What would you do?

MoonDancer

Right, I'm at my wits end here and could so with some advice or whatever ye think!

I have two kids 9 and 7 and a single mother since my husband fecked off after my 2nd was born.
Lately (about a year) my 9 year old boy has been really challenging authority. He's a lovely kid, but has become very aggressive with his younger sibling and with me. He gets right up in my face with anger when I tell him he's not allowed to do something and has started kicking doors, throwing stuff around his room, cursing at me, calling me the "B" word under his breath. I've grounded him, taken away his xbox, games, anything he plays with. I am VERY firm and consistent and never let him away with behaving bad.

Having said that, I always praise him for the good things, and reward him for his good behaviour.

Tonight, I was bringing them up to bed, they wanted to sleep in with me as a treat so I let them. On the way up the stairs my son was shouting at me, and I told him not to speak to me like that, and warned him he was going to get into trouble if he spoke to me like that. Well he didn't stop, and I took his toy away from him that he was bringing up to bed.
He wasn't happy with that, so he started throwing stuff around in my room and screaming in anger. I told him that behaviour wasn't allowed and if he didn't stop he was going to have to sleep in his brothers room (his bedroom is being re organised at the moment)
I brought him into his brothers room, and this time, he's screaming and shouting "sorry I won't do it again" But I told him I had warned him already about it and he didn't stop, so now he has to stay in that room tonight.
Two minutes later (all the while he's banging about in the room and shouting I HATE YOU) I walk in to find, he has all the bed clothes stripped off the bed, all the folded clothes thrown all over the floor, and the room is a mess.
So I tell him he has to sleep on the floor in his own room. His room is being re organised at the moment, he has no mattress for his new bed yet.
I gave him a blanket and pillow and told him, I gave him two beds to sleep in tonight and he messed up both of them and now he has to sleep on the floor.

Anyway, what do ye think of that? Am I gone to the extreme telling him to sleep on the floor after thrashing two bedrooms tonight. Or what are your opinions?!

El Weirdo

Moved from After Hours ===> Parenting.

Peppa Pig

Regardless of anything, I would lift him up and put him into a proper bed for the night.

What I find when mine are screaming sorry (they all do), is that they really mean it and a calm head diffuses the situation. Make him watch Supernanny although they pick up tips on how to be bold they understand the underlying disciplines she uses.

Ain't easy though

MoonDancer

Yeah that's what I did. Felt awful bad telling him to sleep on the floor but what is one to do??!!
I'm going to make him clean up his brothers room in the morning too.

Peppa Pig

And now a large glass of wine before your own leaba

call supernanny

MoonDancer

HAHA Are you watching me LOL

I see you've been here before

byhookorbycrook

Moondancer, just wondering if he has done the "Rainbows"programme?

boiledsweets

He gets right up in my face with anger when I tell him he's not allowed to do something and has started kicking doors, throwing stuff around his room, cursing at me, calling me the "B" word under his breath. I've grounded him, taken away his xbox, games, anything he plays with. I am VERY firm and consistent and never let him away with behaving bad.

Having said that, I always praise him for the good things, and reward him for his good behaviour.

Youre consistent and thats the main thing,you dont give up or give in as a parent and as a disciplinarian thats important well done on that front.

You seem to have gotten to him when he went into shouting sorry,so you are getting there bit by bit,you mightnt see it,but from what ive read you seem to be making headway,although im sure all that challenging behaviour stresses you out no end.

DublinWriter

Myself? I think I would have put him on the 'naughty-spike'.

Seriously MoonDancer, you did well. Children don't do 'negotiation' or 'reasoning', they only understand authority.

Just as long as he went asleep on the floor, that you picked him up and put him back in bed. Maybe a lesson learned, maybe not....round 2 tomorrow!

cbyrd

Sounds like he's starting to push at the boundary's again and like toddlers they don't care what attention they're getting as long as it's attention.. Sometimes a cool head and ' when you've calmed down we can discuss your behavior' will work better than an immediate row. Was he over-tired ?
I have a 13yo that would take a strip off me when she's tired or hungry.. i just look at her now and when she finishes her little tirade i'll ask her to think about what she's just said to me and ask herself is it really true.. i walk away and let her think for a while. I don't bother reacting that's all she's looking for.. then she can have a legitimate strop and i'm the worst mammy on the planet...we used to row a lot but once i figured out her game plan she just can't wear me down now... not in front of her anyway

I absolutely do not let her swear or name call me.. that's just pure disrespect and while i know it's more satisfying to say fu*k than feck i tell her it's the sign of a stunted vocabulary that she can't be more inventive.. it's difficult when they kick off but it's mostly a reaction they're looking for.. personally i would have made him pick up everything before he went to bed
Good luck

ladypip

Tbh i think you should have left him on the floor, maybe being uncomfortable for that one night will teach him a valuable lesson. I know that sounds cruel and I know how hard children can be believe me. But if it was me and my son and he had done that I would make sure he was warm and covered but leave him where he was.

MoonDancer

Phew, you all have been very supportive- thank you! I was worried about posting about this because I thought some might see it as a bit harsh.

I am 100% consistent, and I know thats a very important part of discipline.
Things have been better today. He tidied up his brothers room as soon as he woke up before I had asked him to.
His behaviour has been very good today. He wanted to go to the toy shop and spend his pocket money that he has been saving, but I told him he wasn't allowed because of how he behaved last night, and it will depend on how good he is during the week if he will be allowed to spend it next weekend.

Sometimes I wonder, if there was a man around to give him a stern talking to when he talks so bad to me, would that make a difference. Even though, I wouldn't want to give my power away, so to speak, by threatening someone else to give out to him. His dad isn't in his life or around.

MoonDancer

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Moondancer, just wondering if he has done the "Rainbows"programme?

I haven't heard of that? So I presume he hasn't.

boiledsweets

Sometimes I wonder, if there was a man around to give him a stern talking to when he talks so bad to me, would that make a difference. Even though, I wouldn't want to give my power away, so to speak, by threatening someone else to give out to him. His dad isn't in his life or around.

I think its an absolute credit to you that you are undertaking this on your own and making good headway,i know of two parents who arent doing aswell as youre doing,but i suppose with a child who has autism it could be difficult.

But the fact you are doing this on your own is absolute testament to your parenting and disciplinarian skills..

Lucyfur

MoonDancer wrote: »

I haven't heard of that? So I presume he hasn't.

http://www.rainbowsireland.com/

It's brilliant, really brilliant

Mr.Wemmick

Why is it always the really good, on-the-ball, fab parents who worry they're not doing the right thing when it comes to parenting their kids.
I think you're doing a great job like so many previous posters have written.

Here are some things I do with my lad.

I would keep telling him you love him but dislike the behaviour. Point out all the things he does well and the reasons why you love him - keep reminding him/ telling him the positives. Tell him he is responsible for his good and bad behaviour, not you.. See if you can have a chat with him on a good day regarding how he behaves and what he thinks about it. Does he have any solution or ideas to how he can calm down and behave better.. talk to him about how he feels when he is angry, when he feels good, what are the reasons behind his feelings: good and bad.

Has he got any responsibility in the house? Any jobs that he is alone responsible for, not you? My lad does some jobs and I always tell him I don't know what I would do without him, and his help. My son lights up my life - he is a great boy but can have some fly-off-the-handle moments too.

Another thing that I do with my lad is have my time with him without his younger sibling. He loves our time together (hard for me to do regularly as his Dad works, travels a lot) when we get out for a meal, coffee, trip out. I know its more difficult for you to do as a single Mother, but it would be worth a try if you can get a friend or a family member to babysit.

byhookorbycrook

Rainbows is fantastic , helps children sort through their feelings in a loss.

Big Bag of Chips

You sound like a fantastic mother so are probably already doing what I'm going to suggest!

I am a bit like you in that I'm consistent and can be quite strict with my kids... But after the tears and tantrums and hissy fits, we have a cuddle on the couch, and a chat about if they are upset or angry about something. Something in school, at home, with friends whatever.

Sometimes it could even be a day or 2 after the event.

I always tell the kids that they can tell me anything that upsets them or makes them angry and I won't get cross... Even if I'm the thing that is upsetting them!

I think it is very important, obviously, to discipline kids and not molly-coddle them too much. But after the event, I think it's as important to try talk it out, and let the child know you always love them.

MoonDancer

Thank you all very much, you all made me happy

I'll have a chat with him this evening and see what comes out of it.

He really is trying to be on his best behaviour. He even said to me last night "I've been really good today haven't I? I'm trying my best" So I told them I'll treat the both of them to their fav. dinner tonight. He wants hot dogs haha.

We never have time just for the both of us, so I'll have to organise something to do for both of my kids to have time alone with me.

Thanks for all the suggestions and reassurance.