Boyfriend on Webcam

LegacyUser

As the title says, I discovered my partner was exposing himself to women over the internet through webcam.

We are both in our mid-20's and have been together for 3.5 years, living together the past 2.5 years, and have started planning a child together... which i dont really know what to think of anymore.

I was on his laptop and all these sites came up in the history and i clicked into them and he was still logged in so i took a look and found 4 sites that he was on where he had about 20 pics up on each site and when he logged on he 'performed'... One of the accounts he had was created when we were together less than a year...!!

I know you might think it was wrong of me to look, but in the past ive already discovered that he done this once with a random girl on MSN and he'd also talked to other girls on dating sites he had existing whilst we've been together.

The last time he done something like this was a year ago and I thought he wouldnt do it again as he promised... so i was really shocked to find this on his computer.

I confronted him about it and he admitted to it (obviously, as I already knew)... He took the pictures down off of one of the sites but says he needs to get admin to remove pics from the other sites so they will still be up there for another few days/weeks.. i dont know...

He said on these sites he 'performed' and sent pictures to girls and they sent him pictures and he had sexual conversations with them.

This has actually made me feel so low, as he was the first person I ever felt comfortable around after suffering with anorexia when I was younger, so I had built up confidence around him and now I have none, as these girls he is getting pictures from look so different from me and are obviously the kind of woman he prefers..?

So, what Im looking for is advice..

My head is telling me to leave him, but heart is telling me to stay,, and I just dont know what to do... We live together, work together and have a lot going on so dont know where I'd even begin. So, what would you do in this situation? Leave him? Or keep trying? I've talked with my mother about this and she suggested relationship counselling, but I dont know if it will make any difference. And why would he do this? Im not sure is it some sort of obsession? I mean, I have no problem with him watching porn, but this I have a major problem with.

Any advice or opinions would be appreciated please.

SunnyDub1

His actions are out of line, theres a big difference between watchinh porn and exposing yourself to other people all over the internet. That's a form of cheating imo.

I don't see how you could trust him again after catching him out more then once and if their is no trust then their is no future.

I don't understand the whole pictures on the site ? Is it a dating site he is signed up to or porn sites ?
Either way it is still not acceptable.

have you asked him why he feels the need to go on these sites?

DangerMouse27

Leave him. Its unfortunatley as simple as that. Especially if your planning on having a child.
For a guy, those sites are about hooking up. No strings attached sexual encounters.

Your not showing your bits to win awards or medals...lets be clear.

I agree with the above poster too on the whole porn issue.

Do not blur the lines on this. Its really clear cut.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.

@SunnyDub1: Its a site where you sign up and put up pictures for others to view, and then when you go online you perform over webcam,, and you can also watch other people's webcams and view their pictures. They are disgusting sites, and very pointless.

I have asked him why he does it, and he said it was something that he used to do after he broke up with his last girlfriend,and before he got together with me and that he finds it hard to stop, and something 'takes over him' and he doesnt even realise he does it.. Tbh, there was too many pictures up for it to be a spur of the moment thing that he didnt really think out.


@DangerMouse27: Thanks for replying.. Hearing other's point of view really helps. I dont know if he's doing it to hook up.. Because the girls he talks to are in America, and other countries that I know he'd never have any intention of going to.. Thats why I dont really get it.. Because if he was talking to women in ireland id be able to think that he was doing if to no strings hook ups.. But this just confuses me.

Ellsbells

Op it's nothing to do with how you look, it's just the way he gets his kicks but in my opinion, it's a form of cheating and has no place in a monogamous relationship, especially when it's a secret.

Katy89

OP, from what you write it seems to me it's 'just' an obsession and he won't ever meet the girls. I don't know, I don't know him in person but that's my guess .

it's a difficult one, only you can decide if you can live with it because you might love evrything else of him. but I think there are trust issues already and that's never good for any relationship

jeni

Im so sorry hun id be out of there, to me it would be like cheating on me,

Neyite

For starters, stop the planning of children.

Essentially, you have caught him before and he promised to stop, now you have caught him again. Of course your heart is saying stay, while your head is saying go. Thats totally normal, but you have to listen to your head here. Leave before you are stuck with him and a small family and he IS actually meeting other girls and doing more than perform on a webcam.

DeltaWhite

To be honest I would run a mile - and then run 20 more

You need to remember this: can you actually EVER trust him again after this?

I think you know the answer! It's as good as cheating in my view and it sounds to me like he's addicted to it, and do you honestly want to have to support him through getting help? (that's even if he chooses to get help) Because he does not deserve your help OP...

dellas1979

When the heart and the head are in conflict with what to do, in my opinion anways, you must always go with your head.

Your heart will mend. In time. But daily head wrecks and not trusting him (the foundation of a relationship), he continually doing this, wouldnt be good enough reasons to stay.

If he is serious about sorting himself out, he should be doing it for himself. Not for you. And thats where its going wrong. You are making boundaries, which youve every right to do, but he cant cope with this. Because at this stage he cant or doesnt even seem to want to do it for himself.

LegacyUser

I have been that guy.

Firstly let me say the pictures he is getting off other girls... don't be thinking that he is looking at them because they are different to you...he will look at anything he gets sent.

I did what he did for long period of time when i was single. It was an ego boost and a way of getting off feeling like there is someone else around.
I do understand that he says something comes over him because the same would happen me. I would go online maybe to watch porn end then from there it would escalate into webcams and chatting and picture swapping...I would never have considered my self addicted to anything but I came close with this.

That said I didn't do it in relationship and I wouldn't do it again. I'm disgusted by myself now but I cant change it.

He is in a relationship and should not be doing this especially if he has said he had stopped. I mean can you trust him again? Will you ever not look into the browsing history?

Its not easy to hear but I think he may need help if he has tried to stop this and cant...or else get shut because he is lying about wanting to stop....

SheFiend

Great responses from dellas and thatwasmise. Personally I wouldn't have a problem with his behaviour, I think it's harmless in itself, but if you are uncomfortable with it then it is a problem, and is harmful to your relationship .

Seems like you are reluctant to end things without trying to save it first, so maybe talk about what need he is fulfilling by doing this and see is there a way to fulfil that need which pleases / is acceptable to both of you. Put bluntly, maybe he has a high sex drive or a particular kink which ye could engage in together. Maybe not, but worth considering.

Lorna123

I think what he is doing is disgusting OP. I can't advise you what to do though. All I know is that if I was faced with something like this I would lose respect for the man and wouldn't be able to have sex with him again. He will never give this up, he might for a while but then he will go back to it again. Unless you can put up with this, and it seems you can't and nor would I, then break up with this man and find someone whom you can respect.

ibarelycare

OP don't kid yourself that just because the girls were in different countries, that it's not cheating because he would never be meeting up with him.

It IS cheating, plain and simple. They're may not be any physical contact between him and these women but they're mutually masturbating, fantasising together, watching each other.

You have a big decision to make, but don't let him try and sway you with any of his BS excuses. I don't honestly know what I'd do in your situation, but as an outsider I'm saying leave him. Do you really think you'll be able to build the trust back up?

If you do contemplate working things out then you really do need to go to relationship counselling, and if your boyfriend is determined to change then he should go to some sort of counselling on his own as well.

LegacyUser

OP here again. And thank you for the replies.. really makes me see what he's doing IS cheating.

Thatwasmise, thanks for replying and being so honest, I dont know if he wants to stop but he said he'd go and get help. If he told me he'd done it when he was single, I wouldnt have a huge problem with it.. Its just when I see pictures up on the internet that were taken in our home that makes me sick. But to answer your question, I only look at his browsing history when i suspect something.. apart from that I never do... Ive never checked his phone or anything like that.. I do know he used to text other women though because he used to do it when i was sitting next to him on the couch and he didnt think i could see.

Shefiend, I dont think its anything to do with his sex drive, although i could be wrong, as i have a higher one than him.. but i dont know.

Ibarelycare, I really am starting to think that it was cheating.. I knew it wasnt ok, but I didnt want to put the 'cheating' label on it.. But i guess thats what it really is.

Lorna123

So not alone was he exposing himself on webcam.....disgusting....but he was texting other women right beside you. Come on OP do you really want a relationship with this guy, do you have to ask us what you should do????

shalalala

Does he want to change? Will he get help? Could you forgive him?

If the answer is no to ANY of these questions then I think you have to get out. He has broken your trust and your relationship by bringing these women into your home through the internet.

Personally, I would have to leave.

Pa Dee

webcambf wrote: »

As the title says, I discovered my partner was exposing himself to women over the internet through webcam.

We are both in our mid-20's and have been together for 3.5 years, living together the past 2.5 years, and have started planning a child together... which i dont really know what to think of anymore.

I was on his laptop and all these sites came up in the history and i clicked into them and he was still logged in so i took a look and found 4 sites that he was on where he had about 20 pics up on each site and when he logged on he 'performed'... One of the accounts he had was created when we were together less than a year...!!

I know you might think it was wrong of me to look, but in the past ive already discovered that he done this once with a random girl on MSN and he'd also talked to other girls on dating sites he had existing whilst we've been together.

The last time he done something like this was a year ago and I thought he wouldnt do it again as he promised... so i was really shocked to find this on his computer.

I confronted him about it and he admitted to it (obviously, as I already knew)... He took the pictures down off of one of the sites but says he needs to get admin to remove pics from the other sites so they will still be up there for another few days/weeks.. i dont know...

He said on these sites he 'performed' and sent pictures to girls and they sent him pictures and he had sexual conversations with them.

This has actually made me feel so low, as he was the first person I ever felt comfortable around after suffering with anorexia when I was younger, so I had built up confidence around him and now I have none, as these girls he is getting pictures from look so different from me and are obviously the kind of woman he prefers..?

So, what Im looking for is advice..

My head is telling me to leave him, but heart is telling me to stay,, and I just dont know what to do... We live together, work together and have a lot going on so dont know where I'd even begin. So, what would you do in this situation? Leave him? Or keep trying? I've talked with my mother about this and she suggested relationship counselling, but I dont know if it will make any difference. And why would he do this? Im not sure is it some sort of obsession? I mean, I have no problem with him watching porn, but this I have a major problem with.

Any advice or opinions would be appreciated please.

Has he given you any explanation at all ? He seems a twisted, sick deviant in need of sex addiction therapy. You really should consider strongly spending your future with such a person.

stargazer 68

webcambf wrote: »

I do know he used to text other women though because he used to do it when i was sitting next to him on the couch and he didnt think i could see.

.

And you still stayed with him?? Oh OP!

Gymguy

I have a good deal of experience with this problem. I think it's important that if you DO walk away from the relationship in the future that you always have the knowledge that you both tried very hard to fix it. Regret is a terrible thing. Life is complex and relationships too so I would avoid the opinions of some people who may try to over-simplify what is going on or who may be judgemental without having first-hand experience of these problems. I know you are hurting right now but there may be light at the end of the tunnel. Here are some people or sites that may be able to give you information and hope. Best of luck.

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WhimSock

Pa Dee wrote: »

Has he given you any explanation at all ? He seems a twisted, sick deviant in need of sex addiction therapy. You really should consider strongly spending your future with such a person.

Sick twisted deviant is a bit much. Seems like a fetish for getting his lad out for others on the internet with their consent. Sure look at Chatroulette.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I think you really need to talk this over with someone in real life. Your partner seems to have little to no respect for you or your relationship together because as far as I'm concerned when you start sexually interacting with people, that's clearly crossed a line and to still be with someone like that would suggest your self-esteem is at rock-bottom. I think before you can deal with this you need to get yourself into a place where you are strong enough to see you deserve so much better.

There is a list of helpful links HERE and there is a link on how to find the best therapist/counselling for yourself in THIS post.

All the very best.