Her Naked Skin [NSFW for bewbs and general lewdness]

Gryphonboy

This is a chapter from my work in progress Sci-fantasy novel 'The Firewall Saga'

I am actively seeking beta readers for the first draft so if you are interested please let me know. I will give you editor access to the draft on fastpencil.com and would really appreciate any feedback/criticism.:D

This scene introduces one of the main characters, Slovenia.

---

"Do not bite at the bait of pleasure, till you know there is no hook beneath it."

- Thomas Jefferson

~

The Countess Slovenia threw her helmet on to the table in disgust. Her long, flaxen hair was matted with sweat. She slowly ran her hands through it to shake out the tangles. Her hands came away streaked with blood. She looked at them for a moment in bewilderment and then picked the helmet back up. The highly polished metal glinted in the candlelight. Turning it in her hands, she ran her fingers thoughtfully over a clean gash that marked the right hemisphere.

"Fetch me water for a bath." She said, turning to face Israel, her aide-de-camp.

The eunuch nodded and left the tent without saying a word. When he had gone Slovenia began the arduous task of removing her battle garb. Ring mail, leather under suit, steel boots, plate greaves and gauntlets, leather ailettes and her silk underwear all piled up at her feet. She stood for a moment. The warm air felt cool on her naked skin after the stifling heat from wearing all that armour. Her body was battered and bruised but she stood proudly erect, stretching the stiffness and aches from her limbs. She paced over to the ornate, polished bronze shield that served as a full length mirror. Her reflection gazed back at her, rippling slightly from the imperfections on the bronze surface. Despite this, she found the view most pleasing. The woman before her was beautiful. Tall and proud, with jet black hair that hung down to the swell of her buttocks. She spent some time examining herself. Her breasts still bore the pert firmness of youth, swelling lightly from her chest with slightly raised nipples that held the faintest promise of womanly bounty.

Israel returned, trailed by five slaves carrying pitchers of steaming hot water. He directed them to fill the iron cauldron that served as her bath tub. As they were pouring the contents of their pitchers into the cauldron he added a mixture of chamomile, eucalyptus, sage and comfrey root, topped with a handful of deeply perfumed rose petals.

Slovenia approached the tub and inhaled deeply breathing in the thick aroma that rose with the steam. It smelled faintly medicinal.

"What manner of potion is this?" She asked.

"Just an herbal remedy your Highness." He replied. "I cannot prepare your glamour without first cleansing the base of bruising. Your marshals cannot be allowed to see that there is weakness in you. Not at this critical time."

She knew he spoke the truth. It was entirely because of her miraculous beauty that she had managed to get this far. The staunchly patriarchal society she had managed to grab leadership of would not suffer feminine weakness. She knew that the cost to maintain her rule was a combination of battle prowess and pure seduction. She had an unusual power over the men that she commanded and she exploited it to its full potential.

She stepped into the bath and lay back, letting her eunuchs soft, firm hands cleanse the filth and blood of battle from her body. He tutted and clucked at the devastation he beheld.

"I shall have to be creative tonight, Highness." He said reproachfully, "Some of these bruises will not recover for many days no matter what I do. I shall have to ensure that the paint and jewels draw the eye to your most appealing features."

He frowned at a particularly garish bruise that crossed her upper thigh. That particular route to pleasure would no longer work and his designs would need to draw all attention to her breasts and arms. He was deeply thankful that no blemish ruined the erotic landscape of her back and buttocks.

When he was done he rose and was about to call for the slaves to fetch fresh water for the bath when Slovenia took his hand and stopped him. She held on for a moment, allowing a tension to build in the atmosphere.

“I need you to be a little more, thorough, Israel my friend.” She whispered.

“As my Lady wishes.” He replied softly.

He knelt back down beside her and began tenderly stroking her face. He gently traced his long fingers across her cheek, following the edge of her jaw line and down the fragile curve of her throat. She let out a small sigh as his hands moved softly across her chest, cupping her breasts and gently massaging nipples that sprang to rigid attention at the touch. Israel smiled to himself as Slovenia lay back in the fragrant water, arching her back to keep her bosom raised above it. Keeping one hand working her breasts, he allowed the other to drift across her belly. He caressed the outline of the muscles on her abdomen as they tightened reflexively in response to the touch of his fingers. He marveled at the beautiful athletic figure before him. She may as well have been carved from the finest marble and he sighed at the thought that he could never have her.

“You would be no good to me with your manhood intact Israel.” She murmured softly in response to his sigh. “I cannot rely on a man that is overcome by my glamour.”

“I know my lady, but the appreciation of a work of art does not lie in the loins.”

Slovenia opened an eye and gave Israel a sidelong look before rolling over in the bath and presenting him her perfectly formed buttocks.

“Appreciate this.” She said playfully.

“With pleasure my lady.”

Slovenia braced herself against the side of the tub, took a deep breath and let her eunuchs’ hands release the pent-up passions that boiled across her soul.

Later, he helped her out of the bath and had her lay down on the bed as he emptied it and then refilled it with fresh water. He scented the water with lavender oil and had her climb back in.

"Call for me when you are ready." He said and left, heading for his own small tent to dream up a glamour to stop the hearts of men. The way things were going, she was going to need all the help she could get.

EileenG

Gryphonboy wrote: »

This is a chapter from my work in progress Sci-fantasy novel 'The Firewall Saga'

I am actively seeking beta readers for the first draft so if you are interested please let me know. I will give you editor access to the draft on fastpencil.com and would really appreciate any feedback/criticism.:D

This scene introduces one of the main characters, Slovenia.

---

"Do not bite at the bait of pleasure, till you know there is no hook beneath it."

- Thomas Jefferson

~

The Countess Slovenia threw her helmet on to the table in disgust. Her long, flaxen hair was matted with sweat. She slowly ran her hands through it to shake out the tangles. Her hands came away streaked with blood. She looked at them for a moment in bewilderment and then picked the helmet back up. The highly polished metal glinted in the candlelight. Turning it in her hands, she ran her fingers thoughtfully over a clean gash Can a helmet have a clean gash? that marked the right hemisphere.

"Fetch me water for a bath." She said, ...bath," she said turning to face Israel, her aide-de-camp.

The eunuch nodded and left the tent without saying a word. When he had gone Slovenia began the arduous task of removing her battle garb. Ring mail, leather under suit, steel boots, Steel boots? are you sure? plate greaves and gauntlets, leather ailettes and her silk underwear all piled up at her feet. She stood for a moment. The warm air felt cool on her naked skin after the stifling heat from wearing all that armour. Her body was battered and bruised but she stood proudly erect, stretching the stiffness and aches from her limbs. She paced over to the ornate, polished bronze shield that served as a full length mirror. Her reflection gazed back at her, rippling slightly from the imperfections on the bronze surface. Despite this, she found the view most pleasing. The woman before her was beautiful. Tall and proud, with jet black hair It was flaxen in the first paragraph. that hung down to the swell of her buttocks. She spent some time examining herself. Her breasts still bore the pert firmness of youth, swelling lightly from her chest with slightly raised nipples that held the faintest promise of womanly bounty. This is confusing. Is she a grown woman, or a girl just reaching puberty?

Israel returned, trailed by five slaves carrying pitchers of steaming hot water. He directed them to fill the iron cauldron that served as her bath tub. You're kidding. As they were pouring the contents of their pitchers into the cauldron he added a mixture of chamomile, eucalyptus, sage and comfrey root, topped with a handful of deeply perfumed rose petals.

Slovenia approached the tub and inhaled deeply comma here breathing in the thick aroma that rose with the steam. It smelled faintly medicinal.

"What manner of potion is this?" She asked. she

"Just an herbal remedy, your Highness." He he replied. "I cannot prepare your glamour without first cleansing the base of bruising. Your marshals cannot be allowed to see that there is weakness in you. Not at this critical time."

She knew he spoke the truth. It was entirely because of her miraculous beauty that she had managed to get this far. The staunchly patriarchal society she had managed to grab leadership of would not suffer feminine weakness. She knew that the cost to maintain her price of? rule was a combination of battle prowess and pure seduction. She had an unusual power over the men that she commanded and she exploited it to its full potential.

She stepped into the bath and lay back,don't be silly, she's in a big saucepan. letting her eunuch' soft, firm are they soft or firm? hands cleanse the filth and blood of battle from her body. He tutted and clucked at the devastation he beheld.What devastation? We've just had a visual tour of her unblemished beauty

"I shall have to be creative tonight, Highness." He said reproachfully, "Some of these bruises will not recover for many days no matter what I do. I shall have to ensure that the paint and jewels draw the eye to your most appealing features."

He frowned at a particularly garish bruise that crossed her upper thigh. That particular route to pleasure would no longer work and his designs would need to draw all attention to her breasts and arms. He was deeply thankful that no blemish ruined the erotic landscape of her back and buttocks.

When he was done he rose and was about to call for the slaves to fetch fresh water for the bath when Slovenia took his hand and stopped him. She held on for a moment, allowing a tension to build in the atmosphere.

“I need you to be a little more,why that comma? thorough, Israel my friend.” She whispered.

“As my Lady wishes.” He replied softly.

He knelt back down beside her and began tenderly stroking her face. He gently traced his long fingers across her cheek, following the edge of her jaw line and down the fragile curve of her throat. She let out a small sigh as his hands moved softly across her chest, cupping her breasts and gently massaging nipples that sprang to rigid attention at the touch. Israel smiled to himself as Slovenia lay back in the fragrant water, arching her back to keep her bosom raised above it. Keeping one hand working her breasts, he allowed the other to drift across her belly. He caressed the outline of the muscles on her abdomen as they tightened reflexively in response to the touch of his fingers. He marveled at the beautiful athletic figure before him. She may as well have been carved from the finest marble and he sighed at the thought that he could never have her.

“You would be no good to me with your manhood intact Israel.” She can read minds? She murmured softly in response to his sigh. “I cannot rely on a man that is overcome by my glamour.”

“I know my lady, but the appreciation of a work of art does not lie in the loins.”

Slovenia opened an eye and gave Israel a sidelong look before rolling over in the bath the big saucepan and presenting him her perfectly formed buttocks.

“Appreciate this.” She said playfully.

“With pleasure, my lady.”

Slovenia braced herself against the side of the tub, took a deep breath and let her eunuchs’ hands release the pent-up passions that boiled across her soul.I thought I was good at smut, but I'm at a loss as ot what is happening here.

Later, he helped her out of the bath and had her lay lie down on the bed is she still wet and goopy? as he emptied it and then refilled it with fresh water. He scented the water with lavender oil and had her climb back in.

"Call for me when you are ready." He said and left, heading for his own small tent to dream up a glamour to stop the hearts of men. The way things were going, she was going to need all the help she could get.

I've noted some things that need fixing. The punctuation of the dialogue needs work.

I'm sorry, I can't swallow a cauldron being used as a bath. She would have a hip bath.

If this scene was to introduce her, would it not have been better to keep it in her pov all the way through?

Gryphonboy

EileenG wrote: »

I've noted some things that need fixing. The punctuation of the dialogue needs work.

I'm sorry, I can't swallow a cauldron being used as a bath. She would have a hip bath.

If this scene was to introduce her, would it not have been better to keep it in her pov all the way through?

Hi Eileen.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and to reply with feedback.

You're quite right about the cauldron thing. I had initially intended all of her stuff to be military equipment (The setting is her tent in the army camp) but I changed my mind and forgot to change that bit.

Flaxen is also a holdover and definitely needs correcting too :-)

She has small boobs so they're perky was all I was trying to say but you're right, that bit needs to be rewritten for clarity.

You question the use of the word 'devastation' when Israel is clucking over her in the bath. I don't see the problem though since I describe her body as being battered and bruised when she is looking at herself in the mirror.

"She can read minds?" ... maybe :cool:

The bit where she leans against the side of the tub is basically her letting Israel rub one out of her :P He's a eunuch so that's all he can really offer her.
Probably going to have rewrite that bit if that wasn't clear enough.

I'm not sure what you meant by the is she still wet and goopy bit. But I will rewrite that whole bit to make it clear that she has been properly serviced by her aide.

Thanks again for your feedback.

EileenG

She had rolled over in the tub and presented her back to him. That position gives him her buttocks and back and closed legs. It's a very awkward position for a hand job. Surely it would have been much easier if she lay on her back in the tub, and put one or both feet up on the side of it? That position would open her up to his hands.

You did a bit of head-hopping with the bath. The reader knew why he was sighing, but he didn't say a word and she had her eyes closed. To her, that sigh could just as easily have been "How does this bitch get so dirty?"

Gryphonboy

EileenG wrote: »

She had rolled over in the tub and presented her back to him. That position gives him her buttocks and back and closed legs. It's a very awkward position for a hand job.

Not at all! Not to be crass but that position affords fantastic access to the nether regions. My wife would highly recommend you try it

EileenG wrote: »

You did a bit of head-hopping with the bath. The reader knew why he was sighing, but he didn't say a word and she had her eyes closed. To her, that sigh could just as easily have been "How does this bitch get so dirty?"

True, I'll tweak it a bit.
I do want to give the impression that they are very close and that each can tell what the other is thinking before they think it.

EileenG

Gryphonboy wrote: »

Not at all! Not to be crass but that position affords fantastic access to the nether regions. My wife would highly recommend you try it


True, I'll tweak it a bit.
I do want to give the impression that they are very close and that each can tell what the other is thinking before they think it.

I still can't visualise it. Bear in mind, she's in a fecking hip bath, not a bed. If I can't visualise it, and I mentally choreograph all sex scenes, I'm betting the average reader can't either.

To avoid the head-hopping, stay in her pov.

He sighed. She had known him long enough to know it was a combination of lust and regret. "You would be no good to me with your manhood intact," she said.

Gryphonboy

Eileen, thanks again for your feedback on this.

I have a question for you regarding non capitalization of pronouns after quotations marks. Why is this? What is the rule for this and are there scenarios where a capital would be correct?

I'm facing the daunting prospect of having to trawl through the entire manuscript to correct these bloody things

coffee_cake

Gryphonboy wrote: »

Eileen, thanks again for your feedback on this.

I have a question for you regarding non capitalization of pronouns after quotations marks. Why is this? What is the rule for this and are there scenarios where a capital would be correct?

Quotes are often part of an overall sentence. If they aren't, then you need to make sure the following sentence contains an independent clause.
For example:

"Fetch me water," she said.

"Fetch me water." "She said". <- "She said." is not a sentence (she said what? The "what" needs to be contained in the sentence or referred to in it)

You can have quotes on their own as dialogues:
"Fetch me water for a bath."
"Right away, Countess."

Let's see... Eileen also highlighted:
"What manner of potion is this?" She asked

"She asked" is not a sentence either. If you put it on its own, there's no sense to it. It's clearly part of the preceding sentence, so small letter and no full stop following the quote.

You're missing a vocative comma or two as well which she didn't highlight, and some she did.

Gryphonboy

Okay that makes sense. Thank you.