Work issue - is it me?

isitme?

Hi all,

Looking for some opinions here (male, early 40s). I posted here before because i had some issues with rosacea and facial redness, especially at work. This was causing me a lot of anxiety and affecting my everyday life. I had used various creams and even makeup to try and cover over any blotchiness but this made it worse on a few occasions, especially when it was warm. I can only assume that people didn’t see the redness but saw the makeup/blotchiness as the reaction i get from a significant amount of people at work is that i am to be ignored, avoided, laughed at, etc. Thankfully, my face is a lot better now but on a few occasions while sitting in the canteen I have seen one or two people point me out and straight away, the group would look over and stare. On several occasions when I have been with someone else and another person either passed us or sat near us, the person I am with is saluted directly (usually by name) while I am completely ignored.

The few people who i do talk to (and who talk to me) are sound but where I sit in the office, bar my direct colleagues, if I ever tried to initiate a conversation with others, it ends abruptly with a one liner so I don’t initiate conversations any more. They have a lot of banter among themselves but it’s as if I don’t even exist. Two in particular always have this smug smile to themselves when they pass by my desk. At this stage I think half the company (and its a big one) is gossiping about me. It’s very isolating but i do my best to get on with my work. I work directly with four people who are decent and good craic although they are not always there. They are in the company longer than me (except one) and get on fine with these ‘other’ people. BTW, I don’t think these ‘other’ people are ‘bad’ people at all, in fact, I’m sure they are very nice, but i get the impression there is some kind of group think going on that I am to be avoided or not encouraged in any way. It’s really strange.

People might think i am delusional but I avoided going to the canteen for a long time because of anxiety. I only go down now if I’m sure that someone I know will be there. If someone actually talks to me they will realise that I am a relatively normal person with a family (not that people who don’t have families are abnormal or anything) but I don’t think I come across as full of myself or anything. When colleagues look for help I am very helpful and have even been commended by one person (who works in a different branch). I don’t get it really – I haven’t attacked anyone or verbally abused anyone so why do people treat me like this?

I don’t want to come across as too much of a victim or anything. I try to be optimistic each day at work but sometimes you do get dragged down. It would be ok if you could pinpoint a couple of individuals and say yea I will avoid them but when it's more than a few individuals, you do question yourself. I have set a goal of lasting 3 years in this company (i’m nearly half way there) but its tough going. I’m not sure what I hope to gain out of this, maybe some empathy or maybe I am doing something to invite all this, I don’t know?

Taltos

OP I too work in a large company and I have noticed that at least where I work there are a lot of cliques. It just appears to be the nature of the beast.

It can be quite hard to change that type of dynamic - but one thing you could do is if you pass some people who sit close to you just day "Hi, I'm heading down for a coffee do you fancy coming down for one?" - now you might get a rejection whether they are too busy or whatever but just throw it out there. Be seen to be friendly and to be making an effort without going overboard.
Also when you get to the canteen if you see one of the groups at a table why go over and ask if they mind you joining them? Just did this myself this morning with some of the lads from the group next to me.

In terms of people pointing / whatever - you have a few options:
a) Confront them - just smile and respond "Yes can I help you with something?"
b) Confront them even more - talk to your direct manager and ask for their assistance, not sure but guessing your place should have a bullying policy or something along those lines
c) Ignore them - if they want to show how juvenile they are just let them. Really sounds like they think they are still in school. This is assuming that your thoughts on what is going on is actually going on...

One tool I use is to twist what is happening and tell yourself a better story
Current: They are laughing at me
New: They are admiring how good I look now that I am really taking care of myself.

or
Current: Why are they smirking at me as they walk past?
New: That must have been a good joke, where was that website again???

Small steps.... Ignore the knockbacks - trust me you will get them, but bit by bit you can really turn this around to your own advantage. Another thing is as you pass people in the corrider / wherever as well as saying hello - try use their name - shows you are interested and paid attention / care enough eg "Hi John, how are things?" - keep on walking if you get an answer great. But slowly build this up to stop for a quick "any plans for the weekend?" or "You told me last week your new baby was sleeping through unlike D's is that still the case?"

Definitely make eye contact with people, smile and nod, make small talk and win this one...