How to avoid an upcoming argument

LegacyUser

I have a typical Irish Mammy where she mammies grown men. I had three brothers living at home a few months ago and nothing was expected of them. Even though two of them had jobs, excuses were made for them to why they never paid their way. They’re saving for Australia. While my mother struggled with money and supported them and also providing for them. They didn’t have to pay towards bills and my mother bought their food, while they were all going out drinking every weekend. While she struggled with money she would often turn to my sister for loans to pay for the bills. My sister was often given sorry stories and was guilt tripped into these loans. My sister had her own flat, her own rent, bills and food. My sister never saw that money again. My mother didn’t have to take my sister’s money, she just had to take money of the people living there but they were lads and lads will be lads. It was very unfair on my mother but she allowed it and made excuses for them.

It’s not too bad now as two of my brothers are gone to Australia and not a word from them. They are living the life now. But there is one more brother at home. Due to the recession, my sister had to move home. I finished a course and I am looking for work so I moved home until I get work. Both myself (I’m a girl) and my sister pay our way at home, we pay our share of the bills and buy our own food. But then my mother doesn’t take anything of my brother, he doesn’t contribute to bills and my mother buys his food. He goes out drinking every weekend, has a credit card and he has a car to run. He gets an allowance for doing a course, which is more than what I get on the dole. While my mother makes excuses for him not to pay. He’s doing a course, he has a car to run, he has to have a social life and meet his friends and drink, the list is endless.

Anyway, this same brother is finishing up his course in a few weeks and doing another one but its away from home. My mother made excuses for him while at home not to pay his way. But what will he do when living away from home. I am presuming he will be on the same allowance as it’s a continuation of the course he’s doing now. I have asked him how will he cope on his allowance of €220 a week. He has to get rent, bills and food. Its quite doable on that allowance. But he has also said that he isn’t giving up his car, so he will also have the cost of a car on top of this. Its his responsibility if he wants to keep the car. I know it won’t be easy.

What I am dreading and I know my mother so well, is it’ll be up to her. She’s on the dole herself with a small cash in hand job. Its not a lot. In total, she comes out with €230 a week. But not just her, I know her so well, she will demand myself and my sister to hand him over money also. While she makes excuses for him. If €220 a week wasn’t a lot for him while at home, what will it be like while he’s renting?

I should also say that while I was doing my course I got the back to education allowance which was the same as the dole of €188 a week. I lived away from home and just about made it with rent, bills and food. I wasn’t going out and I had to give up with my car before I started the course cause I knew it was one or the other.

I’m not prepared to pay for my brother’s living expenses and I don’t want to be guilt tripped into it either cause I know that €220 is loads but probably not enough when you don’t want to give up your car.

Sorry for the long post but I know its only matter of weeks before this argument starts. And it will start. One of my brothers had a holiday last Christmas to Australia, it was his choice to go, he saved for it and my mother wanted to wire him money. He didn’t even ask for it. My mother allows this behaviour and also encourages it. If she wanted to help him out during his holiday to the other side of the world, which he paid for himself, what will she do for a brother with little money on a course. My brother is out drinking every weekend and he isn’t one bit worried about the course he will be doing in a few weeks. He hasn’t even thought about where his rent deposit is going to come from. I suppose its easy for him as he knows he has mammy that will sort him out. It’s my mother’s choice if she wants to support him but its not mine. My sister feels the same way and we have very little money ourselves without this hanging over us and to be guilt tripped into it. My mother used to give her sorry stories to get her to give loans while she was in her flat. This won’t be any different.

Am I or my sister being unfair here by refusing? It hasn’t even happened yet, but I want to be prepared for when it does.

Idle Passerby

I think this is your mothers problem and not yours. Its crap that your brothers take advantage of her but she allows it. Its crap that she expects the girls to be responsible and the boys can milk her like they were still in primary school but that's her choice. Its crap that you are out of work and had to move home and be witness to these double standards.

But if your not willing to bring all of this up with your brother (and by the sounds of it I doubt he would care) there isn't a lot you can do. So Id say behave in the way you feel is right, paying your way etc and try to forget that your brother/brothers have a different relationship with your mother.

Your brother is I'm sure aware that he will have to pay for rent and all when he moves out. He may have put money aside for that? He may realise he will have to live more frugally than he has been allowed to at home. Short of taking over your mother's finances for her all you can do is continue making your own contributions but do not bail her out when she pisses all her money away on her sons. She's a grown woman with adult sons who she allows get away with this.

movingsucks

Just tell her you don't have the money if she asks. I know its hard But you have to think of yourselves as well.

tinkerbell

Why in the name of god are you even talking about getting guilt tripped into paying for your brother?! Pay your fair share of rent and bills, buy your own food too. After that, you don't owe them anything - especially your Scrooge of a brother. You and your sister need to stop being doormats, you are enabling the behaviour by giving her the money - if she didn't have it, she couldn't give it away. Your brothers are not your responsibility - they are adults.

Gooner111

You and your sister aren't wrong or being unfair but nothing you can do about your mother while she doesn't want to change. She is accepting the situation and until that changes you and your sister will have this issue. Seriously how selfish are your brothers!. Being spoiled is one thing but when your mam is struggling for cash and they still don't help out... just wrong!!! I am assuming you and your sister have talked to your brothers about all this. If not then start! Mightn't get you anywhere but you won't know unless you try.

Can you and your sister not rent a place together????? A house share even.

And do not lend your mother money!! Yes I know that is easier said than done but if you don't want to be supporting your brothers you and your sister are going to have to be strict.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I have an "irish mammy", she'd put money in your pocket while you're not looking and did my washing until I was 25 (when my conscience kicked in) even though I moved out at 19:rolleyes:. But guess what? I'm female. Me and my siblings, boys and girls, have all had the benefit of an "irish mammy", not just the males. Your mother is a sexist plan and simple. I'd be moving out. I know you said you're broke etc but as someone else says get a houseshare maybe even room share with your sister. I personally wouldn't be able to take sexism like that from anyone, even my mother as much as I love her.

Best of luck.