Heartbroken Again!!

LegacyUser

Hi, it's a long one. Im not sure exactly what my problem is but I really need some advice. I've had an on/off thing with a man for the last three years. We're both in our twenties. I fell for him about 6 months into seeing each other and at that point I knew I loved him after a year. He never wanted a relationship, he was always up and down, with excuses of not being in the right mind for it ect. because of that, we kept fighting a lot, it was childish actions but we would argue, end up talking again, and fight again. It really was a battle, but something always drew us together afterwards, not talking to each other is actually more painful than the fights ect and even not having a real relationship.

it got to a painful stage however as he wanted to see me and talk to me, but him not wanting me as his gf broke my heart. One massive fight later over the same issue and some terrible things said on both sides led to us not talking for well over half a year until we got back in touch just recently. Nothing physical happened as I was determined not to cross that line again, but it was as if nothing had changed, we were talking as comfortably as we always did. I declined meeting up as I knew one thing would lead to another and I truly love him but Im not prepared to let him hurt me again as I know it would.

my problem is, he told me he has gotten a new career. And this career means he is living away and by the end of his training he could also be abroad. I know its stupid, but Im heartbroken, firstly because he wont even be around for months while training so I wont bump into him and secondly because he's sure to move on and meet someone else whilst away. On the other hand Im happy for him, its a clean break and he was miserable in his old job but I guess Im just sad because all this time when I was wanting us to move on and be happy without each other, now its happened and Im devestated. I feel such a hypocrite and a terrible crushing feeling that its final that this man will never be the one for me. I know it sounds riddiculous, but I dont think Il ever feel the same about anyone else again.

Hearing from him and that news broke my heart. I know it sounds toxic but we havent argued once since we started talking again and talking to him makes me feel so good and it must also make him feel good as he contacts me regularly. He doesnt want a relationship with anyone thats final. He has said that, and I know there is no other woman. I guess I just wish I had never met him in a way and that my life had taken a different direction love wise!! It breaks my heart to think that two people could over come such a terrible fight as we did and be as close to each other and yet Il never be his. Im sorry for rambling but my head is a mess right now. How do I get over this. I cant ignore him, we made up and I cant start going on that this is just hurting me either as his life right now is in the right place, he's just getting his career on the go and I wont wreck this moment for him either.

How do I get myself over this man? thank you for reading.

nowyouresix

All you can do is give yourself some time, and let it go. Keep busy. There's no easy fix. Keeping in contact just keeps the flames burning, so if at least he goes, then you can truly move on.
Good luck

LegacyUser

nowyouresix wrote: »

All you can do is give yourself some time, and let it go. Keep busy. There's no easy fix. Keeping in contact just keeps the flames burning, so if at least he goes, then you can truly move on.
Good luck

Thank you, I wish I knew how to do that. I feel like I've kept having to recover from this break up for the last three years, and yet this seems far more final. Our contact with each other is fine now, no fighting, and I am doing my level best to keep things civil and at peace for his sake of settling in, in his new life. I think he's happy. Its the moment he meets someone else, that's going to kill me! And I wont get over that! Ive had three years to try and get over this guy numerous times and even when Ive clocked up a number of months without him, it falls back into the same place that everytime I talk to him, I feel good, and happy again. Its a situation that got out of hand and I wish I never met him in a way. I dont even know if he'll be the same person afterwards, he's joined the defence forces, and his lifestyle has completely changed, Im not even sure the same funny, sarcastic/witty guy will still be there afterwards, and not some structured serious person! My head is wrecked at the moment!!

Taltos

There is really only one surefire way to move on here but I am not sure you are willing to do this.

You need to make a complete and final break.
Inform him you wish him all the best but for both of your sakes he is never to contact you again and you won't contact him.
Change your number and suggest he do the same.
Delete his email and all facebook links.

The only way you are ever going to get past this is to start to live the rest of your life and not keep being dragged backwards each time you chat.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

There is really only one surefire way to move on here but I am not sure you are willing to do this.

You need to make a complete and final break.
Inform him you wish him all the best but for both of your sakes he is never to contact you again and you won't contact him.
Change your number and suggest he do the same.
Delete his email and all facebook links.

The only way you are ever going to get past this is to start to live the rest of your life and not keep being dragged backwards each time you chat.

Thank's Taltos, I know thats the right thing to do and I appreciate the advice. Im worried I cant move on though. I really love him. And the longest time we didnt talk which was over half a year, with no contact, I still feel the same way about him. I dont feel like anyone will ever make an impact on my life again. He isn't my first heartbreak either, but I got over those much easier. Im almost embarassed talking like this, as Im not someone who falls easily either, and Id be the first to say move on. But I feel like I cant.

Merkin

It's normal to feel like that to some degree when such a momentous decision seems to have been taken out of your hands. The truth of the matter is he is not actually yours to lose (sorry to appear abrupt ). He has taken up three whole years of your life but with no actual commitment and what is happening here is actually going to be a blessing. I think a lot of women have been in your shoes and wasted time on someone who ultimately didn't love them or want them and they justify it all with the same excuses your entire post is peppered with.

If you want to feel a little bit better about everything then take control of this situation for once and for all by actually terminating this entire farce and cutting contact and telling him to leave you alone. Then it won't matter if he decides to move to Saturn because you will have begun the healing process on your own terms and finally allowed yourself to move on. Don't wait around for him to call even more shots.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

It's normal to feel like that to some degree when such a momentous decision seems to have been taken out of your hands. The truth of the matter is he is not actually yours to lose (sorry to appear abrupt ). He has taken up three whole years of your life but with no actual commitment and what is happening here is actually going to be a blessing. I think a lot of women have been in your shoes and wasted time on someone who ultimately didn't love them or want them and they justify it all with the same excuses your entire post is peppered with.

If you want to feel a little bit better about everything then take control of this situation for once and for all by actually terminating this entire farce and cutting contact and telling him to leave you alone. Then it won't matter if he decides to move to Saturn because you will have begun the healing process on your own terms and finally allowed yourself to move on. Don't wait around for him to call even more shots.

thank you, no, I dont mind abruptness, I know what you are saying is true!! And I agree with everything everyone has said, its just my head that needs to get around this, its just hard to get out of his depressive feeling I have about the situation!!

yermandan

You can and WILL move on, but only when you make the tough decision to truly cut all contact will the healing process begin.

Start today, put a reminder in your phone for 3 months away to check in on how you feel. You'll thank yourself, believe me!!

The situation is really that simple once you remove the emotion associated with it.

Best of luck

SineadMarie

I agree with the above posters. My heart has been broken over and over again cos of a relationship that ended in June! We kept in contact decided to be friends but was all on his terms and he kept me at arms length and kept my hopes up. I've only finally taken control and decide to tell him we could not be friends are in each others lives anymore. It hurts like hell but its the only way to move on and forget him. You think by keeping him in your life its easier than losing him altogether but actually your only prolonging the pain thinking one day he'll change his mind if you still see one another. Trust me its the only way, i know how your feeling the emptiness and depression is awful but its better to go through it and move on with your life, in a few weeks/months you'll feel better. Least i'm hoping i will. Best of luck try stay strong and be good to yourself.

LegacyUser

yermandan wrote: »

You can and WILL move on, but only when you make the tough decision to truly cut all contact will the healing process begin.

Start today, put a reminder in your phone for 3 months away to check in on how you feel. You'll thank yourself, believe me!!

The situation is really that simple once you remove the emotion associated with it.

Best of luck

thanks so much!! I guess I just feel sad about the situation. Im really going to try. I feel the situation would be easier if the whole thing between us had been truly one sided and that he wasnt a nice person ever, but I've never clicked with someone so much in my life. That's my problem. Its going to be a painful time trying to erase all those feelings! thank you everyone for your support.

Merkin

heartbrokengirl2012 wrote: »

thank you, no, I dont mind abruptness, I know what you are saying is true!! And I agree with everything everyone has said, its just my head that needs to get around this, its just hard to get out of his depressive feeling I have about the situation!!

I'd liken it to ripping off a plaster. It will sting at first but you'll soon be on the mend. You have to totally sever contact in the most brutal way in order to get over him, don't let him dictate the terms either as you'll only be back to square one when the slimy sod resumes contact :rolleyes: Honestly, his behaviour is textbook. He'll give you enough to keep you interested (or infatuated in your case) but won't actually commit. The moment you decide to take control once and for all of this situation is the moment you will begin to get yourself together.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I'd liken it to ripping off a plaster. It will sting at first but you'll soon be on the mend. You have to totally sever contact in the most brutal way in order to get over him, don't let him dictate the terms either as you'll only be back to square one when the slimy sod resumes contact :rolleyes: Honestly, his behaviour is textbook. He'll give you enough to keep you interested (or infatuated in your case) but won't actually commit. The moment you decide to take control once and for all of this situation is the moment you will begin to get yourself together.

Thank you for your advice, I really need to get my head together dont I. I dont even want a relationship with anyone right now, I need time to work on this, but I really want in the future to meet someone who doesnt have to make things complicated and can just be easy going and nice. Im only early twenties so I have a lot of time before anything needs to be serious anyway. it'll be nice to be stress free for once

dellas1979

The only way to give yourself a chance to get over this is to cut contact. If that involves you explaining what you feel, then fine. Its closure.

And yes, you will feel absolutely rotten for a while, but keeping in contact with him is a short term solution to your future happiness, only making things worse for you in the long run.

You need to start thinking practically now for yourself, i.e., let your head rule your heart. It always has to in these situations. "in the long term, what do I need to put in place/do for myself to try make/give myself the best possible chance of being happy in the future?"