How do you let someone down gently

LegacyUser

I went on a lunch date with a guy recently. He is really really nice but I don't how to tell him that basically I don't see a relationship developing between us. At the end of the lunch he asked did I want to meet again and I said yes. I told him I would meet for drinks so has asked me out for drinks.

I have this thing in my life that is a really big hobby and it takes up a huge amount of time my life. He's completely indifferent to it but then he feels strongly against part of it. I'm really not sure if we are compatible at all.

I just don't know how to let him down gently. Should I go for drinks and tell him over drinks? Is an email or text too mean?

oisindoyle

I dont get this "recent " thing of breaking it off with people through e mails or txts.
It is rude and cowardly in my opinion .
If you want to break it off or dont want it to go any further with this guy ,say it to his face

floggg

oisindoyle wrote: »

I dont get this "recent " thing of breaking it off with people through e mails or txts.
It is rude and cowardly in my opinion .
If you want to break it off or dont want it to go any further with this guy ,say it to his face

Ah here, a bit of context. They went on one bloody date! He doesn't owe the guy anything at this stage but a bit of honesty.

If they were seeing each other a few weeks, I'd agree that face to face would be appropriate.

After one date though it would be a waste of everybody's time effort and money meeting up again just to say he didn't see it going further. If I was the other guy I'd be more pissed about being dragged into town for that!

baby and crumble

I don't think you need to tell him face to face tbh after only one date but I do think a phonecall would be better than a text for sure.

stephen_n

Breaking it off is more than mildly overstating the situation. A first date is to check out attraction interest, clearly you don't have any. I would say an email explaining how you feel about it is more than fair. A lot of people would simply stop communicating!

Annasopra

I don't think the OP is breaking something off. From what I read they went on 1 lunch date!

baby and crumble

mango salsa wrote: »

I don't think the OP is breaking something off. From what I read they went on 1 lunch date!

Yeah but I still think a phonecall would be polite. He is cancelling plans at the very least.

TwoTokeTommy

I think the message is more important than the medium, whatever you're comfortable with really.

stephen_n wrote: »

.....I would say an email explaining how you feel about it is more than fair. A lot of people would simply stop communicating!

Agreed. And the sudden cut off in communication stuff is a real dick move, very inconsiderate; all it takes is a few minutes to set the person straight so they can move on.

brokenice

oisindoyle wrote: »

I dont get this "recent " thing of breaking it off with people through e mails or txts.
It is rude and cowardly in my opinion .
If you want to break it off or dont want it to go any further with this guy ,say it to his face

exactly...man up y'all! 1 date, 100 dates, it makes no difference in my opinion! it's still gonna be tough and awkward. but you gotta go what you gotta do. don't try to justify the weaseling out!

Aurongroove

cannot do anything over phone, I either need to do face to face or live chat. txt is only OK if it;s actually a conversation.

Sir Pompous Righteousness

Just tell him "Go away, leave me alone and don't contact me again. Goodbye forever."

That should be about appropriate.

Annasopra

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

Just tell him "Go away, leave me alone and don't contact me again. Goodbye forever."

That should be about appropriate.

Not really appropriate at all :rolleyes:

Sir Pompous Righteousness

mango salsa wrote: »

Not really appropriate at all :rolleyes:

I said it once to someone via text and they didn't talk to me again. It worked for me. I hate it when people drag things on because they're afraid they might hurt either person's feelings. In these cases, it's good to speak your mind.

Annasopra

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

I said it once to someone via text and they didn't talk to me again. It worked for me. I hate it when people drag things on because they're afraid they might hurt either person's feelings. In these cases, it's good to speak your mind.

I disagree. I think that's a horrible way to treat someone.

rockclover1

I have found over the years there is no easy way to let someone down gently,its hard to do,letting it go on and on isnt fair,and dragging other affairs into it,isnt either,it just adds to it,better to say it to the person that its over,you never know they might feel exactly the same way too with any luck,dont drag it out,it will just get messy in the end if you dont tie up loose ends and its better say to yourself be gone with it i dont need this in my life

wonderfulname

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

I said it once to someone via text and they didn't talk to me again. It worked for me. I hate it when people drag things on because they're afraid they might hurt either person's feelings. In these cases, it's good to speak your mind.

I agree that dragging things out isn't a good thing to do, it can lead people on as you're giving a false sense of interest, but you are talking to another human at the end of the day, so you should treat them decently.

I think the OP answered their own question; "[you are] really really nice but... I don't see a relationship developing between us." Honesty without being hurtful or aggressive, it can be done, amazing really...

Sir Pompous Righteousness

mango salsa wrote: »

I think that's a horrible way to treat someone.

But saying something like "Hey, listen I think you're a great guy and all but I don't think it's going to work out, sorry. It's not you, it's just me [common lie]. I wish you all the best in the future and hope you find someone special" it's essentially the same thing but with powdered up language. The person's still going to feel down in the end, in fact it could make him feel worse.

If I said what I said earlier, (i.e., "Go away. Don't talk to me again. Goodbye forever") then he's going to think I'm an asshole and therefore he's going to feel that it was less of his fault. In a way, you could view it as a sacrifice that benefits both of us; make myself look like an asshole so that he'll be happy he got away from me.

wonderfulname

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

If I said what I said earlier, (i.e., "Go away. Don't talk to me again. Goodbye forever") then he's going to think I'm an asshole and therefore he's going to feel that it was less of his fault. In a way, you could view it as a sacrifice that benefits both of us; make myself look like an asshole so that he'll be happy he got away from me.

Wow, that's not how people work, I think most people would wonder what about them warranted your actions, and some people could be very, very negatively affected by it, and you're not going to know if they're one of those people after one date, to be honest your best friend could be one of those people and you wouldn't know. Just be decent to people, there is no justification for acting the prick.

The OP isn't even presenting a cliché, they're just saying it's not going to work, what exactly is wrong with that?

1ZRed

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

Just tell him "Go away, leave me alone and don't contact me again. Goodbye forever."

That should be about appropriate.

Wow, what an asshole way to do things. It's kind of petty tbh.

OP, just fire off a text saying you had a laugh but you just don't see it heading any way and you'll see him around the place. I think you're dwelling on it too much considering it was just one lunch, and I think a text is enough to do the job.

face1990

1ZRed wrote: »

OP, just fire off a text saying you had a laugh but you just don't see it heading any way and you'll see him around the place. I think you're dwelling on it too much considering it was just one lunch, and I think a text is enough to do the job.

+1 - If it's not working, just say that. You're both adults, and neither are emotionally invested in it.

ButtimersLaw

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

Just tell him "Go away, leave me alone and don't contact me again. Goodbye forever."

That should be about appropriate.

Like many of us, there was a time in my life when I went on many dates. The most hurt I was was when I met someone I liked, she appeared to like me, and then afterwards radio silence so I had to learn by osmosis that she was not interested.

I often thought that if that was the sort of person she was, who was unable to tell someone else "no" and, in not doing, prolonged their expectations, then she can't have been a very nice or considerate person.

If I was not interested, I always told the other person that, while I liked her, there was no spark and hoped she'd meet someone wonderful really soon.

To do as you suggest says more about the sort of person you are, and suggests you are both pompous and full of righteousness

Annasopra

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

But saying something like "Hey, listen I think you're a great guy and all but I don't think it's going to work out, sorry. It's not you, it's just me [common lie]. I wish you all the best in the future and hope you find someone special" it's essentially the same thing but with powdered up language. The person's still going to feel down in the end, in fact it could make him feel worse.

If I said what I said earlier, (i.e., "Go away. Don't talk to me again. Goodbye forever") then he's going to think I'm an asshole and therefore he's going to feel that it was less of his fault. In a way, you could view it as a sacrifice that benefits both of us; make myself look like an asshole so that he'll be happy he got away from me.

I agree. That is a completely asshole thing to do.

stephen_n

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

I said it once to someone via text and they didn't talk to me again. It worked for me. I hate it when people drag things on because they're afraid they might hurt either person's feelings. In these cases, it's good to speak your mind.

You didn't speak your mind you texted it, which makes it all the more ****ty. It is possible to be honest, without being spiteful or deliberately hurtful! Maybe when your on the receiving end your opinion might change!

Aurongroove

recently had to let a guy down I wasn't into.
It went grand, I neither lied to him to cushion the blow nor pretended to be a total **** (a.k.a taking the 'arsehole bullet' for both of us, while effective is also very emotionally careless and would devastate someone with low self esteem).

I just said, well, the truth.