Opinion what to do next?

bluemarker

Adopted in the early 80's, I had a fantastic childhood and am extremely greatful for everything. Cannot state this enough. Fun, respectful, loving enviroment and university educated. Loving parents. Complete success story for adoption.

Always I thought that I would search for birth parents and I got the ball rolling 5 years ago. Went down the road of social worker whom I must say was extremly helpful but her hands were tied so I ventured off in my own investigations.

In one hour of visiting Irish Life Mall I have my birth name, mothers name and mother marriage cert. With all this new info I sat in Wynns hotel with a lovly coffee and tried to process everything. Alot to take in as what my name would of been, where I would of grown up, etc etc.

So I searched Facebook over and over. Found pictures, brothers and sisters. Grand parents, cousins... Iv looked at them so many times that it almost feels like I know them already.

I drove around the area where my mother is in. Went to the chapel where she married. The social worker had contacted her and got a reply to wait, that she isnt ready. That was 4 years ago. She has a 'new' family now that don't know about the adoption. I cant just stop thinking and switch off.

I recently visited the area again and found out the exact house that she is living in. Saw some relatives in the garden. I went back home and wrote a letter. Simple letter stating ... hope you are well, can you contact me on 086....... She has received the letter but I have had no reply.

My question is... Do I arrive at the door?

bluemarker

mamafi

Hi Bluemarker, You are in a really bad place at the moment for yourself I feel.It must be really hard on you having tried to make contact twice with your bm and hearing nothing positive from her but even though all you really want to do is bang on her front door and demand answers I really don't think that it would be a good idea.

You have so many peoples feelings to think of here. Your bm has had more children so how do you think they would react to you if you went about things this way. How do you think that your bm would react and any chance that you had of getting answers would in my opinion go right out the window.

I know that it must be really hard but Ithink that they softly softly approch is the only way to go.

anothername7

bluemarker wrote: »

Adopted in the early 80's, I had a fantastic childhood and am extremely greatful for everything. Cannot state this enough. Fun, respectful, loving enviroment and university educated. Loving parents. Complete success story for adoption.

Always I thought that I would search for birth parents and I got the ball rolling 5 years ago. Went down the road of social worker whom I must say was extremly helpful but her hands were tied so I ventured off in my own investigations.

In one hour of visiting Irish Life Mall I have my birth name, mothers name and mother marriage cert. With all this new info I sat in Wynns hotel with a lovly coffee and tried to process everything. Alot to take in as what my name would of been, where I would of grown up, etc etc.

So I searched Facebook over and over. Found pictures, brothers and sisters. Grand parents, cousins... Iv looked at them so many times that it almost feels like I know them already.

I drove around the area where my mother is in. Went to the chapel where she married. The social worker had contacted her and got a reply to wait, that she isnt ready. That was 4 years ago. She has a 'new' family now that don't know about the adoption. I cant just stop thinking and switch off.

I recently visited the area again and found out the exact house that she is living in. Saw some relatives in the garden. I went back home and wrote a letter. Simple letter stating ... hope you are well, can you contact me on 086....... She has received the letter but I have had no reply.

My question is... Do I arrive at the door?

bluemarker

sounds a lot like my story... a lot. went to irish life... found details, certs, etc... searched facebook... found BM's children and husband and relatives etc... social worker sent letter... returned saying "not known". I know where they are living etc

whitemoon

just recently found ourselves in same situation! Just over a year ago began search for my husband's BM, found two possibilities through our own search and also approached SPG, who I have to say have been very good. They have contacted BM and she did meet with them, hubby wrote her a letter 3 months ago, which despite the best efforts of Sr Francis, BM has not collected it...not able to deal with it at present.

Don't know now where we can go, nobody connected to BM knows anything about his existence for the past 45 years. If anything happens to her we will never find out anything. So upsetting and frustrating.....so near and yet so far..... any suggestions apreciated

bluemarker

Thanks for the replies and if any1 want to share on thread or privately don't hesitate private msg me. I hope that I didn't come across as being in 'a bad place' because its quite the opposite. I look at my situation with a very open mind and my aim is ensure no one gets hurt or feels cornered in anyway. I'm confident in who I am and don't feel that my BM's reluctance to come forward has a negative effect on me. I guess we all are curious about our sense of identity and that is my driving force.

The laws of adoption drawn up in mid 1900's are very out dated. Current government has plans to change but at the minute the 'child' has zero rights. I'm very understanding about my bm situation and but there are many routes to take than just ignore and hope it will go away. I don't necessarily want a full family oriented relationship with her. Simple contact of acknowledgment. Find out who my birth father is. What her and his characteristics are. The simple things. This can be done on a discrete level that no one needs know.

Speaking to a social worker not covering my case I casually spoke of the
crazy idea of arriving at the door. The social worker said that if it were him in my situation then he would. But be aware that if the door is shut on your face then that generally would be the end. I am totally ready for that. I don't want to look back on life and say I wish I tried... Hence my above question..

If anyone has experience of this I would truly appreciate it

Bluemarker

mamafi

Bluemarker,
sorry I got it wrong..got the impression that you were struggling with the situation that you find yourself in but I was wrong. If you feel that you have no problem with the door been closed in your face and that all chances of any talks taking place may be gone then go for it and knock on the door. Maybe another idea might be to send a list of questions in a letter stating that you have no problem if bm wants no personal contact and maybe you might get a reply to that . At the end of the day only you know how you will feel if you go knocking on that door.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I hope it works out the way you want it to.

Horseinfoal

Well done Bluemarker I know exactly where you are how solid you are and whatever you decide to do will be the right thing and will work out for you

rinsjwind

Hi folks

I think situations like these are at the crux of this whole issue.

I suspect this is part of the reason the politicians shy away from it, you have mutually exclusive rights here so it's impossible to please all sides and anything they do will probably end up pi**ing everyone off.

You can make a damn near unanswerable case for adoptees having a right to know who they are and where they came from, (not to mention what medical issues might be lurking in their genes!).

You can make an equally forceful argument that at least for some birth mothers, any contact, especially the knock on the door out of the blue kind, could (for all sorts of reasons) be an absolute disaster and could literally tear a family apart. Many birthmothers were also assured (either explicitly or implicitly) that their anonimity was guaranteed when they placed their child for adoption and in the (very) few cases that have been brought to court around this issue, various judges have placed a lot of weight on this.

Then again there are some birth parents/families who are desperate to have contact with an adopted relative who doesn't want to know.

For Bluemarker and all the others in this situation, nobody can tell you what to do but think long and hard before you go knocking on doors. It might work out OK but, as other posters have pointed out, you could also blow any chance of contact and/or a relationship with your entire birth family out of the water for good. The latter is probably the more likely outcome, just think about how you would have reacted yourself if a member of your birth family had ever just showed up on your doorstep, especially before you felt you were ready for contact?

Anyway, best wishes whatever you decide to.
Rins

whitemoon

Just like Bluemarker, my hubby very happy with his life and only looking for answers to questions such as identity of his BF, medical history etc. Has no wish to upset BM or involve her family, happy to keep everything confidential and has indicated this in his letter to her but sadly as of yesterday she still has not picked it up. SPG said they will keep trying but only she can make the final decision. Guess all we can do is wait......

goat2

times have changed, can you find out if there are cousins in the area and if you could befriend them, but not let them know your identity, until you are sure, do you know anyone from the area that you could get some information say a neighbour, as i have in the past been a neighbour of someone who was being sought by his daughter, i was able to let her know who she could speak to, and advised her not to approach the house as her father was married to a lady who had health problems, and it could be a tough situation, but i got her on to her fathers brothers wife, so that it could be approached from a different angle, and it worked out in the end, but without the fathers wife knowing, due to her own serious mental health problem

LennieB

Hi - I also had all the details as I was born in the UK and was able to get all my original info from there (details in another post I have written). I wouldn't have approached my birthparents directly though. I spoke to the social worker in the Irish agency that handled my adoption, gave her all the details and she was then able to send off the "letter" to them almost straight away (as I had their address). When my b'mother made contact with the s.w. she was very frightened about her subsequent children finding out about me and was reluctant about contact, but once the s.w. had reassured and explained that this wouldn't happen she agreed to contact. Personally I would advise an intermediary like a s.w. - her experience and guidance was invaluable to me and she met with my birthmother (alone) and my birthparents together a no of times before we made contact directly by letter and eventually met. Your birthmother has probably kept this a secret for so long and is frightened about opening up this episode of her life again but I know the counselling that my birthmother had with my s.w. beforehand helped her a lot and prepared her for our reunion.

goat2

LennieB wrote: »

Hi - I also had all the details as I was born in the UK and was able to get all my original info from there (details in another post I have written). I wouldn't have approached my birthparents directly though. I spoke to the social worker in the Irish agency that handled my adoption, gave her all the details and she was then able to send off the "letter" to them almost straight away (as I had their address). When my b'mother made contact with the s.w. she was very frightened about her subsequent children finding out about me and was reluctant about contact, but once the s.w. had reassured and explained that this wouldn't happen she agreed to contact. Personally I would advise an intermediary like a s.w. - her experience and guidance was invaluable to me and she met with my birthmother (alone) and my birthparents together a no of times before we made contact directly by letter and eventually met. Your birthmother has probably kept this a secret for so long and is frightened about opening up this episode of her life again but I know the counselling that my birthmother had with my s.w. beforehand helped her a lot and prepared her for our reunion.

that is great,
i think it would be nice for her other children to know about you, i dont blame your bm to be afraid of her other children, until she is able to tell t hem my only guess is that she feels bad for not telling the truth way back, but her children, what age are they about now, if they are in their twenties they will have a bit of understanding that she was young too,
and we have all been young and done t hings that we would now think twice about,
i always say,
i cannot put an old head on young shoulders.

anothername7

bluemarker wrote: »

Thanks for the replies and if any1 want to share on thread or privately don't hesitate private msg me. I hope that I didn't come across as being in 'a bad place' because its quite the opposite. I look at my situation with a very open mind and my aim is ensure no one gets hurt or feels cornered in anyway. I'm confident in who I am and don't feel that my BM's reluctance to come forward has a negative effect on me. I guess we all are curious about our sense of identity and that is my driving force.

The laws of adoption drawn up in mid 1900's are very out dated. Current government has plans to change but at the minute the 'child' has zero rights. I'm very understanding about my bm situation and but there are many routes to take than just ignore and hope it will go away. I don't necessarily want a full family oriented relationship with her. Simple contact of acknowledgment. Find out who my birth father is. What her and his characteristics are. The simple things. This can be done on a discrete level that no one needs know.

Speaking to a social worker not covering my case I casually spoke of the
crazy idea of arriving at the door. The social worker said that if it were him in my situation then he would. But be aware that if the door is shut on your face then that generally would be the end. I am totally ready for that. I don't want to look back on life and say I wish I tried... Hence my above question..

If anyone has experience of this I would truly appreciate it

Bluemarker

pm

goat2

bluemarker wrote: »

Adopted in the early 80's, I had a fantastic childhood and am extremely greatful for everything. Cannot state this enough. Fun, respectful, loving enviroment and university educated. Loving parents. Complete success story for adoption.

Always I thought that I would search for birth parents and I got the ball rolling 5 years ago. Went down the road of social worker whom I must say was extremly helpful but her hands were tied so I ventured off in my own investigations.

In one hour of visiting Irish Life Mall I have my birth name, mothers name and mother marriage cert. With all this new info I sat in Wynns hotel with a lovly coffee and tried to process everything. Alot to take in as what my name would of been, where I would of grown up, etc etc.

So I searched Facebook over and over. Found pictures, brothers and sisters. Grand parents, cousins... Iv looked at them so many times that it almost feels like I know them already.

I drove around the area where my mother is in. Went to the chapel where she married. The social worker had contacted her and got a reply to wait, that she isnt ready. That was 4 years ago. She has a 'new' family now that don't know about the adoption. I cant just stop thinking and switch off.

I recently visited the area again and found out the exact house that she is living in. Saw some relatives in the garden. I went back home and wrote a letter. Simple letter stating ... hope you are well, can you contact me on 086....... She has received the letter but I have had no reply.

My question is... Do I arrive at the door?

bluemarker

no i think you should give it time, and that she may well ring after a while,
it is good to know where the house is, for the moment, and through facebook you are finding alot of things about them, it will all help when you eventually meet them, you will know their interests, what they are doing, so you are lucky in a way, you will know alot before you get to meet them personally

Horseinfoal

Hi Bluemarker hope things are going well for you. Just posing a question to all on the Forum, Is anyone interested in putting presssure on Childrens Minister in relation to the natural rights of adopted children and adults in the forthcoming referendum on Childrens rights instead of the present situation where they are forced to go round the country at their own expense just trying to find their birthrights. Would appreciate opinions on this.

Horseinfoal

trixy

Hey I think pressure has been put on again and again with no results. Each minister claim they will change laws but when they are elected to office their minds are changed, either they are afraid of opening can of worms they become privy to or take economics into account for extra resources to deal with such an event . I have been lied to, sent up dead ends and feel betrayed by all social workers I have met . Currently the adoption alliance are bringing our case to a higher European court to fight for our rights in relation to discrimination , I really hope they win but even if they do this issue won't be resolved very quickly . On a personal note I wrote to ministers office months ago, I have received 2 replies from her office stating they will contact me with more comprehensive answer, still no reply 3 months later . I think it's an absolute disgrace and gross injustice as a person I cannot get my file. I NEVER signed a confidentiality agreement and nor will I live my life as a secret .

anothername7

have you made any progress?

tylercheribini

Horseinfoal wrote: »

Hi Bluemarker hope things are going well for you. Just posing a question to all on the Forum, Is anyone interested in putting presssure on Childrens Minister in relation to the natural rights of adopted children and adults in the forthcoming referendum on Childrens rights instead of the present situation where they are forced to go round the country at their own expense just trying to find their birthrights. Would appreciate opinions on this.

Horseinfoal

I ran into brick wall after brick wall tryin to find info about my bm.in the end i resorted to writing to hse explaining situation and that i was v.ill and needed immediate acces to family medical records.within wks i had a meet with my ma

moihugs

bluemarker I am in much the same situation myself...found out my details on the gro..found her marriage cert and her children's birth certs. When I had all that looked them up online have seen all there pics and there children's pics as well ,even have my bm photo from the parish photos. Have a son that looks very like my sister/half sisters child. I look very like my other sister/half sister. Sent my bm wee note and got no reply then decided to send a second got a reply to that...the rest of her family know nothing about me and for the moment she would like to keep it like that, she has her reasons and has held onto my address and phone no. I am going to reply to it just to leave it open for her to respond. Will give her time she isin't old but down the line I am wondering about my siblings...as adults are they not entitled to know such things. I would def want to know but would they? Why should I be the dirty secret. Its not like I would go around her area and announce it to everyone but even the occasional card, cup of coffee with some of them would be nice! I know what I risk if I ever decide to do this though .Decisions decisions

bluemarker

Its 7 years since my search began. I found out about my bm and ive 3 sisters. It turned out my sister was in same university and bumped into her in libruary and college bar but didnt say anything just hello. I was out for a meal with my partner and the waitress turned out to be my biological sister. Sureal experience but said nothing as i didnt want to cause hurt or pain to bm.
I rang bm on her mobile but she wouldnt talk. I met up with my biological aunties and had a very emotional meeting. We are still in contact and have a positive relationship. They have told their siblings (my cousins) about me. They are trying to talk to my bm for me but she feels she cant open herself as her new family dnt know.
I asked them to ask her who my bf is. she said that he didnt even know she was pregnant and has a new family himself.
What do i do. Continue waiting for another 7 years? Ive a 4 month old baby boy and would love my sisters to know that they are aunties and be proud as i am. Ive been putting everyone else first as to not step on anyones toes.
What is my next move?

Bluemarker

Ghekko

Hard to expect everyone to now keep you as a secret. If your biological cousins know about you chances are they will let it slip to one of your bio siblings. I would be livid to find out that other relatives had contact with a sibling when I didn't even know about them! Time to tell your bm that you are not a dirty secret anymore. You are very real and though you don't want to cause any hurt you are forming a relationship with her extended family and it would be lovely for her and your bio siblings to be part of that. Another nicely worded letter is probably needed to get the point across.

Hermy

I agree with Ghekko.
In your position I would be telling your birth mother [in a nice way] that she has the choice of introducing you to your siblings or you'll make those introductions yourself.
That may seem harsh but life is short, there's so much to catch up on and the days of keeping these things secret are long gone.

bluemarker

Bm is living in fear im told that if she tells her husband that he might leave her and she doesnt want that. She also feels that her daughters would disown her. Bm is isolating herself from her extending family so they cant talk to about "her secret". Aunties tell me that bm is a very secretative and loyal person. Loyalities to me are none existent. Iv done everything she has asked of me and it has got me nowhere. She wont even tell me who bf is after numerous requests. My bio sisters are all on social media and im moving much closer to approaching them. They would love to meet their nephew im sure

Horseinfoal

You are thinking in the right direction and you have waited long enough for a reply . I t is time you went for it and get it out of the system and get on with enjoying the growth and development of your beautiful child. I know your family and friends will agree 100% with whatever you do. GO FOR IT

Pat.90

Bluemarker I would like to add my tuppence if you don't mind, go slow I know 7 years is an age but you are nearly there follow Ghekko's and Hermys advice maybe try to get to know your BM's husband to get a gauge of his carrecter , I know that if I had'nt been honest with my wife from the start of our relationship it would be a deal breaker now, maybe not the end but seismic all the same, and that is where your BM needs help and maybe advice from other BM's out there who have been in similar situations , maybe put her in touch with this forum it could help with the isolation that she has backed herself into, I'll never forget the moment I first told a friend about my daughter as we shared a few drinks only for her to turn around and say "I have a son" nearly fell off my stool with shock, and delight to have someone who understood !! and who I could share my pride with and that is what your BM has missed out on so her fear of change is amplified, she needs someone to hold her hand and reassure her that this change is good, big steps may need a push but maybe she has a good friend whom her sisters know who could hold her hand, I truly wish you every success Pat.

goat2

bluemarker wrote: »

Its 7 years since my search began. I found out about my bm and ive 3 sisters. It turned out my sister was in same university and bumped into her in libruary and college bar but didnt say anything just hello. I was out for a meal with my partner and the waitress turned out to be my biological sister. Sureal experience but said nothing as i didnt want to cause hurt or pain to bm.
I rang bm on her mobile but she wouldnt talk. I met up with my biological aunties and had a very emotional meeting. We are still in contact and have a positive relationship. They have told their siblings (my cousins) about me. They are trying to talk to my bm for me but she feels she cant open herself as her new family dnt know.
I asked them to ask her who my bf is. she said that he didnt even know she was pregnant and has a new family himself.
What do i do. Continue waiting for another 7 years? Ive a 4 month old baby boy and would love my sisters to know that they are aunties and be proud as i am. Ive been putting everyone else first as to not step on anyones toes.
What is my next move?

Bluemarker

you have an auful lot done, it is great to be friends now with your aunts and to know that their children know of you, i dont think that another seven years will pass before this contact is made, there are too many people knowing so someone will let it out,
is your bm a young woman, are her children much younger than you, what is the age gap between you and them,