Dad dying and have issues to resolve

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm going anonymous for this one.

So, as the thread title suggest, my Dad is in his last few months. Something came up recently that showed him in quite a bad light. I cant really get into the details, but essentially I have worked very hard on building a relationship with him, and letting bygones be bygones. I did this specifically for my own kids, so they have a good close relationship with their grandad and his wife (MIL). They both love kids.

Recently he gave me a big lecture about this and that, again I dont want to get into the details, and it seems to me now that he takes no real responsibility for any of the effects of his actions in the past. I just cant get over this. I am livid, furious, deeply hurt by it. How f***ing dare he just brush the past away when he caused us so much hurt and damage.

Since then I have been wracking my brains. I have to have it out with him. But doing so will have the MIL on my case, and that's a dangerous thing. But if I dont have it out with him I will end up hating him to the grave.

It's all really complex. As family things tend to be. But I wonder if people have been in a situation where they have had to bring up stuff with someone who is dying that is going to be very hurtful for the dying party, and potentially will jeopardise the relationship with him, or more likely the relationship with the MIL. The added complexity is that, in the lecture he gave me he also informed me that he's completely changing his will, not in my favour. Its entiry his business what he does with his money, but the reasons he gave just dont stand up either.

Its obviously difficult to be certain in yourself what makes you angry. I really dont think it is the money. It is the very lame reasons, but more importantly the way he has brushed aside the past and absolved himself of blame, in the vein of "these things happen" etc that make me so furious. I think I am good at getting past things, so effectively I can bury him thinking he is a f***ker or I can see how a conversation goes. But that will probably mean alienating the MIL who will be able to make things very hard for me, not least because of the way he intends her managing distributing handouts from his estate, i.e. she gets everything but she will give me money from time to time. Bit of a mess.....

Ickle Magoo

Hey there OP,

I've moved this from Bereavement as that forum is for support/information for those that have suffered a bereavement.

I appreciate your post is related to bereavement but I think this is the best forum to get advice on your relationship issue.

All the very best.

Ellsbells

I really think you should let it lie....

Is there really any long term good going to come of having it out with him?

LegacyUser

I've had a sometimes fraught relationship with my own father so I sort of understand where you're coming from.

On balance I think you are better off biting your tongue and saying nothing. I've got the sort of temperament where things build up inside me til I have an outburst. It's a temporary release and I feel great for a short while. Then I've got to pick up the pieces of what I've said.

Applying this to your own situation, would giving your father a piece of your mind really resolve anything? He'll be gone in a few months but there will still be others left behind who will be affected by your actions. Is it really worth it?

username123

Ellbells makes an excellent point - what long term good will come from it?

Say you have it out and he still refuses to take responsibility, what then? You will still have had the row, have had no further closure, and will have soured the relationship with the MIL (Im a bit unclear on this, is it your fathers wife?).

Anyway, its only your own behaviour and feelings that you have any control over. You can choose to accept something that leaves a bad taste in your mouth in the interests of not souring relations with the MIL or you can engineer a fight with a dying man, that you probably wont feel any better about afterwards anyway. You cant make someone take responsibility and if you brow beat it out of them - what good is it anyway? The damage is done, he didnt take the responsibility.

Forget about the estate and the money, its irrelevant what people choose to do with their own money. Any money from an estate is always nice but its only a bonus in life, never something that should leave you bitter if it doesnt come your way.

tinkerbell

OP, first of all I have to ask ... You say he is your dad right, but his wife is your MIL (mother-in-law)? Huh? How is that possible?

curlzy

So he did something horrific and pretends he didn't? And now he's cutting you out of his will for stupid reasons? Do your kids have other relations? If so, I just cut him out. I know that's flippant but I honestly think the bitterness could damage you. I'd simpley write him a letter with everything in it and hand deliver it and tell him he can contact you when he's ready to apologise properly. And I wouldn't let money direct my actions, f*ck money, it's beyond not important.

BBDBB

Reading your post Im struck by how the story you want to tell is bursting to come out and you are trying hard to keep a lid on it, but little snippets cant help but get exposed

If the consequences of having the conversation are stopping you but you need to get this off your chest then can I suggest that you write a letter or two, you need never send them but it may help you get your anger out and manageable as you are about to go into a very difficult time. Grieving is hard, to do so with anger and guilt can be destructive and take you a long time to get through. Deal with those now while your father is alive

Without knowing what your Father did I think its likely that his own perspective about what is important will have received a shake up and maybe the mistakes of his past arent how he wants to spend his present

I wish you and yours peace of mind

Lorna123

I know you are angry OP and what I have to say may not be easy to digest but I think that if you just go to your dad and say something like "Look Dad, we have all made mistakes in the past and I can now see where I have made mine so from now on let's forget about the past and try and get on better for the time we have left together, that would be my dearest wish. I don't see how bringing up the past is of any benefit to either of us at this stage. I love you dearly regardless of how you may perceive me and I want to do the right thing from now on". I bet if you approached him like this his heart would melt, maybe not initially, but when he is on his own. This to me would be far better than getting him even more worked up about anything negative you might say to him and I can guarantee you when he dies this will be the biggest comfort to you that you did everything possible to make amends. Even if he never responds positively to you if you did take this line you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing.