Must having children be a dealbreaker?

LegacyUser

I’ve seen some good advice here over the years. Hopefully some of you can give me some perspective on my problem. I’m not expecting anyone to sort it out though. It is one of those really crap ones!

Myself (late thirties) and my boyfriend (late forties) are currently on a break after going out for a year. The reason for the break is to try and decide if our differing opinion about whether to have children or not must be a dealbreaker. I think I would like to try for a family some day (was hoping to do so within a year or two with him!). He says he doesn’t want to have his own children ever.

We made a great couple and are both devastated by the idea of breaking up. As are my family and his family who were so happy to see us together. Both of us had been single for a long time before we got together.

So my question is, does the choice to have children or not always have to be a deal breaker in a relationship? Is there any way a couple can work through this? EVERYTHING else is great in our relationship.

hoodwinked

i think the reason it becomes a deal breaker is the fact,

with everything else in life you can compromise or have one of you partake and the other not,


but with a child there is no compromise,


you can't have a child with out your partner also being effected,

its not something you can compromise on, you cannot give back a child if things don't work out.

so who gives?

if you somehow end up pregnant with his child, you are willingly going against what he wants, and he may leave you and you are without a doubt doing the worst thing imaginable to him, forcing him to be a father against his wishes.


if you give up the chance to have children you may resent him for the rest of your life. or spend your life mourning the lack of children.


these are both worse case scenarios as usually the easier option is to find someone who wants children too.

but this issue is a dealbreaker because it is a life changing decision either path you take.

Ellsbells

Op sadly someone has to comprise. You need to decide if leaving him to meet someone else in time to have kids is worth the risk. Will you meet someone? Will they want kids? Can he / you have kids?

It all really depends how much you want a child?? It's a lonely seat up be in.

ncmc

Hi OP, unfortunately no-one can answer the question except you. As you know, there is no such thing as a compromise in this issue, you cannot have half a baby. One of you is going to have to capitulate about having kids.

You say he is in his late 40’s? At this stage, I would say it is unlikely that he will change his mind about having kids. He has got to this age of his life without having kids and it sounds like he is pretty definite about not wanting them now. If he didn’t want them when he was younger, he’s not going to change his mind now and face the prospect of being a much older father.

I think the language in your post is interesting, about your own desires you say

I think I would like to try for a family some day

Sounds like you aren’t fully made up in your own mind if you want a family or not. But yet about him you say

He says he doesn’t want to have his own children ever

That sounds pretty definite to me.

It comes down to the fact that you have to decide if a relationship with this man is worth the sacrifice of not having children. Will you always resent him and blame him for the fact that you are childless? Unfortunately only you can answer these questions.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but if you are late 30’s, even if you split up with this man, you may have to face the fact that you won’t meet someone else in time to have children. I know it sounds awful, but it is the sad fact that for women, it gets increasingly difficult to have children after the age of 40. You say you were single for quite a while before this man, so you know how difficult it can be to meet someone. Would you be willing to down the route of a sperm doner if it came to it and raise a child as a single mother? I don’t mean to sound negative, but these are all factors you need to consider.

On the other hand, maybe you would be happy enough not to have children. Plenty of people chose this option and are perfectly happy with their lives.

I guess only you can decide if you would be happy never to have children. It’s not an easy decision to make, I wish you the best of luck.

stargazer 68

ncmc wrote: »

I know this is going to sound harsh, but if you are late 30’s, even if you split up with this man, you may have to face the fact that you won’t meet someone else in time to have children. I know it sounds awful, but it is the sad fact that for women, it gets increasingly difficult to have children after the age of 40. You say you were single for quite a while before this man, so you know how difficult it can be to meet someone. Would you be willing to down the route of a sperm doner if it came to it and raise a child as a single mother?
.

I have to agree with this OP. Also not meaning to sound harsh - you may not be able to have children - another thing to consider.

You have been with this man a year and took a long time to meet him (if I read your post correctly). How long will it take to meet someone new and have a child with him. You need to weigh it all up and decide if this man is the right man for you.

LegacyUser

Just a quick message to say thank you so much for your replies so far. I have discussed this situation a lot with family and friends, but it's good to get strangers' views too! Keep them coming...

Nothing "harsh" about what anybody has said. I have a lot of things to weigh up and would like to get people's honest opinions and as many different viewpoints as possible. There is no point in not being honest in this situation. It is probably the most difficult decision I will ever have to make and whichever decision I take could be the wrong / right one, depending on what fate has in store for me over the next 10 years.

The joys of being in love!

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm feeling you, this is a toughey. I'm the opposite though, I really really really amn't pushed with having kids, they smell, they're cheeky, they're expensive, they're time consuming, they're noisey etc. My fiancee on the other hand though turns into a puddle of goo around babies and kids, absolutely loves them so he does :rolleyes:

He knows how I feel and I know how he feels and we've decided that we'll figure it out as we go along. He says as long as he has me he's happy and doesn't mind if we don't have any. TBH though I think I will have one in the end. I'm banking on hormones and instincts taking over in the next while to make kids seem more fun. Either way I just don't think it would sit with me to not have kids as he really really wants them and I think you'd regret not having them more than you'd regret having them.

Sorry, just realised that's no help whatsoever, well maybe a bit in that you realise you're not the only one with this issue. It is hard.

Best of luck.

Ellsbells

The other thing to think about is your future with him. Will this break you apart? I know a girl who stayed with a man who didnt want to have kids and they broke up when she was 46. He had kids from before and she had really wanted them but gave up on her dream for him. Now she has neither.

Gooner111

Hey OP.

My last relationship ended for this reason - should have ended for plenty of others but this topic was the clincher!. I have two beautiful girls. I wouldn't change that for the world but I never wanted kids. I already had my first daughter when I got with the ex. I told her early and often that more kids was not for me. She was happy with that and said she could live with it. A few years in and she wanted kids, we hadn't even lived together yet. Circumstances went against me and she had a surprise for me!

We had a daughter. At this point I make it clear I am done with kids. I have two now and don't want anymore. Jump forward a few years and she demands, not asks discusses etc, demands a baby. We fight and it was left unresolved. It was a very rough year for us. So the topic comes up again as her coil is due for renewal. We talk and even though I have been clear she tells me she assumed I'd change my mind, especially after already having one with her and that she has always wanted a big family. I said No again and she ended the relationship so she can a chance to have more babies.

So unless you can get over your urges then long term I'd be surprised if it lasts - Sorry. You want kids. That feeling will keep at you. In a few years you could end up resenting him for not wanting any.

tinkerbell

Hi OP, really there is nobody who can answer this question for you, it has to be yourself. Which to you is more important - (a) the man you are with or (b) having children. If you cannot bear to live without your man, then that is your answer. If you simply must have kids, and your man comes second to that, well it's time to move on.

LegacyUser

OP here again. I’ve finally had some time now to look properly at your posts. Thank you all again for your thoughtful replies!

A few things to mention:
No, I have no intention of ever having an ‘accident’. If I decide to stay with my boyfriend and he hasn’t changed his point of view it will have to be completely on the basis of never having children with him and sticking to that plan.
The resentment thing I certainly need to think about. If I were to stay with my boyfriend I know I would have to work hard to make sure that didn’t creep in.
Yes, I’m not sure of the chances of me meeting someone else, so breaking up is a big risk. I haven’t had a lot of relationships and the companionship of this one has really been great. The expression ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’ is one of my most hated. It was true in my twenties (when I had no sense!). Not now, unfortunately.
Regarding me not having children, I had resigned myself to that during my single years as I went through my thirties. It would be in the back of my mind that it would be nice to have my own children but it was never this mad urge that I have seen other women have. I was never tempted to go the single mother route, for example, just so I would have a child.

Mmmm, there’s lots to think about ...

nowyouresix

I think it is a dealbreaker, my last relationship broke up over it....he wanted kids in the future, I've had mine, and can't have anymore, so he called it a day.

It's a very difficult one...
Best of luck !

a posse ad esse

You are the one that has to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you because it may not be for others. Do you want a future without any children? Do you really love this person and willing to sacrifice not having children just to be with him? If the answer is no, than it is a dealbreaker for you.

I know of one couple where one partner accepted not having children to be with this person. They were together for 10 years then one day it happened out of the blue. Her sister and BIL died in an accident and she became an impromptu parent to her nephews. So needless to say, the husband that did not want children became the new father to his orphaned nephews. He did not up and leave a healthy and happy marriage because three young boys showed up. She stayed with him from the beginning sacrificing not having kids and he stuck by her side with three young kids. As far as I know, he adopted them.

cafecolour

Yeah, it's absolutely a deal breaker, perhaps the biggest. At least past a certain age, people rarely change their mind about wanting/not wanting children.

However, if you really want a child, you might have to become accustomed to the idea of becoming a single mother, instead of waiting around for someone who might never come.

HeyThereDeliah

How important is being a mother to you OP?
This is the question only you can answer, he has made his feelings clear and he will not change his mind.
Is their any reason he is against having a family with you?

Ellsbells

Its more important to know what long term viability this relationship has? Are you going to get married? have you discussed the future? There is no point giving up your dream of having kids for a half baked relationship?

It also depends (and I know the stats people about pregnancies after 35) where you are in your late 30's? Even trying to get pregnant at 36 is easier than at 39.

Lorna123

Have you discussed marriage OP or did you just say that you wanted a child and he said no. Could he be using this as an excuse to finish the relationship? You have only been going out a year. My feeling is that he should have told you this before this relationship developed.

LegacyUser

Again, thank you very much for your replies. They are really helping me think!

HeyThereDeliah – I actually don’t know how important it is for me to be a mother. I haven’t had to think about that before. This is the first time I have been with a man I felt I might have children with. I know, very bad timing! I love children and I have a lot of children in my life already. The question for me to answer is do I need to have my own or is it enough for me to have other people’s children in my life.

Ellsbells – As you can imagine it’s too early to discuss marriage, but we have spoken about growing old together. We had a very open and frank conversation about this when the subject of going on a break came up. And I don’t think he was just saying that to keep me onside. He is totally prepared to give me up if I decide to follow my dream and try and find someone else to have children with.

Lorna123 – I don’t think it’s an excuse to finish the relationship. He had mentioned to me early on that he didn’t want children. I probably should have run then, but remember I had been single for a long time before I met him … and I don’t regret a moment I spent with him. It’s been the most open, honest, fun relationship I have ever been in. Which is why it would be very difficult to call it a day.

As I said in my OP, I’m not expecting any of you to sort this out for me, but your thoughts and stories are very welcome and very helpful!

Stavro Mueller

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

How important is being a mother to you OP?
This is the question only you can answer, he has made his feelings clear and he will not change his mind.
Is there any reason he is against having a family with you?

Maybe because he's in his late forties and doesn't want to be an old father?

As for your original question, there is no simple answer. You're dealing with so many unknowns here. Such as: if you do break up, will you meet someone in time? Even if you do, are you going to have trouble conceiving? Can you see yourself with your OH happy but childless? None of us can answer these questions unfortunately.

Ellsbells

I think I would need a commitment from someone before I would consider giving up kids for him. You don't have that even. If you stay with him on his terms the chances are you will have neither him or kids. Sorry op

Lorna123

I think myself that I would be a bit concerned that he is prepared to walk away from the woman he loves because he does not want to please her by having a child. So why would you want to stay with someone who is not prepared to fulfil your dreams when they know it is very important to you. You are now contemplating on staying with him and playing it his way, why ? If I were in this situation I would break up with this guy and try and find someone else who wants children. You still have a few years to play around with. I think you would be regretting this if you didn't at least try. It is okay to never have children if you never get the opportunity but at least leave yourself open to the opportuntiy if this is what you want. Don't cut yourself off by agreeing to this relationship on his terms.

Ellsbells

I agree with lorna. You have already broken up and he is willing to let you go... That's not good op.

Stavro Mueller

Lorna123 wrote: »

I think myself that I would be a bit concerned that he is prepared to walk away from the woman he loves because he does not want to please her by having a child. So why would you want to stay with someone who is not prepared to fulfil your dreams when they know it is very important to you.

I wouldn't quite agree with this to be honest. It'd be his child too and something that'd affect his life. If he doesn't want children, then he's entitled not to want them. It doesn't necessarily mean he's not committed to the OP. He just doesn't want kids. It's not a crime not to want kids.

okiss

At the moment you are taking a brake from each other to decide what do to in the future - do you stay together without children or do you both move on?
You are now in your late 30's and you have told us that you are happy with this man who is older than you despite the fact he does not want children.
At this stage you need to decide what do you want in your own right and not just go along with him as you enjoy being part of a couple.

In the early days of your relationship he told you I don't want children which I could understand as it is a big step for any couple.
This man knows your age and is unwilling to have a child with you. It shows that he like being part of a couple but only on his terms. Why should you stay with someone who is unwilling to take into consideration that due to your age this may be the only time you could have a baby?
I would tell him that you want to try for a baby and it he is unwilling to do this for you that you will end the relationship.
I would be unwilling to stay with someone who fails to understand that this could be my only chance to have a family.
I watched someone I know spend years with a man who did not want a family. She hoped he would change his mind. She is now in her mid 40's on her own with no family.

Stavro Mueller

If you look around 7 posts above this one, you'll see that this guy isn't giving the OP the runaround. He has said he doesn't want kids. He told her early on he didn't want them and he's prepared to give her up if she wants to follow her dream. I don't know what else he can do.

I think too that his age shouldn't be discounted. Not every late fortysomething wants to embark on fatherhood at an age when their peers have kids leaving the nest. Nor having to run after teenagers when he's a pensioner and putting them through college. Having kids would be a massive disruption to his life as well as the OP's and if he doesn't want kid, he doesn't want them.

So really the only person with the decision here is the OP.

sam34

Lorna123 wrote: »

I think myself that I would be a bit concerned that he is prepared to walk away from the woman he loves because he does not want to please her by having a child. So why would you want to stay with someone who is not prepared to fulfil your dreams when they know it is very important to you. You are now contemplating on staying with him and playing it his way, why?

lol. you are "concerned" that he is prepared to end the relationship rather than compromise in this HUGE life-altering issue, which he has always been upfront about, yet you are advising her to do the exact same, walk rather than compromise her desires. why should he stay with someone who is not prepared to "fulfil his dreams", and indeed who is seeking to destroy them by bringing in something he has always been clear that he does not want??

why is it a concern that he would do this yet a good idea for her? sauce for the goose and all that.

I think having children is a deal breaker if either party has strong feelings on the matter, which both here seem to do. its generally non-negotiable. it's a decision which will effect someone to their dying day. this isn't a "will we go abroad this year or just go to connemara?" type decision, it's got huge ramifications. and as much as the op is entitled to want children, her partner is equally entitled to not want them. and either party trying to demand the other one changes their mind, or goes along with the others decision just to suit them is selfish, IMO. so, yes, it's a deal breaker.

Distorted

I think you have some important decisions to make OP. Is having children more important to you than the companionship this man offers you? If so, are you prepared to go all out to meet someone or get pregnant asap, because biologically, time is running out for you? Are you prepared to risk being single for a long time again and throwing away this relationship because of your desire to have children? Do you think, even if you did meet someone else to have a relationship with, they would commit quickly enough to your desire to have children?

You have only been seeing this man for a year. In most relationships, this would be very soon to have children. Obviously your biological clock is ticking, but I think your boyfriend has been perfectly honest and reasonable with you. He may change his mind as the relationship develops, who knows. (it may of course be too late for you then).

There are some people who see creating a family as the most important thing they can get out of a relationship, there are others who are there primarily to be with that individual and their companionship. Out of that, a desire to have children may grow. Its kind of the chicken and the egg, which comes first?

HeyThereDeliah

Lorna123 wrote: »

I think myself that I would be a bit concerned that he is prepared to walk away from the woman he loves because he does not want to please her by having a child. So why would you want to stay with someone who is not prepared to fulfil your dreams when they know it is very important to you. You are now contemplating on staying with him and playing it his way, why ? If I were in this situation I would break up with this guy and try and find someone else who wants children. You still have a few years to play around with. I think you would be regretting this if you didn't at least try. It is okay to never have children if you never get the opportunity but at least leave yourself open to the opportuntiy if this is what you want. Don't cut yourself off by agreeing to this relationship on his terms.

I see where you are coming from but compromise is something most relationships have to work on, as much as the op wants a family her partner doesn't so where do you go from here.
He might have broken up with her because he loves her and wants her to meet someone who will want a family.
I don't think she is agreeing on anything she loves him and love is not something you can switch on and off, she might regret not having kids but she night regret leaving him more.

OP it's a hard choice to make but go with what your heart is telling you.

thefeatheredcat

angry with the planets wrote: »

Yes, I’m not sure of the chances of me meeting someone else, so breaking up is a big risk. I haven’t had a lot of relationships and the companionship of this one has really been great. The expression ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’ is one of my most hated. It was true in my twenties (when I had no sense!). Not now, unfortunately.
Regarding me not having children, I had resigned myself to that during my single years as I went through my thirties. It would be in the back of my mind that it would be nice to have my own children but it was never this mad urge that I have seen other women have. I was never tempted to go the single mother route, for example, just so I would have a child

OP I don't know if I can add to anything already said that may be of any help.

I'm rather passive about having kids, I'm really quite on the fence with it and never really had the urge to have a baby and tbh haven't had much luck with relationships either. Having children has been at the back of my mind for years, but never anything I saw being a reality for me.

I've 2 nephews (and a 3rd on the way) and I've been involved with them since babies from nappy changing to dealing with cuts and falls and birthdays and school work and even advice on bullying.

You say you love children.... and I take it you probably have nieces/nephews or younger cousins or friends with children, so you've had some involvement in their lives.

When I was a lot younger with the younger of my nephews and he was like 18 months or something I was minding him and lots of people complimented me on "my child" and many people have said I'd make a great mother.... which I found hard to take mainly because tbh I don't really see that happening for me and didn't then either. Thought it was a nice idea and that and yeah... but just not happening in my life. That particular nephew at that time and I grew quite a strong bond in that he would take comfort and be happy with me and look to me as his mother and not his mother... for the sake of my sister I had to take a step back as I wasn't his mother.

What fulfilment I get as an Aunt it does make up for not having a child but lately I've found myself feeling a little bit differently, mainly because locally I walk through a park where there is a playground and see all these parents with their kids. In part I want that to be me..... but someday.

What I've recalled today reading your thread was someone I was involved with who was quite insecure about children and intimacy.... sex didn't happen in that relationship simply because of the fact before it was even initiated they wanted me to promise that if I got pregnant (even with contraception in use) I would have an abortion which I couldn't promise that because I wouldn't know how I felt. At that particular time I hadn't thought about children in a long time and was not really that interested in thinking about children either and just wanted to enjoy being with that person without thinking such serious thoughts, but it only came into play because of some personal issues this guy had.

For me, I like the fact I have the option to have children and even past that time physically would be open to adoption. But as I've said, I'm quite passive about having children in general because I don't see it actually happening, for the lack or relationships and because I haven't found someone that was on the same page or even open to discussing having a child in a crisis and discussing options. I suppose I always thought myself to be in a committed relationship and married before wanting children as ideally for me, it would be within the confines of a marriage to have a child. Outside of it or as a lone parent I'm not that pushed.

But to not have that option for me would be a deal breaker. Nature and time is one thing but to know that partner even for all the pluses of the relationship and compatibility I don't think I could. I've found that as an aunt you can celebrate a lot but as proud as I might be of accomplishments of my nephews and the people they are, they're my nephews and not my sons. That for me makes a difference.

In your situation he doesn't want children, if you were both 10 years younger that answer would still be the same.

I think as posters have already said, it's only you that can answer if it really is a deal breaker for you. Yes I think it's hard and quite sad actually you're even in this situation and a perfect relationship would be hard to walk away from because really there isn't a compromise to make at all. The only other aspect I can suggest is to role reverse in opinions that it was you against having a child because in the same way that other posters have stated you couldn't possibly (and I gather from your posts, you actually wouldn't) force a child upon him he as equally couldn't force you to have a child in a reversed situation if you did not want to have one and he did.

Outside of that really it is the weighing up of the relationship you can have without children and if you will be happy and fulfilled in life or not and perhaps time around deliberately with those who have children and a direct input might help you assess your situation.

LegacyUser

I've been following this thread with interest. Again, I think only you know the right answer to this.

I'm a woman of 38, am single and have been for quite a while. I guess I vaguely thought that some day I'd have kids but here I am, single, childless and all too aware of my age. At this stage, if I was lucky enough to meet a man I connected with, I'd happily scrap the idea of having kids and settle for what you had. It's not easy to meet men once you get into your late 30s and naturally, if you did split permanently from your boyfriend you'd be taking an enormous risk. I'm not suggesting that you won't meet another man, have a great relationship and have your kids with him. but really, how likely is it that that will happen? You were happy with your boyfriend up until this and that sort of companionship isn't always easy to find. Not having children doesn't necessarily mean you'll be unfulfilled and unhappy.

Tread carefully my friend and I hope whatever decision you come to, you'll be happy with it.

StillWaters

Does your partner already have children OP?

Esel

angry with the planets wrote: »

He says he doesn’t want to have his own children ever.

Presumably he has given you his reasons for his position. Can you tell us what they are?

Jack B. Badd

Esel wrote: »

Presumably he has given you his reasons for his position. Can you tell us what they are?

I can't speak for the OP's OH but as a ChildFree person, sometimes the reason is simply "because I don't want to have children" and whatever others may think about that reason, for the person in question it's perfectly valid.

OP, imo children are the ultimate dealbreaker for a relationship if one person is ChildFree and the other wants them. From the sounds of it, you are more On The Fence than dead-set for having children but if he doesn't want them and you want to keep your options open, I think you will have to treat this relationship as one that won't work. You could acquiesce to his wishes or he could to yours but there's no compromise in this situation and one of you will end up unhappy if you stay together.

LegacyUser

Me here again. I am truly grateful for all your posts. I wasn’t expecting to get so many different opinions! And thank you all for reading carefully what I wrote. As you can see there is no playing games or manipulation involved in this discussion between myself and my boyfriend, just a very unfortunate difference of opinion regarding what the future should hold.

As regards my boyfriend’s reasons for not wanting children it is mainly his age and also the fact that he has lived so many years childless and therefore able to come and go as he pleases. In his twenties and thirties he would have considered having children if the right partner had come along. She didn’t! He also likes children and is very good with them. He even considers he would make a good father and that myself and himself would be a good mother/father team. HOWEVER, he still doesn’t want his own children. He had decided this before meeting me, and meeting me did not make any difference to his decision (the one thing I find a bit strange in all of this). I think fear of the unknown is a big part of this. He has been so much in control of his life up until now and is a very capable man. I think the idea of something so life-changing as having children is just too scary for him. I, on the other hand, would be mad for that adventure. I think! (Today I am more on the having children side of things having spent the afternoon in town watching couples wandering around with their children...)

Anyway, thank you very much boardsies for helping me on my journey to a decision. Wish me luck!

Esel

Had a post composed in reply to Jack B. Badd, but after reading the OP's post directly after it I decided it was off-topic.

@OP: Good luck with whatever happens. I hope you find fulfillment and happiness.

Jack B. Badd

angry with the planets wrote: »

He had decided this before meeting me, and meeting me did not make any difference to his decision (the one thing I find a bit strange in all of this).

I think I understand this. I recently had my tubes tied & due to my age & lack of children, I had to discuss my decision with several medical professionals so that they were confident that I was making an informed choice & the right one for me. One question that kept coming up was "what if you start a relationship in the future with a man who wanted children, would you not change your mind?". This was something that I had considered before I spoke to any of them. My honest answer was always "no, I wouldn't change my mind, not for my current partner nor some future one". I acknowledge that I probably would make a good mother if so inclined but I'm not. I want myself & my partner to be happy together but I genuinely don't think that I (and therefore we) would be if we had children. My perfect man, my perfect relationship, they don't feature children so it would never occur to me that it should affect my feelings on having children or my choices related to that.

Obviously my situation's different from your OH's, but to me it sounds like he is resolutely ChildFree & I can relate to his decision being steadfast even in the face of a new relationship. I hope that makes sense OP & helps you see it from his POV.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

My apologies if this isn't the done thing but I wanted to write a quick update on this situation that I was in a few years ago. And to say a big 'thank you' to those strangers on Boards who posted and helped me get through a dark period in my life.

My boyfriend did a lot of soul searching about his reasons for not wanting children. He eventually, after a few months, decided being with me was more important than his wish not to have children. We got married and we are now expecting our first child. And my husband is very excited!

I just thought, coming up to Christmas, a bit of good news would be nice.

Thanks again to all who posted. The kindness of strangers can be a wonderful thing.