Unsure of what to do now (like friend)

Kaifrop

Hi

Couldn't post anonymously for some reason so I set up a new account. Sorry for the long post, but I'd appreciate if you read it!

I moved abroad and joined a company in June as part of work experience for my degree for 8 months. Another girl joined the same day but she is here for a year. We are both Irish and there is a good group of irish people our age in the company too so we all hang out together pretty much all the time.

Within the first few weeks, we hooked up one drunken night in a club and went back to hers after but there was only kissing. I didn't really have feelings for her before that, but afterwards I began to think about her a lot. We said straight away that nothing would be awkward between us at all and it hasn't been.

So the next few weeks we got friendlier naturally and obviously spent a lot of time together. We work in the same office at work, we have lunch together and hang out in the evenings a lot too (not just the 2 of us).

So about a month later we got together again after a night out and again it was kinda drunken night. Things were grand after that. We never really talked about what we were doing. Now I was wondering what I should do next, if I should ask her out or not. We are good friends and was wondering if she said no would our friendship break down a bit. So I decided to wait it out a bit more and just see what happens.

So about a month ago, we were out and the 2 of us ditched our friends and went off by ourselves to other pubs. We had a few drinks and good chats etc and that night we got together again but it was a bit more serious this time. We went back to hers after and did more than we previously had done.

So a few days later I asked her out and she said yes. Before the date we agreed that we wouldn't get serious if anything happened as I only have a few months until I go home. We had a great date and went back to hers and slept together properly

Now I haven't asked her out since due to a few reasons. She was away for a while, and then i was away for a while, she had friends over and then i had visitors as well after that. So that was over the course of about 2 weeks. Even though we saw eachother at work I didn't want to ask her out in work. And as we see eachother quite a bit I didn't want to text her to ask her out either. So nothing has really happened since.

So yesterday we were having a few drinks after work with work colleagues. Now herself and another guy ended up kissing and obviously I got a bit upset (I didn't react or anything) and am feeling quite ****ty now and don't know what to do. Now I know that there was nothing official between us and we said that it would be casual but I'm wondering if I have left it too long to ask her out again (even though things got in the way)?

I plan on having a chat with her and asking what the story is between us.

Overheal

I'm in a similar situation.. it's not always appropriate to bring things up at work. Texting is perfectly fine in the circumstances.

I'd say a week would have been the end of the stretch; after two, she'd have to have been going out of her fricken mind wondering what was going on. Depends on the girl though, doesn't it? She after all didn't initiate contact either.

It's all already happened now though. I would try and text her or something, otherwise arrange to have a private meet-up with her to straighten everything up. IME even if the answer you get is not the one you want to hear, it's a thousand times better than no answer at all.

HeyThereDeliah

Talk to her she is probably feeling the same as you, you left it a bit long but she could have txt you also. Her kissing the other guy is probably a mistake on her side and maybe she wanted to see how you would react.

Carriexx

You didn't contact her privately for 2 weeks, why shouldn't she have gone off with that guy. If I was her I would have thought you weren't interested

Kaifrop

Carriexx wrote: »

You didn't contact her privately for 2 weeks, why shouldn't she have gone off with that guy. If I was her I would have thought you weren't interested

I didn't say she shouldn't have gone off with that guy, it's why I didn't react.

We were out on Saturday and I jokingly brought up that I couldn't believe she was cheating on me, she then mentioned we should have a chat about it. But we were quite drunk at the time and I said we should talk about it sober. I'm going to ask her today if she wants to grab a coffee or a bite to eat after work.

Thanks for all the advice, I suppose it does look kinda bad on my part that when I did end up sleeping with her that it looks like I cut contact. I've just never been in this position before and a bit nervous about it all!

Kaifrop

Hi guys,

I'm back and need some more advice. My head is half wrecked over it.

I'll try and update what has happened since my last post. Let's call the girl Mary.

Mary and I met up for coffee and discussed things, we came to the conclusion that we shouldn't keep doing what we were doing and not to have any awkwardness between us. That was fine, even though I liked her a lot I could move on. The next night a group of us went out. I didn't really talk to her that night and was trying to move on a bit so I was chatting up other girls...I went to get a drink and Mary was there, I jokingly said to her that we need to chat (poking fun at what I did earlier in the week), but she took me by the arm and sat me down and we were chatting for a bit and then she went to kiss me, I was a bit taken a back and didn't fully commit and she then apologized and said she shouldn't be doing it. I then kissed her back and for the rest of the night we were with eachother. However, that night something changed. She told me something huge that happened in her life and only 2 other people knew about this as they were directly involved. So obviously she had a lot of trust in me. Anyways that night we ended up staying the night together.

For the next few weeks we would hook up when we were out. A bit more intimate than before and our friends started poking fun at us saying we should be a couple and all that. As time went on (now in December) we obviously got a lot closer but still no mention of anything solid relationship-wise. So at the beginning of December we were at a gig and you could say emotions were running high. On the way home she said she wanted to have a chat with me. She told me that she really liked me and i said the same back. We decided on a few rules like not to be couply around friends and stuff and not to label the relationship. I was fine with all this and I had 2 months left in the country before I had to go home.

For them 2 months we spent a lot of time together and slept together most nights for the 2 months. So you could say we were effectively seeing each other. The thing is, we never really talked about it. I had planned to bring it up before I left but just didn't have the balls to do it, I was just too scared something negative would happen and would ruin my mood as my final weekend there we had so much fun just being with each other.

Now I've been home for a couple of weeks now and I've been really down a lot of the time. I miss all the friends i made, the place and obviously her. We text eachother and IM eachother pretty much every day but some days it lacks, or sometimes I feel im initiating stuff all the time. I'm probably just overthinking things as I feel a bit insecure as nothing was ever "official". I've also been thinking a lot about the future, for the forseeable we won't be in the same country until later in the year and even then we'll be a couple of hours away from each other. Then after college I have a job in the other country so god knows what is gonna happen then.

I'm going to visit in a couple of weeks so I'm wondering what I should do? I do plan on talking to her about it all (it's about time we did!). I really want to be with this girl and could deal with doing a long distance thing. Or would it be better to "end" it now and maybe in a few years time if our paths cross to try again.

Sorry if it's a bit long and a bit of a mess but I'd appreciate some advice!

cookiexx

This lack of communication between you two is going to kill the entire thing.

You basically need to know, yes or no, does she want to be with you.

It's as straightforward as that and there's no way of dressing it up or down to make it sound less blunt. You already know what your answer is, why doesn't she know her answer?

Honestly, long distance relationships are bloody hard work, hell even the healthiest relationships where you see the person every day aren't a walk in the park, so I'd be doubtful about both of your abilities to sustain one if you weren't even able to effectively communicate when you were under the same roof.

You want her, so tell her this. Don't wait two weeks or wait until it's convenient (I.E you're both pIssed) or second guess her actions or wait for her to meet someone else - because she will meet someone else. There's nothing I hate more, or that repels me more, in a guy than a lack of balls. If someone isn't able to verbalize their feelings and intentions it's immediate alarm bells for me that he might not have the maturity to commit to an adult relationship.

Just. Bloody. Tell. Her.

Kaifrop

Thanks for the reply cookie.

Well I rang her today and we discussed things. As I'm going over soon we were talking about what to expect when I go over. She was saying that I should come over "as a friend". I told her I still liked her and asked her if she still liked me. She said she wasn't sure. She said that she had tried to move on quickly as she knew that I wasn't around anymore.

For the past week or so I've pretty much accepted that nothing will come of it and there's no point trying to "continue" anything so I've kinda been preparing for this. However I wasn't really expecting to be seen as just a friend when I go back over. It's only been 6 weeks since we in the airport kissing goodbye and nothing bad or nasty has happened between us since then. What do you guys think? I'm finding it difficult how someone can move on so quickly.

We agreed we'll play it by ear and just see what happens when I'm over.

ManOfMystery

I think you still need to follow cookie's advice above. You two really need to have a serious chat face-to-face when you're over to see her.

If you don't, I imagine this situation will just drag on as it has been. You'll go over to see her, you'll probably go out, end up kissing and having a good time, and you won't want to talk seriously as it will : ruin the moment/you're not sober/you're hungover/delete as applicable. And then you'll be back home asking the same question again : how exactly do things stand?

Her saying she 'isn't sure' isn't really good enough. If she wants to be just friends, she needs to make that 100% clear.

Lorna123

I agree with ManOfMystery. This girl's reply is just not good enough. You have to let her know that you are not prepared to continue sleeping with her unless you are both in a relationship. I think this is the least she could agree on at this stage. So if she doesn't want a relationship after all this time then just forget her.

kjl

You left it too long between dates and even bringing it up.

She probably was testing you with the guy and you didn't even flinch. You need to tell he how you feel about her, it's clear you both like each other but you both seem scared of giving it a go. Stop making excuses about how long it will last, just see how it goes for now and stop worrying about that.

Brego888

kjl wrote: »

You left it too long between dates and even bringing it up.

She probably was testing you with the guy and you didn't even flinch. You need to tell he how you feel about her, it's clear you both like each other but you both seem scared of giving it a go. Stop making excuses about how long it will last, just see how it goes for now and stop worrying about that.

Are you giving current advice or 6 month old advice?

OP, my 2 cents. As others have said you need to sit down and have a serious honest talk about what you both want.
But honestly judging by your description it seems like this is one you'll need to let go

beks101

This "not sure what she wants" and iffyness about the whole situation just screams 'not interested' to me tbh.

Maybe initially she was and got exasperated with your lack of effort, or maybe she's been "not sure" all along; either way, it doesn't really make a difference. You shouldn't want to be with someone who can't make up their mind as to whether or not they like you enough to be in a relationship with you - it's a yes or no answer really. If she liked you, there'd be no doubt in her mind.

I know it sucks OP, and it's so hard to separate your feelings from the facts of the situation. But she's not interested and she's not bothered enough to even effectively communicate that with you.

I'm speaking from experience when I say that you have a lot to lose if you persist in this situation. Move on.