I like the new girl but what do i do now

LegacyUser

Hi all. Im a 26 year old guy and I started back to college lately and filtered into a new course for the degree year. A girl transferred from another college recently to my course and i have to say we hit it off reasonably well the first week and chatted a bit. I admit found her really attractive and would like to get to know her more.

The rest of my class who are mostly girls round 19 or 20 barring two guys same age have been together the last two years and apart from one or two individual small talk conversations during the last week with one or two of them where ive gotten on reasonably well i feel that collectively as a group though i feel im not fitting in and im left out in the cold yet the new girl seems to have integrated to this group and i suppose i feel its harder to get to know her now that she is integrated and im not.

She is a pretty cool girl and is so confident and makes the effort with everyone whereas i find it hard to engage with the rest because i suppose im a bit quiet and reserved and i find it easier to engage with an individual then a big group. Im not shy or anything and would talk to people willingly but find it hard to make the first move. On top of everything there is one or two guys in the group that are closer to her age that i fear they could possibly get in there before me

i really like this girl. She is so genuine and friendly on top of being absolutely gorgeous and as far as i know she is single but im in a dilemma whether to play the waiting game and gradually talk to her here and there before making a move or should i get my act together now and be more proactive? My big fear is if i wait i could lose out whereas if i act and get knocked back it could be an awkward 8 months ahead so its a dilemma really. There is not alot of people on our course.

Lorna123

"Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread". I would not rush into asking this girl out if I were you. I feel it is best to play it cool until you find out a bit more about her. It doesn't matter if other guys are more her age group, other guys are not you. Just be pleasant around her and chatty and you wil get the vibes whether she is into you or not. If I were you I would wait to get these vibes before taking action. Just play it by ear for the time being. You will get plenty of opportunities for asking her out if you feel she likes you too. Wait and see would be my advice at this stage.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

"Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread". I would not rush into asking this girl out if I were you. I feel it is best to play it cool until you find out a bit more about her. It doesn't matter if other guys are more her age group, other guys are not you. Just be pleasant around her and chatty and you wil get the vibes whether she is into you or not. If I were you I would wait to get these vibes before taking action. Just play it by ear for the time being. You will get plenty of opportunities for asking her out if you feel she likes you too. Wait and see would be my advice at this stage.

Cant argue with that advice really and look i dont know her that long in fairness. Thing about me is and im not blowing my own trumpet here but ive been told I look very young for my age. Is age a big issue for a girl? I mean would a 20 year old girl be put off by a man in his late twenties for example?

LegacyUser

I don't want to be negative, but my advice would be to NEVER date someone on your course. Unless you were dating before you began, I think it's a terrible idea. Especially so early in the year. If you still feel the same way in April, then see what can happen, but I'd strongly advise not doing anything now.

I'm not saying you'll be knocked back or anything! I just think that if the relationship ends badly, it's too much of a risk to jeopardise your academics. Particularly in a small course where the likelihood is everyone will find out your business one way or another. On that note, if you do start something, I'd recommend keeping it outside college hours and don't make a big public deal of it.

LegacyUser

businessvspleasure wrote: »

I don't want to be negative, but my advice would be to NEVER date someone on your course. Unless you were dating before you began, I think it's a terrible idea. Especially so early in the year. If you still feel the same way in April, then see what can happen, but I'd strongly advise not doing anything now.

I'm not saying you'll be knocked back or anything! I just think that if the relationship ends badly, it's too much of a risk to jeopardise your academics. Particularly in a small course where the likelihood is everyone will find out your business one way or another. On that note, if you do start something, I'd recommend keeping it outside college hours and don't make a big public deal of it.

Your essentially right. Its definately a drawback the fact we do the same course. I consider myself a private person. I dont do FB, etc and value my privacy.

However, there is just something about her that has me drawn to her. I definitely want to find out more about her. I suppose she is my type, classy, confident, down to earth. I think it is a good idea to wait but then the flipside of that perhaps is that there are those who wont wait around and ive been on the sideline before. That all said though waiting at this point in time would indeed be wiser then diving in.

LegacyUser

Hi its me again.

Just to give an update on things. The situation is not great in terms of getting to know her more. I haven't made any progress whatsoever since September and to be honest I really like her as she seems a witty spontaneous sort of girl but I completely feel invisible to her at this stage.

Apart from the odd hello when passing her in the halls i haven't really got a chance to speak to her much which is a shame because we got on really well the first 2 weeks. I hope i havent done anything to offend her and i tbh cant recall doing so.

There is more of a group dynamic amongst the people in our course and she is fairly integrated into the group. I on the other hand find it easier to get to know people on more of an individual basis beforehand before integrating into a group. I made one or two efforts of small talk to the group as a whole but I feel there is a bit of closed body language coming from one or two of the others in the group so i'm not too encouraged by that tbh.

On an individual level i get on with most people but i never get to talk to her and i suppose its fair to say im a little downhearted about it. Id be more then happy to take my time getting to know her before taking any further step as i dont want to create this huge barrier in such an important academic year.

I have friends in my course (its a small course) but i talk to them more individually or at least in groups of 2 or 3 but it seems i cant get a chance to talk to her individually whatsoever as she is always in this group of 6 or 7 people having the craic and i feel sort of isolated from the rest of the class on the outside looking in.

On top of that she is always having friendly banter with one of the guys in my class who is around 6 years younger then her and i know i shouldnt be jealous but i just wish i could have that sort of craic with her. Its bad enough liking this girl and being frozen out but i may also have to witness her get together with this lad in front of my eyes. Im in my late 20s and this sh*t just shouldnt bother me but it does.

I found out she is actually similar age too so it would be nice to have someone the same age to talk to if anything but i honestly am stumped what to do. People have suggested to me to make friends with the group....I mean do i really have to make friends with a whole bloody group of people just to make friends with 1 girl? i just wish it was that simple but there is a definate bad atmosphere with me and one or two of the younger girls around 19/20

Does anyone have any ideas?

simply simple

the_next_move wrote: »

Hi its me again.

Just to give an update on things. The situation is not great in terms of getting to know her more. I haven't made any progress whatsoever since September and to be honest I really like her as she seems a witty spontaneous sort of girl but I completely feel invisible to her at this stage.

Apart from the odd hello when passing her in the halls i haven't really got a chance to speak to her much which is a shame because we got on really well the first 2 weeks. I hope i havent done anything to offend her and i tbh cant recall doing so.

There is more of a group dynamic amongst the people in our course and she is fairly integrated into the group. I on the other hand find it easier to get to know people on more of an individual basis beforehand before integrating into a group. I made one or two efforts of small talk to the group as a whole but I feel there is a bit of closed body language coming from one or two of the others in the group so i'm not too encouraged by that tbh.

On an individual level i get on with most people but i never get to talk to her and i suppose its fair to say im a little downhearted about it. Id be more then happy to take my time getting to know her before taking any further step as i dont want to create this huge barrier in such an important academic year.

I have friends in my course (its a small course) but i talk to them more individually or at least in groups of 2 or 3 but it seems i cant get a chance to talk to her individually whatsoever as she is always in this group of 6 or 7 people having the craic and i feel sort of isolated from the rest of the class on the outside looking in.

On top of that she is always having friendly banter with one of the guys in my class who is around 6 years younger then her and i know i shouldnt be jealous but i just wish i could have that sort of craic with her. Its bad enough liking this girl and being frozen out but i may also have to witness her get together with this lad in front of my eyes. Im in my late 20s and this sh*t just shouldnt bother me but it does.

I found out she is actually similar age too so it would be nice to have someone the same age to talk to if anything but i honestly am stumped what to do. People have suggested to me to make friends with the group....I mean do i really have to make friends with a whole bloody group of people just to make friends with 1 girl? i just wish it was that simple but there is a definate bad atmosphere with me and one or two of the younger girls around 19/20

Does anyone have any ideas?

Is she just friendly with the other guy or anything more than that is happening? the reason I ask it is that if she is just friendly with this guy with whom she is getting on well may be she is not at all looking for relationships, may be she is not single, may be she is committed to someone else? may be she is your type but you are not her types- she may be interested in more outspoken guys if she is more than friendly with the other one.
U said u got on well for 2 weeks, what happened then? out of sight out of mind? or may be she got the smell of ur emotions so she might have intentionally tried to avoid u, otherwise if she is having a craic with all and u got on well 2 weeks she would atleast be friendly with u or exchange just regular talks like how are u, discussing ur lectures, projects etc, some comments like that.. do u get me :rolleyes:
U are more comfortable one to one and may be thats how u may have approached her as well and might have sound too clingy to her?
try to answer these questions and may be u will get a clear answer personally I would suggest never get involved with any one on ur course, leave it untill the end of it atleast if you really like them and looking forward for any relationship with them.

LegacyUser

To be honest simply simple its hard to tell where anyone is at. I honestly don't know how i project myself to the rest of the world. I have various experiences but in this case its someone i meet on a daily basis so i am treating it with extra care, maybe overthinking things.

Am i coming across as too stand offish or too needy, too shy, maybe nervous? i honestly don't know and that probably comes from trying so hard to hide what im thinking about someone that maybe i project myself as one or the other or even both.

Im in a new dynamic and i am only finding my feet. Some people make a seamless transition and some people dont and i guess im one of the latter. The other chap has been with the same group since 1st year and ive only joined a few weeks ago. As you know norms can be difficult to break in dynamics. I do see what your getting at and its my biggest fear but to be honest i dont know how im coming across to anyone. I find it easier to get to know an individual first and can get overawed when the eyes of a group is on me. I maybe think about it too much. I did get bullied when i was young and it has had impact on my life. A big fear has grown from the experience.

On some occasions i can take on the world and make people laugh yet in others i fade into the background.

I honestly have no bother talking to women generally and i do get attention of girls but the confidence in those situations come normally in an environment where i have less to lose. I can walk away either with the girl or without having to see her again.

Im picking up a bit of flirting but nothing more then that with the other guy. He is a nice guy in fairness and made an effort with me when i started and i get on well with him. He is im his comfort zone i suppose whereas im not. I suppose i do worry how the people i interact with every day perceive me.

I think she is more integrated into this group dynamic now and fair play to her she made the effort. She got to know one mature student and got integrated from there whereas im interacting in dribs and drabs with the rest. I find some of them hard work maybe its the age thing i dunno.

Rejection doesn't faze me to be honest its more the potential gossip afterwards that i may have to face and maybe further isolation.

I do see the point you are making with regards dating someone in my course but the other side of that is that ill end up kicking myself if i dont do something. Of course i dont want to do anything foolish either. Its a dilemma.

The short term goal is too get to know her and i feel that ill have to overcome fears and obstacles. Its a bit scary I am trying though.

Aseth

I think you are over-analyzing the whole thing.
You are on the same course. What's stopping you to go over to her, ask her how she is and ask about assignment or lecture or whatever course related? You are not proposing so stop worrying so much. Ask her something neutral, that should be simple enough.
And I really don't get all those weird rules like don't date people in your own course? :rolleyes:
You could for example say out loud at the end of the week sth like: who fancies a pint? Or ask someone else in the group, someone more confident to ask the same question if you don't think you can do that. With a bit of luck a group of people would say yes and she might be among them. Worst case scenario you will get to know people in your group a little bit better.

RossFixxxed

Being out of your comfort zone is a great place to be. You can't rely on the old habbits that are not working for you in this situation.

You've gotta choose to do something, or just sit back and potentially watch the other guy make his move.

As the above poster said you are really over analysing this to bits! You are going around in cycles in your head. We've all done it, but I'm pretty sure most people that do this end up regretting making a decision or taking some kind of action.

You're in a situation where you feel like you are on the back foot. Time for you to take charge man! Find an excuse to get chatting and go for it.


This might not be a popular point: so what if the other guy is nice or friendly or whatever? Screw him, if you want to ask her out and cut him off you go for it! Don't let something like that stand in your way or you'll never get anywhere. What makes him more deserving? Well he's making an effort and getting to know her etc, so he has that edge, but now is your chance to get competitive!