Dealing with death of a dad

tahina

Hi guys my dad passed away in augest suddenly. I am 19 and i was just wondering does anyone else feel almost jelous when you see your friends with their dads or when they talk about them?
I feel bitter and jelous when they do and find myself questioning why me and why not them? I do feel really disgusted that i have these feelings i would never wish this on any one but i cant stop this thought process.

I also feel really insure now and i am scared of my mam passing away and been left alone in the world cause i am an only child. My some what good life has been turned upside down in a flash.

I just want to know if these feelings are normal and how long will it take to feel "normal" again??

Have you guys had to deal with a similar situation and how did u guys cope and move on ???

Canard

I really know what you mean, my mam died suddenly when I was 14, and even now I look at people who have both parents and feel a weird form of jealousy. It's not jealousy in every other sense, just a sort of weird feeling / acknowledgement that almost everyone else has both of their parents and they think nothing of it, but it's something you yourself would give the world to have.

That was almost 3 years ago and I still find myself thinking it from time to time, but it becomes more of a passing thought eventually. When you see people with the opposite parent to you only, or even in the same situation as yourself, it reminds you that you're not alone, and while it's not a sense of "phew, their parent is dead too", it's oddly comforting and a reminder that sometimes these things just happen and you can't control it.

Just try not to get too annoyed when you see people saying things like "I hate my dad!!!!!". It can make you feel so indignant but just ignore it if you can.

Sorry to hear about your dad, hope you feel better soon.

tahina

Im really sorry to hear about your loss too 14 was sooo young to lose your man how did you manage to cope?
I hope time is a good healer and i stop feeling so jelous and bitter.

NIMAN

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost my dad when I was 25, he more or less died in my arms at home after a massive heart attack.

For me, the first 6 months were very very hard. I honestly found it hard to cope, but the pain did pass eventually and I found that I was able to look back on him fondly, and forget the terrible events of the night he died. One thing that changed my attitutde to that night was my older sibling who wasn't there (lived outside the family home) and said he would have done anything to be with dad at the end. I questioned how he would want to see that or have that memory, but he told me I was lucky. For ages I didn't understand his logic, but I do now. I am so glad I was with him at the end of his life, and in a strange way it has made me a stronger person.

I don't honestly feel jealousy toward people with both parents alive, but I hate to see people fight with their parents or have fractured relationships with them, as someday they might well regret their actions.

Death will visit us all in one form or another, and we will all feel immense pain. My mum is now over 70 and I often worry about her and how we'd all cope without her, but life has to go on and for now I have a great relationship with her, maybe strengthened by the fact that we both miss dad so much.

Stay strong, death is a part of life unfortunately, and there will come a time when you think back to your dad with nothing but happy memories and smile, instead of the pain you may currently feel when you think about him.

May he rest in peace.

Cedrus

When you have lost someone close to you it's quite normal to be sensitive about things that normally wouldn't bother you. After my Dad died, I would boil up whenever someone said something like "There's nothing worse than ...(flat coke, greasy rashers, waiting etc etc)" and inside I'd be all "I think you'll find that pancreatic cancer is a fcuk of a lot worse than your petty little 'problems' you a$$hole". But on another level I knew they meant no harm by it and it was just me being hyper about it. Eventually the sensitivity does recede, there's no set time but it will pass.

Just remember to hold onto the good times with your Dad, you'll carry those memories forever, and you will get through it.

tahina

NIMAN wrote: »

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost my dad when I was 25, he more or less died in my arms at home after a massive heart attack.

For me, the first 6 months were very very hard. I honestly found it hard to cope, but the pain did pass eventually and I found that I was able to look back on him fondly, and forget the terrible events of the night he died. One thing that changed my attitutde to that night was my older sibling who wasn't there (lived outside the family home) and said he would have done anything to be with dad at the end. I questioned how he would want to see that or have that memory, but he told me I was lucky. For ages I didn't understand his logic, but I do now. I am so glad I was with him at the end of his life, and in a strange way it has made me a stronger person.

I don't honestly feel jealousy toward people with both parents alive, but I hate to see people fight with their parents or have fractured relationships with them, as someday they might well regret their actions.

Death will visit us all in one form or another, and we will all feel immense pain. My mum is now over 70 and I often worry about her and how we'd all cope without her, but life has to go on and for now I have a great relationship with her, maybe strengthened by the fact that we both miss dad so much.

Stay strong, death is a part of life unfortunately, and there will come a time when you think back to your dad with nothing but happy memories and smile, instead of the pain you may currently feel when you think about him.

May he rest in peace.

My dad died of a massive heart attack too in our driveway in germany the day before he was going to drive back to ireland.

I got the call when i was home alone and mam was at work from our neighbour and she just blurted out that he was dead.

At the time all i wished for that i was with him when he died but when we got over and my uncle said how when he found him he was blue i dont think i would have wanted to see him like that. Or worse if it had happened two weeks earlier when we were on holidays with him he could have had the heart attack then and killed us all or left us severly injured while driving on the motorway. So im greatful that didnt happen in a really bad way because he was just going to go into the car when he died.

You must have been really scared that night and i am really sorry to hear about your dad too.

tahina

Cedrus wrote: »

When you have lost someone close to you it's quite normal to be sensitive about things that normally wouldn't bother you. After my Dad died, I would boil up whenever someone said something like "There's nothing worse than ...(flat coke, greasy rashers, waiting etc etc)" and inside I'd be all "I think you'll find that pancreatic cancer is a fcuk of a lot worse than your petty little 'problems' you a$$hole". But on another level I knew they meant no harm by it and it was just me being hyper about it. Eventually the sensitivity does recede, there's no set time but it will pass.

Just remember to hold onto the good times with your Dad, you'll carry those memories forever, and you will get through it.

Im really sorry to hear about your dad it must have been terriblely hard for your father you and your whole family to go through.

Ya i know what you mean like the stupid things that people come out with. My friend the last day said " oh my dad is being such a pr**k i just wish he would dissappear sometimes" because he wouldnt let her get something off amazon that really made me angry and i told her to grow the fcuk up and walked away. I feel guilty after that because i know she didnt mean to say that and i shouldnt have lost my temper.

NIMAN

tahina wrote: »

You must have been really scared that night and i am really sorry to hear about your dad too.

Well I'll be honest it wasn't a nice sight to see as I felt he was in pain before he left this life, and this played on my mind for a long time after the funeral. It probably made it harder to get over.

But I knew the second I rushed into his bedroom that he would not survive the night. He looked so old and frail, and nothing like he was when I had seen him a few hours before. I think if I was honest the whole 10mins or so I was with him waiting on the medical people to arrive, I knew he was going.

I am glad I was there. It made me a stronger person.

LegacyUser

Im so sorry to hear your loss...
My dad died when i was a baby. So i never really had a father figure throughout my life.
I often wish i knew him.. or wonder how life would be if he was around.
I always get emotional, especially bawl my eyes out in some movies with a father figure scene. Im jealous of my friends and their families, Especially when i see a friend being daddys little girl.
So being jealous is normal.
Your lucky to have known him... Cherish every single and great memory you have of him!
Always remember he's looking after you!

tbh

tahina wrote: »

Hi guys my dad passed away in augest suddenly. I am 19 and i was just wondering does anyone else feel almost jelous when you see your friends with their dads or when they talk about them?
I feel bitter and jelous when they do and find myself questioning why me and why not them? I do feel really disgusted that i have these feelings i would never wish this on any one but i cant stop this thought process.

I also feel really insure now and i am scared of my mam passing away and been left alone in the world cause i am an only child. My some what good life has been turned upside down in a flash.

I just want to know if these feelings are normal and how long will it take to feel "normal" again??

Have you guys had to deal with a similar situation and how did u guys cope and move on ???

what you're experiencing is completely natural and understandable, and the feelings of anger will pass in time. I don't think you'll ever feel like you did before your dad passed away, but you'll get used to the new way you feel, so it will become your new normal, and while it might be hard to believe now, you'll be able to feel happy, and be able to think of your dad with happiness and not feel guilty about that - I'm sure you know that's what he'd want for you as well.

I'm very sorry for your loss and would like to wish you all the best.

Rubberlegs

Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad 2 yrs ago now, and it's honestly the most horrendous thing that has ever happened to me. I can fully understand feelings of jealousy towards those who still have their Dad's, but strangely don't feel this way myself. I really thought I would.
I actually find myself drawn to hearing about other people's Dad's. Or drawn to talking to men of my Dad's age. I always think that the death of your Dad is something that comes to everyone eventually, too soon for some. It's unavoidable. I think this is what keeps any jealous feelings at bay for me. What gets to me is that Dad should have had another good 15 odd years ahead of him. As much as I loved and miss him, there is no way I would wish to go through the horror of his illness, it's effects on him, and his death again. There is no way I would go back in time to 2yrs ago. I don't envy anyone who still has this ahead of them.

LeeHoffmann

I get the exact same thing too. My mother died when I was 4 and my Dad died 3 years ago when I was 25. I still get intensely envious at times of people my age who still have both parents. I found it particularly difficult to see some female friends and acquaintances planning their wedding with the loving support of both their parents, while I was planning my wedding with both my parents gone and little support (I have no sisters and am the eldest in the family). I haven´t yet had children and I know it will be like a knife twisting in the wound that I won´t be able to share such a happy time with them and that I won´t have any real support. I don´t really think that time will change that for me. I´ve missed out and it was **** but I´ve just got to keep going.

It's not jealousy in every other sense, just a sort of weird feeling / acknowledgement that almost everyone else has both of their parents and they think nothing of it, but it's something you yourself would give the world to have.

This exactly. It´s not malicious at all. I don´t wish that their parents were dead or anything (dear God!) but it kills me to see it. I´m living with my husband´s family atm for a short while. They´re absolutely wonderful but having to see up-close exactly what I´m missing, what I´d do almost anything to have, on a regular basis has caused me incredible and crippling pain. I can´t describe how painful it can be. But I don´t think there´s anything despicable about those kind of feelings. To me, they make perfect sense and are a totally normal and natural response to what you´re suffering.

As to how long will it take to feel normal again, that´s impossible to say. Everyone´s grieving is different and there is no set time. For me, I think my world view was shattered somehow - well, I´m not sure what it was that shattered in me but something shattered anyway, maybe my heart. I´ve had to build it up again and I´m different. I hugely doubt that I will ever be as I was before. In fact, the idea is laughable to me

NIMAN

As a follow-up to my story, I became very attached to my father-in-law over the years I had known him. Maybe because I had lost my own father? Not sure.

Anyway, he died a year ago too, and this hit me harder than I ever thought the death of an in-law would.

CaraMay

I feel like that about siblings as I lost my only sibling last year. I feel envious when I see people heading out with their brothers and sisters for dinner and drinks etc. When they have siblings to talk about. I get so upset when I see happy birthday / christmas Brother or Sister cards as I have no one to buy them for.... I was Xmas shopping last week and forgot for a second that they were gone as I had seen something that would have been an ideal xmas present for them.

I constantly and I mean constantly worry about my parents and worry how I will cope when its time to look after them. Its living hell OP and my heart goes out to you as I know, a little bit, what its like for you.

witchgirl26

I know exactly what you mean. I lost my dad 4.5 years ago and I do have a weird envy of those who still have both parents. It mainly centres on if I get married, he won't be there to see & walk me down the aisle. It's an odd envy as I wasn't even seriously involved with anyone when he died & I've had it since then. Suppose it represents the future I want that he can't be part of.

I do try to encourage my friends to spend the most time they can with their parents but one of my friends will never reconcile with her dad due to some terrible things he did to their family. I respect that & don't push her as I know he's almost as lost to her as my dad is as the man she thought she knew doesn't really exist.
I also get the hypersensitivity which does still rear it's head at times. But I try not to snap at people as it's not their fault and am slightly envious if those things really are the worst things they have to deal with.

I don't think I'm back to "normal" again - I'm getting there but no where near the person I used to be. It does change you forever. I developed an odd fear of big crowds & haven't really been in a nightclub since as can't stand being so tightly packed. I'm also probably a little more scared of things than I was before.

As far as coping - find something to throw yourself into. A hobby of some sort. I'm not saying it'll help you forget but sometimes it's good to have something to concentrate on so much that you don't think about anything else but it. Let your friends know how you're feeling. And don't be afraid to cry randomly. It happens & you're only human. Stupid things may set you off but just go with it.