Teenage Daughter Hates Her Mother's New Boyfriends

atlantisdays

Hi there,

I am separated from my ex-wife 6 years and divorced now just 6 months. About 1 year ago my ex-wife started to date this guy and then moved him into her home about 3 weeks later.

We have 2 children, a boy of 9 and a girl of 15. Neither the kids like this new boyfriend and feel like guests in their own home. They stay with me most weekends and are glad to be away from their mothers home.

Recently our daughter has taken a real dislike to both her mother and the boyfriend after she found pornographic material belonging to her mother and her new partner.

She is making their life hell by refusing to do what she is told and finding every opportunity to start an argument. She has stolen money from her mother also.

I get phone calls and texts from her mother to *sort out* this situation and talk to our daughter, that *this behaviour is not acceptable anymore*.

My only concern is for the well being of my kids and sure I want them all to be happy because although I am single still, I have moved on and don't want anymore fighting with my ex.

Often I feel like just telling the ex to go away and sort it herself, it is not my home and its not my fault our daughter has lost all respect for her.

But I still want the best outcome for my daughter.

Anyone come across a similar situation.

Taltos

Hi OP.

I have moved your thread to the Parenting forum.
S&D is primarily in place to help people going through the process of either Separation and / or Divorce.

Thanks
Taltos

Beruthiel

atlantisdays wrote: »

But I still want the best outcome for my daughter.

Would she come live with you?
She's old enough to decide that and it might be better for everyone, most especially your daughter.

I have to really question the actions of a mother who would have someone she just met move into her house with children already there.
Most people think long and hard before taking a step like that.

seamus

Is there any scope for the children to move in permanently with you?

January

Hi OP,
I think you might need to sit down together with your ex and your daughter and figure this all out. Be a sort of mediator for them. Figure out why she's being so dis respectful. It can't be easy for her with her mother moving in a new partner so soon and obviously she feels a bit neglected and/or unloved by that.

atlantisdays

I had looked into her moving before but i am at work all day and she has more of a support network where she is living now. Also I really don't want to split the kids up from each other.
In the past I tried to sit down with them both and talk this out but it ended up badly with them shouting at each other.

Her mother is only of the opinion that our daughter has to change and that is that. She will not take any more bad behaviour, which I can understand but to my eyes its so obvious that our daughter feels displaced.

edellc

OP I think your daughter is behaving like a typical teenager who's parent has become romantically involved with someone who isnt their mother/father.

Maybe your daughter held some hope that her parents would one day reunite and a happy family would be formed...I do think that it is time that you and your ex sit her down and explain that was never going to happen. you both made each other unhappy and are better off not together, but that you both love her and want the best for her. Also if she loves both of you then she needs to understand that you both have a life too and need to be happy and if a new partner makes her mother happy then she needs to deal with that.

Speak to your ex about how that partner is interacting with the kids, regardless of how soon this fella moved in, what is done is done and there is no going back so you all need to find a solution that suits you all without letting your daughter dictate your lives to you. you cant please everyone 100% but you can all compromise and come to a working situation. In a few years she will be going to college and moving out, if your ex and her new fella are serious then why should she have to end a relationship just because your daughter is having a tantrum about it.

I know your kids come first in life but in order for a happy home every one needs to be happy and that includes her mother, yes there is a period of readjustment with this new person in place and your kids should not feel like lodgers in their own home, this needs to be addressed. A bond needs to be formed with the new man and this can only come from him, so he needs to get involved and take an interest, he has no need to discipline, but does deserve respect just like your kids do.

OP your daughter is at an age where sex and boys are starting to play a big part in her life (she may not be having sex but its still an issue) so knowing that her mother and new BF are trying out prono moves in the bedroom next door is definitely something that would have freaked me out when I was her age, your ex needs to put this kind of material away in a locked draw..unfortunately what has been seen is very hard to wipe from the memory, so maybe a big sex chat is also needed which includes a discussion about sex aids after all she know now so instead of being morto about it just tell it as it is (by the mother not you, way to embarrassing if dad was to do that)

but most importantly you and your ex need to be on the same page with this one, most kids of separated or divorced parents take the course of action as divide and concur so dont let that happen you stand together as parents, yet needs to listen to your daughters worries and find a way through

best of luck with it OP you will need it for the road ahead, make sure to sit and talk to your ex about this calmly and once you both decided on the way you want to handle it, then speak to your daughter

atlantisdays

many thanks for the reply edellc

i will have to try and sit down and get some sort of resolution between them.

thanks

Sleepy

edellc wrote: »

why should she have to end a relationship just because your daughter is having a tantrum about it.

Because as we all like to teach our children: actions have consequences.

The OP's wife is the one at fault here, not the child. You don't simply move someone into your house a couple of weeks after beginning dating them when you have children and you certainly don't leave your porn lying around where they can find it.

If the new boyfriend hasn't formed any real bond with the kids at this stage, it's unlikely he will imo.

OP: would you be able to afford childcare were you to become primary custodian of the children? (bearing in mind you'd no longer have to pay maintenance though I wouldn't count on the Irish courts to force your ex to pay you any either.

While I wouldn't ever be in favour of preventing a child access to either their parents, I'd certainly be looking for sole custody in your shoes and attempting to arrange a fair access schedule for her to see them.

This being Ireland, you're unlikely to win it, but even applying for it may make your ex grow up and force her to choose between the new boyfriend and her children.

LegacyUser

When I was your daughters age I went through a similar phase with my Mum (minus the stealing). The difference was it was a new baby in the house not a new boyfriend but the result was a bit similar. Understandably myself and my younger sibling were put out by the new baby but my mother did nothing to ease our jealousy and instead reacted with hostility. She'd say things like if the house was on fire she'd save the baby and we could fend for ourselves. Now I'm adult I understand more what she was saying but it was the way she said it and when you're 13 you don't always think rationaly!
Anyway our relationship deteriorated more to the point where I just didn't like her anymore and I withdrew and stopped looking for her attention. So she started looking for mine, in a bad way. By the time I was 15 we were fighting every day, we both felt rejected I think. I was moody and sulky alright but at the same time she would pick a fight with me like if I wore my hair a different way she'd say something like "oooo look at the state of yer woman today" in a bitchy voice. Or just pull a face at me and when I'd ask her what she was making a face for she'd start getting hysterical saying she hadn't done anything. Or mumble something and then go "oh nothing nothing" and smirk. Then she'd go squealing to my dad about how difficult and moody I was.

The reason I'm rambling on there is when you say your daughter is treating her mother badly and not doing as she's told have you witnessed this you Self or are you just being told by the mother?
My father only heard my mothers side of the story. Once he threatened a talk about "this attitude towards" her but it never happened. I was ready to tell all even if I got a bollicking.
I was always a Daddys girl and my mum resented this as well. Chances are your ex is aware her children now prefer your company to hers and could be trying to slander (for want of a better word) your daughter in your eyes. If I were you I would sit down with your daughter and calmly talk to her about the problems. Give her a forum to air her displeasure in a safe enivornment. Say something like "for the next hour you can tell me anything and I won't tell your mother and I won't mention it again". If she starts saying things like "mums a slut or a bitch" don't give out but just calmly say "I know you're angry but you really shouldn't say that about her". You might get an insight into her world and advise her on how best to deal with her anger. If she is being unreasonable herself then she might see that for herself after talking about it. You might get met with a total brick wall either but it might at least help open the dialogue further down the line. If you can't do this, is there an aunt or family friend she could talk with?
It's not fair of your ex to push this back on you but at the end of the day theyre still your children and if somethings upsetting them then you need to be able to help them deal with it. Good luck!

Oh and PS I have a great relationship now with my own mother once I learned to see the bigger picture but I might have got there faster if someone had stepped in and helped me see it

edellc

Sleepy wrote: »

Because as we all like to teach our children: actions have consequences.

so have a tantrum and you get what you want is that what you teach your child....

Sleepy wrote: »

The OP's wife is the one at fault here, not the child. You don't simply move someone into your house a couple of weeks after beginning dating them when you have children and you certainly don't leave your porn lying around where they can find it.

of course the OP's ex was wrong to move a new man in so quickly but its done and you can bitch and moan about it and get nowhere or you can try sit down and work it out....the way adults are suppose to in a civilised society

Sleepy wrote: »

OP: would you be able to afford childcare were you to become primary custodian of the children? (bearing in mind you'd no longer have to pay maintenance though I wouldn't count on the Irish courts to force your ex to pay you any either.

the OP already said this was a no go ...."I had looked into her moving before but i am at work all day and she has more of a support network where she is living now. Also I really don't want to split the kids up from each other."

Do sit down and talk to your daughter OP, my own sister had behaviour similar to this when I was growing up and it all stemmed from her jealousy of me, we are very close in age...it never got any better no matter how hard I tried with her...I would hate for you daughter to feel that she has no one but likewise she has to learn that just because she stamps her feet she doesnt always get what she wants...

movingsucks

It sounds like theres a lot more to it than teenage tantrums and the mother having her happiness threatened by a teen tearaway "stamping feet".

The OPs ex has been very selfish and while yeah ok what's done is done it says a lot about her attitude towards her kids. She's created an unpleasant home life for her children and the fact that the kids feel like guests in their own home a year later suggests not a lot has been done to change this. Her "daughter has to change and thats that" stance suggests she can't be bothered with compromises and just wants the OP to sort it out while she continues suiting herself and her new life. I think it's also a bit unfair of her to push the problem back on the OP but on the other hand it has reached a point where he needs to be involved... again.

However I dont think it should be up to the OP to tell his ex to have a talk about sex and porno with their daughter or make sure the kids bond with her new fella.

To the OP I think you should speak to your daughter on her own in an non confrontational manner and remind her that even though she's upset with her/doesn't agree with what she's done she's still her Mum and stealing and not doing as she's told isn't on.
Maybe try and figure out why she does these things - did she steal the money because her pocket money was witheld as a punishment? Or was it just done out of spite? Is she "not doing as she's told" because the partner is bossing her around and the Mum is just backing him up?

I like the idea above of giving her a sort of amnesty to air her thoughts and feelings.

If you feel she's being unreasonable you should pull her up on these points (you have a curfew because ... you can't go on facebook til 3am because... You need to do household chores because ...) but if her frustrations come from stuff that genuinely seems unfair (can't watch TV in sitting room because mother and boyfriend are mauling each other) then you should give her pointers on how to deal with it and if needed speak to the mother about it. She'll probably tell you to mind your own business if you suggest any changes to their home life though!

Would it be possible for her to stay with you for say just a week and then both mum and daughter agree than when she goes back they will both try harder. A short break from each other might help ease tensions and you can see if she exhibits any of this behaviour day to day with you.

How is your son's behaviour?

movingsucks

Also what does the mother mean when she says she "will not take anymore bad behaviour"?
What's she planning on doing about it?