How do I (we?) always fall so hard for the wrong girl?

LegacyUser

(Captcha: Jeersome Nupital )

Sorry if this is a little off topic, it's a personal issue but also a general question. It's also quite long, possibly because it's almost 2AM and my judgement is impaired
What is it about continuously falling so hard for the wrong person? Does this happen to anyone else or do I have some sort of issue which causes me to do this?

I get crushes all the time, I think most people do. There's nothing wrong with that, and you can get crushes on just about anyone, be they strangers or close friends. As far as I can see that's pretty normal and nothing to worry about.

However, my issue extends a little further. While I have what I'd consider "normal crushes" all the time, every so often I fall very deeply for a girl. I'm pretty sure I've been full on "in love" twice in my life and possibly a third (far too early in the third to determine if it's that deep, and to be honest I'm trying to nip it in the bud before it gets out of control like the other times I mention)

The funny thing is, whenever this has happened to me it's always been in a situation in which for one reason or another it can't work out. I don't want to get too specific lest someone I know be browsing this forum, but think scenarios such as, falling madly for a girl shortly before she moves away, falling for someone who's going out with / used to go out with a close friend and is therefore off limits, falling for someone when there's (probably) too much messy history for her to ever see me as a potential mate, falling for someone who is moving to a different 'phase' in life and I know I'll get left behind if I try anything, yet I go ahead and fall for her anyway... You get the idea.

The funny thing is, I'm not the kind of guy who just can't get girls. I've had a few girlfriends (two of those relationships ended because, shock horror, the girls were only in Ireland for the summer and moved home afterwards - classic example of what I'm talking about here ) and I'm one of those guys who irritatingly can get one night attention relatively easily but has a hard time keeping it going subsequently (every guy's dream, right? On top of all the ridiculousness it feels like I should actually enjoy that even though it always leaves me feeling empty when it's over)

So I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance basically, that I'm not alone in this, that maybe there are other guys (or girls, indeed) out there who develop very serious attractions to people when, for one reason or another, it's just not convenient. That I'm not the only one who's fallen for a girl he's known for a while only to discover that she's just about to move, or who's fallen for a girl who one of his mates ends up with before he has a chance to do anything about it.

Don't get me wrong, I can handle it, I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that here, I've become quite used to it and I generally get through it by writing songs and such (laugh all you like ) but it bugs me sometimes. It just feels like I'm either exceedingly unlucky, or that there might be some reason this keeps happening to me.
Or else it could all just be some very unpleasant coincidences.

So... Can anyone relate to this kind of experience? Anyone else repeatedly fall for the soon-to-be unattainable, or the "off limits" for one reason or another?

(Note: This isn't as simple as "we always want what we can't have" because in most of these cases I only discover that it can't work out AFTER I've already fallen into the trap. At the very least, I'm not consciously seeking out crushes which I know will leave me disappointed or heartbroken. I thought at first that it could be that simple, but I'd have to be some kind of psychic for that theory to work, so back to the drawing board we go...)

Buncha Fives

OP: that is more or less the story of my life...have plenty of luck with the ladies but always end up falling for the ones who it would be best to stay away from. Prime example: went out with a girl for a while, only started to realise after a few months that she had a shocking temper and was like a ticking time bomb if she didn't get her way... even though I could sense I was getting into dangerous territory I couldn't walk away even after being told to do so by my friends and family, I created a mess for myself and she ends up breaking up with me because she didn't get her way over something very minor and even now I still think about her...why? I have no idea, it must be because I can't have her.

Since then I have been going out every weekend and been with some amazing girls, really good looking and also quite into me...I couldn't develop and interest in them at all, none of my friends can figure me out at all and to be honest I see why because I can't really figure myself out either!!

Gooner111

OP, Buncha Fives...lol I hate you both!! I am not so lucky so I wish I had some (just some) of your concerns

But back to business... why not try changing your approach??? It sounds like you want more than just one night stands... maybe a relationship... so when your chatting to these girls ask for a date... if they are only after one thing skip it if it is only going to leave you feeling empty (still think your lucky!!!). Keep moving on to the next one till you find one that meets your standard (ie wants a date). When you find a girl interested in dating take it slow... get to know her etc. Find out if she is staying in the country early on though!!

Roisy7

I could have written the above post just reverse the genders.

I'm a girl and guaranteed, if a guy is interested in me, I don't fancy him. And if I like him, he will be incredibly inconvenient and unavailable.

I've been single for ages and I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me.

So OP you are far from alone, but as for advice, I only wish I could help you.

Buncha Fives

Gooner111 wrote: »

OP, Buncha Fives...lol I hate you both!! I am not so lucky so I wish I had some (just some) of your concerns

But back to business... why not try changing your approach??? It sounds like you want more than just one night stands... maybe a relationship... so when your chatting to these girls ask for a date... if they are only after one thing skip it if it is only going to leave you feeling empty (still think your lucky!!!). Keep moving on to the next one till you find one that meets your standard (ie wants a date). When you find a girl interested in dating take it slow... get to know her etc. Find out if she is staying in the country early on though!!

Your are definitely right when you say I need to change my approach I think I must give off the wrong vibes...because I would love to be in a relationship.

Last weekend was a prime example of what happens to me... I was out drinking in town got talking to a girl through friends after about ten minutes into general chit chat she asks "are you single" yes I reply, then she replies "you wont be lonely tonight" so I ended up going home with her. Now I know only too well that I should be looking for something different to that, but I find it hard to meet girls I like and who I want to get to know properly and it always leaves me feeling a bit lonely and empty afterwards... but yet if I told my friends (who are mostly in long term relationships) about this type of a situation and that I didn't avail of it they actually go mad with me!!

Roisy7

Buncha Fives wrote: »

Your are definitely right when you say I need to change my approach I think I must give off the wrong vibes...because I would love to be in a relationship.

Last weekend was a prime example of what happens to me... I was out drinking in town got talking to a girl through friends after about ten minutes into general chit chat she asks "are you single" yes I reply, then she replies "you wont be lonely tonight" so I ended up going home with her. Now I know only too well that I should be looking for something different to that, but I find it hard to meet girls I like and who I want to get to know properly and it always leaves me feeling a bit lonely and empty afterwards... but yet if I told my friends (who are mostly in long term relationships) about this type of a situation and that I didn't avail of it they actually go mad with me!!

This!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have friends who are like 'oh when was the last time you had a texting thing with someone?' but it's so hard to meet someone in a club who wants something beyond a one-night stand.

And then if a guy comes up to me in a club and he just wants a one-night stand and I don't bring him home, friends are like, 'oh, why didn't you bring him home?'

I honestly don't think I can win in this situation! I would love to know how people actually meet their boyfriends but looking around my friends it seems to be a lot of mutual friends-type situation. Most of my friends are girls or gay men so don't know how I can go about that.

Sorry for the self-pity OP, but hey, you're not alone!

Gooner111

Buncha Fives, Roisy7, OP (if it applies).... Don't worry about your friends opinion. They probably think you's are having a great time being single free etc. Tell them the truth that you are looking for more than a drunken shag! Yes they will probably make some jokes but in reality most likely light hearted stuff. lol they are probably living that life through you's. Anyway you shouldn't be sleeping with strangers just because they want you to!!!

Sure when hitting on someone/being hit on push for dates. IF they are only offering sex then say no thanks. By the sounds of things you's are all getting plenty of attention (seriously jealous!! :P ) so its only a matter of time before you's find others interested in more than just sex. You could try online dating, taking up hobbies (maybe could meet new people this way), asking your friends if they know of nice single people etc.

Buncha Fives

Gooner111 wrote: »

Buncha Fives, Roisy7, OP (if it applies).... Don't worry about your friends opinion. They probably think you's are having a great time being single free etc. Tell them the truth that you are looking for more than a drunken shag! Yes they will probably make some jokes but in reality most likely light hearted stuff. lol they are probably living that life through you's. Anyway you shouldn't be sleeping with strangers just because they want you to!!!

Sure when hitting on someone/being hit on push for dates. IF they are only offering sex then say no thanks. By the sounds of things you's are all getting plenty of attention (seriously jealous!! :P ) so its only a matter of time before you's find others interested in more than just sex. You could try online dating, taking up hobbies (maybe could meet new people this way), asking your friends if they know of nice single people etc.

Right again... I think I am hanging out in the wrong places, although I am not sure about the whole friends thing because I was set up with a friend of a friend a while ago and we slept together on the first night (I hadn't the strength to say no = my own fault) and I had no interest afterwards and since then a few of her friends have tried it on strong when I met them on nights out. I was only with one of them but it made me feel really bad as I felt they were probably comparing notes afterwards... I told one of my friends that I was feeling a bit used and he just shook his head and told me to cop on!!

LegacyUser

Uck can't really offer any advice OP, but you're not alone happens me too all the time, think it may even be happening to me again

These bits struck me...

and to be honest I'm trying to nip it in the bud before it gets out of control like the other times I mention

The funny thing is, whenever this has happened to me it's always been in a situation in which for one reason or another it can't work out. I don't want to get too specific lest someone I know be browsing this forum, but think scenarios such as, falling madly for a girl shortly before she moves away, falling for someone who's going out with / used to go out with a close friend and is therefore off limits, falling for someone when there's (probably) too much messy history for her to ever see me as a potential mate, falling for someone who is moving to a different 'phase' in life and I know I'll get left behind if I try anything, yet I go ahead and fall for her anyway... You get the idea.

I dunno, maybe I'm way off the mark but, do you ever actually tell these girls how you feel before they move away/move to a different phase in life/even if they used to date a fried/etc I know it's something I'm guilty of myself I just write off these situations and am often left wondering what would have happened had I told the guy the true extent of my feelings. I guess if two people feel the same way about each other maybe they'll find ways to make it work, long distance relationship, or whatever. Maybe that's wishful romantic rose-tinted thinking but I guess by not telling the other person how you really feel it's self sabotage in a way. Sometimes you have to fight for what you really want in life.

Maybe all you need to do is to be take a risk now and again and be a little more open with your feelings, instead of nipping it in the bud, if you think there's something there be brave and tell her ? I'm just rambling now but, you might be surprised how when 2 people are really on the same page they'll try and overcome the obstacles to ensure that it can work out

In any case, you're definitely not the only one this happens to OP!

zippy90

Just backing up what Roisy7 said...

As a girl this could completely be the story of my life.

My mates talk about me not being a "hopeless romantic" and instead just "hopeless" :P

Nice to know fellas have the same problem.

Sorry I haven't really got any advice for you, but I'm a big believer in the old saying "If its meant for you, it won't go past you"...maybe (as frustrating as it sounds) you just haven't met the RIGHT girl yet, but when it does happen, everything will just click into place?

Every single happily-married couple I know say they just knew it when they met the right person....

astonaidan

I kinda have the same problem, in Australia first girl I liked I met while I was with someone else, so never had the chance to ask her out, when I was single again went to ask her out and she wasnt working, then I booked a flight to another part of the country went to the shop just after I booked the flights and she was working again, so after 5 months wanting her she took the week I was going to ask her out off, then on a whim I decided to leave the city and she was back working, that day I felt like I was Matt Damon in The Adjustment Bureau, then the next girl I was with in the 4 months we were together never told me she had a boyfriend at home in England, twas crazy

Roisy7

Gooner111 wrote: »

Buncha Fives, Roisy7, OP (if it applies).... Don't worry about your friends opinion. They probably think you's are having a great time being single free etc. Tell them the truth that you are looking for more than a drunken shag! Yes they will probably make some jokes but in reality most likely light hearted stuff. lol they are probably living that life through you's. Anyway you shouldn't be sleeping with strangers just because they want you to!!!

Sure when hitting on someone/being hit on push for dates. IF they are only offering sex then say no thanks. By the sounds of things you's are all getting plenty of attention (seriously jealous!! :P ) so its only a matter of time before you's find others interested in more than just sex. You could try online dating, taking up hobbies (maybe could meet new people this way), asking your friends if they know of nice single people etc.

Thanks Gooner111! In my case it's just one friend really. She has been in a relationship since she was 17 and hasn't a notion what it's like to be single! I have totally given up on the one-night stand thing. I've done it and it's been fun, and I've never felt weird or used the next day, but it just seems... Idk pointless or something?

I'm back home having finished college in a small town where all the available men have emigrated ^^ So planning to leave soon myself and I'll report back on what foreign men are like

Anyway, SomeIdiot (I'm sure a very inaccurate username!) sorry for hijacking your thread, and I hope you do find an available girl soon. Maybe it's just a case of 'what's meant to be'? We can hope

dannyc31

OP. I suppose there a few ways we could look at this. firstly the positives.

1. you are happy and content in yourself as an individual so being single and doing your own thing does not bother you. for alot of people they just have so many insecurities that their only option they feel is to hurry up and get a girlfriend/boyfriend so they will stop feeling bad about themselves.

A good test to prove if you really are in this positive space is are you able to comfortably go out with a group of your friends who are all paired up and you being the only single one there and just mix with all of them as individuals without feeling all self conscience? if so you are in a great place as a person.

2. unfortunately the way are society is structured, its only seen as normal to be in a couple relationship and if you are not, you are seen as odd or sad or lonely sitting at home alone with your cat. but if you are in the good space described above, you can really make the most of your life and life in general. the world can literally be your oyster. so instead of worrying about a life you dont have, why not start focusing and being happy with the life you do have.

you're young and free with plenty of time ahead of yourself to meet someone. i also thought i was a "just wanting what i cant have" man but i've decided instead to follow the philosophy of "IF ITS MEANT FOR YOU, IT WONT PASS YOU BY"

Ellsbells

Op have you an issue with commitment? You seem to choose people rho are off limits or who you know are leaving? Maybe you subconsciously don't want a longer term relationship?

Katy89

Ellsbells wrote: »

Op have you an issue with commitment? You seem to choose people rho are off limits or who you know are leaving? Maybe you subconsciously don't want a longer term relationship?

that's my guess as well...not uncommon at all.