Giving up on love

LegacyUser

I think to some extent I've gotten out of bed every day and thought I might find that special lady that might bring some love and joy into my life. Having hit my early thirties having been single my whole life, virtually, I've gotten into some bad habits with regard to my thought patterns on love and romance. I'm not here to discuss the practicalities of finding love- quite the opposite in fact. Believe me, I've tried everything I can practically try and on paper, I just shouldn't be as unlucky in love as I have been but hey, that's life.

I've realised I'm just so tired of the internal monologue and I need to give my head some peace. I've decided that at least for now, I'm giving all thoughts of love and romance and I just want to focus on myself and the stage of life that I, my career and my personal fulfilment is at, currently.

I need to get to a point where I can buy a pack of cigarettes without thinking that the assistant is cute and I wonder if she has a boyfriend and wondering if that nice smile was because maybe she likes me bla bla bla. I want to meet my friends for a drink without wondering if that friend of John's will be out again and how can I get chatting to her and see if she's single and bla bla bla. I want to get to the stage where I can walk down the street and wonder if that nice lady that l passed was checking me out and do I know her from somewhere and bla bla bla.

Having made the decision to change my mindset, just today I met an old friend. She's beautiful and wonderful and I've always carried a torch for her. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years. She was there with her new boyfriend and I've always wanted to get the opportunity to ask her out but I never had the opportunity and I'm certain she would say no. Now my head is full of her again and I can't stop myself running scenarios where we could still end up together.

I'm aware that I might sound like a perv or an ass or some laughable Pepé Le Pew type. I'm really not. I really feel I just need to figure out how to stop the 'chatter' in my head and just have some 'me time', almost. It just hit me like a bolt out of the blue that that's what I must do but I'm really struggling to do so.

cafecolour

**** more frequently. I'm dead serious. Depends on your sex drive, but the longer you go with out an orgasm, the more and more everyone around you starts looking good.

Also, get involved in something - a sport might be best, maybe one with minimal women. Throw yourself into it. It's a lot easier to tell your self to focus on something else than just telling yourself not to focus on something.

In general, I think having some 'me' time is a good idea. I do believe the idea that you have to love yourself before others will love you. Also, if you're desperate, it shows. However, if you're idea of 'me time' is just to sit around thinking about your life (and not think about women), it won't work.

Overheal

Are you a virgin OP?

You shouldn't need to feel pervy. If the cashier is being friendly, be friendly back. You can even do some mild flirting (at least if she's receptive to it). Like keep in mind even if we're talking about a younger cashier just as an example, I think about some of the older gents I'd see come in to my previous and current job who would try to charm the pants off the girls I worked with. If they did it right, and they were confident, they were considered charmers. The creepy pervy guys are the ones who don't say anything and just grin and stare down her shirt.

Actually a friend of mine is 30, she was at a Riverdogs (baseball) game with her BF in June and thats where she met Bill Murray (he owns the team apparently). He said "Oh she's cute", apparently they got to go and meet him in his private box for a moment, at which point he turns to her bf and says "you better hurry up and take her home before I do".

Bill Murray is 62. And a bit of a charmer.

Flirting can be totally harmless. So can dating. Hell, so can sex. It does always have to be about "The one"; you don't have to even know it's going to be the one when you start out. Just relax and enjoy life. Sounds like you've been waiting for that one perfect relationship for a long time and it just hasn't happened yet. Don't feel bad about getting into a few harmless relationships. I feel that you'll honestly be glad you did. You've probably had that gnawing feeling in the back of your head for years now that somethings wrong with you. That's normal, but completely correctable. Go have some fun.

Lorna123

You will look at the opposite sex and admire them and ask yourself "what if" forever as long as you live because that's human nature, so don't feel that you have to stop doing this, because you won't be able to. Even if you do meet the right person and get married you will still feel attracted to certain members of the opposite sex but you won't act on these feelings. They never go away. You are normal. These feelings are not just restricted to people who are not in a relationship. We all have them, single or married.

SharpshooterTom

OP I'm 26 and I've accepted I'm never going to get a girlfriend as well. I feel I'm not really good enough for that sort of thing. My social skills absolutely suck and I can't make friends.

I think the best thing at least is to improve your self worth if you do choose the solitary route like me. I wrote a list of things I wanted to over a 3-6 month period to help improve my self worth, e.g. joining a gym, eating healthier, joining societies, begin driving lessions, become a better cook etc. Just short term things to help improve my self worth and esteem.

I can't advise you OP on the relationship route, but if you're considering the solitary route like it looks I'm heading towards its a tough long battle but it can be done. I attempted suicide over not having relationship in april, obviously I've survived. Since then I've been having therapy and anti depressants etc. But I think I've set myself high standards of getting a girlfriend which are completely unrealistic and now just learning to build my life without having one. Tough be doable I hope. I certainly don't want to kill myself over it anymore.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Sorry about the delay. I've been going backward and forward over things and considering new ideas.

cafecolour wrote: »

**** more...Also, get involved in something - a sport might be best, ... I think having some 'me' time is a good idea. I do believe the idea that you have to love yourself before others will love you. Also, if you're desperate, it shows. However, if you're idea of 'me time' is just to sit around thinking about your life (and not think about women), it won't work.

Thanks man. Luckily, I do have more manly passtimes even if I have those Morrissey sensitivities too! I don't sit around in morbid self-analysis but I do think regularly about my situation and putting it all out of my head for now is what I want to achieve.

Overheal wrote: »

Are you a virgin OP?...

It's been a very VERY long time for me. Years and years. I never had regular sex. Just a few lucky encounters when I was younger that never lead to any more.

Overheal wrote: »

...You shouldn't need to feel pervy...If they did it right, and they were confident, they were considered charmers. Bill Murray is 62. And a bit of a charmer.

You know, I'm not the best looking guy in the world but most would say I was already a charmer. There's just something about me that when I cross into flirtation, it's just goes down like a lead balloon. Not because I'm doing it wrong- it's just that women just don't see me romantically or sexually. Maybe it's my physical self, I don't know. This is my problem. I was the nice guy/ friendzone guy when I was younger. I'm regularly described as 'lovely'. I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to be a doormat and always refrained from these types of interactions with needy women and I wasn't going to be anyone's Personal Jesus any more. That meant my close interactions with women have declined to virtually nothing.

Overheal wrote: »

Flirting can be totally harmless. So can dating. Hell, so can sex. It does always have to be about "The one"; you don't have to even know it's going to be the one when you start out. Just relax and enjoy life. Sounds like you've been waiting for that one perfect relationship. Don't feel bad about getting into a few harmless relationships. that you'll honestly be glad you did. Go have some fun.

I *really* can't emphasise this enough: I have lead a virtually asexual life. I'm not waiting for the perfect anything. I can't get women to see me romantically/ sexually. Nothing would please me more than having some 'fun' and playing the field a bit but I've just had virtually no opportunities (that are acceptable to someone who is fundamentally private and reserved). If I keep things light, nothing happens. If I push it a little more toward flirtation, it all goes frosty. As above, I know I'm not doing it wrong. There's just something about my 'self' that means I am not 'meant' to find love or romance I have concluded and this is something that makes me very depressed. Learning somehow to embrace it may be my only hope of 'surviving' it.

Lorna123 wrote: »

You will look at the opposite sex and admire them and ask yourself "what if" forever as long as you live because that's human nature, so don't feel that you have to stop doing this, because you won't be able to. Even if you do meet the right person and get married you will still feel attracted to certain members of the opposite sex but you won't act on these feelings. They never go away. You are normal. These feelings are not just restricted to people who are not in a relationship. We all have them, single or married.

Good point. Thank you.

ThomasFlynn wrote: »

OP I'm 26 and I've accepted I'm never going to get a girlfriend as well. I feel I'm not really good enough for that sort of thing. My social skills absolutely suck and I can't make friends.

I think the best thing at least is to improve your self worth if you do choose the solitary route like me. I wrote a list of things I wanted to over a 3-6 month period to help improve my self worth, e.g. joining a gym, eating healthier, joining societies, begin driving lessions, become a better cook etc. Just short term things to help improve my self worth and esteem.

I can't advise you OP on the relationship route, but if you're considering the solitary route like it looks I'm heading towards its a tough long battle but it can be done. I attempted suicide over not having relationship in april, obviously I've survived. Since then I've been having therapy and anti depressants etc. But I think I've set myself high standards of getting a girlfriend which are completely unrealistic and now just learning to build my life without having one. Tough be doable I hope. I certainly don't want to kill myself over it anymore.

Man, I really feel your pain. I hope things work out for you too. I think that this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to let go of. At this stage, I can't imagine a day when I can fill that void of love and companionship with something else. I feel I've been staring at an empty glass my whole life and it's time for something else.

Idle Passerby

I know the kind of men people describe as lovely and in my experience they generally do not put themselves out there. They are usually men that are nice and women would like to get involved with but its like they are so far removed from even noticing someones interest and don't know how to reciprocate it that the opportunity sails past.

If you like someone you need to indicate that to them or put even put the word out that you'd like to meet someone or else people just think "what a nice man, pity he doesn't seem interested in meeting someone".

miamee

OP would you consider a holiday/break away by yourself? I have found that when things get strained (for me anyway) some time alone in a new environment is just what I need. It gives my head something else to think about and the sense of relief when you realise you haven't thought about *that* for a few hours is immense and freeing. If you can't do a holiday, try a weekend or failing that some day trips to somewhere new. It's not a long term answer, moreso a short term break for your brain

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I know the kind of men people describe as lovely and in my experience they generally do not put themselves out there. They are usually men that are nice and women would like to get involved with but its like they are so far removed from even noticing someones interest and don't know how to reciprocate it that the opportunity sails past.

If you like someone you need to indicate that to them or put even put the word out that you'd like to meet someone or else people just think "what a nice man, pity he doesn't seem interested in meeting someone".

This is it, tbh. Need to,...no offence but you seem like a typical Nice Guy. They talk situations to death and think they're being really obvious but they're really not. I mean seriously you talk about flirting but guys like you just leave girls confused when you don't follow up.

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I know the kind of men people describe as lovely and in my experience they generally do not put themselves out there. They are usually men that are nice and women would like to get involved with but its like they are so far removed from even noticing someones interest and don't know how to reciprocate it that the opportunity sails past....If you like someone you need to indicate that to them or put even put the word out that you'd like to meet someone or else people just think "what a nice man, pity he doesn't seem interested in meeting someone".

nice lady wrote: »

This is it, tbh. Need to,...no offence but you seem like a typical Nice Guy. They talk situations to death and think they're being really obvious but they're really not.

I can't help but feel a little chastised. I haven't really asked for tips or pointers. On the contrary, in fact. I'm well aware of the war cries of the "nice guys". I'm exceptionally perceptive. I pick up when *someone fancies me. I am a nice guy but that doesn't mean I'm automatically a doormat or a crushingly shy whinger. I ask girls I like out but they're never interested in me.

[*I mean the rare occasional girl who either I'm not attracted to and/ or sees me as a potential live-in boyfriend/ counsellor (the latter happens to some men more than you'd think)].

nice lady wrote: »

I mean seriously you talk about flirting but guys like you just leave girls confused when you don't follow up.

You do hear about the guy that chats the girls up and gets their number but doesn't call. There they are waiting by the phone for the call and the guy has sobered up and remembered how shy he is. I can only speak for myself and I can only say I've never done this.

miamee wrote: »

OP would you consider a holiday/break away by yourself? I have found that when things get strained (for me anyway) some time alone in a new environment is just what I need. It gives my head something else to think about and the sense of relief when you realise you haven't thought about *that* for a few hours is immense and freeing. If you can't do a holiday, try a weekend or failing that some day trips to somewhere new. It's not a long term answer, moreso a short term break for your brain

I've always noticed the same thing too and I have a nice weekend away with friends planned for the coming month (PS, as an unreg'd regular, let me say I always think very highly of your posting. I think you must be a very insightful and fair minded person).

miamee

Need to sort out my head wrote: »

I've always noticed the same thing too and I have a nice weekend away with friends planned for the coming month (PS, as an unreg'd regular, let me say I always think very highly of your posting. I think you must be a very insightful and fair minded person).

Aw thanks, you have made my evening

skinny1980

Need to sort out my head wrote: »

I think to some extent I've gotten out of bed every day and thought I might find that special lady that might bring some love and joy into my life. Having hit my early thirties having been single my whole life, virtually, I've gotten into some bad habits with regard to my thought patterns on love and romance. I'm not here to discuss the practicalities of finding love- quite the opposite in fact. Believe me, I've tried everything I can practically try and on paper, I just shouldn't be as unlucky in love as I have been but hey, that's life.

I've realised I'm just so tired of the internal monologue and I need to give my head some peace. I've decided that at least for now, I'm giving all thoughts of love and romance and I just want to focus on myself and the stage of life that I, my career and my personal fulfilment is at, currently.

I need to get to a point where I can buy a pack of cigarettes without thinking that the assistant is cute and I wonder if she has a boyfriend and wondering if that nice smile was because maybe she likes me bla bla bla. I want to meet my friends for a drink without wondering if that friend of John's will be out again and how can I get chatting to her and see if she's single and bla bla bla. I want to get to the stage where I can walk down the street and wonder if that nice lady that l passed was checking me out and do I know her from somewhere and bla bla bla.

Having made the decision to change my mindset, just today I met an old friend. She's beautiful and wonderful and I've always carried a torch for her. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years. She was there with her new boyfriend and I've always wanted to get the opportunity to ask her out but I never had the opportunity and I'm certain she would say no. Now my head is full of her again and I can't stop myself running scenarios where we could still end up together.

I'm aware that I might sound like a perv or an ass or some laughable Pepé Le Pew type. I'm really not. I really feel I just need to figure out how to stop the 'chatter' in my head and just have some 'me time', almost. It just hit me like a bolt out of the blue that that's what I must do but I'm really struggling to do so.

You are quite frankly being ridiculous.

You are attracted to women, you want to fall in love and have a relationship and there is nothing stopping it except YOU.

What are you afraid of?

You are going to find yourself waking up in your late 60s alone and miserable.

If you like the shop assistant or that friend of John's or that hot girl who you thought was checking you out then say hello, chat her up, get her contact details and arrange to go out.

It's simple.

miec

I can understand that aspect of the self of where you resign yourself to singledom / celibacy but... you are very young still, early 30s and it is so sad to see you draw the line under love. You see in my opinion the reason you feel stuff for different women is that your heart and your head are in struggle with each other. Your heart seeks connection and your head is saying no way, dangerous, not going to happen, I am not lovable. The truth is Op you can't stop the heart from yearning, you can only go with it, you can continue to ignore it or take action. I find it sad you are writing yourself off at this very early stage in your life, I suspect that you give off don't come near me vibes without seeing it or truly understanding how or why you say no to the possibility of love. I speak from a similar experience and one with which I struggle with and I say the above as much to myself as to you (I am a bit older but still youngish)