never had girlfriend

LegacyUser

i am 42 and i have never had a girlfriend. i think its because i had a bad relationship with my parents with whom we communicated very little. everything was always an argument. i also feel very immature for my age. recently my personal appearance has changed and women have taken an interest but i get very nervous. the worst thing is nearly everyone in the small town i live in knows about this

what can i do?

Internet Hero

just relax man and think hey if they are interested in me it must mean they see something they like! so if you focus and that and dont get too eager to impress you will be more comfortable. just be yourrself man! good to hear they are interested now

RossFixxxed

Glad to hear that things are changing. Who cares what the town thinks about it? If you like a woman and the feeling is mutual that's fantastic and you should enjoy it. It is always flattering. Just be friendly and open, not over eager and wide open! Being immature isn't a bad thing, as long as you are responsible about the more important issues around safety, security, dependability, trust etc then you are grand on other things. I say this as a person who runs arount the house giggling at the cat like a four year old after a day of working!

The whole point is to enjoy yourself, to be excited and nervous and scared! I'm nearly 11 years with my OH and I'm still terrified of women!

Internet Hero

RossFixxxed wrote: »

I'm nearly 11 years with my OH and I'm still terrified of women

k man i dont think thats good either

N17er

Internet Hero wrote: »

just be yourrself man!

Isn't this the problem? He wants to change something i thought.

Ickle Magoo

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RossFixxxed

Internet Hero wrote: »

k man i dont think thats good either

Meant as a light hearted reassurance to the guy that you don't have to be totally confident and super empowered. May need more smileys after it!

He said he is very nervous and everyone in the town knows about his past, and not having a girlfriend. What I'm trying to say was:

1) Who cares about the town?
2) Being nervous and excited is all part of the fun of the whole dating scene! The thrill of the chase, the terrified first date, etc.

Broad generalisations but often true from my own (limited) experience!

Fluorescence

never..... wrote: »

i am 42 and i have never had a girlfriend. i think its because i had a bad relationship with my parents with whom we communicated very little. everything was always an argument. i also feel very immature for my age. recently my personal appearance has changed and women have taken an interest but i get very nervous. the worst thing is nearly everyone in the small town i live in knows about this

what can i do?

Is it possible, assuming you have no major ties to the town, to move somewhere new and re-invent yourself? There's a possibility that you've been pigeon-holed as the 40 year old bachelor of the town, and once you've a label stuck to you it's damn difficult to get rid of...


Just a thought!

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks.



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Overheal

never..... wrote: »

i am 42 and i have never had a girlfriend. i think its because i had a bad relationship with my parents with whom we communicated very little. everything was always an argument. i also feel very immature for my age. recently my personal appearance has changed and women have taken an interest but i get very nervous. the worst thing is nearly everyone in the small town i live in knows about this

what can i do?

Take the chance.

About all you can do really.

Not that long ago I was in a similar position, very shy and nervous around women and if I ever got around to dating one, it never got far because I was too clingy. Everyone wants all the intimacy and everything else but it's not something that happens overnight (not successfully, anyway). When you push for that immediately you scare away a good thing.

I suggest if you're picking up on signals then you're already in a good position. Take whatever you do at a comfortable pace, don't spend hundreds of euro on a first date or something. Keep things simple, do activities that friends can do: nobody will bat an eyelid and there's no unnecessary pressure.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Take the chance.

About all you can do really.

Not that long ago I was in a similar position, very shy and nervous around women and if I ever got around to dating one, it never got far because I was too clingy. Everyone wants all the intimacy and everything else but it's not something that happens overnight (not successfully, anyway). When you push for that immediately you scare away a good thing.

I suggest if you're picking up on signals then you're already in a good position. Take whatever you do at a comfortable pace, don't spend hundreds of euro on a first date or something. Keep things simple, do activities that friends can do: nobody will bat an eyelid and there's no unnecessary pressure.

these are girls i meet in the pub who are showing an interest. even in the last month at least 4 girls have shown an interest

i would feel intimadate by sleeping with someone right away

Overheal

never....., wrote: »

these are girls i meet in the pub who are showing an interest. even in the last month at least 4 girls have shown an interest

i would feel intimadate by sleeping with someone right away

As would I.

Not everyone in the pub is looking to jump right in the sack, but you would definitely be putting yourself in a less precarious position by socializing elsewhere.

LegacyUser

i get really nervous and feel under pressure and girls pick up on this. one gitrl(not someone i was dating someoen who i think had a fancy on me) even told me (in a nice way) i was too shy and needed to man up

Big Bag of Chips

OP - not everyone can be the life and soul of the party. Some people are shy and quiet, and it's easy to sit back and tell them to "man up" but doing that can seem almost impossible for the person.

The biggest thing you need to do is be happy in yourself. Accept that you are shy. I think the older you get the less being shy or outgoing matters. Of course the loudest voice will always be heard, and the "life and soul" of the party will always seem to be the fella/girl getting the most attention. It doesn't mean they are more popular or somehow better than a shy person, though. It just means it is easier for them to get on in a big crowd.

Shy people have their place in the world too!

You just have to be comfortable in yourself - as kids/teens/early 20s etc it seems to be important to be liked and popular. And that's when the more outgoing people shine, and shy people tend to get overlooked. But as life moves on and we get a bit older, people tend to appreciate the quieter, shy person more.

I think you are getting attention on two levels now - 1 is possibly because of your appearance changing, but the other is possibly because people now appreciate you. They appreciate that you are a quiet guy, going about your own business.

Your biggest challenge now is to simply like who you are. (I'm not saying that that will be easy - you've had 42 years of thinking a certain way, that wil not change over night!) But once you like who you are, you will start to see why others like you too.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. i seen a few post on here aabout social anxiety disorder and i am pretty sure i have a bad case. i dont think i am naturally shy just inhibited

Overheal

never...,. wrote: »

i get really nervous and feel under pressure and girls pick up on this. one gitrl(not someone i was dating someoen who i think had a fancy on me) even told me (in a nice way) i was too shy and needed to man up

Girl friends are priceless insights. You'd typically do well to confide in someone like that, it can help a lot. I've had the blessing of one or two such people in the last couple years.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Girl friends are priceless insights. You'd typically do well to confide in someone like that, it can help a lot. I've had the blessing of one or two such people in the last couple years.

she wasnt actually a good friend just someone i run into occaisionally in the pub.


But i should talk to someone its just very embarrasssing. i have no older brothers or sisters.

Overheal

I am notoriously aloof with my own family. In the past they made trying to talk to them about potential crushes or girlfriends such an awkward experience (don't believe me? I was dogsitting for a girl before that I kinda had a thing for and on my way out the door the old man shouted "taste her!" Yeah.) That I don't really talk to them anymore about any bloody thing

IME I've had a couple confidants in this manner - all of which are girls - and it's almost always gone well. The only exception was trying this with a girl that had initially used me as a rebound and that ended woefully. In fact it's usually been with people where theres been mutual attraction, even a little chemistry, but just the wrong spark or conditions - like one girl who was already in a LTR with 2 children. I'm not a homewrecker and neither was she. But we had some very good talks about life.

Ickle Magoo

As your last two posts were deleted as they are moving into blog/hypothetical quiz territory rather than requesting advice on a specific issue, we're going to lock this thread OP.

You've been given some sound advice already and we'd suggest you take that on-board and look at speaking to a qualified professional if you suspect you have a bad case of social anxiety/phobia.

All the very best.