Commitment in your twenties

thier

So I've been friends with this guy for the last 3 years and in the last year we have been having a sexual relationship. Initially I thought it would just be a sex thing but I have since developed feelings for him. I asked him where we stood relationship-wise and he says he doesn't want it to be a serious thing because we both know it will have to end in two years due to external circumstances. He says he doesn't want to settle down until his mid thirties. He asks can't we just keep it light and enjoy reality as it is? The bottom line is we both really enjoy each other's company and I know he is not using me for sex. We would hang out either way. Both in our mid twenties, btw.

Now I am inclined to agree with everything he says. Before I got close to him I was of the opinion that you should not tie yourself down with anyone until your thirties, because it limits your freedom at a time in your life when you're making the most important decisions about your career, etc. But hearing his opinion on the matter makes me think we should just end it now, because otherwise I'll get too attached to him, probably more attached than he is, considering I'm a woman. It will most likely end in 2 years, because I'm living abroad now, and will have to return home then.

What are people's opinion on this sort of thing? Part of me is saying, I enjoy his company so much, why do I have to think ahead and worry about what will happen in the future? But the other side of me is saying that I will be devastated when the inevitable separation happens, and I'll regret continuing with him when I knew it was not going anywhere.

PS. Neither of us are the type that dates a lot, or even socialises much, so there's an even greater danger of getting too attached. I have tried to end it twice before and we lasted about a month before we couldn't bear it anymore and were back in each other's arms.

Merkin

thier wrote: »

So I've been friends with this guy for the last 3 years and in the last year we have been having a sexual relationship. Initially I thought it would just be a sex thing but I have since developed feelings for him. I asked him where we stood relationship-wise and he says he doesn't want it to be a serious thing because we both know it will have to end in two years due to external circumstances. He says he doesn't want to settle down until his mid thirties. He asks can't we just keep it light and enjoy reality as it is?

In my experience, men do what they say on the tin. By that, I mean, all the deliberating and over-analysis women involve themselves in (and trust me I've been there, gotten the t-shirt) is normally quite ill-founded. If you actually truly listen to what a man says he will more often than not tell you exactly what it is he is feeling and what his intentions are.

This guy has explicitly said that he doesn't want a relationship with you ever but is happy to have sex with you. It really is that straightforward. I think given the fact that you have actually fallen for him and will undoubtedly want more will most probably cause you pain so it's up to you then how you choose to proceed.

I'm not sure where your thread title is coming from as it seems you're trying to adapt to his way of thinking (not making a commitment until your 30s) while that's evidently what you want from him or you wouldn't be posting.

My advice would be to quit while you're ahead. I think you're in way deeper than he is as he's already told you he doesn't want anything more so unless you're prepared to deal with the fallout then I'd extricate myself.

Idle Passerby

Whatever his intentions are about not wanting to tie himself down until his thirties, if he wanted to be with you he would. He's not going to wake up on his 35th birthday and suddenly want a committed, serious relationship with a girl he's been happy to be casual with for years. Even if that did happen, would you be happy to hang around for years waiting until he decides its the right time for him to settle for someone? By staying with him your missing out on opportunities to meet a man who might actually want to be with you.

thier

You're both right. I needed to hear it.

Lorna123

I think he probably felt all along that you were due to go home in 2 years time and because of this he never felt he should be looking at this as being a permanent relationship and so he resigned himself to it just being a temporary thing. Now you are asking him where you stand but he hasn't thought it out so he just said the first thing that came into his head. He might think now that he will not settle down until his mid thirties but nobody can put an age on when they will be ready to commit, especially if it is ten years away. Okay, he is not ready to commit right now but in my opinion he could be in another year or two and when it comes to the time when you are going home, which would mean you are 5 years together then maybe he will change his mind about his mid thirties. I think I would continue on with this guy for a while longer if you are getting on that well and just see how it goes. Even if you have to wait it out another 2 years then so what, at least you will then know for sure whether staying with him was the right thing to do. You are not going to gain anyting by splitting with him now and going home in 2 years anyway. It will be just as hard but the extra 2 years staying with
him could make it clearer to both of you whether this is the real thing.

okiss

You have developed feelings for this man and you have asked him were do you stand.
He has told you that he does not see himself in a relationship until he is in his 30's.
He has you to hang out with and have sex with when he feels like it but is unwilling to make any type of commitment to you.
Meanwhile you are not a position to met a man who could love you and treat you with a bit of respect.
I would tell him that you are no longer going to sleep with him and I would look at building up your own circle of friends were you are.