Want to become a better me but I can't

LegacyUser

I'll get straight to the point with my problem. It's basically that I want to be a different person, but I can't bring myself to be. I'm in my early twenties, and I think that my level of shyness is way too high (while sober!). I'm awful at small talk when it comes to meeting new people, and thus feel like my quality of life is lowered due to making minimal friends whenever I'm introduced to a new environment (college/work). I'm abroad at the minute for a month, but it's an issue that really gets to me, yet at the same time I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

You'll have noticed that I mentioned I'm overly shy while sober. I don't have a drinking problem or anything, I just find that I become the kinda person I'd love to be all the time with a few drinks on me - positive, outgoing and genuinely easy to be around. While sober, it's the opposite. I come across really shy, negative and lacking in confidence (except around the people I already know).

Are some people just not meant to be outgoing types or can a shy person completely change? Kinda worrying it might be too late to change seein as I've messed up in terms of getting to know people at college and work. How else can I try get involved with new people and change this? While I'm happy having the small group of friends that I do, it kinda feels like I'm wasting certain parts of my life by not being more outgoing. Any advice is appreciated.

blatantrereg

Yes you can learn to be more at ease/more confident/more engaging in social situations. Socialising or engaging in social activities will develop your ability to socialise. Moderate alcohol consumption can help in the immediate sense, but might not help your ability to socialise without drinking all that much.

Dont feel pressure to be entertaining or especially interesting or whatever. I get the impression from your post that your inhibitions stem from feeling like you need to be entertaining/interesting. Just being relaxed and friendly will encourage people to like you - you dont need to impress them or anything.

LegacyUser

If you want to become a better person you can do this.
At this stage you have a choice to stay as you are or move on. In ten or twenty years time you can look back to now when your life changed for the better or back with regret.
You have to be prepared to widen your circle of friends by joining some new groups or organisations. Why not do some night class in something you are interested in?
When you meet new people ask them general questions - name, where they live, do you have any brothers and sisters ect. I would not ask them about work as a lot of people are not working at the moment and you don't want to make someone uncomfortable.
You may find you know the same people and also most people like to talk about themselves.
I would keep up to date with the news so you chat about that also. In time you will get more confidence and will get better at small talk which helps you connect with people.
I have one friend who was shy in her early 20's but she pushed herself then, got to know more people, had a few different jobs and traveled. Another girl I know complains about her lack of boyfriend and her life in general but she knew ten years ago that she was in job she hated and was living at home. She made no changes in her life then and is still unhappy.
I won't tell you that you will find it easy but if you put in the effort you will get the rewards as one of my friends told me recently.
Since Feb they have lost 4 stone in weight. They told me it was not always easy and a few times I felt like giving up but I am so glad now I did not do this. Let this be what you say to yourself from now on - If I put in the effort with people I will make new friends and have a better life.

LegacyUser

My problem is that I already feel it's too late to change. Being in my early twenties, most people have developed friendships in colleges and clubs etc. And the vicious circle continues because as a shy person I'm running out of options to meet new people. Just feels such a struggle to change

borabora

Early 20's! Running out of options!! Come on. That is a complete defeatist attitude. If you think this is bad wait ten years, until people are solidy paired up. This is the time to do it. We all have challenges in our life to face, they are growth experiences. Lots of people drift and regroup at this age. 'Quarter life crisis' and all that, post college etc.

It sounds like you do have some friends, but just want to make more, and be more personalble in general everyday situations. I am excellent at 'small talk'. Because it's not small talk. It's being genuinely interested in other people and wanting to find out about them and relate to them about topics common to both of us. Practice makes perfect. Seriously. Keep at it, sober and not and you'll notice a definite improvement. Be confident and envision it going well. In terms of actually making friends, you need to have the confidence to take the next step - to actually ring them when you get their number, or add them on facebook or whatever. It's not dissimilar to 'dating'.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
I can relate to what your saying. I am in my early twenties and was painfully shy too. So shy I couldn't join a club or anything (not that there is much options where I live)

I am great fun to be around with my friends but I find it hard to get my real personality across with strangers. I went to counselling for different issues and it seemed to help my confidence my dealings with strangers.

I have learned to be comfortable with myself and if people don't like me that's fine. I have been working on it slowly and have seen a big improvement, for example : if I was with somebody and they met someone they knew I used to stay quiet I tried joining in instead/
Little things like that help.

Recently I have started a new job and have a good few work friends whereas before I was too quiet and would have kept to myself.

You don't have to be the loudest most outgoing person in the room but you don't have to stay silent either. Accept yourself and others around you will too. I still can find small talk hard but I keep trying. Think of something from the news or tv or if you know what somebody's intrested in. Being quiet isn't always a bad thing either people like a good listener but you also need to add to the conversation.

Lorna123

I just think that you are quite normal for someone in their early 20s. Don't overthink how you come across. You are doing fine. You don't have to be the centre of attention. You will make friends at every stage of your life and if you think you could have made more friends during college then just move on and make more as you progress through jobs, etc. Honest to God you are thinking way too much about how you come across. Everything will work out. If you only knew how much people who appear confident really felt you would be amazed. You are doing fine, enjoy life and forget about how you are coming across.

cafecolour

Want2Change wrote: »

My problem is that I already feel it's too late to change. Being in my early twenties, most people have developed friendships in colleges and clubs etc. And the vicious circle continues because as a shy person I'm running out of options to meet new people. Just feels such a struggle to change

No, I'm in my thirties, and constantly make new friends (cause I move a lot, for one).

Go to clubs/societies/internet activities. Everyone says it, but it has a built in icebreaker effect.

Cast a wide net. Don't pursue friendship with people who don't seem interested - they might be too busy already for instance.

Overheal

It's actually a good thing to do some critical thinking. The only problem is most people do this and end up always putting themselves down. With actual critical thinking you are actually looking at the very process of Thinking, in its entirety. Since I started doing it I've become almost a completely different person. I'm far less shy, more assertive, more confident, and I also applied the process in to changing how I ate and burned energy, and I've lost untold amounts of weight. The before and after photos are frightening.

I'm 25. All told from the time I started actually making the big changes (not just the little ones) it's been about a year. 2 if you sweat the small stuff.

The only thing you have to remember is it won't happen overnight. Meaningful change never does. It's a process you work at, one thing at a time. You don't even necessarily have to plan this out, except to say you would hopefully have some self-image about who you want to be, at some point in the future. Then you'll start to look at the little things in your life and you'll have lots of little moments like "Why am I doing this?" and they will be the small, easy things to fix. The first step though is figuring out the critical thinking bit - think about how you think. Actually try to think about how you cognize and form thoughts. Challenging, but interesting once you get the hang of it. By recognizing when you're shy and when you're confident (around drink and sobriety) you've already started doing this.