New relationship after abusive boyfriend

ZebraStar

I was in a very abusive relationship for nearly four years from the time I was 18 until I was 21. My ex destroyed my life and when it was over I was isolated, I had no friends and zero confidence. I had let my education fall by the wayside and i was unemployed. I also had a baby.
Those years of my life were terrible and even when I left him, I still endured abuse as he had access to his child. This continued until he took his own life 2 years ago.

I started a new relationship over the summer. My new boyfriend is lovely and we are getting on great, but obviously my past has had a massive effect on me. He knows my ex is dead and that he wasn't nice but that's it.

Should I let him know what happened to me? I feel it's such a massive part of my life and by keeping it quiet I'm hiding the true me. It would also explain to him why I don't have many close friends etc.

I'm afraid that if I do speak about it it will be too much for him. He's only 23 and hasn't had the same sort of life experience as me.

What would be the best thing to do?

Merkin

You poor thing, sounds like you have really been through it. I do think it's a good idea to tell your boyfriend about your past as it will help him understand you and any potential issues better. I would give some thought how you tell him though as at twenty there he could still be quite immature and find the particularly horrific parts very hard to deal with.As such, I absolutely would open up to him but very much on your own terms and if some things are too painful for you to recount then you are not obliged to do so.I really hope this guy brings you happiness love, sounds like you really deserve it x

Big Bag of Chips

I don't mean to be flippant, but not many people will have had the same life experiences as you.

The big question is, do you trust your boyfriend? If so then it shouldn't matter how old he is, or what he has or hasn't experienced in life. If you trust him, and you feel he really cares for you then you should tell him.

On the other hand though, if this is a fairly new relationship, and you are just enjoying it and having a bit of fun for the moment, then why not just enjoy that for what it is? A light relationship, a million miles away from your previous one.

For me it would all depend on how 'serious' the relationship is.

By the way... Why not try get back in touch with some of your old friends. They might be delighted to hear from you (and might know more than you think, about why you lost touch with them)

Ellsbells

I dont think you should tell him yet. Its still very early days and I think its important unless absolutely necessary to have fun times at the start. You cant change the past but there is no need to bring it into the present just yet. Take time to enjoy what you have

ZebraStar

Thanks for your replies!

I have reconnected with one or two old friends lately. It's been really nice but its hard to keep up with them because of my responsibilities with my child.

I'd love to have a fun, carefree relationship but I'm finding it really hard. I have been going out with my new boyfriend for four months, so it's not too serious at the moment. He is back at college at the moment and has a very carefree life so in that respect I'm not too sure that he could handle all the baggage!

I think though that if it's too much for him maybe he's just not mature enough for the kind of relationship I would like? Confused!

Ellsbells

But it's in the past. Why not just enjoy what you have for now? Are you looking for an excuse to finish with him?

ZebraStar

Ellsbells wrote: »

But it's in the past. Why not just enjoy what you have for now? Are you looking for an excuse to finish with him?

I'm finding it hard to leave the past in the past! I don't want to finish it with him. It's hard to explain how I feel, but it's difficult being with someone who has a relatively easy life, especially when my life is the total opposite. I don't know if I'm making sense here!

Ellsbells

You are making sense but tbh you sound, to me, like you are looking to scupper the possibility of a happy life by shutting off this guy before you get to know him. Either that or under it all you don't want to be with him.

There seem to be issues you haven't dealt with so maybe it's an idea to be single and deal with them before getting into another relationship?

Molloys Clondalkin

Ellsbells wrote: »

But it's in the past. Why not just enjoy what you have for now? Are you looking for an excuse to finish with him?

Just to throw the cat amongst the pidgeons here please have a think how your bf might be viewing this.

If it was me I would like to know what I was getting involed in before there was serious commitments, he might not be 100 % comfortable with it.
also in todays world there are a lot of people who make up absolutley stupid stories to please thier self confidence issues I know you are not one of these but there are people who do, how can you tell if your bf believes you yet. all you have told him is small tidbits of information. You will have to thread carefully here.

I know one girl who has told people she was abused, harassed that she is Jewish loves one thing hates it the next etc etc. all the while not one thing was true and all it is about is relishing on peoples scence of "poor you arent you great for that"
Its very difficult to to be on both sides of the fence these days.

I think If you let him know in small doses he will be able to absorb everything but the drawback is it could play on his mind and lead to some arkward questions. ones you will have to answer, then at the end of the day if he decides he is able to stay with you and you decide he isworthy of you and you are both mature and responsible enough to live through your tourture, then may you have the best relationship that you can possibly have and we expect an invite when the wedding comes

Ellsbells

ZebraStar wrote: »

I'm finding it hard to leave the past in the past! I don't want to finish it with him. It's hard to explain how I feel, but it's difficult being with someone who has a relatively easy life, especially when my life is the total opposite. I don't know if I'm making sense here!

I do understand op but you need to make a decision now. Are you going to continue allowing your past into your present or are you going to move on?

blacklilly

Ellsbells wrote: »

ZebraStar wrote: »

I'm finding it hard to leave the past in the past! I don't want to finish it with him. It's hard to explain how I feel, but it's difficult being with someone who has a relatively easy life, especially when my life is the total opposite. I don't know if I'm making sense here!

I do understand op but you need to make a decision now. Are you going to continue allowing your past into your present or are you going to move on?

ellsbells no disrespect but what you've suggested is easier said then done
The op has obviously been through an awful lot and as her ex is now dead, there may be unfinished business there. She possibly never got the chance to tell him how he destroyed her etc, added to that is the fact that he is the father of her child.
From personal experience ( no child involved) it took me a long time to get back to myself after suffering an abusive relationship. I would suggest maybe seeking councelling to help deal with the past. Remember the past in many cases molds our future and you cannot easily just wipe away memories be they negative or positive.
I think it is a little early to tell your new boyfriend however and it might be a good idea to perhaps gently and slowly let him know the extent of your previous abusive relationship.
Don't be worrying whether or not he'll judge you, after all it is your past and it is part of you (doesn't mean it will control your future) also just because he seems to have a relatively easy life, student etc doesn't mean his life experiences have been a bed of roses.
I wish you the best of luck in your future

Esoteric_

As someone who has been in a severely abusive relationship in the past, I can completely empathise with your decision, OP.

I don't think it's something you can simply choose to not allow to affect your life, because (in my experience) no matter how well you are and no matter how well you deal with your issues from said abuse, sometimes, at vulnerable moments, the memories and such can rear their ugly heads and affect you whether you want them to or not.

Usually, I wait about 3 months before telling anyone about my past. In my opinion, it's long enough that I feel I can judge whether or not they could handle it, but it's also not too soon to be bombarding them with information that is pretty traumatic. At three months, it's generally not very serious anyway, so if he can't handle it, neither of you should be totally destroyed by him possibly leaving.

I hope what I said makes sense OP, but I felt the need to comment here as I felt a few comments so far have been quite harsh.

Tell him when you feel ready, but remember that your past played a role in shaping who you are, and he does deserve to know the truth.

Good luck.

Lorna123

Only tell him what he needs to know. If the relationship is going fine then no need to tell him anything. Only give him explanations when things are not going well and you feel you need to explain why. It is best to enter this relationship with a clean slate and not have your past determining how it goes. I hope it works out for you.