A life wasted

LegacyUser

When I finished school, I was the first in my family to go to university. I moved away, everyone was really proud of me, I was happy. It turned out to be the worst mistake I ever made - I couldn't keep a handle on my college work, hated my course, and after 3 years dropped out and moved home, to everyone's great disappointment.

I spent a while working and eventually decided to use the money I earned to become a mature student (I'm not 25) at a university in my home city. I'm doing OK at college, but I'm not happy. I'm 25 and still absolutely dependent on my parents. My sister and brother at home don't like me very much I think, which I don't blame them for because I don't like myself very much at the moment. I have no mode of transpot and no source of income while at college - when I'm not at college I work in the family business, but that seems like an excercise in famine wall building, provided more to keep me occupied and give me an excuse to get up in the morning than because I'm all that useful. I try really hard not to bother anyone but I always seem to get in everyone's way. I hear about old friends from school emigrating or getting jobs or getting married and what am I doing? Nothing - I'm a mature student who still lives with his parents (we live right next to the college I go to so it doesn't make sense to go anywhere until I get my degree - if I get my degree).

I've taken to drinking alone once or twice a week to get out of my own head. I know this is a bad road to take but at least when I'm drunk I don't hate myself. I don't know whether that counts as abusing alcohol - it doesn't feel like it but I'm not even sure anymore. I was in the airport recently and I had the strongest urge to just buy a 1 way ticket to somewhere, anywhere and get out of the hair of the people I love.

Thanks for reading. I know other people here have far worse problems than I have. I probably sound like a self-important ass - I'm not even sure why I wrote this but sometimes it helps to get things down on paper

charlietheminxx

OP things are hard right now but you shouldn't hate yourself. You should be proud of yourself for going back to college!

You and I are the same age, and I dropped out of my degree in second year. At least you had the courage to go back! I just upskilled a bit and started working. Now I earn feck-all money and am still living at home! You might be stuck there now, but when you have a degree, your opportunities for the future are going to be much less limited.

It's not supposed to be easy. But you are gaining work experience with your family (it's natural to feel a bit useless in the beginning, but I'm confident you'll settle in given some time). Families often rub each other up a bit if they're around eachother a lot, it's not uncommon and I wouldn't take it personally.

The main thing that worries me about your post, is how isolated you sound. Please knock the drinking alone on the head, it's just a temporary escape but it leads to a vicious cycle and you have a chance to put a stop to it before it spirals out of control.

Get out and socialise more. You need more in your life than JUST your degree and your family. You sound like a nice person who is really too hard on yourself, you're doing well in life, and at 25, we're still young Mistakes are part of life, you have to forgive yourself for them. So focus on what YOU want at the moment, leave time for your studies but find some people you enjoy being around and don't be sitting at home drinking to escape your problems, they're still there when you sober up.

Internet Hero

theres no big deal living with your parents and going to college at 25! theres no reason why you have to be doing certain things by a certain age, you are doing it your own way and we should all do that. you dropped your first course because you hated it. if you had kept that course and gotten a job in that area of work you would not be happy now, alot of people are like that so its actualy good that you followed a different path. it takes time to build a happy life and you are on the road to that i think.

oh and drop the drinking outside of socialising, bad road to go down! i drank too much the other day and im off it now, feel better already

good luck man

pragmatic1

Dude you're only 25, trust me thats still young. I was a mature student up until 28. It can be a hard graft but it's only for a few years. Don't be so hard on yourself.

thefeatheredcat

You have a tremendous amount of courage OP there are lots of people I've known in courses and colleges and jobs who are just in there because they're afraid of what other people will think or letting themselves or someone down or just the general issue of the fear of the unknown. You recognised you weren't happy and did something about it.

11950 wrote: »

I hear about old friends from school emigrating or getting jobs or getting married and what am I doing? Nothing - I'm a mature student who still lives with his parents (we live right next to the college I go to so it doesn't make sense to go anywhere until I get my degree - if I get my degree).

Never mind what other people are doing.... seriously. They're living their lives, which on the surface might be all nice and happy but the reality behind is often different. You're living your life. You are doing something, you're in college and have the goal of attaining a degree. There's no shame in taking the logical and practical decision of staying put at the family home when the college is right next door.

11950 wrote: »

I've taken to drinking alone once or twice a week to get out of my own head. I know this is a bad road to take but at least when I'm drunk I don't hate myself. I don't know whether that counts as abusing alcohol - it doesn't feel like it but I'm not even sure anymore. I was in the airport recently and I had the strongest urge to just buy a 1 way ticket to somewhere, anywhere and get out of the hair of the people I love.

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. But I would worry about the drinking... look it's easy to start once or twice a week to escape reality and the issues.... and it's easy for it to go way beyond that to have it consume you.

It sounds like you need some space from family? Have you thought about using the upcoming mid term break to do something different, just to get yourself a break from everything and do something different?

Outside of that have you thought about making your life more fulfilling with goals and plans in life? You say you have no transport, do you have a licence? How about making that a goal for you to achieve?

Danniboo

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. You do seem to be making things a whole lot worse with this constant self torture. First of all having a pity party every now and again is okay, but you need at some point to stop feeling like a victim and realise only you can change yourself. You want to finish your degree, be independant and not living at home and sponging off your parents. Would you consider looking for full time work and doing college part time? You could look at moving in to a house share.

Katgurl

All I can do is echo the other posters OP, you should be proud of yourself for doing what you're doing! I'm a mature student nearly 10 years older than you & people are always congratulating me for going back & investing in my future. Plus the 25 yo 'matures' really seem more like the school-leaving students.

Are you close with your family? Is there a way you can ask if your work in the family business is actually helpful or not? If not, i'm sure there is somethign else you could find to do. But perhaps you really are a big help and you are just giving yourself a hard time. There really is no benefit to feeling bad about yourself; it doesn't help anyone at all. You should stop. When you feel those negative thoughts creeping in, banish them!

Lastly, drinking to get out of your head is a terrible terrible idea. Stop that immediately and start jogging in the evening. You'll feel better in every way.

Lorna123

Hi OP, you had the courage to drop out of college because you hated it, so well done there, no harm done. You are now back studying, so congratulations, that's great. No shame in being dependent on your parents at 25, so get that out of your head. You would not be expected to have a mode of transport if you don't have a proper job yet. Stop thinking that your brother and sister don't like you, I am sure that this is not true. You have an aim, to get your degree, so that's something.

Hey, getting drunk once or twice a week is nothing to be ashamed of. We all need some kind of release. Most people of your age go out at the weekends and end up with a few pints, so forget feeling guilty about this, it is quite normal.

Please don't feel you are getting on anyone's nerves, I am sure you are not. You sound like a decent bloke to me.

You have an aim, you are studying, you are only 25, you are doing okay. Great stuff!

Seanchai

11950 wrote: »

When I finished school, I was the first in my family to go to university. I moved away, everyone was really proud of me, I was happy. It turned out to be the worst mistake I ever made - I couldn't keep a handle on my college work, hated my course, and after 3 years dropped out and moved home, to everyone's great disappointment.

I spent a while working and eventually decided to use the money I earned to become a mature student (I'm not 25) at a university in my home city. I'm doing OK at college, but I'm not happy. I'm 25 and still absolutely dependent on my parents. My sister and brother at home don't like me very much I think, which I don't blame them for because I don't like myself very much at the moment. I have no mode of transpot and no source of income while at college - when I'm not at college I work in the family business, but that seems like an excercise in famine wall building, provided more to keep me occupied and give me an excuse to get up in the morning than because I'm all that useful. I try really hard not to bother anyone but I always seem to get in everyone's way. I hear about old friends from school emigrating or getting jobs or getting married and what am I doing? Nothing - I'm a mature student who still lives with his parents (we live right next to the college I go to so it doesn't make sense to go anywhere until I get my degree - if I get my degree).

I've taken to drinking alone once or twice a week to get out of my own head. I know this is a bad road to take but at least when I'm drunk I don't hate myself. I don't know whether that counts as abusing alcohol - it doesn't feel like it but I'm not even sure anymore. I was in the airport recently and I had the strongest urge to just buy a 1 way ticket to somewhere, anywhere and get out of the hair of the people I love.

Thanks for reading. I know other people here have far worse problems than I have. I probably sound like a self-important ass - I'm not even sure why I wrote this but sometimes it helps to get things down on paper

25. You're only a kid still. You're probably going to live another 60 or 70 years so get down to making your world better for you. Dependency on parents is ephemeralL you will move beyond it. Stop worrying, and start working towards new goals. And stop thinking about whether or not things you do are embarrassing other people. There's no profit in that mentality for your mental health.

Danniboo

Lorna123 wrote: »

Hi OP, you had the courage to drop out of college because you hated it, so well done there, no harm done. You are now back studying, so congratulations, that's great. No shame in being dependent on your parents at 25, so get that out of your head. You would not be expected to have a mode of transport if you don't have a proper job yet. Stop thinking that your brother and sister don't like you, I am sure that this is not true. You have an aim, to get your degree, so that's something.

Hey, getting drunk once or twice a week is nothing to be ashamed of. We all need some kind of release. Most people of your age go out at the weekends and end up with a few pints, so forget feeling guilty about this, it is quite normal.

Please don't feel you are getting on anyone's nerves, I am sure you are not. You sound like a decent bloke to me.

You have an aim, you are studying, you are only 25, you are doing okay. Great stuff!

OP I wouldn't listen to that advice, going out drinking and having a good time once or twice a week as a social outlet is fine. Drinking alone as a coping mechanism is unhealthy and i think you know that yourself, and it's something that can become a bigger problem if you don't look at it.