Life Changing Mistakes

LegacyUser

Hi All,

This time last year I was engaged to be married and blissfully happy. I had met my fiance roughly 7 years previously and we were in love and ridiculously close. I proposed, she accepted and we made plans to get married. That was due to happen in summer in 2012 but never did.

Around this time last year i began to get closer to a girl I work with. She was younger than me but paid me attention and flirted with me a lot. In December last year i finally admitted to myself i had feelings for this girl and i told her this too. She told me not to be stupid and to go back to my fiance as she didnt want a relationship with me.

In the background my lack of interest in wedding planning and our relationship in general led to arguments amongst me and my fiance and things became not so good between us. In the lead up to christmas (last year) and just after, me and the girl from work began spending more and more time together in work and out of work - talking about my troubles with my fiance and me telling her that i fancied her (girl from work). Upon asking this girl if there was ever a future for us - she couldnt answer me straight. She couldnt say yes or no either way. I connected with her in a way i had never connected with anyone before. We had similar interests, we finished each other sentences. We just got each other, and she was incredibly attractive. I kind of figured this gamble might be worth taking.

I approached my fiance in January and disclosed to her i wasnt sure about the wedding and wanted to be sure we wanted the same things. She moved out at once and our split began. I was upset and she was utterly distraught. My heart wasnt in the relationship anymore at the time and i turned to the girl from work for sympathy and support. We spent even more time together and got even closer than before. We never were actually properly together but came close a couple of times. In a way, i wasnt as sad about the split from my fiance as i should have been because i was distracted spending time with this girl.

My fiance meanwhile was in deeply depressed state and moved out of our shared apt. She tried for some weeks to work things out with me but i was in a state of denial about the whole thing. Finally one night she found out about the other girl and stated she never wanted anything to do with me again. I was of course upset and was confused about how i felt. I loved my fiance so much and we shared so much through our years together. She was my best friend and i missed her. On the other hand i really liked the excitement of the chase of the girl from work. Finally girl from work admits that she is not sure if she could ever really fancy me and slowly she loses interest. At the same time my fiance decides she should move on with her life and stop waiting for me to make up my mind about what i wanted. She needed to take control in her life once and for all. I had told her that i wouldnt get back with her unless i was 100%.

Me and the girl from work stopped spending as much time together as we had. She took interest in another guy and our contact rapidly declined. Me being alone a lot finally made me see the errors of my ways. I had actually ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me. Through the stupidity of chasing another girl i had let slip the thing i held most precious to me.

I finally went back to my fiance begging 4 weeks after she last told me she would wait for me to make up my mind and she broke my heart by telling me she had moved on and i should do the same. This was in the early summer and i have cried pretty much constantly since then. I love my fiance, realise i made a massive mistake and would do anything to get her back. I have tried everything with her but she has refused and asked me to stop contacting her so she can move on with her life. I know she still loves me as i do her. It just hurts so much at the moment. I am sort of at a loss as to what to do. I dont want to continue harassing her to meet me and talk about us but i dont want to lose the girl that i want to spend my life with either. I cannot even picture a future with someone else at the moment.

I realise i broke her heart in a massive way and i made a huge mistake and it kills me to see how upset i made her. I am hurting really bad right now because all i want to try and do is go back to where we were this time last year. I now see how stupid i was chasing this girl but nothing really ever happened between us and i now know it would never have worked between us. Me and my fiance had plans and dreams for the future but they are all gone now. I worry i have ruined her life because she has just entered her early thirties and wanted to have children this year or next. I just cannot understand how she can turn her back on us completely given all we have been through. Even when we initially split I always told her that i loved her and just needed time to think about what i want and sort my head out. I never ever told her i wanted to break up.

It is almost ten months since we split and it seems rawer now than it ever has. Have pretty much cried constantly since i got home from work this evening thinking about everything. Everywhere i go seems to remind me of her. Places we have been together haunt me, songs on the radio all seem to relate to her. It is just hard to escape us. She is the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep and the first thing on it when i wake up. We own an apt together too and this complicates things. All i want is the pain to go away and for us to be back together again but she wont meet me to talk. I am honestly at my wits end with crying and pain. It isnt getting any easier.

Anyone got a time machine i can borrow??

Is this mistake going to define my life?

I know i have messed up but would like to see if there is any way anyone thinks we can be saved?

Sorry for the rambling post

Independent12

Hi OP
I couldn't not reply to your post.
Of course some people may come on here and slate you for chasing another woman while you were spoken for etc. etc.
But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason - even though I know it doesn't seem that way at the moment.
I went through a huge break up around 10 months ago and understand alot of what you say.
Things can't have been right between you and your fiance if you got close to some one else. There had to be something lacking in your relationship.
Can you try to think in a more balanced way? I know there is a huge tendency to look at the lost relationship through rose tinted glasses....

movingsucks

I connected with her in a way i had never connected with anyone before. We had similar interests, we finished each other sentences. We just got each other, and she was incredibly attractive. I kind of figured this gamble might be worth taking.

My heart wasnt in the relationship anymore at the time

These two things jump out at me. If the other Girl had been up for it and you'd had a relationship would you be thinking of your ex right now?
You learned the grass wasn't greener and that's a tough lesson but maybe your ex wasn't the right person for you?
I think you need to move on and find someone new, someone who fulfils your needs, who you connect with.
Not right away, time alone to focus on yourself is needed too.
I don't think you and your ex can go back I'm sorry, she was planning a wedding with you, you were chasing another younger girl. She probably spent days and nights agonizing over what went wrong and what she could've done differently. Even if you did get back together there would be so much hurt there I don't think either of you would be the same people you were before.
Best of luck to you whatever happens

Ellsbells

Yeah I agree if the other girl were interested then you would not be posting now. I think you are confusing your desire not to be alone with your desire to be with your ex. You screwed her over. Let her go to meet someone who won't. Karma is a bitch...,

LegacyUser

Independent12 wrote: »

Hi OP
I couldn't not reply to your post.
Of course some people may come on here and slate you for chasing another woman while you were spoken for etc. etc.
But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason - even though I know it doesn't seem that way at the moment.
I went through a huge break up around 10 months ago and understand alot of what you say.
Things can't have been right between you and your fiance if you got close to some one else. There had to be something lacking in your relationship.
Can you try to think in a more balanced way? I know there is a huge tendency to look at the lost relationship through rose tinted glasses....

They would be entitled to slate me. I made a huge mistake, hurt somebody i cared most in the world about and deserve any negative comments. I just wish i hadn't made that mistake.

To be philosophical about it, i agree that maybe things happen for a reason. As you said though it just doesn't feel like it right now.

We were going through a rocky patch and instead of communicating and working our way through it I looked for another way. I have learned lessons from this but through the hardest method possible. I know we could have fixed it. Thanks for the comments though.

LegacyUser

movingsucks wrote: »

These two things jump out at me. If the other Girl had been up for it and you'd had a relationship would you be thinking of your ex right now?
You learned the grass wasn't greener and that's a tough lesson but maybe your ex wasn't the right person for you?
I think you need to move on and find someone new, someone who fulfils your needs, who you connect with.
Not right away, time alone to focus on yourself is needed too.
I don't think you and your ex can go back I'm sorry, she was planning a wedding with you, you were chasing another younger girl. She probably spent days and nights agonizing over what went wrong and what she could've done differently. Even if you did get back together there would be so much hurt there I don't think either of you would be the same people you were before.
Best of luck to you whatever happens

I would still be thinking of her definitely. You cannot spend that amount of time with someone you love and just switch off feelings for them and thoughts about them. I think you might be right and that she would find it almost impossible to ever trust me again.

95% of our time together was bliss - we never really had a big argument or fight - it was just those few months that killed us which is hard to also take. Thanks for your comments and kind wishes. I know this is a how long is a string sort of question but how long can people take to get over the special person in their life. After ten months i feel nowhere near even being able to consider a future without my ex

Ellsbells - i agree - karma has taken a big bite sized chunk outta my arse.

Calhoun

someonebuildmeatimemachine wrote: »

They would be entitled to slate me. I made a huge mistake, hurt somebody i cared most in the world about and deserve any negative comments. I just wish i hadn't made that mistake.

To be philosophical about it, i agree that maybe things happen for a reason. As you said though it just doesn't feel like it right now.

We were going through a rocky patch and instead of communicating and working our way through it I looked for another way. I have learned lessons from this but through the hardest method possible. I know we could have fixed it. Thanks for the comments though.

Do you really understand what you did though? or are you only thinking about yourself?

I just cannot understand how she can turn her back on us completely given all we have been through. Even when we initially split I always told her that i loved her and just needed time to think about what i want and sort my head out. I never ever told her i wanted to break up.

This bit stands out for me in your post, it makes me think that you don't understand the gravity of the situation you put her in. You broke up around January due to be married in the summer, so 6 est months before the wedding you pull this stuff out of the bag.

Could you imagine how hurt, humiliated and confused she was? and then she finds out about the other woman. How would you handle this if this was in reverse?

I think you need to accept your mistake, own it and move forward. You messed up and learned a very hard lesson in the process, move on with your life and let your ex be.

Ellsbells

You are not addressing the point - if the other girl wanted you then you would not be thinking of your ex now.

LegacyUser

Calhoun wrote: »

Do you really understand what you did though? or are you only thinking about yourself?

This bit stands out for me in your post, it makes me think that you don't understand the gravity of the situation you put her in. You broke up around January due to be married in the summer, so 6 est months before the wedding you pull this stuff out of the bag.

Could you imagine how hurt, humiliated and confused she was? and then she finds out about the other woman. How would you handle this if this was in reverse?

I think you need to accept your mistake, own it and move forward. You messed up and learned a very hard lesson in the process, move on with your life and let your ex be.

Believe me Calhoun - i know only too well what i have done. Read above - i think about what i have done to her constantly and hate myself for having done this to her. If i could undo everything i would. If i could wish anything and i truly mean this it would be for her to be happier in the future than i could have ever made her.

I am sad and upset but nothing compared to how she was.

I just wish none of it happened and we had got married.

Ellsbells - i would always have thought of her. Maybe not quite as much as i am now but even when i was spending lots of time with the other girl i would regularly break down and be sad about what i had done to her. It is something i will regret for the rest of my life regardless of what the future holds for both of us.

LegacyUser

If things were as good between you as you told us you should have been happy planning your wedding day and making plans for the future after this. You think that you ex should come back to you after the way you treated her. You expect that you will go back to you being a couple living in the apt you both own. Your ex has told you to move on with your life as she is moving on with hers. She is in her early 30's and was not in a position to wait for you to decide what you wanted.

It is now time for you to grow up and move on from this situation. You need to spend some time on your own and decide what you now want from your life. If you meet some one in the future you need to realise what you have. You need to be honest if you want a casual relationship or if you really want marriage/kids.

One of my friends was due to get married and he called it off a few weeks before hand.
She was upset but moved on with her life. She meet another man and within a few months
of them meeting up they know it was a serious relationship. They got married a little over 2 years after meeting.
At this stage you can stay as your are or you can realise that perhaps your relationship ended when it did because you were not ready for marriage.

thefeatheredcat

someonebuildmeatimemachine wrote: »

All i want is the pain to go away and for us to be back together again but she wont meet me to talk. I am honestly at my wits end with crying and pain. It isnt getting any easier.

You weren't thinking of her when you made what you now call, a mistake. You were thinking of you. You are still thinking of you. You need to think about her, think of her and put her first right now in letting her go and respecting her wishes and then think about you. And put yourself first then in giving yourself time and feel all that emotion and let it out. Blame and guilt are horrible things to feel, and I doubt that someone who loved you enough to marry you would want you to suffer and lose out in life or go through what she went through.

She doesn't have to meet you to talk. You had the chance when no doubt she swallowed her pride and wanted to talk with you while you were happily distracted on cloud 9 and ignoring your fiance and her needs.

No doubt she went through hell....but stop for a second and look at this rationally.... what are you really achieving here? Do you think it is helpful or healthy for her to have to deal with you being in pain which drags her back to the past, to a man who all but by formality left her and was nowhere to be seen in her time of need when she needed to talk? Is it going to help her or hinder her in life with you trying to make contact? It will help you certainly if she meets you to talk.... to unburden yourself. But what then? What's the plan after that?

There's no magic answer that anyone can give you but to accept that she has moved on and that you have no choice but to grieve.... no doubt your heart won't accept that and no doubt you probably will try whatever it takes to have her back within reason and yes it will be hard, but really acceptance will come in time.

Ask yourself are you both the same people in reality right now as the people you were when you proposed?

The only healthy advice I can offer is grieve the end of the relationship and learn from the mistake you made. Perhaps all in all, it was not a mistake, as already suggested and that there's something more out there for you....and perhaps, really, it is not your ex fiance that you long for, but that comfort and familiarity she offered in her love and the person that she used to be.

In time you probably will find that kind of love again.

I think perhaps rather than focusing on hating yourself you just need to grow and learn from it all.... No good really can come out of hating yourself in totality for what you did (it doesn't excuse what happened but you are holding yourself responsible and accountable to yourself over it all) so you will have to learn to as they say, release that burden and forgive yourself. She can't give that to you, you have to give that to yourself to like and love yourself for the person you are, mistake taken into account.

misterdarkness

someonebuildmeatimemachine wrote: »

Hi All,

This time last year I was engaged to be married and blissfully happy. I had met my fiance roughly 7 years previously and we were in love and ridiculously close. I proposed, she accepted and we made plans to get married. That was due to happen in summer in 2012 but never did.

Around this time last year i began to get closer to a girl I work with. She was younger than me but paid me attention and flirted with me a lot. In December last year i finally admitted to myself i had feelings for this girl and i told her this too. She told me not to be stupid and to go back to my fiance as she didnt want a relationship with me.

In the background my lack of interest in wedding planning and our relationship in general led to arguments amongst me and my fiance and things became not so good between us. In the lead up to christmas (last year) and just after, me and the girl from work began spending more and more time together in work and out of work - talking about my troubles with my fiance and me telling her that i fancied her (girl from work). Upon asking this girl if there was ever a future for us - she couldnt answer me straight. She couldnt say yes or no either way. I connected with her in a way i had never connected with anyone before. We had similar interests, we finished each other sentences. We just got each other, and she was incredibly attractive. I kind of figured this gamble might be worth taking.

I approached my fiance in January and disclosed to her i wasnt sure about the wedding and wanted to be sure we wanted the same things. She moved out at once and our split began. I was upset and she was utterly distraught. My heart wasnt in the relationship anymore at the time and i turned to the girl from work for sympathy and support. We spent even more time together and got even closer than before. We never were actually properly together but came close a couple of times. In a way, i wasnt as sad about the split from my fiance as i should have been because i was distracted spending time with this girl.

My fiance meanwhile was in deeply depressed state and moved out of our shared apt. She tried for some weeks to work things out with me but i was in a state of denial about the whole thing. Finally one night she found out about the other girl and stated she never wanted anything to do with me again. I was of course upset and was confused about how i felt. I loved my fiance so much and we shared so much through our years together. She was my best friend and i missed her. On the other hand i really liked the excitement of the chase of the girl from work. Finally girl from work admits that she is not sure if she could ever really fancy me and slowly she loses interest. At the same time my fiance decides she should move on with her life and stop waiting for me to make up my mind about what i wanted. She needed to take control in her life once and for all. I had told her that i wouldnt get back with her unless i was 100%.

Me and the girl from work stopped spending as much time together as we had. She took interest in another guy and our contact rapidly declined. Me being alone a lot finally made me see the errors of my ways. I had actually ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me. Through the stupidity of chasing another girl i had let slip the thing i held most precious to me.

I finally went back to my fiance begging 4 weeks after she last told me she would wait for me to make up my mind and she broke my heart by telling me she had moved on and i should do the same. This was in the early summer and i have cried pretty much constantly since then. I love my fiance, realise i made a massive mistake and would do anything to get her back. I have tried everything with her but she has refused and asked me to stop contacting her so she can move on with her life. I know she still loves me as i do her. It just hurts so much at the moment. I am sort of at a loss as to what to do. I dont want to continue harassing her to meet me and talk about us but i dont want to lose the girl that i want to spend my life with either. I cannot even picture a future with someone else at the moment.

I realise i broke her heart in a massive way and i made a huge mistake and it kills me to see how upset i made her. I am hurting really bad right now because all i want to try and do is go back to where we were this time last year. I now see how stupid i was chasing this girl but nothing really ever happened between us and i now know it would never have worked between us. Me and my fiance had plans and dreams for the future but they are all gone now. I worry i have ruined her life because she has just entered her early thirties and wanted to have children this year or next. I just cannot understand how she can turn her back on us completely given all we have been through. Even when we initially split I always told her that i loved her and just needed time to think about what i want and sort my head out. I never ever told her i wanted to break up.

It is almost ten months since we split and it seems rawer now than it ever has. Have pretty much cried constantly since i got home from work this evening thinking about everything. Everywhere i go seems to remind me of her. Places we have been together haunt me, songs on the radio all seem to relate to her. It is just hard to escape us. She is the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep and the first thing on it when i wake up. We own an apt together too and this complicates things. All i want is the pain to go away and for us to be back together again but she wont meet me to talk. I am honestly at my wits end with crying and pain. It isnt getting any easier.

Anyone got a time machine i can borrow??

Is this mistake going to define my life?

I know i have messed up but would like to see if there is any way anyone thinks we can be saved?

Sorry for the rambling post

i feel for you and been there in my own way. was in 7 year relationship with a girl and it ended. i was so cut up about it for pretty much a year. yes i admit there was tears on my end. I had that and alot of other crap also go wrong in my life leading to being alone and being too broke to actually go out so i found myself alone with my thoughts which i thought would drive me mad.

but.... worked out some things in my life which has a sliver lining. still single mind you but found myself really really liking a girl i know now. hoping something might come of that maybe as ive not felt such attraction for a very very long time (not sure if its working both ways but will see) but my point is that eventually you do get over it. if things were not so good with your ex thats a sign really. i mean you want to go back i understand that so did i but just remember that the negative parts of it will resurface and will do so very fast. Maybe its something both of you could get over but you do look back in a rose tinted way and only see the good parts.

maybe you will get back and things will work out but if not then all i can say is in a month you wont feel better in two months you wont feel better you will still carry the pain but it will pass, for me took a year

Distorted

If your fiance had been right for you, you wouldn't have got bored. You chased this other girl and ended your relationships because of her, and it wasn't a short term blip in your long term relationship, but a long drawn out process. You are living under a bit of a fantasy to think your ex fiance would have waited around, on hold, for you in case this other relationship worked out. I don't think you appreciate how much you must have hurt and disappointed her, and how someone's feelings can change once you have treated someone like that. To your ex fiance, you are probably now seen as a very bad bet, unreliable, a bit flaky. Probably far too risky to spend any further time on.

That said, you haven't murdered anyone, relationships do break up and this one just doesn't seem to have provided you with everything you needed. If you got back together and got married, whos to say you wouldn't get bored again and turn into a married cheat or something? Better to give yourself the chance of meeting someone else, behave as decently as you can in the circumstances, and move on.

Neyite

In the nicest possible way OP, what makes you think you deserve to be given a second chance by your ex?

Look at it from her point of view - long term relationship with a long established trust thrown away for a bit of fluff. In lots of ways it would have been easier for her to understand you left her for someone who was special. Thats understandable, but to be left for someone that you sorta, kinda had a bit of a thing for, who maybe, sorta, kinda didnt in the end have a thing for you.

Add into that, a wedding pretty much planned, and quite possibly partially paid for. To have to ring up the venue and explain that you are cancelling. To cancel the order of the dream dress she tried on, to tell people that remembered she was engaged "em...well actually..no, we have no date set, emmm, we broke up...no, I dunno why..." I presume you were too busy with the girl from work to have helped her out with cancelling the florist, the car, the suit hire, the cake, the church, the honeymoon etc

Then she had to pack up the home that she shared with you for X amount of years and maybe stay with a friend until she got sorted, or her parents. I've been there- that really sucks.

When you say this:

Everywhere i go seems to remind me of her. Places we have been together haunt me, songs on the radio all seem to relate to her. It is just hard to escape us. She is the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep and the first thing on it when i wake up. We own an apt together too and this complicates things. All i want is the pain to go away

This is what YOU put her through 10 months ago. And back then, you didnt care. And she tried at the time to make sense of it all, offered you chances and you stomped all over her feelings. Now all she sees is the ex who put her through misery coming back because the other girl dumped him. So, to repeat the question what makes you think you deserve to be given a second chance by your ex? Whats not to say she begins to trust you and it all goes tits up for her again because another woman caught your eye?

I'm not unsympathetic to your pain here, but I do think that you have to accept that sometimes in life we dont get do-overs, and our actions sometimes have irreversible consequences. You will get over her - everyone gets over their broken heart at some point. The reason its so raw for you now is that you are just now experiencing the rejection - and I suspect that deep down you thought your ex would take you back, and you were hit for six when you realised she had moved on. Thats why it feels like a brand new breakup though you broke up 10 months ago. So in that sense, its early days for you in the breakup stakes.

AnnyHallsal

OP, I think you're allowing the pain you feel at the moment to cloud your judgement. I understand you believe this is a mistake that could be rectified by getting back together. That's possible but the decision is not yours to make. It's your ex-fiancee's.

As a lot of people seem to be saying, I'm not convinced that's the best path anyway. If things had gone well with the girl you would not be feeling as you are now. I think her loss of interest affected your ego and part of the reason you want to get back with your ex so badly is because you don't believe you'll meet someone else.

As others have said, think of your fiancee. Respect her enough to give her the space to decide what she wants to do with her life. If she wants to come back to you, she will. In the meantime focus on sorting yourself out, being happy by yourself.

Buncha Fives

Ellsbells wrote: »

I think you are confusing your desire not to be alone with your desire to be with your ex.

I think this sums it up best, at the time when you started to have feelings for the other girl you obviously thought long and hard about your situation and decided your desire for the new girl was stronger than your desire to stay in your relationship...as it turned out it was a gamble that didn't pay off but the fact that you found yourself in a situation where you doubted how you felt about your fiance probably tells you what you need to know.

I honestly think it is the company you miss rather than your ex... we have all been there, earlier in the summer I broke up with a girl who I had been with for only 6-7 months, she was nice in way but she really wasn't right for me. But I still think about her all the time purely because I haven't met anyone else who I click with. The lonliness is a killer and I doubt myself all the time that breaking up with her was the right thing to do, but at the time I thought about it long and hard and if it was the right decision at the time its still the right decision now and I think that is the way you should look at it too.

Forever Hopeful

OP,
I can relate to your post as I was the person the guy left his girlfriend for. Guy living with his long term girlfriend gets close to me and once he thought there might be something (I never was sure) he split up with her and she moved out.
I liked him but never fully trusted him. I got the impression that he was someone who was so used to having a partner, he didn't know how to be alone
I felt I was a replacement. Like you he didn't appear to be too upset as I was a distraction. That didn't sit well with me.
How can someone transfer feelings so fast? Be so familiar with someone new so fast? My only reasoning was that the relationship was dead for a long time.
I knew that he and I could only work if he spent time enjoying being a single guy but he didn't and went back to his ex.
I heard he is playing around with someone else now
Think about it...

beks101

Read Neyite's post again. That gives a good perspective on exactly what you put your ex-fiancee through and what you represent to her now.

Someone she loved and trusted most who hurt her in a way that she never thought you could. Somebody who let her down, abandoned her and showed absolutely no regard or respect for her feelings when she needed you most - and for the sake of what almost but didn't become a fling. You took a gamble on the woman you claim to love more than anything in the world, for the half-chance at something that never really sounded promising in the first place. You need to look deep and hard at yourself and understand why you did that.

To be blunt about it, you don't deserve a second chance. I wouldn't give you one if I was your ex and I'm pretty sure all her family and friends will be advising her to keep well away. You have lost her, because you threw her away without thinking about the repercussions of your actions, and now you're doing the very same thing again - dragging up the hurt and pain for her again because YOU want the relationship again.

It will probably be the most painful lesson of your life, but learn from this. And move on.

Penny Dreadful

someonebuildmeatimemachine wrote: »

Hi All,

II know she still loves me as i do her. It just hurts so much at the moment. I am sort of at a loss as to what to do. I dont want to continue harassing her to meet me and talk about us but i dont want to lose the girl that i want to spend my life with either.
I realise i broke her heart in a massive way and i made a huge mistake and it kills me to see how upset i made her.I just cannot understand how she can turn her back on us completely given all we have been through. Even when we initially split I always told her that i loved her and just needed time to think about what i want and sort my head out. I never ever told her i wanted to break up.

OP you willingly admit that you broke her heart. You also broke the trust she had in you and that is pretty much impossible to repair.
You put her through a horrible awful experience while you wanted to have your cake and eat it too.
It sounds as though your ex fiance has tried to move on and rebuild her life and most likely her self confidence and self belief too. She probably thinks it far too dangerous and risky to have anything to do with you again. Frankly I can't blame her.
You made a choice and it turns out to have been the wrong choice. All you can do now for your ex fiance, if you care for her as much as you say you do, is let her go, let her work to rebuild a life and some happiness for herself.
For yourself, chalk it up to experience, time will help you move on and help the hurt lessen. Remember it though for the future and it will help you appreciate what you have rather than thinking it can be better elsewhere with someone else.

YeahiKnow

Everyone else has basically said everything else that needed to be said here.

But an important thing, she told you it's over and told you to move on.
If you truly love her like you say you do, you'll accept her decision and will try to be happy for her. She made her decision now, you need to accept and respect that. If you won't let her move on with her life, that to me is just selfish, and not real love, but co-dependency. It could do you good to be on your own for a while, and to realize you don't need another person to make you happy.

Good luck.

curlzy

OP, see all the pain you're feeling right now? You deserve it. In fact you deserve double the pain you're feeling. You deserve to be lonely and to hate yourself. What you did you your ex was scummy scummy scummy behaviour. Saying all that, and I do mean it, and while you absolutely deserve it, you can turn it around. Use the pain to come out a better person than you were. From this horrible behaviour, I won't call it a mistake, a mistake is a misspelled word, not breaking your fiancee's heart to go chasing a young one on a whim, but from this dispicable behaviour and it's consequences you can make sure that you're never so disgustingly selfish again. Maybe when you really really really think about everything you put your fiancee through, maybe then you can come out of this as a better person. And then as a better person maybe you can find a good woman and be a decent man that she actually deserves. As Ellsbells said Karma'a a bitch. You can either wallow in self pity and blame your poor ex for not giving you another chance (clever girl & I wish her well). Or you can cop on, own your sh*tty behaviour and LEARN from it.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks everyone for all of the replies. Some of them are hard to read, some make perfect sense, some less so. All are appreciated though as its worthwhile getting such advice from strangers that are not emotionally involved in this and know neither of us.

To the people criticising me, please feel entitled to. I deserve all the bad karma i get and not a day goes by when i dont regret my actions. I didnt mean for any of this to happen and until you have been here ( i hope none of you ever are honestly) please dont judge. If I could make her heart happy again (with or without me) i would do it in a flash, no second thoughts. This is like a nightmare with no ending - although however bad for me it must be infinitely worse for her. Thanks for all the advice.

Who knows maybe it wasnt to be for a reason and there are greater loves for both of us out there yet.

Calhoun

someonebuildmeatimemachine wrote: »

OP here. Thanks everyone for all of the replies. Some of them are hard to read, some make perfect sense, some less so. All are appreciated though as its worthwhile getting such advice from strangers that are not emotionally involved in this and know neither of us.

To the people criticising me, please feel entitled to. I deserve all the bad karma i get and not a day goes by when i dont regret my actions. I didnt mean for any of this to happen and until you have been here ( i hope none of you ever are honestly) please dont judge. If I could make her heart happy again (with or without me) i would do it in a flash, no second thoughts. This is like a nightmare with no ending - although however bad for me it must be infinitely worse for her. Thanks for all the advice.

Who knows maybe it wasnt to be for a reason and there are greater loves for both of us out there yet.

I know allot of it is hard to take but i think in allot of cases what folks are trying to do is get you to see you need to move on. Everyone understand you made a mistake but i think allot of posters want to see you do right by her and yourself by moving on.

I hope you get over this soon op, learn from this as it is a valuable lesson and find someone else . Good luck.

Buncha Fives

OP as I mentioned before you need to look at the bigger picture...your thread is titled "Life changing mistakes" what you did was very wrong to your ex and it was life changing for you, but you cant say for sure that it was a mistake. You obviously thought long and hard about what you were at before you started chasing another girl...at the time it was what you wanted to do (disregard if was morally right or wrong, that is a seperate issue). Your love for your ex wasn't strong enough to deter you chasing another girl at that time so for me the relationship was not secure enough to marry this woman.

I have made loads of important decisions in life (both career and love life) and some have them have turned out to be the wrong decision but when I made the decisions I thought I was doing what was best for me...iv regretted plenty of them but I have trusted myself that if the decision I made at the time seemed right well then it was the right thing to do.

People have been hard on you here and rightly so but you need to put things into perspective what you did was very wrong and you have hurt a lot of people but at the same time you didn't kill anyone. The same situation could have occured a couple of years into your marriage and then it would have been an absolute disaster....life will move on.

dannyc31

OP you are definitley still going through the grieving phase but the main thing you should be taking from this experience is plenty of lessons.

me and the girl from work began spending more and more time together in work and out of work - talking about my troubles with my fiance

point 1. communication. why were you talking to this other girl about all your troubles and issues with your Fiance instead of talking to your fiance about them? this is clearly something that was an issue in your relationship from the very start, no proper communication on the major issues.

i know you said you got on brilliant 95% of the time but often every day things do not really test the true strength of a relationship. its only when those major hurdles come along in life that we really start to see the strength or lack of strength that we have in a relationship. it probably suited you to just go through the motions like this for good, but as soon as the realisation of seriously commiting to this woman for life hit you, you started to fear it was all wrong.

now there could be two possibilities to this, perhaps you just were'nt ready for marriage at this time but felt pressure to make that commitment. we can only go from your point of view and so we do not know what type of girl she was and if whether this was something that was pushed by her. more likely it was as i said above, a long period of papering over the cracks/issues & problems in the relationship and finally the began to boil to the surface.

I connected with her in a way i had never connected with anyone before. We had similar interests, we finished each other sentences. We just got each other, and she was incredibly attractive.

dont you think these should be the type of comments you should be making about the girl you are about to marry? if all of this was'nt there with the fiance then how could she possibly of ever been right for you?

how we react to this can be varied and yes many above will judge you, but really noone knows how they will react when such strong feelings and emotions are at work. some people react by just walking out, others react by having a child thinking that that will solve their problems, others as in your situation start to have flings with other partners.

the the second point is, communication also ties into how you feel about yourself. if you are the type of person who constantly needs someone by your side then i think you need to work on your own self esteem and self worth. its not fair for you to be carrying this baggage onto the next girl.

lastly, you as many have said above are being selfish in trying to get her back. if she has said without question she has moved on and has met someone else, if you do truly love her you will let her be. it would of been like a death in the family for her when you walked out & cheated on her like that and that is something that is very hard to get over. you broke her heart, you had your chance at the time of the wedding planning to sort things, either by talking to her, family or a professional but you choose to be selfish and chase after another girl knowing it would potentially devastate your fiance.

so in closing i would agree with the other comments above, leave this girl be to rebuild her own life. work on your self confidence and communication skills and move on with your own life for a while. find out who you are yourself and what you actually want from your life and a life partner. if not you are going to carry all of this baggage to the next girl and be back on this forum in 5 years time having done the same thing all over again to other poor unfortunate girl.

best of luck

LegacyUser

You know, I only missed my ex when I was at my lowest and on my own. I'd think about getting back with her and forget all the things that were wrong in the relationship.

But, it wasn't her that I missed, it was the idea of being in a relationship.

Had I met someone more suitable, I'd have completely forgotten about those feelings.

You need to realise that you were enaged to someone you weren't sure about and realise those reason and then find someone else.

dixiefly

First of all I agree with the sentiments expressed by the majority of people here and that you behaved very badly and have been (rightly) dumped by your fiance.

However, the OP has opened a thread regarding what he can do to get her back and, perhaps, all is not lost. If he is correct that she still loves him then there may be a chance of a reconciliation. We all have made mistakes and it looks as if the OP really has learned from his.

If it was me I think I would try the following. If there was a good friend or sibling of your former fiance that you feel you can talk to and that is close to her then you could approach and ask to meet that person. Spell out what you have said here and ask if they can get an indication from her exactly how final final it is from her point of view. You could ask if they could mediate in a way to facilitate even a meeting or a "date".

People may say that this would prolong the agony and perhaps so and, if this doesnt work, then you should leave her alone. If you mix in the same circles then perhaps you might randomly meet again and the vibes might be better after a longer period has elapsed.

Best of luck.

Superminty

Lots of bashing of someonebuildmeatimemachine just because he made a mistake. A bit naive of those doing it. Here's my tuppence anywho.

someonebuildmeatimemachine, you made a mistake, you're human. We all make mistakes. Wishing you all the -you got what you deserve- is just dumb and makes no sense. Its as if you are expected to burden your mistake forever. My parents seperated when i was very young. They were apart for years. They eventually ended up back together and have been happy ever since. Mistakes were learned from and forgiveness was given.

As a human being I dont believe you should have to be burdened with your mistake. As for the well being of your former fiancee, we dont really care about her here because its you who is looking for the help. You certainly didnt ruin her life, she was in the relationship with you and took the same chance on the relationship as you did. Relationships arent perfect! One of the commenters here said that if the relationship was right in the first place you wouldnt have strayed. I also think thats rubbish too. Every relationship takes work no matter how hot/cool/sexy/funny the other half is! And lets be honest, the grass IS always greener and in my opinion just serves as a reminder to us to determine are we in the right place.

The best advice i can give is to grieve for the relationship loss and when you are ready, get back in the game. it may take time, but you will be back. Forgive yourself for making a mistake. Whether you get back with your ex or not is unimportant now. Grieve, then try put your life back together and move forward. Dont beat yourself up, you are only human and nobody died.