Are my paranoid feelings indeed correct? - Mod Warning Post #2

LegacyUser

Hi All, I'm at a stage in my life where I should be crazy in love with my girlfriend and be enthusiastic about her hanging with my friends... but unfortunately I am not and its consuming my thoughts every day now!

A bit of history: we hooked up 2.5 years ago while travelling abroad and after returning to our home countries began to visit one another. 6 months after that we both moved to the UK and began living with one another. We lasted 4 months in this scenario and then broke up, it is difficult to pin down the reasons for our break-up but they were mainly due to my doubts about our future. We had no contact for a few months and then slowly we both began to contact one another. My reason for contacting her is I began to question why I let a great girl go. Someone that was very loving towards me and would do anything for me. Now we have been a couple again for 6 months and we plan to move in together again in January as she is moving here to the Uk.

My main problem is that I am beginning to find her boring, and even saying that makes me feel like an assh0le. She is the complete opposite to any girls I dated before, she's quiet, has no history of going wild for a few years, our conversation is limited at times, and we never have conversations that get deep and exciting. And maybe none of this matters but around my friends she is basically silent, sits there saying nothing. So over time I have purposely not met with friends when she is around because I'm paranoid of what people are thinking about us. Some of my previously close female friends made no effort to talk to her, so I've stopped contacting them.

I know this is a ridiculous train of thought for me to be having but this whole thing is on my mind daily now. She has told me that after the last time we broke up she went to a councillor for 6 months. We are nearly in our mid-30's and I know time is running out on her chance to have children. These are some reasons that make me shutter at the thought of breaking up with her again, and definitely as I give no indication to her that I feel like this.

All I wanted in life was a girl that was fun to be around and that my friends also enjoyed being with. I don't believe we have the 2nd quality.

I get more paranoid by the fact that a good friend of mine has a girlfriend that people slate constantly behind their backs. And no one has ever said it to his face. The same could be happening to me for all I know.

My paranoid feelings are telling me that my friends believe I am making a big mistake being with this girl. Are they correct? Should I be saying screw my friends!!
These are horrible feelings to have towards any girlfriend. What the hell am I gonna do? Any advice would be great.

Taltos

All - pre-emptive here. Know this is an emotive issue but would kindly ask everyone to post in line with our charter and only give constructive advice. If you cannot remain civil then please don't post.

Thanks
Taltos

Gooner111

Hey OP.

You are with this girl not your friends. If she makes you happy then how she gets on with them shouldn't be a big issue. Your friends will still be just that... your friends. It could be she is shy in groups and with time might open up and get bit more chatty. Even if the case that she will always be quiet in their company it isn't the end of the world. You will have them and her! Don't avoid your friends when she is about - you can have both!!

What stands out for me is that your thinking too much about what others are thinking... what do you think? Do you love her?? Does she make you happy??? Can you see yourself marrying her, having kids with her, spending your life with her???? After you first broke up with her what made you want to get back with her??? She is moving to the UK soon so I think you should make your mind up shortly.

Sleepy

OP newsflash: you don't like your girlfriend, you like how she treats you.

Cut the poor girl free and stay out of her life this time.

ibarelycare

You haven't stated why you're actually with her?

AnonoBoy

Looking at it from a purely selfish perspective:

You find her boring, you aren't excited by her.

Why are you with her?

Are you going to stay with her just because you feel sorry for her?

If you're not happy then somewhere down the line this is going to end. If you get married, have kids etc. then it's going to make it all much more painful.

She'll be ok. People survive break-ups.

Ellsbells

You need to finish it immediately. If she is moving in January, she will be putting the train in motion e.g. resigning from her job and you cant let her do that.

Tell her out straight that its not going to work and do not get back with her again.

looksee

I should be crazy in love with my girlfriend

There is no 'should' about being in love. You are either in love, or you are not. It is possible to have a good relationship without being 'crazy in love' and eventually the crazy bit fades anyway and a marriage can settle down to a loving, caring, companionable relationship that lasts a lifetime. You cannot control the degree to which you are in love though.

There are stages in your life where the excitement of a new relationship or having a crush on someone can be read as being in love, people with a romantic disposition can see any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship as being in love. That's a matter of interpretation and up to the individual.

You seem to be in a situation where you are looking to feel 'crazy in love' with someone who doesn't live up to your expectations of what other people will see as someone suitable to be in love with. Someone who will be entertaining for your friends and will make you look good. At one level you like her and want to be with her, but you will not allow this to overcome your need to have someone who will impress your friends. At that level you are ashamed of her.

This is not paranoia, it is you allowing yourself to be dictated to by your need to be popular and acceptable to the people you know. If they were friends they would accept both of you the way you are. As it is they could all go their separate ways and you would be left with no girlfriend because you thought she was not good enough for them.

How you react to this situation is your own decision in the end, but ask yourself if it is fair to her that she should have a boyfriend who is ashamed of her and who wants to change her to his own expectations of what is 'good enough' for his friends? And is it fair to her to keep her dangling while you figure out how mature you are?

blatantrereg

Whom you choose as a partner is none of your friends' business. They ought not to be judging her one way or another, and ought to make an effort to make her feel included. Anything else is very disrespectful to you yourself.

Good for you that you stopped bothering with your female friends who wouldn't talk to her. Personally I would have no patience for that sort of thing, and would ditch those people altogether.

It does sound like you have a need to feel like you are impressing people in some way. You are trying to get their approval rather than their respect. You would be better off insisting on the latter and not caring too much about the former.

ongarboy

It sounds like you are/were fond of her but do not love her enough that circumstances such as how your mates rate her would take priority over your love for her? I think if you did truly love her, others' perceptions would not take precedent. I think someone who calls their partner boring is someone who does not enjoy their company so this doesn't bode well for a good future together for either of you.

Put yourself in her shoes. If you thought for a second that your partner was ashamed of you in front of her friends, or wished you would change certain core characteristics about you, thought you were a bit boring and not great fun to be around, would you still hope that they stuck with you? Would you also leave your present job/life/country to move elsewhere to be with her? I would guess not.

When you questioned your decision over the last break up, what conclusions did you come to about why you broke up before reuniting with her only to face the same issues now that caused the 1st break up? What were those doubts about the future that you subsequently seemed to ignore (at least briefly) when you got back together? Are you someone that would rather be with anyone than be alone? Not a great reason to be in a relationship I would think. I strongly suggest you be honest to her (in a tactful considerate way of course) before she makes this significant life change of moving to the UK to be with you. Your honesty (although painful at first) will do you both a favour so you can both find partners who love you for who you really are (warts'n'all).

I'm not going to say ignore the peer pressure of the mate's opinions because I think the problems in your relationship are bigger than that but I would say that the opinions/welfare of the right partner for you and whom you genuinely love would always, without second thought come before what your mates might think.

Best of luck in making the right decision.

LegacyUser

Hi All, OP here again. All of you have made amazingly accurate guesses at how I am feeling. And it is a very mixed bag of feelings. Let me begin by answering some of your questions and thoughts.

Gooner111 wrote: »

What stands out for me is that your thinking too much about what others are thinking... what do you think? Do you love her?? Does she make you happy??? Can you see yourself marrying her, having kids with her, spending your life with her????

In my original post I concentrated on the negatives as these are the reasons my head is melting over this decision. I agree that I am putting too much emphasis on what my friends think. Especially when I only see some of these friends a few times a year, so I guess we can categorise these as old friends that are fading away. But my closest friends whom I will always have are more difficult to read, would always stand by me decisions.

On analysis a part of me thinks that this anger I have towards my friends is actually a reflection of the anger I really have for myself for getting into this situation.

But its not all gloom... Then I also think that deep down I do not want to break up with this girl. We have fun together and share interests. And yes, I do love her, she makes me happy. I can be confident of that most of the time. But at times I have set high standards for how I saw my life long partner (and previous girlfriends have set this standard) and they are nearly all on a social level.

looksee wrote: »

At one level you like her and want to be with her, but you will not allow this to overcome your need to have someone who will impress your friends. At that level you are ashamed of her... As it is they could all go their separate ways and you would be left with no girlfriend because you thought she was not good enough for them.

I never thought to summarise is as being ashamed of her, and I guess in a way I am, but again purely when she does not reach this social level of conversation and entertaining. When I listen to one of my friends doing his best to chat to her and ask her questions about her home country. She has few answers and I even find myself in my head saying 'jesus all you have to do is have a laugh, make a joke of it, whatever just do something'!

So on this level when we are alone she is not much of an entertainer. And I want to be entertained by my partner, I want her to make me laugh, to do something wild. But It is just not in her, and I know it is not her issue, it is mine. To me this is a big part of a relationship, so although we have the loving aspect, this is where the boredom originates. And I'm afraid that a bored person will eventually wander!

ongarboy wrote: »

When you questioned your decision over the last break up, what conclusions did you come to about why you broke up before reuniting with her only to face the same issues now that caused the 1st break up?

We were living in a new city where neither of us had local friends. We were very dependent on one another and on the occasions when we were out she was her usual quiet self around people. As I was first learning about this trait of hers I started to think I could be having the craic on my own. And that I could not see myself with that someone whom no one else in the room seemed to want to talk to.

So after we broke up I was then alone in this city. I felt very alone during this time but eventually got myself together and life moved on. I moved to a new city, met new people, new job, had some one night stands along the way. But I never did get her out of the back of my mind.

ongarboy wrote: »

I strongly suggest you be honest to her (in a tactful considerate way of course) before she makes this significant life change of moving to the UK to be with you. Your honesty (although painful at first) will do you both a favour so you can both find partners who love you for who you really are (warts'n'all).

I know now that I need to have this conversation with her. I need to tell her that this is a problem for me in our relationship and that I need to find a resolution to this. I'm not looking for a new girlfriend, Ideally I want just to tweak my own a little as she is great is all other ways! If that is not possible, than I think the end is near, and definitely before she moves country.

CdeC

Hey OP,
I have a friend who is dating a girl like yours. He met her a few years back at a halloween party. When we first met her she was painfully shy and very very difficult to talk to. Basically people started ignoring her when out. Not in a bad way we'd swap pleasantries and chat a bit but when the we were drinking and chatting she just didn't interact so the night went on around her.

Fast forward a few years and now they are getting married. Everyone has slowly gotten to know her and she has definitely warmed up a lot. She's not the raging outgoing person either but that is just not her. We've done festivals and holidays with her and it just took a long time to get to know her. But the most important thing besides all of this is that she makes my friend happy and treats him right.

I know it might seem like you should break up but my friend had the exact conversation with me. He confided that he was annoyed that she didn't get on with us like he hoped, even though she did in her own way. He is very friend focused but after all that he just decided that he was seeing us less and less and he prioritised her. Now I know you need to make your own decision but honestly is it that important that she is right in the thick of it with your mates. I mean she is dating you not your friends. You could ask them to make more of an effort but think carefully before you end the relationship a second time.
Is that really what YOU want.

Blisterman

I know how you feel OP. Had a similar thing with one of my exes.

Not about getting on with my friends, but the bit about "our conversation is limited at times, and we never have conversations that get deep and exciting" but also conflicting feelings of deep affection and also enjoying spending time together.

Basically I felt like there was no reason to break up, but I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

In the end, I broke it off after about a year and a half. And in hindsight, I wish I had done it sooner.

borabora

What Blisterman says. You can have it all OP, keep looking.