The way forward?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am a separated Dad of a lovely little two and a half year boy and I am at the end of my tether.The problem is he has recently been diagnosed with Mild spectrum Autism, Which was a shock but he is still the same little boy and I understand his ways better.
The problem is my Ex and her overbearing Mother will not tell me about any appointments ie Speech and language, Child Psychologist. I have missed 8 appointments(that I know of) altogether which I would have been there in a heartbeat but I was left out altogether.

They knew for 5 weeks that he was diagnosed, The playschool told me there concerns and it was a thing I was aware of yet I was told we where waiting for an appointment.

To give the background, I pay maintenance every week, I am never late to pick him up, I am very friendly to both ex and her Mother. They speak highly of me to everyone they talk to but action speak louder than words. I was just on the phone to the speech and language lady today and she told me that he has had 3 meetings in the last 3 weeks!! I have been asking them for a month for the number and they said she was on holidays!
I try to think the best of people but I should have known they where lieing.
I work, I look after my son, I am not a drug addict, I am an alcoholic, I am not violent, Why would anyone do this?
I spoke to the child psychologist yesterday and she told me to speak to my ex away from her Mother as she feels that while I am dealing with two people instead of one It will be harder for big decisions to be made and she feels her Mother is sticking her nose in(Which surprised me as that's what I was thinking going in but felt I shouldn't say). That was yesterday, I left the meeting with hope that all this weird behavior had ended but this morning I am back to square one.

I don't know what to do, I am in bits writing this. The Speech and language lady was understanding, She told me to come to the appointment Monday and was shocked that I was not told about these appointments considering they are so important.

I'm sorry I am rambling now, I don't have anyone to talk to right now and in 5 hours I have to drop him off. I don't know what to do, Do I say something or do I just turn up on Monday to the appointment? They have such little shame the latter option wouldn't faze them. Also confrontation is not an option as my ex will just stop me seeing him so I'm between a rock and hard place. Am I being harsh or have I a right to be angry?

I have the red mist around me so maybe I'm overreacting but I really don't think it's fair on him or me. I had to ask the Speech and language lady over the phone about exercises to help his speech along when they have had meetings which she presumed I didn't want to go to hence my exes mother being there. That is not helping him, I am a month behind with this so every time I had him in the last month I could have been doing these exercises!! I just don't understand it at all.

Lorna123

Can you keep in touch with the Child Psychologist and keep up to date from that?
I would just turn up next Monday and say nothing to your ex and her mother. Don't get into any confrontation with them and if they ask you what you are doing at these meetings just say that you are the child's father and want to be there. That's all that is required. I would not argue with either of them or start something that could turn nasty. Just understand that your ex and her mother probably feel uncomfortable with you and that is why they didn't tell you. They don't want you turning up at these meetings but you have a right to be there and so it is now up to you to make sure you are kept informed by keeping in touch with the Psychologist yourself. On reflection though it might intimidate your child if the 3 adults in his life are there with the Psychologist and himself. He might feel awkward about that. Ask the Psychologist what she thinks.

alibab

Hi . I don't usually post in this section but your post caught my eye . Firstly fair play to you for standing up and wanting to attend the appointments etc and be involved with your little boys interventions . Many men are happy to just spend time with the child but not get involved in the day to day appointments and helping to deal with the endless appointments etc that go with a diagnoses of ASD .

I have a son also with ASD now aged 6 but diagnosed over 4 years ago now at 2 . I separated 2 and a half years ago now and prior to this and since i have looked after all appointments and everything to do with our son and his Autism on my own .I would be delighted if my ex had shown any interest in attending any therapy's or appointments to offer support of even to learn how to perform OT an speech therapy when he is with him like i do everyday at home . He is a great father i wont say he is not and fully accepts his sons diagnoses we were together when it happened and it was very obvious there was a problem but the everyday stuff and everything was quickly left to me .

The one thing i do remember was when we separated the Autism team i was under requested his new address which i gave . It was said at the time if he wanted all appointments etc would be sent not just to me but to both parents at the two different addresses . This was to facilitate him if he would like to attend so as not to exclude him in any way . My understanding from my team was that both parents where entitled to be there and so as not to make it awkward for either separate letters would be sent . Is this something that maybe you could request be put on your file and maybe request the psychologist and salt also send you appointments all well as ex .

It is important that when your son is with you that he continues the routines and visual schedules etc that he is used to when with his mum or he will just become confused and not understand which can cause anxiety and lashing out . I am a lot further down the road now and the transition to living in 2 houses is very smooth and he loves going to stay with his dad but at the start it was hard on everyone . Hope you get sorted .