Pregnant but don't want to tell ex

HappyGiggles

I recently found out that I am pregnant but as things ended badly and abruptly with my ex I don't want to contact him... Would you want to know your ex was pregnant with your child?? (we are in our late 30's/early 40's)

tinkerbell

Well how exactly did things end between you two? He deserves to know - what if he wants to be part of his child's life? He should be at least given the opportunity. Even if you don't tell him, chances are he may find out you are pregnant (tis not usually something you can conceal!) from someone else and put 2 and 2 together ...

eviltwin

Do the decent thing and tell him, he has the right to know as does your child to know his or her father. Things might have ended badly but you can at least try and be civil to each other can't you?

HappyGiggles

tinkerbell wrote: »

Well how exactly did things end between you two? He deserves to know - what if he wants to be part of his child's life? He should be at least given the opportunity. Even if you don't tell him, chances are he may find out you are pregnant (tis not usually something you can conceal!) from someone else and put 2 and 2 together ...

We had a disagreement, he picked me up wrong on something and walked out and haven't spoken to him since (a month ago)... I want my child to have someone who will be there for them and can rely on.

Prop Joe

Jesus Woman! let him know immediately that's very unfair to keep that from him.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there OP,

I appreciate you are probably still in shock but I just have a few points to make based on your posts so far:

While you may wish your childs father was X, Y or Z, I don't think you have the right to chose your child's father after the event if their actual father doesn't live up to expectation.

Regardless of whether you have a relationship with him, both he and his child deserve to have the option of having a relationship with each other.

I don't think you would have any right to withhold the information that he is a parent and I think you'd be doing a grave disservice to that child to stand between them and their father....one that could very well come back to bite you in the future.

All the very best, OP, either way it's a difficult situation to be in.

eviltwin

HappyGiggles wrote: »

We had a disagreement, he picked me up wrong on something and walked out and haven't spoken to him since (a month ago)... I want my child to have someone who will be there for them and can rely on.

Listen to yourself!!!

You sound like a 13 yr old rather than a grown woman. You had a fight, get over it and tell him. Unless he is some kind of total nutjob you have no right to keep this from him :mad:

HappyGiggles

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey there OP,

I appreciate you are probably still in shock but I just have a few points to make based on your posts so far:

While you may wish your childs father was X, Y or Z, I don't think you have the right to chose your child's father after the event if their actual father doesn't live up to expectation.

Regardless of whether you have a relationship with him, both he and his child deserve to have the option of having a relationship with each other.

I don't think you would have any right to withhold the information that he is a parent and I think you'd be doing a grave disservice to that child to stand between them and their father....one that could very well come back to bite you in the future.

All the very best, OP, either way it's a difficult situation to be in.

Thank you for your honest response. I still very much love the father of my baby, I don't want him to think that I am trying to trap him (even though this is something we had wanted at one point).

Ellsbells

Ok I understand better after your second point.

You love him and you really know he needs to know about the baby?!?!? Why not leave it a while to tell him. Take time to get your head around it as it must be a shock but do involve him before the baby arrives as its only fair. Is he a decent man??

Just take your time and most importantly congrats!!!! )

flowerchild

HappyGiggles wrote: »

I recently found out that I am pregnant but as things ended badly and abruptly with my ex I don't want to contact him... Would you want to know your ex was pregnant with your child?? (we are in our late 30's/early 40's)

Follow your instincts. If you don't want him to know, if you think he would be an unsettling absentee father and somewhat abusive to you, then simply be silent.

Taltos

OP - as complicated as this seems it is actually very simple.

Does your child deserve a chance to know their father once they are born?



Irrespective of your emotions which are bound to be a mess with the disagreement and him walking out you have to think beyond the now.
Contact him, tell him that you understand you don't have a future as a couple due to the argument and his actions but that he needs to know he is going to be a father and you want your child to have a chance of knowing him.

Now - he is going to react here. He will go through a range of emotions - shock / surprise / anger / hope / joy the whole gamut - so when you contact him start out by telling him that you have had a little bit of time to take this in and so want you both to agree not to talk for a few days to allow him to similarly deal with this news.

Can I also suggest that when you meet him (if that is how you choose to do this) have a friend with you for emotional support and even suggest he bring a mate - this is going to stir up a lot of emotion and you will need someone there just for you...

Pippy1976

Tell him. End of.

Big Bag of Chips

Personally, I think its something that you don't have a choice in. You are now pregnant. Whether you tell him or not he will actually be a father....

Do you honestly believe that is something you should let him go through life unaware of?

At the moment you're in shock. Get your own head around it, and as Taltos suggested, give him equal chance to get his head around it.

You can't tell him and then immediately expect him to be delighted. So once you tell him give him a few days/weeks whatever to adjust to the news, just like you've been doing. It's not an ideal situation but it's not impossible either.

Was his walking out, unusual and out of character for him? Do you think if you actually did speak to each other that you could work on your relationship again? Are you both just being stubborn and neither one willing to take the first step? (ie.. are you both as bad as each other?! )

This is something, that I feel, you don't have a choice in...

DeltaWhite

My friend was in a relationship for 4 years with a guy, it ended REALLY badly and they absolutely hated each other, after a drunken one nighter, she got pregnant. Now they are back with each other, she just had her baby boy and they have never been happier... TELL HIM!! He would hate you if you didnt tell him!! Congratulations

Roisy7

It's not about you anymore tbh.

It's about the child.

Put yourself in the child's shoes... Imagine if you were denied the chance to know your father because your mother had a fight with him.

IMO the only time parents should not be in their child's life is when the parent concerned is abusive- be that emotional, physical or sexual.

Is he abusive?

I'm sorry I really don't want to sound harsh but you have a duty not to screw this child up and you have to start now. It seems like you have some growing up to do in the next few months.

Good luck for the future OP and congrats on the baby.

LegacyUser

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Your feeliings for your ex, and your pregnancy are clouding your view from what i read, and having been through a similar situation, you are going to suffer much heartache if you cant seperate this baby, from your relationship with your ex.

The relationship (from what you say) is over at this point. You do have to tell him he is going to become a Dad. Even if he was not good to you, he may be a wonderful dad, the two are not mutually exclusive and you are not the one to judge anyway!

You also have to make it clear that you hold no expectations from him other than to be just that, a Dad to your baby. He will only feel 'trapped' if you expect a relationship from him so make it clear this isnt the case.
You will need to build a practical relationship from here, and if the relationship is over a month, and you havent been in touch over that period, the sooner you seperate your emotional attachment from him and your child, the better.
This sounds cold, and i am more than aware how difficult this is to do, but shared parenting a child with an ex is NOT easy and even less so while there are unrequithed emotions floating around.
Take time to yourself to organise your thoughts, when you tell him, just be clear on your expectations of him and if in time, a relationship develops, wonderful! But it cant be forced because of a pregnancy anyway!

Best of luck i hope you find happiness and enjoy your new addition!

curlzy

I disagree.

Why should men automatically get the choice? The choice to be involved or not? You don't have a choice, unless you want to go all the way to the UK to get a very expensive medical procedure you don't actually have a choice here in Ireland. So you're having this baby and you're going to be a mother, you can't control that. However, you can control who else is involved and if you don't want the father around then don't tell him.

You can deal with it later on if the child asks to see it's fater and you should allow them to contact him if they choose to at that stage but at the end of the day; your uterus, your baby, your choice.

If I thought someone was going to be a ****ty father I would have zero qualms about cutting him out by simpley not informing him of his impending parenthood.

charlietheminxx

curlzy wrote: »

I disagree.

Why should men automatically get the choice? The choice to be involved or not? You don't have a choice, unless you want to go all the way to the UK to get a very expensive medical procedure you don't actually have a choice here in Ireland. So you're having this baby and you're going to be a mother, you can't control that. However, you can control who else is involved and if you don't want the father around then don't tell him.

You can deal with it later on if the child asks to see it's fater and you should allow them to contact him if they choose to at that stage but at the end of the day; your uterus, your baby, your choice.

If I thought someone was going to be a ****ty father I would have zero qualms about cutting him out by simpley not informing him of his impending parenthood.

Someone being a stroppy boyfriend does not mean they will be a terrible parent, unless as someone said above, they are abusive.

You cannot just decide this father has no rights to his child. He helped make it, it is genetically half his. The OP states at one point a baby was very much wanted..... why should he not know that he is going to be a father when he may have long hoped for this?

If the OP was having a termination, then yes, it is her body and her choice. But she isn't. She's having a baby, and the baby who has two living parents. It is NOT the mother's right to choose whether her baby gets to have a dad or not. It would be unfair to both the father and the child.

It is not just her baby, it is their baby.

OP you know you owe it to your ex and your child to be honest here. It would be so much worse for this to come out later.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and best of luck.

curlzy

charlietheminxx wrote: »

Someone being a stroppy boyfriend does not mean they will be a terrible parent, unless as someone said above, they are abusive.

You cannot just decide this father has no rights to his child. He helped make it, it is genetically half his. The OP states at one point a baby was very much wanted..... why should he not know that he is going to be a father when he may have long hoped for this?

If the OP was having a termination, then yes, it is her body and her choice. But she isn't. She's having a baby, and the baby who has two living parents. It is NOT the mother's right to choose whether her baby gets to have a dad or not. It would be unfair to both the father and the child.

It is not just her baby, it is their baby.

OP you know you owe it to your ex and your child to be honest here. It would be so much worse for this to come out later.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and best of luck.

Why is all that a comment on my advice? You know that's against the P/I charter right?

charlietheminxx

Not at all, I'm merely disagreeing and offering my take on it to the OP. But please, if you have a problem, by all means point it out to a Mod.

Sorry for being off topic OP, but my advice still stands as above.

ElleEm

curlzy wrote: »

I disagree.

Why should men automatically get the choice? The choice to be involved or not? You don't have a choice, unless you want to go all the way to the UK to get a very expensive medical procedure you don't actually have a choice here in Ireland. So you're having this baby and you're going to be a mother, you can't control that. However, you can control who else is involved and if you don't want the father around then don't tell him.

You can deal with it later on if the child asks to see it's fater and you should allow them to contact him if they choose to at that stage but at the end of the day; your uterus, your baby, your choice.

If I thought someone was going to be a ****ty father I would have zero qualms about cutting him out by simpley not informing him of his impending parenthood.

The father of the baby "automatically gets the choice" as he is as much of a parent to the unborn baby as she is!!! It is ridiculous to think otherwise.

OP, think about it from his perspective- if the tables were turned, would YOU want to know if you were going to become a parent??

I agree with most of the other posters here, your ex has a right to know about this child. If he chooses not to be involved, then at least you know he is a sh!t father, but give him the chance to know his child.

eviltwin

curlzy wrote: »

I disagree.

Why should men automatically get the choice? The choice to be involved or not? You don't have a choice, unless you want to go all the way to the UK to get a very expensive medical procedure you don't actually have a choice here in Ireland. So you're having this baby and you're going to be a mother, you can't control that. However, you can control who else is involved and if you don't want the father around then don't tell him.

You can deal with it later on if the child asks to see it's fater and you should allow them to contact him if they choose to at that stage but at the end of the day; your uterus, your baby, your choice.

If I thought someone was going to be a ****ty father I would have zero qualms about cutting him out by simpley not informing him of his impending parenthood.

Such an angry post.

We don't know why they split up but as others have said unless he is a potential danger to the child there is no reason why a ****ty boyfriend can't make a great dad.

And it could be a good thing for the OP, its tough being a single parent, you need all the help and support you can get and its great to have someone to take the baby if you want a bit of "me time".

Pippy1976

Dad's have as much right as mums... it's incorrect to say that they shouldn't get a choice (@Curlzy : "Why should men automatically get the choice? The choice to be involved or not? You don't have a choice")

Every dad deserves the choice... as much as the mum. This country needs to get with the programme regarding this idea that Dad's are second class citizens when it comes to custody.

Rubbish. Total rubbish. Tell him.

Roisy7

curlzy wrote: »

I disagree.

Why should men automatically get the choice? The choice to be involved or not? You don't have a choice, unless you want to go all the way to the UK to get a very expensive medical procedure you don't actually have a choice here in Ireland. So you're having this baby and you're going to be a mother, you can't control that. However, you can control who else is involved and if you don't want the father around then don't tell him.

You can deal with it later on if the child asks to see it's fater and you should allow them to contact him if they choose to at that stage but at the end of the day; your uterus, your baby, your choice.

If I thought someone was going to be a ****ty father I would have zero qualms about cutting him out by simpley not informing him of his impending parenthood.

Again this is about the child NOT her.

Everyone has a right to know both their parents.

She's obv going to keep the baby so the termination argument (which I actually agree with you on) is irrelevant.

We only have her side on this so how do you know he'll be a ****ty father?! She hasn't said anything about it.

Sure if he's violent or whatever, yes, don't tell him but depriving a child of its father simply because two adults don't have the maturity to get on us shocking and will damage the child.

I'm the daughter of a single mother and I have a good relationship with my dad so I know the importance of having both parents in your life.

dellas1979

I think the choice you may make is based on your own feelings towards him right now.

But its not you any more, its based on whats best for the child also.

There are so many kids out there with no parents, or one parent. And it is hard on them (and the one parent).

You cant take away someones choice (unless as said already he is a threath to you and the child/protection). For any other purpose, its just not right.

If you do choose not to tell him, when the child asks, and they will, could you look your child in the eye and tell them that the reason they dont know their father was based solely on your feelings towards him? Because you didnt think their father was worth it because of an argument at the time?
To the child, thats like saying they werent worth it.

You are already creating problems for yourself in the future there.

Neyite

dellas1979 wrote: »

I think the choice you may make is based on your own feelings towards him right now.

But its not you any more, its based on whats best for the child also.

There are so many kids out there with no parents, or one parent. And it is hard on them (and the one parent).

You cant take away someones choice (unless as said already he is a threath to you and the child/protection). For any other purpose, its just not right.

If you do choose not to tell him, when the child asks, and they will, could you look your child in the eye and tell them that the reason they dont know their father was based solely on your feelings towards him? Because you didnt think their father was worth it because of an argument at the time?
To the child, thats like saying they werent worth it.

You are already creating problems for yourself in the future there.

I agree - I think that you have the argument in the forefront of your mind right now and thats why you dont want your ex to know you are having his baby - that you are still mad at him. Unless it was something life-changing you fought about, he is still the same man that you were happily considering having a child with (granted, that was in the context and security of a loving relationship, but the point still stands.)

I think that he hurt you by storming out a month ago and leaving you out of the loop as to where your relationship stood, and now that you find yourself holding the power, you want to do the same to him - how do you envision if you dont tell him about the baby that he is likely to find out? Bumping into you in the street? Through a friend? You KNOW for him to find out this way would hurt him, and thats why you are considering it.

You will come off better in this if you tell him. Calmly tell him that you are pregnant and how you would like to proceed, and what you expect/dont expect from him. Be fair to him, even if you really dont want to be - you will look back and see that you acted respectfully and maturely. Not telling him feeds into childish games, and you are both adults here.

HeyThereDeliah

HappyGiggles wrote: »

I recently found out that I am pregnant but as things ended badly and abruptly with my ex I don't want to contact him... Would you want to know your ex was pregnant with your child?? (we are in our late 30's/early 40's)

Tell him and let him decide what he wants to do. If he wants to support you during and after the pregnancy then it's his choice.
I know you don't want him to feel like you are asking him but he has to know.

flowerchild

You don't have to do or tell him anything. Take your time, don't rush, decide who you want in your life and in your child's life.

Once you tell him then you are tied together for the forseeable future and that may not be in your best interests or your child's best interests.

Katgurl

This is not about you and he anymore it's about the three of you. I think he is entitled to know. He may not have been a great boyfriend but this is a new sort of relationship you're entering into now. That baby deserves a father an he deserves chance to be a father.

Lorrs33

He walked out on her over something that seems to sound trivial, and he hasn't been in contact. Please don't accuse the OP of being childish because this guy has left without a word and has no idea she's pregnant because he CLEARLY doesn't care. That's childish, he's waiting for her to come crawling back to him. She should tell him, yes, but when he's ready to grow up.

Ickle Magoo

Thread locked as OP has shown they want to disengage with the forum/this thread by closing their account.