should i invite my mam to my wedding

nadey

Picked out my engagement ring with my boyfriend this week so happy and cannot wait to get engaged

I always wanted to get married in Spain with only family invited don't believe in spending thousands of euro for only one day and the boyfriend agrees so perfect for us

I really don't want my mam at the wedding though I know she will only ruin the day by making a show of her and me by getting drunk and also by fighting and more than likely go on a robbing spree

We are not speaking at the moment as usual because of her cruel childish drunken behavior which is nothing new and would gladly not have her on the wedding

Can I not invite her????? Im afraid if I don't invite her then my dad won't come and he won't agree with me being my mams only daughter not inviting her own mother to the wedding i would be heart broken if my dad wasn't there

My 2 sisters don't get on with my mam either these are my dad's daughters from his first marriage and wouldn't care if she came or not my brothers wouldn't be bothered to be honest either I have 8 brothers and 2 half sisters by the way

Is it selfish and bad of me not to invite her could really use advice please and thanks

tinkerbell

Why would you invite someone to your wedding knowing full well they will ruin your day and you have a toxic relationship with them? Them being your mother doesn't mean you should just invite them anyway. I wouldn't invite her.

StillWaters

Congratulations on your engagement :-)

You can of course invite or not invite who you want. However should you not invite your mother, your relationship with her will probably be over forever. It will be impossible to build a bridge from that.

Only if are accepting of that, and the fact the relationship with your father will also be damaged should you not invite her. I do think if you do not invite your mother, you are putting your father in an horrendously difficult position.

nadey

StillWaters wrote: »

Congratulations on your engagement :-)

You can of course invite or not invite who you want. However should you not invite your mother, your relationship with her will probably be over forever. It will be impossible to build a bridge from that.

Only if are accepting of that, and the fact the relationship with your father will also be damaged should you not invite her. I do think if you do not invite your mother, you are putting your father in an horrendously difficult position.

Our relationship has always been rocky we get back talking for a while then she ruins everything when she doesn't get her own way and gets really nasty and evil

I seriously think I was switched at birth or else if it's true what she says and my dad ain't my real dad see what I mean when I say she's evil!!!!

I really really want my dad there though but don't know if he would come or not if she's not invited mates say she would change for the wedding but there's more chance winning the lotto than that

I really don't want her there but really want my dad so confused on what to do

Thank you for your reply

Swampy

Can you give her an ultimatum that you have to have a better relationship with her before she is invited to the wedding or she doesn't go?

As it stands, the relationship is obviously bad with her. If she is at the wedding you will ruin it by worrying about what she will do the whole time.

Tough one. My opinion is that I would not invite her on the basis of past experiences. She only has herself to blame really.

nadey

Swampy wrote: »

Can you give her an ultimatum that you have to have a better relationship with her before she is invited to the wedding or she doesn't go?

As it stands, the relationship is obviously bad with her. If she is at the wedding you will ruin it by worrying about what she will do the whole time.

Tough one. My opinion is that I would not invite her on the basis of past experiences. She only has herself to blame really.

If I said that to her then should would be on her best behaviour until she gets their sand then the real her comes out she done it on my 18TH when she gave away my new puppy that my dad bought me

My21st she got arrested acted like it was her 21st instead of mine

Her most recent stunt was when she cause blue murder on my nannys benefit night with my dad's family

Awhhhh I don't know who actually has to think to invite their own mam to their wedding

Swampy

In that case, no way would I invite her. That's only my opinion. How could any of your family argue with your reasons given her past experiences at parties.

Danniboo

Tell her you are thinking of not inviting her because of her behaviour, i'm presuming she's an alcoholic? Unfortunately someone with a drink problem often needs to hit absolute rock bottom before they'll in any way look at changing their behaviour. This might be a kick in the arse for her it might not, it's not your responsibility either way to get her better but I think it is worth saying to her.

ABajaninCork

If your mother has a drink problem and is likely to kick off, then no. I wouldn't invite her and I would make sure she knew why. Your father must know what she's like. Probably he'll try to emotionally blackmail you, but stand strong.

You should be able to relax and enjoy your special day without walking on eggshells wondering when she'll start.

nadey

Swampy wrote: »

In that case, no way would I invite her. That's only my opinion. How could any of your family argue with your reasons given her past experiences at parties.

I know but I'm just thinking what will she do when she's not invited weather she gets a invite or not she will be up to something

I'm not even gonna tell anyone where the wedding Is I'm booking sand keeping the tickets to myself just in case I don't invite her and she wants to crash the wedding or something

ABajaninCork

Why can't you contact your mother and TELL her she is not invited and why? By all means, don't tell her the details, but all this sneaking around will only stress you out and you should be able to enjoy your wedding planning.

Beruthiel

nadey wrote: »

Is it selfish and bad of me not to invite her could really use advice please and thanks

Your mother is a grown adult.
If, at this stage, she cannot deport herself with a bit of decorum, that's her problem not yours.

Not for a second would I feel guilty for not inviting her.
This is your special day, to be celebrated with people who care enough for you to make sure they add to the day, not retract from it.

Let the guilt go. It is misplaced.
After all, you wouldn't be in this position if your mother knew how to behave herself.
Put the guilt where it's deserved, at your mother feet.

Have a great day!

rainbows7

I suggest ask your dad on the quiet if he will still come to your wedding if you exclude your Mom. Tell him what you've shared here. Be honest.
And good luck.

Congratulations also

nadey

She is a alcoholic been at the lowest of the low goes off the drink for a few times sometimes over a year but always goes back to it cares more about her drink than her own children as she has proven so many times

But the funny thing is shes actually worse when shes sober she's quite sometimes all jolly when she's drunk and sadly enough I think I rather her drunk than sober

Ando's Saggy Bottom

If shes likely to ruin the biggest day of your life or have you worrying all day about what she might do or say then she doesn't deserve to be there.

Talk to your dad. Explain it like you have done here. He surely knows what shes like better than anyone. Then its up to him to decide what to do. I dont think he'll let you down. A daughter getting married is a big deal for a dad.

Awful situation to be in. I wish you the very best in the future. The damage parents can do to their kids is unreal.

ManOfMystery

OP I got married a few months back, and when we were going through our guest list we were pretty happy with almost all the choices we made - mostly close family and friends and people we were proud to have their sharing the day with us. However, there was 1 particular female in my bride's family she was unsure about (bitter toxic woman, albeit not a drinker) but we invited her anyway hoping that the rest of the family would keep her in line.

Sure enough, she made a small scene at one point in the day and actually had a verbal altercation with my bride herself. She was completely in the wrong. Luckily very few people witnessed it, but nonetheless it put a bit of a black mark on an otherwise spotless day. My wife hasn't taken her on since and won't do until she gets a full apology.

You only get to do this day once (ideally!). You have one chance to get through the wedding ceremony, one chance to get through the photos, one chance to get through the speeches, one chance to get through the reception, and so on. If you think there's someone who will make a scene or ruin the day in any way, DO NOT INVITE them. Even if it may seem they will only risk embarassing themselves, if they somehow interrupt your speeches or any other event it will disrupt the flow of the day and also upset your scheduling. What happened at our wedding was a non-event really, but it was the only negative thing which happened all day and without it we could honestly have said the day went perfectly without a hitch.

Ordinarily I'd say 'but she's your mother....' ........................ but in this case, it sounds like she's completely toxic and there's no great bond between you both anyway. If you're sure it's a decision you won't regret down the line, then stick to your guns and leave her off the list.

Sleepy

From your description of her, there's no way in hell I'd be letting her within an asses roar of the day.

Ask your family not to let her know where the wedding is on either. She sounds like the sort who'll crash and make a scene if she can.

HeyThereDeliah

You know her and you also know she will spoil your day. You will not relax if she is there normally I would say give her a chance but in your case I think you have given her several chances.
Speak to your dad and make him understand this is your big day and you want it to be relaxing.
Good luck

curlzy

Hey OP,

I certainly wouldn't invite your mother if I were you and if your Dad is thick/stubborn enough insist on you inviting someone who has already ruined every major event in your life I wouldn't invite him either. TBH I'd be pissed that he's expect me to.

Honestly OP, If I were you I'd just elope somewhere amazing and get married on the beach at sunset, just the 2 of you. The whole thing sounds stressful and f*cked up. For the price of a small wedding over here you could have an amazing wedding if you guys just go off together. Just avoid the whole sorry mess and elope.

Also, Congratulations and I hope you have a wonderful day whatever you decide.

Best of luck.

looksee

I'm inclined to agree with the last poster, go off and do it yourselves, don't invite anyone, or at least just one other couple. With that many siblings and a father who is on the fence someone will tell her what is happening.

Then arrange to have a big party somewhere when you get back, and if she comes and makes a show you will be better able to cope with her when the whole pressure of the wedding/ special day thing is off.

Calhoun

nadey wrote: »

Awhhhh I don't know who actually has to think to invite their own mam to their wedding

Hahah you are not alone, I was thinking something quite similar but in my case I don't believe she will act out as it would mean that she would be cut out of my life completely.

Now back to you, I think its a safe bet to say that you should not invite her as if you not only feel but pretty much know she will ruin it then its time to cut the cord.

You can still have a relationship with your dad but you need to give him the option on what he wants to do, if he doesn't want to be there explain your reasons to him and ask him if it would be ok if your brother gave you away.

Also forget the eloping thing for two reasons, 1. You really need to sort this out now or it will follow you for other big occasions (what happens when the kids come), 2. Its not just your day its also your OH and himself/his family may want to have a traditional wedding.

irishgirl19

Congrats on your engagement.

But honestly do you really want to be on edge worrying about your mother on what is meant to be the happiest day of your life.

If you were to invite her id make sure you have a firm talk with her first.

But is it worth the hassle.its your day.dont put yourself out or make yourself feel at unease to please someone else.

Best of luck

Lantus

As a man I didn't invite my dad to my wedding as he also has a love of the gurgle and has been divorced from my mum for many years. My brother did the same. A wise decision.

A wedding is a time when you want to be surrounded by your family and friends and people you love. Not looking over your shoulder in fear that something bad is almost certainly going to happen.

You wouldn't book a night out or a holiday with that mentality never mind your wedding day!

nadey

Nah i have decided that my brothers ain't going to the wedding we hardly talk apart from the odd text her and there plus most of them are under 12 and the 3 older ones who are younger than me aren't bothered about weddings and all that

So it's just my 2 sister's going and I don't think they will bring my niece and 3 nephews as they will be the only children there plus I wanna let them enjoy themselves properly without having to mind their children for the whole time they are there so it's only 3 of my family members going sisters and dad ( hopefully )

His side will have his mam dad 2sisters and brother as I said really small in somewhere in Spain I do feel really really guilty though if I don't invite my mam as I am her only daughter and I think I'm the only one who will get married from her children as the older 3 say they never want to get married and I don't think she will be alive to see the younger ones weddings

I shouldn't feel guilty she has brought this on herself and has no one else to blame but her self but I can't shake the feeling that I'm being a total bitch if I don't invite her really am torn on what to do by the way thanks for the replies least its not just me that thinks she can't come

ABajaninCork

Through all this, you haven't mentioned one thing. Your fiance. What does he think?

nadey

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Through all this, you haven't mentioned one thing. Your fiance. What does he think?

Ha what about him he just needs to show up look pretty and put a ring on it lol

He doesn't care if she goes or not as long as we have our day that all that matters to him

ABajaninCork

nadey wrote: »

Ha what about him he just needs to show up look pretty and put a ring on it lol

He doesn't care if she goes or not as long as we have our day that all that matters to him

Frankly, I find this worrying. It IS his business, as he's marrying into your family and the two of you should work out a strategy together. What about the afterwards? How are you going to deal with your mother then? What happens when you have children??

I still think you should speak to your mother, tell her she is no longer welcome at your life events (even life??) and make sure she knows WHY. The two of you could even speak to her together. If you can't face that, then write her a letter.

I hope this works out for you! Congrats on your engagement & good luck!

nadey

ABajaninCork wrote: »

nadey wrote: »

Ha what about him he just needs to show up look pretty and put a ring on it lol

He doesn't care if she goes or not as long as we have our day that all that matters to him

Frankly, I find this worrying. It IS his business, as he's marrying into your family and the two of you should work out a strategy together. What about the afterwards? How are you going to deal with your mother then? What happens when you have children??

I still think you should speak to your mother, tell her she is no longer welcome at your life events (even life??) and make sure she knows WHY. The two of you could even speak to her together. If you can't face that, then write her a letter.

I hope this works out for you! Congrats on your engagement & good luck!

I never said it wasn't his business he doesn't care as long as we have our day

And children noooo way that's will be very VERY Long time away plus I won't be living in dublin when we do decide to have children the other half is from galway and we always said we would move back down there before we have a child

We're not a close family haven't been since I moved out when I was 17 and even back then me and my mam never got onthe only ones I'm close to is my sisters

And I'd honesty rather die than to speak to her right now we had a huge fight a few weeks ago and in still mad at her maybe after xmas I'll talk to her when it get closer to the wedding

CruelCoin

My girlfriend has expressed a desire for her mother not to be present at the wedding should we get married.

Ignorant, malignant ****, etc etc.

If she's going to ruin your day, don't invite her. End of.
This is going to be one of the most special days in your life, surround yourself with well-wishers!

a posse ad esse

In the end, it is your choice who you would like to invite to your wedding. Even if you were in good terms with your mother, you could still not invite her. I know some that did not invite any family and eloped abroad. That is the choice between the couple and they have every right to do it, it is their day. Considering your mother's behaviour during social events, you should not have one iota of guilt not inviting her. Just because she is your mother does not mean she gets a get out of jail free card. Your father does not lack any common sense and does not need a long explaination as to why she is not allowed to come. Keep in mind, if he does not show up has nothing to do with you. He is probably trying to keep the peace back home. Remember, he lives with this woman.