An odd query....

LegacyUser

I really don't want to get into specifics, I know the antagonist in this story lurks on boards, but here goes.....

I had a friend, we've been close for years. For the last two years we have had this sort of on-off shifting thing going on. I'm a girl. He is confused about his sexuality- or was, now he seems completely sure which way he's going- not in the straight direction.

The last time we shifted, over a month ago, he completed humiliated me, or I humiliated myself. I don't want to go into it but basically he completely rejected me in spite of seemingly being v physically enthusiastic at first.

My confidence is completely shot to pieces because of him. I feel as if no man would look at me. I know it's nothing personal but there is kind of a fundamental rejection feeling I've gotten from him that is very hard to shift despite all my logical thoughts.

I know now that the shifting part of it is totally over. There was a party I was supposed to go to the week after that incident and I cancelled as I couldn't face him.

I'm wondering what I should do. I miss him but then my life is so much simpler without him in it. I can be open to new things and people and I know it would be easy to let it fade away. We don't live near each other anymore. I'm back at home which only makes me feel like double the failure- no job, no boyfriend, two degrees going to waste...

I do miss him, we had lots in common, but the thought of texting him or contacting him brings me out in a cold sweat. I was so embarrassed and humiliated by him. I swing between anger and sadness at the situation.

I was in his city last weekend but couldn't meet up as didn't have time. I don't know if he knows I was there but he would prob be thick at the thought of me not even texting him to say I was there (I texted one friend but had to cancel so I just didn't tell anyone I would be around in the end).

I know the consensus will be to cut contact. I just need somewhere to vent. Has anyone else ever been in this situation?!! I feel like the only one? Why would someone gay mess around with someone of the opposite sex?!

Oryx

Some things are cringeworthy, but all you can do is take a deep breath and move on. You got caught up in your friends conflicted sexuality, thats his issue, not yours, so you shouldn't feel embarrassed. Tho I know the thought of it still has you biting your knuckles.

You'll miss him, but I think thats the easy bit to deal with. You need to get busy and find an outlet to cure your loneliness. I think its more important not to let this incident drive you into a rut. There is nothing wrong with you. Its his head that was messed up. You are not a failure, times are hard on everyone and you will make use of those degrees. But in order to do that you need to begin the process of moving on. You won't truly see new opportunities till you clear the decks and get rid of your longing for something (someone) you can't have.

It somewhat seems like this issue isn't too big, but is being made worse by the current situation you're in with regards to living at home and feeling like you're going nowhere. Instead of just sitting down and focusing on that, instead get active and start trying to make a change in your life. The more you have in your life, the less you'll focus on this.

P. Breathnach

Oryx wrote: »

... You got caught up in your friends conflicted sexuality...

That's looks like the central thing.

You say that he rejected you. It would probably be more true to say that he could not continue because what is happening in his own psyche. It looks to me like a genuine case of "it's him, not you".

If you can see it that way, and can come to really believe it is that way, you might be able to get over it - first, in terms of how you feel about yourself and perhaps later in re-establishing your friendship. But concentrate first on yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the nice replies, made me feel a bit less like a complete eejit.

When I wrote the post on Friday I was utterly depressed- stuck at home with only the Late Late and the cat for company. Of course, there he was again on Facebook, drunk out of his skull. This time last year I would have been nursing a nice Arthur's Day hangover, and that was kind of getting to me.

Oryx and Boneyarsebogman (amazing username btw) thanks so much for your kind words. Since getting home I've enrolled in a couple of correspondence courses as well as volunteering. I'm not sure what I should do because there are jobs in my field on jobbridge but the thought of being on the dole for three months first makes me sick. So although in principle I'm keeping myself busy, I've let myself be lazy and more often than not days are sliding past with me just arsing around on the internet for hours. Of course that's not conductive to me not brooding on stupid ****e like this.

P.Breathnach, I agree. While logically I know this, on a more primal level it still feels like "I'm not good enough".

I suppose I should explain a little bit more of the v complex situation, and whether I should just cut this person completely out of my life, something I've been thinking about for a year.

The incidents always happened when we were drunk. All our friends think we have had sex and we were college gossip for a while.

I moved away last year to do my postgrad. This was supposed to be a total fresh start for me and at the beginning it was. When I was away, one of my friends said she could see how much happier I was for being away from him. She has advised once or twice that I cut him out.

Anyway, long story short, we didn't see each other for months. He is terrible for keeping in contact and I made most of the effort. When we eventually met up, feelings that I thought had disappeared surfaced and we ended up together.... This happened twice.

I also have to say that he has initiated this a few times, he has tried to discourage me from flirting with other guys, and once when I wouldn't kiss him he flew off the handle at me.

Basically it comes down to this. He is more than happy for me to do sexual things for him, but then pulls out the "I'm gay" card when it comes to doing anything for me. This along with things he said the last time ("this is nice for a change") really humiliated me.

He treats people like commodities and I've observed this in him long before this started. He has been with a lot of people in his friendship group and yet I'm the freak for having feelings essentially.

Also, what started out as your average student drinking has become a serious alcohol problem imo. I have cut down on my drinking massively in the last year and now seeing how much and how often he drinks is beginning to scare me.

The only thing that worries me now is the fact that I have a history of not recognising when friends and exes have treated me badly until it was too late. Now I have gone the other way. I cut out a girl this year for being a drama queen and a spoilt brat and I sometimes wonder whether I was being too harsh. So I worry if I stop contact with him whether I am being too harsh, and I'm turning my back on an old friend because as P.Breathnach said, "It's him, not me". But at the same time I feel like I can't let him back into my life to turn it all upside down again.

Sorry for the length of this post!

There's an awful lot in that story that seems essential and central - but which is in fact entirely peripheral, IMO. That's not to deny the validity of what you've said, or your need to tell it like it is - but even so the core of this story is really simple.

You have feelings for someone; he doesn't share those feelings. You are putting time, attention and effort into this man and this relationship; he dallies with you and this relationship and takes whatever benefit he can from it, but won't connect or commit. And on the face of it, this man lacks empathy for and connection with you, and probably many or most other people as well.

In short, he's the boy-meets-girl equivalent of the "frenemy" or the "toxic friend".

In a word, punt.

Seriously and simply, get some people into your life who aren't toxic and negative, and get rid of this guy before he drags you down even more than he has already.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

There's an awful lot in that story that seems essential and central - but which is in fact entirely peripheral, IMO. That's not to deny the validity of what you've said, or your need to tell it like it is - but even so the core of this story is really simple.

You have feelings for someone; he doesn't share those feelings. You are putting time, attention and effort into this man and this relationship; he dallies with you and this relationship and takes whatever benefit he can from it, but won't connect or commit. And on the face of it, this man lacks empathy for and connection with you, and probably many or most other people as well.

In short, he's the boy-meets-girl equivalent of the "frenemy" or the "toxic friend".

In a word, punt.

Seriously and simply, get some people into your life who aren't toxic and negative, and get rid of this guy before he drags you down even more than he has already.

Thanks so much Ulysses, tbh that is what my intuition has been telling me for the longest time. I'm a very softhearted person, too much so, and I kind of need someone to reassure me what I'm thinking of is the right course of action.

I've always known that the core of this is very simple, but I suppose I've denied it for so long.

Since I cancelled on the party which was the middle of August I haven't heard from him, apart from the odd comment on a facebook status.

Just on the getting people into my life who aren't negative or toxic, I have gone through a lot of changes in friendships in the last two years. Basically, all the people I'm good friends with now are people I WANT to be friends with, who are decent and good people and treat me with respect (and I do the same to them). Apart from him.

I've kind of realised lately that I don't like him that much anymore, largely because of the way he's treated me but in general, he seems to have changed, or perhaps I have changed. Because we only see each other when there is a big night out I suppose I see the worst in him. I did meet up with him for coffee during the summer and it was like old times but he's drinking so much now the nicer side of him seems to have disappeared.

It will be hard but I kept falling into a trap with him and tbh he has enough of the world in love with him, my removing myself from the list won't make a bit of difference to him.

Thanks again to you all for your kind words and good advice. x