.
I personally could not put up with the excessive drinking on nights out and it would cause problems for me to the point of me giving my OH an ultimatum.

Reggie4

Reggie4 wrote: »

But why go round looking to create the opportunity? why does she constantly do these things? Is it drink? me? cheap trill at feeling wanted?

People flirt, there's nothing wrong with it. I would agree that heavy flirting in front of you is bad form, as it's disrespectful, but I think that disrespect for you should be the issue rather than the assumption that she's trying to cheat on you. You've no proof of any cheating.

Why would a bunch of office women go to Christmas party in a hotel 40 miles away from where they work, not invite their partners and book a room for the night? Its all very immature to be honest.

It doesn't sound immature to me, it sounds like she's trying to have a bit of fun.

I think if you have an issue with the way she's acting, fair enough. You're entitled to leave the relationship if you feel there's an issue you can't resolve. But to be honest it sounds like you're obsessing, and if she is staying faithful, you're worries are probably becoming quite unfair on her. If it's the case that she isn't staying faithful, giving ultimatums about Christmas parties isn't going to solve anything.

Sorcha16

I'm sorry OP but this girl is walking all over you, without a shred of respect for you or your feelings. She needs to grow up and realise she isn't a teenager anymore.

Falling around drunk every time she goes out is disgustingly unattractive and not something any partner should have to tolerate -a man would be branded a drunken philanderer for this kind of behaviour, being female doesn't make it acceptable and make sure she knows it

Stavro Mueller

Just curious. How serious and in-depth a conversation have you have about this? Does she just think it's you being a stuffed shirt or does she understand how much of an issue it is for you? I don't want to go down the road of diagnosis here but her inability to handle her drink is sounding alarm bells.

fungun

Reggie4 wrote: »

She brought up the party subject up. I told her how I feel about it. No fighting or raised voices! She then said that she wasn't going to stay the night but just go to the party. But she can hardly get a cab home 40 miles away. Why organise an xmas party so far away with an overnight stay. Her workmates are sound but a bit wild. She says that other partners dont have a problem with it. Hard to believe as I am a man and know that most wouldnt be ok with it. .

As you describe her behaviour, id consider it immature...but when I read the above paragraph I have to wonder at your objectivity.

Id be fine with my partner staying over at an Xmas party, wherever, its often done to 'get away' and have it so everyone stays over together....yet you seem to consider this unreasonable. I think you are over-reacting to this....not sure is this the same with everything or are you ultra-sensitive because of her behaviour.

You accuse her of being immature, but a relationship is 2 people - if you cant discuss this stuff together and come up with solutions, then Id be looking at your relationship, not just pointing the finger at her. Id focus on that rather than the 'Chritsmas' issue

Reggie4

Yeah thanks everybody for their input. Appreciate the honesty.

Lorna123

fungun wrote: »

As you describe her behaviour, id consider it immature...but when I read the above paragraph I have to wonder at your objectivity.

Id be fine with my partner staying over at an Xmas party, wherever, its often done to 'get away' and have it so everyone stays over together....yet you seem to consider this unreasonable. I think you are over-reacting to this....not sure is this the same with everything or are you ultra-sensitive because of her behaviour.

You accuse her of being immature, but a relationship is 2 people - if you cant discuss this stuff together and come up with solutions, then Id be looking at your relationship, not just pointing the finger at her. Id focus on that rather than the 'Chritsmas' issue

It's not the idea that she is going to a party 40 miles away that is upsetting the OP it is how she might behave, based on his past experiences of her when she is out.

I have no comprehension why a work christmas party is "immature" or why booking rooms is "immature". Plenty of people book rooms at christmas parties, it saves hassle getting home. Loads of them do it here. Nobody brings their partners. Why would they? Bring partners who don't know anyone and who would probably rather be at home or out with their own friends? Not to mention a work christmas party budget is for the employees, not for whomever they feel like dragging along too.

If you have a problem with flirting then discuss it with her instead of calling perfectly normal behaviour "immature" and obsessing over it.

Ellsbells

So for 4 years you only went out with your friends rather than talk to her about your problems and you call her immature. You were happy when you thought there was no mention of marriage and that was on your terms but not happy when you found she doesn't want to marry you ?!?!?

Of course she wants attention from guys, she doesn't seem to be getting it from you.

Big Bag of Chips

From the tone of your posts I get the impression that you are just really fed up with her carry on. And now every little thing she does is annoying you. Even things that shouldn't really be an issue.. Example - You said you always felt that you were the reason you didn't get married, but then you recently found out that she wasn't that bothered either - that annoys you.. Why? Why is it ok for you not to be bothered all this time, but when you find out she feels the same it becomes yet another issue you have with her.

Like the Christmas party...

Reggie4 wrote: »

She says that other partners dont have a problem with it. Hard to believe as I am a man and know that most wouldnt be ok with it.

You're not ok with it. That doesn't mean that "most" wouldn't be ok with it. You are not ok with it because you don't like how flirty she is, and behind it all you think there is a chance she might cheat on you.

You are obviously fed up with how she goes on... That is fine, you are the one directly affected by her but you have to try seperate what is "unacceptable" or "immature" behaviour from her and what is normal behaviour that you are blowing out of proportion.

Going away for a girls night out is not immature behaviour. Christmas party aside, it is essentially a night away with the girls. Nothing wrong with that, and I can't see why "most" would have a problem with it.

If she is openly flirting and "coming on to" people then you need discuss that with her. Not accusing, not blaming, not having a go at her, but just letting her know how it makes you feel, and how it is disrespectful to you and your relationship. It's giving off the impression that she is not that happy with you, and needs attention from others. But you need to stop over analysing things that are really not a problem.

RossFixxxed

It seems to be an issue with you also. Not being able to tell what level of flirting she is doing doesn't help as I can't really judge that. However, I wouldn't bat an eye at my girlfriend staying at an Xmas party, boozing away etc. I trust her, and she'd be the same with me. We'd even look after the other one the next day if there is a bad hangover situation.

You should look at why this has you so concerned / annoyed. What exactly is the immature behaviour. I don't drink, and I'm not a huge fan of getting smashed at a do, but I can understand why people do it, and hey if they're having fun then go for it.

Reggie4

bluewolf wrote: »

I have no comprehension why a work christmas party is "immature" or why booking rooms is "immature". Plenty of people book rooms at christmas parties, it saves hassle getting home. Loads of them do it here. Nobody brings their partners. Why would they? Bring partners who don't know anyone and who would probably rather be at home or out with their own friends? Not to mention a work christmas party budget is for the employees, not for whomever they feel like dragging along too.

If you have a problem with flirting then discuss it with her instead of calling perfectly normal behaviour "immature" and obsessing over it.

Its not an official work party, that's on a different day. This is been organised by a few girls in their department.

Big Bag of Chips

Reggie4 wrote: »

Its not an official work party, that's on a different day. This is been organised by a few girls in their department.

But it's their own "unofficial" Christmas party. That is irrelevant anyway - it's a night away, over Christmas.. most people wouldn't have an issue with it. You have an issue with it, because you have an issue with her behaviour when she drinks.

You need to talk to her about that... not about the night away.

Reggie4

Thanks guys. I know my issue is the drinking till drunk. I feel if she keeps acting in this way then it is only a matter of time before she makes a stupid mistake. If she wants trust it works both ways. The Christmas party wouldn't be a problem if she wasn't going to get bog-eyed for the night. She doesn't drink everyday, now even every week but most times she does it to get pissed, great fun when you're in your late teens and early 20's. Pretty sad if you're a mother in her 30's.

Ellsbells

Reggie4 wrote: »

Pretty sad if you're a mother in her 30's.

In the gospel accoridng to whom??? Do you get drunk when you go out? you really appear to have little or no respect for the mother of your kids by the way you speak about her. Sad? I dont think she is sad. I suspect she is drinking so much because she is lonely and wants attention from anywhere.

ash23

Reggie4 wrote: »

Thanks guys. I know my issue is the drinking till drunk. I feel if she keeps acting in this way then it is only a matter of time before she makes a stupid mistake. If she wants trust it works both ways. The Christmas party wouldn't be a problem if she wasn't going to get bog-eyed for the night. She doesn't drink everyday, now even every week but most times she does it to get pissed, great fun when you're in your late teens and early 20's. Pretty sad if you're a mother in her 30's.

Ho-hum.....I am a mother in my 30s and I drink and I get drunk. I don't think I'm sad.
I had my child very young (and by the sounds of your posts, so did your fiancee). She is possibly just trying to get her life back after raising kids when all her friends were doing their partying in their 20s.
You say that you went off on nights out and didn't come home. You also said that you got engaged but didn't want to get married. Sounds like she's just fed up and looking for attention or a reaction.
Even the way you speak about her. If my partner were flirting with other women I would be hurt and angry and jealous. I wouldn't put up with it. But when you talk of her doing it, it's about how sad and pathetic she is. It's really strange that you would talk about the mother of your kids in such a way. Do you really think she is pathetic?
The flirting, I totally agree that is not right. It's not acceptable at all. But if she unwinds by going out and getting drunk and having a laugh with her friends, who are you to say that is wrong? You did it. At some point you enjoyed that kind of socialising. And just because you have decided it's no longer for you, that you prefer to stay home and chill out, it's not up to you to dictate how she has her fun.

You're not her dad. As her partner you have the right to point out that her flirting is not acceptable to you. But in my opinion, that's about the only thing that you can complain about. You're the one who has changed, not her.

username123

Personally I think for someone who is a parent in their 30s, to behave like a teenager every single time they drink is something that would ring major alarm bells for me. No one minds someone getting a bit drunk or even a big blow out every now and again, but the inability to control it every single time is a worry and a danger sign.

However, as has been pointed out, other aspects of your posts are also worrying, like yourself going drinking until 8am with friends and spending 4 years deliberately drinking on seperate nights to your partner rather than address the problem.

I cant see why anyone would think that people organising to stay at a hotel for the work xmas party is immature but I do understand that you do not trust your partner or her behaviour when she drinks and that that makes it an issue for you.

The marriage issue seems strange - neither of you seem to be acting like adults and sorting out things in a mature and adult manner. No one seems to know or care what the other is thinking.

Most bizarrely I am reading off your posts that your biggest worry and issue about all of this is that she cheats on you - as opposed to the far more immediate and realistic worry that she has a drink problem or that she will get herself into some kind of dangerous situation or the damage that binge drinking can have on someones health or that your children could be getting affected by the behaviour of both of their parents who seem to be acting in dysfunctional ways towards each other, and towards alcohol. Yet, you are worried she will cheat on you - I do think you need to concentrate on your priorities here and find out why your partner feels the need to behave this way rather than worry about being cheated on.

Distorted

Neither of you sound as though you love each other, and it sounds as though you only stay together because neither of you want to be single.

You don't really speak about her as if she's a person ie you don't discuss what her thoughts and feeling might be, but merely her behaviour as it relates to you. Nowhere in your post do you show any understanding of what she is thinking. I can't believe a man would watch his partner flirt with other women in front of him - why didn't you step in and interupt these flirty conversations, instead of just sitting there passively?

She sounds bored with you, you sound as though you don't like her very much. Not everyone wants to be a wife, but you sound as though you want the traditional, dutiful wife by your side - except you've never bothered to get one.

You also sound really old fashioned in your opinions of women, and why they should be immature to have the temerity to book a weekend away with their workmates. I'm left wondering what there is in this relationship for her, since it seems to be a choice between being criticised, if she annoys you, or ignored, if she doesn't. It hardly sounds a barrel of fun.

Gooner111

Hey OP.

I would imagine that nobody is ok with their partner spending the night talking to a stranger - especially when out with them! If the roles were reversed I doubt she would be happy if you were doing that. In a trusting relationship going away for a night isn't a big problem and really should be encouraged. Having said that if she is gettng so drunk she isn't in control then I'd be seriously worried too.

I think it is fairly understandable that you have some trust issues because of her behaviour. The flirting, for me, is excessive and disrespectful. You have raised the subject and she hasn't made an effort to change. If she feels your picking on her that could be a reason she isn't trying. Maybe there is something she dislikes you doing, ie not spending enough time with her/too much with your mates, that you'd be willing to work on to show that your working on the relationship rather than picking on her. The drinking is also a worry, does she remain in control? If not does her friends look after her?? If she gets so drunk she doesn't know who's who she could end up taken advantage of.

You have mentioned you weren't the best partner at times, did you try make it up to her after this? Maybe she is punishing you for those times. Regardless there are some issues in your relationship and if you want it to work then your going to have to talk to her properly and honestly. You can't accuse her of anything or have a go. Convey your worries and concerns and tell her your feelings. Tell her that you want things to work. Ask her what she wants, about getting married, what does she see your future as?? Maybe see a couples counsellor.

Reggie4

She missed her 20's? no she didn't. They were just a bit different to her friends just like mine was as we were young parents. We are both good parents for very happy, respectful and bright children who we're really proud of. No I dont think its acceptable for anyone, never mind a woman, to get paraletic drunk every occasion they drink. Yes I am in my 30's now but I'm not going to go out and live my 20's now that my kids are all in school. I am not only one who has pointed it out. There has been her mam, her sisters, my sisters etc. Do you really think I don't care about her? Why would I come onto one of these discussions boards looking for advice then? I can totally take on most of what you are saying but we are not kids anymore and you need to be open about how you feel. I know I an not perfect and have my own issues to sort out but that is what I'm trying to do by facing up to our problems. If the years of me been a ****ty boyfriend (I agree but to be honest we were both as bad as each other) have taken their toll on my better half then I would like to know how or if I can fix it. I am willing to try anything and we even went to councelling for a while. I am ready for a new chapter, hopefully with my gorgeous fiancé. I know I don't deserve her but she had binge drinking issues before she met me. There are other (major) low points we have experienced, independently and together, that we are not proud of. Maybe there's just too much water under the bridge. Maybe I am just a traditionalist but I don't think I'm chauvinistic as I work, she works, I cook, we both clean and we love spending time with my kids. The one thing I hate doing is ironing, so that's why I do all the cooking:) My mother is a stauch feminist and my sisters are not far behind. I don't see how trying to outlad a lad is noraml fun. Saying it is just modern times is bull****. What's funny about carrying a woman out of a pub or wedding. Where's the craic in that? Oh yeah, fyi, she was raped by a evil bastard when she was 17 in a nightclub. She was wasted and went volentarily through the exits to an unused stairwell with this animal and the rest you can imagine. She never dealt with this by the way, her parents told her to move on and not look back so that prick is still out there somewhere (she has seen him once/twice in town down thru the years).
To all those who recken she's bored and feels unloved; I am giving her the opportunity to admit if she is or tell me what's really bothering her. She is not the type to take ultimatums from anybody either! I trying to fix to we can either move on or move out.

Big Bag of Chips

But are you talking, OP? Really honestly openly talking to each other.. laying it all out?

You see your last post is a whole different tone and problem from your first. Your first you were pissed off with her behaviour and with the notion that she'd even consider going away for a night with her work colleagues.

But your last post is on a different level altogether, and to be honest unless you are honest face to face with each other, there's nothing anyone else can do for you.

Maybe your relationship has run it's course. Maybe there is something there that you both want to fight tooth & nail to hang on to... But you won't know unless you lay it all out to each other and be completely honest... And very importantly, listen to each other.

Reggie4

She has been on plenty of weekends away without me, at home and abroad. She had been on girls holidays to Spain for a week while I have minded the kids. What I am saying is that when I stopped going out with her for nights out then I found that since I wasnt out I didnt see the carnage. I knew she was flirty, so am i to a lesser degree, and I must of trusted her looking back now. I rememebr thinking to myself that I was going to lose her if I didn't stop worrying about whether she would cheat on me. So I took the view that flirting was just her thing (not to obsess myself with it)and that she would ahve a good time with her mates and I with mine and it worked for a period until I realised that this wasn't what a relationship was about. We were just painting over the cracks.
I never confronted her at the time of the flirting on any particular night because I felt humilated and hurt. I don't like making scenes in public either so I would wait to ask her in private. When we have spoke about this recently she says if I see it that way why don't I come over to her at the time and win her attention! Seroiusly like, what am I supposed to say to that? She has told me recently that when we were going out 3/4 years when I obviously wasn't at my attentive best she would deliberately flirt with other guys to annoy me. My sister reckons she loves drama when she well oiled. I have plenty of male friends who don't drink as much or as at all because of seriously behavioural problems when drinking. They have been given ultimations by their spouses and have reacted accordingly (in the right way). Is it ok for a woman to have a problem with a mans drinking and not vice versa. Some people are just allergic to it and it changes their personalities completely.

ash23

I never said she missed her 20s. But she may feel that she missed out on the lifestyle her other friends had. You asked for other perspectives. As a woman who had a child young and spent my 20s raising kids, buying houses, settling down etc when all my friends were travelling and partying, I'll admit, I did feel like I missed out on that part of growing up. She was also doing that and at the same time dealing with a partner who wasn't attentive.

I went straight from teenager to mammy without the fun bit in the middle.
And I try to make up for it a bit now that my child is older.

You say she doesn't even go out every week. personally I don't think it's excessive that she goes out and gets drunk. Now, you say you carry her out of places. To me, that is excessive but just getting drunk isn't.

And you are a chauvinist. "No I dont think its acceptable for anyone, never mind a woman, to get paraletic drunk every occasion they drink."

You went out in your 20s. You went on the beer with your mates and didn't come home til 8am? But you object to her doing the same? Why? Because she's 30? Because she's a woman? A mother?


If you don't like it talk to her. If she won't change then you can't make her. You can only control your own actions, not hers. And if you don't like who she is, then you need to decide what you want to do.

The whole thing just sounds messed up. You say you were a crap boyfriend but now you are ready to be the man she wanted. But she no longer wants what she wanted when the kids were small.
Maybe you are both just incompatible.


Also, you sound like you nearly blame her for the rape. No matter how drunk she was, how willing she was to follow him into a stairwell etc.....the rape was not HER fault. It was his. She could have been stone cold sober and met a charming man and allowed him to walk her to a taxi and been raped.

You can't fix it alone and she isn't willing to talk about it or change, then there really is nothing you can do if you are so completely against her behaviour.

I know plenty of women in their 30s and 40s and older who enjoy a night out with the girls and get drunk. Maybe not to the point where they can't walk, but certainly under the effects of alcohol.
It's not about "out ladding a lad". it's about having fun. And it has nothing to do with being "modern". You drank and got drunk and had wild nights out. That is no longer your scene which is your own call. But you can't impose those changes on her.

Maybe she is no longer what you want but people change and it seems that she hasn't changed but you have.

Sorcha16

ash23 wrote: »

And you are a chauvinist. "No I dont think its acceptable for anyone, never mind a woman, to get paraletic drunk every occasion they drink."

You went out in your 20s. You went on the beer with your mates and didn't come home til 8am? But you object to her doing the same? Why? Because she's 30? Because she's a woman? A mother?

Also, you sound like you nearly blame her for the rape. ..the rape was not HER fault. It was his. She could have been stone cold sober and met a charming man and allowed him to walk her to a taxi and been raped.

Wow, you need to calm down and dial back on the horrible accusations your ruthlessly flinging at someone who's looking for help.

I bet if the OP's girlfriend was here posting that he was stumbling about wasted and chatting up women every time he went out, you'd be telling her to kick him to the curb post haste.

I believe everyone is entitled to unwind and enjoy themselves but there's something more than a bit tragic about seeing a 30 year old mother falling around like a teenager. In fact, it's cringeworthy and I can guarantee that none of us would like our own partners to carry on like that

Big Bag of Chips

Sorcha16, welcome to RI. If you haven't read The Charter yet, please do so now. Replies should offer advice and be directed at the OP. Sometimes, of course, posters will disagree with each other - but it should always be done in the context of offering advice to the OP.

Not following the rules of the Forum can result in a loss of posting privileges to the Forum.

If you have an issue with Mod instruction please reply only using the PM function, and do not reply on thread. It is considered off-topic posting and in breach of the Forum Charter.

Thanks,
Big Bag of Chips

Da Shins Kelly

First of all, what exactly is "pathetic" or "immature" about a grown woman who likes to go out and have a good time and get drunk on occasion? She's her own person. If she wants to do that, and you admit that she doesn't do it every night or even every week, then what's the big deal? My 72 year old aunt still enjoys more than a little bit of wine on occasion and she's neither pathetic nor immature - in fact, she raised 9 children single-handedly. So, what exactly is the issue here? The fact that she's in her 30s? The fact that she's a mother? The fact that she's a woman? Or is the real issue just that you're insecure and don't trust her? If that's the real crux of the matter, then that's something you need to address within yourself and talk to her about. You never know what it is that she may be feeling too.

Sorcha16

OP, I am really sorry that another poster has accused you of blaming your girlfriend for her rape. Please ignore this hysterical and unfounded accusation and the apparent acceptance of saying such a thing within this forum, under the guise of offering 'advice'

Talk to your girlfriend about her inclination to get baked every time she drinks and explain how it makes you unhappy. In turn, listen to her response and try to reach a compromise with her that pleases you both

Big Bag of Chips

Sorcha16, warned for ignoring Mod action and Breach of Forum Charter.

It's an emotive topic folks, but keep it civil.

Regards,
Big Bag of Chips

Stavro Mueller

Realistically, the only way you can sort this is to sit down and have a very full frank discussion about this. If needs be, with the aid of a counselor. There seems to be a bit of baggage in this relationship but the one that's to the forefront here certainly needs tackling. Her drinking. You look like you've been dancing around this issue without ever actually properly tackling it. You're focusing your energies on this overnight trip and how it's immature, she's immature etc. which is somewhat wide of the mark.

The real issue here is that she doesn't seem capable of going out socializing without getting utterly smashed. That to me is ringing loud loud alarm bells. At any age, a person's inability to handle their drink and to call a halt is something of concern and you should be. It has nothing to do with her maturity at all. Has she ever tried to cut down on her drinking? Ever spoken about it?

Secondly, on the flirting...I think it's unacceptable behaviour if it bothers you. Flirting's only OK if the person's other half doesn't see the harm in it and sees it as a bit of harmless fun that's going nowhere. I don't think you are in that boat. Have you ever properly told her how you feel about it? I reckon that the longer this goes on without being dealt with properly, the more it will eat at you.

sadiesway

I'm on your side op. I'm in my early thirties and happily married. My husband has no major interest in alcohol tho he's no saint and does get drunk occasionally. He's a nice drunk in that he's funny and probably more affectionate. I on the other hand went thought a period where whenever there was a big nite out I'd get totally wasted and drink way above my tolerance level. It brought out a nasty streak in me and on more than one occasion I stuck into my husband verbally and really upset him. I wouldn't even remember it the next day or have cringeworthy flashbacks. He's a pretty easy going guy but the last time he told me he'd had it with me and that drink just didn't suit me. I was so embarrassed and also felt at my age I should know my limits. Because I love him I listened and now moderate my alcohol intake. He's happier and isn't worried about what state I'm going to get myself in on a night out. It's about mutual respect really.

FrogMarch

Wow. A pretty unfair backlash against the OP here.

Flirting excessively with other men in front of your partner is completely unacceptable. No wonder there are so many resultant trust issues.

Yes, perhaps there's previous baggage in the relationship and maybe she even feels unloved or neglected at this moment in time - although that's just me speculating. However a right-minded person wouldn't react to this by flirting excessively with members of the opposite sex.

OP - you need to ask yourself if this is something you can continue to live with.

Ickle Magoo

As OP has shown they want to disengage with this thread by closing their a/c, I'm locking the thread.

All the very best OP.