Eleven year old refusing to visit her dad.

boxercreations

Basically my OH's 11 year old daughter (one of 3 girls) is refusing to stay with him at the weekend as she doesn't like him being in a relationship. (With me )
Have no idea how to deal with the situation - we don't live near each other and as we thought it was important for them to have time with him, I have only been there three times for one day of the weekend in 18 months. The last time she seriously acted up but it was dismissed as her being over tired :rolleyes:.
Now she's refusing to stay with him as she doesn't like him being in a relationship ...

Orion

This is a perfectly normal reaction. She could be blaming you for breaking up her mam and dad or preventing them getting back together. She's looking at it with a child's eyes and wants them together. She will, more than likely, grow out of it. You just need to be patient and let her work through her own feelings. If her mother and you and your partner are on good terms then maybe all of you should go out on a kid's outing together - even to a playground. It may help her to see that the new relationship is not a threat to her family.

Piliger

boxercreations wrote: »

Basically my OH's 11 year old daughter (one of 3 girls) is refusing to stay with him at the weekend as she doesn't like him being in a relationship. (With me )
Have no idea how to deal with the situation - we don't live near each other and as we thought it was important for them to have time with him, I have only been there three times for one day of the weekend in 18 months. The last time she seriously acted up but it was dismissed as her being over tired :rolleyes:.
Now she's refusing to stay with him as she doesn't like him being in a relationship ...

This poor little girl is going through a terrible time in her head clearly and the adults in the situation must step up and try to help her adjust to her new life situation, not simply to pander to her fears and emotions without actually tackle the underlying cause.

"I have only been there three times for one day of the weekend in 18 months." I assume you mean your home with your OH when the girls visit ?

I do not think this is the way to deal with it. Putting you out of your own house is no solution to anything and is deeply disrespectful to you.

What is needed here is for your OH to get together with his ex and to work hard to reassure this little girl. She should be the focus of the effort and her mother should play a major role.

I think you MUST stay in your home when these girls come to visit. You should show them that you are making their Dad happy and that you don't think you are trying to be their mother. If the little one refuses to visit, then she should be allowed not to. Your OH has to accept that he may not have her staying over for a while, until she adjusts. The others sisters will carry back news about you and they will work to reassure her too.

Your OH should do his best to visit her in her own home for short visits and work gently on reassuring her when he is there, together with his ex. This little girl needs time to adjust and up to now she has not needed to adjust because no one helped her to do so. Kicking you out of your home was not helping her .. it was just avoiding what needed to be done.

Best wishes.

kflynn

OP

In my opinion it could be a lot to do with loyalty for her mother so try not to confuse this with being spoilt. I know you didn't say that but it would be a reasonable conclusion if you didn't understand what she was going through.

I'm not sure if it is possible for you, but if you could form some sort of civil relationship with the mother where she could see you get along together that would be good. Otherwise, just try to show some respect for the mother in some form. I'm not sure that is the right way to word that but I hope you get my drift, recognise that she is there.

And you giving them some space together is great! It is crucial for this to happen. BUT, the other posters are correct, the amount of time you are not there for means its harder for her to adjust. You could be there and still give them there alone time at the start and slowly ease into having time together.

This might sound bad or trying to put you down but just at the start you need to show her that you recognise you are coming into her life, and you care about her opinions. As in if you come into the house don't just walk by her and straight to her dad.

Granted she may use this as a license to walk all over you at which point you will have to put your foot down. But she may not, and to me its whats needed to make this really tricky situation better.

All the best OP,once you have the best of intentions and you seem to have these you'll be fine!!

boxercreations

Thank you for all the replys.
To clarify - we currently live seperately, I meant I have only been in his home 3 times while the kids are there - they have visited me and my children twice. Generally, he comes and stays with me 1/2 nights midweek and I'll go up there during the week while kids are on hols & then bring them home to visit their dad on Friday. It's not the easiest but thought it was best not to rush into anything - we did think of me just moving in with my kids but I felt that wasn't fair on anyone, that when we did move it should be to a home that was new to all of us.
We have just bought a house which needs renovating and so moving in together is coming down the line but I am prepared to wait until the time is right if that's what we need to do.
His ex partner seems to be quite happy with her being at home;in fact seems to be enjoying it. There are still contentions between her and my partner. Also as she is currently single & has her eldest daughter at home for babysitting she seems unconcerned about the child being at home but when she had a partner then the children spent every weekend without exception with their dad.
I know she is just trying to figure out where she fits in but I cannot figure out the best solution for us all. Should her mother insist she goes to her dad as has been the arrangement for the past 4 years? Do we let her come to her decision as to when she resumes visits?
A civilised meeting with his ex and us, is tbh a far fetched proposition & while I do want our blended family to be as successful as it can be, I am very aware I am not her mother but I do have expectations regarding respect which extends to everyone, not just the children.
The sad part is that she is denying herself the thing that she obviously wants most - her dad's time & love - which he has unending supplies of.
I'm no closer to an answer.

Piliger

boxercreations wrote: »

Should her mother insist she goes to her dad as has been the arrangement for the past 4 years? Do we let her come to her decision as to when she resumes visits?

It would be an enormous mistake to force her imho. Let her come to her own decision. Otherwise what is already a traumatic situation for her will become a tragic and possibly crippling experience that will stain the rest of her life.

A civilised meeting with his ex and us, is tbh a far fetched proposition & while I do want our blended family to be as successful as it can be, I am very aware I am not her mother but I do have expectations regarding respect which extends to everyone, not just the children.

A meeting is unnecessary and inappropriate imho. Ultimately the responsibilities lie with the parents here.

The sad part is that she is denying herself the thing that she obviously wants most - her dad's time & love - which he has unending supplies of.

Of course it's sad. The whole situation is very sad. I've been through it. But trying to apply rational thinking is misguided. This is all about emotions and perceptions. Not facts and logic. This girl needs time. The parents need to give her that time and not approach the problem as one that needs to be 'fixed' now.

I'm no closer to an answer.

There is no 'answer'. There is only what is best out of a range of sad options. Which path to take so that this little girl suffers the least trauma in the long run.

All the best. (btw I am 50+, divorced with kids)

OkayWhatever

Tbh, I think insisting she visits her dad is the wrong thing to do? It could make it feel like a chore rather than something she wants to do. And if it's something she really doesn't want at the moment, could lead to resentment and what not,and in turn make things a lot worse (as another poster pointed out).

My parents are divorced and it may just be a case of her genuinely just needing some space and a bit of time, it could be getting a bit much.Maybe leave her be for a few weeks and re-approach the situation. If things don't change there may be some deeper problems that may need to be addressed.

I don't think you should feel obliged to leave them alone either, you being around is something she needs to get used to.

Like she is 11, i'm 20 and still find my dad being with someone else difficult! You just learn to deal with it and maybe giving her some time and space will allow her to learn how to deal with it her own way. Just make sure that she does know that she is missed and it would be nice if she could visit again on weekends, and it's okay if she needs some time out or whatever,without her feeling too much pressure to start visiting again.