How to stay away, advice needed please!

hopeful as always

I joined here for a bit of advice and perspective, I'm just coming out of an eight year relationship which was very happy for five years but then things started to fall apart a bit, I had an awful lot on in work, had to work late nights, bring work home, that sort of thing,my boyfriend grew distant and eventually moved out, we continued our relationship, him often staying over, meeting up, dinners, the usual things. Last year I discovered all that time he had been seeing another girl, going away for holidays with her while telling me he had training with work and in fact she was more likely the reason he moved out. She had known I existed, when I found out, he left her.
He promised the sun, moon and stars and we got back together, after which she discovered she was pregnant with his child, he wanted us to stay together, which we did. The baby came, understandably I saw a lot less of him at the start when he was helping out a lot, but still kept in contact. The child is nearly one now, no formal visiting arrangements are made, he sees her 5 days a week at least, I end up sitting on my own while he's at her house. The child's mother rings him over the tiniest thing and he goes running, he also recently told me he'd been talking about us to her as they're such good friends. This woman never wanted them to break up and still would like them to be a family unit. He doesn't like me socialising with my friends when he's not there and if I do I get grief for it. Because of the cheating, my friends dislike him and he dislikes them. I know reading it back it sounds like I'm mad to have put up with it for so long. He's very persuasive, how he wants us to get married etc. He's been in my life so long that I seem to find it hard to say no to him. I'm also nearly 30, he's 32. Has anyone been in a situation like this? I come from a small town which means I see the mother of his child regularly, I salute but she blanks me. Any advice would be appreciated.

Carriexx

HI - can you see a future? With him going back and forth every day. Do you think they would get back together?

And also what right has she to snub you, she knew about you - you didnt know about her.

Could they not make a formal arrangment - that the baby comes to your house for certain amount of time every week - would you even want that??

ibarelycare

Wow. You have really put up with a lot from him, not many people would still be with their partners at that stage.

Why can't he spend time with his child away from the mother? Are you not suspicious that there's something going on there? I hope I don't offend you too much but from what you posted you seem like a complete doormat and he obviously knows he can walk all over you. You're putting up with your boyfriend playing happy families 5 days a week with the woman he had an affair on you with! Sorry, but that's absolutely crazy. I know he wants to spend time with his child but that does not mean spending time with the mother.

Not only that but he give you grief for wanting to spend time with your friends when he spends all that time with that woman??

I feel really sorry for you. I don't know why you want to be with his man. However, if you're determined to make this relationship work you need to put your foot down and demand that he sort out proper custody arrangements for his child AWAY from the mother.

hopeful as always

I cant see them getting back together, he maintains he was using her as a distraction, they had a very secret relationship, conducted mainly out of town. I dunno, maybe I'm naive but I feel if they were going to get back together they would have by now. I told him to go back to her when she was pregnant but he made it clear he had broken up with her before that for a reason.
She doesnt want me to have anything to do with the child so I havent even seen a huge amount of the child. He either goes to the child's mother's house or brings the child to his parents house.
I don't know if there's a future at this stage and I feel time is pushing on for me.

ibarelycare, don't worry it's not the first time I've been called a doormat in this situation! I don't know, he literally has a hold over me. He doesnt like me meeting my friends because I think deep down he knows they'd love me to leave him. Im at the point I don't even talk about our relationship with them.

Toast4532

Why the hell are you in such a relationship with such a person?

He has a hold over you, he doesn't like you seeing your friends without him, he had an affair on you, see's the mother of his child regularly, allows the child's mother to dictate you not having anything to do with the child, gives you grief for going out with your friends without him.

You are being an utter doormat OP. You seriously need to get a dose of reality and realise this man and this relationship is not healthy or good for either of you.

I can't blame your friends (or family) for not liking him and not wanting you to be his girlfriend. If one of your friends or family members was in your situation, what would you think of their partner and say to them? Would you want to continue on in such a relationship? Would you be happy for them. You need to get out of this relationship now, you should have gotten out of it a long long time ago.

It won't be easy breaking up or moving on afterwards, but if you continue on in this relationship you are only going to end up miserable. You have put up with so much from your partner and he knows he can walk all over you and that's exactly what he will continue to do. He will walk all over you until you stand up to him.

Speak to your doctor, family, friends, even a counsellor to help you to move on if you do break up. It will be very difficult adjusting to a live without all of this, but it will be worth it.

You will find someone who will treat you, love you and care for you like you should be. If you continue on in this relationship you will have nothing but a life of misery.

I wouldn't be surprised if he he eventually stopped you from seeing your friends and family completely and you will become dependent on him, and him alone.

I apologise for being harsh OP, but you really need to see the reality of the situation and get away from this man ASAP!

Rachelmhr

I think it's shocking the way the other woman doesnt want you near the child.. is she serious?? SHE was the one who got into an affair not you!! I doubt you even care much for the child forgive me if I'm wrong but IMO - run! And do not look back. You have wasted a few years with this muppet and I sincerely think you should get away from him. If the shoe were on the other foot he would have legged it and I think you may know that already OP!!

charlietheminxx

Controlling men are dangerous and you're letting this one away with everything OP.

Even aside from the fact he has a child with the woman he had an affair with, he's disrepectful and the things you have said have sent alarm bells ringing for me.

You're still young and deserve so much more. Please don't waste your life on people who would treat you this way.

Imagine if you and he had a child together - how would he juggle that then? Is her child going to be allowed near their half sibling?

There may be other people who can deal with situations like this, but him and his former mistress are NOT dealing with it maturely and you're the one losing out. It's a mess OP and there is no future in it. Go back to your friends, who are only looking out for you, and seize the chance to start over.

Big Bag of Chips

Think of it this way... If you left him, do you think he'd be single for long?

Really, really think about that.... And that might give you an answer as to how he REALLY feels about you and your relationship.

It's not unheard of for couples to recover from this. But it takes a lot of work from both people in the relationship. In your case though, you seem to be the only one making all the effort. Trying to please him, not doing things that you know will cause hassle.

He cheated on you, and had a child... And now you're the one trying to keep things smooth and not rock the boat in the relationship.

You should value yourself more. You are so young. If you knew your friend (or future daughter) was in this situation, what would your advice be... Honestly.

Edit: You want to know how to stay away? Very easily, tell him it's over, and then go. Stay with a friend, go back home for a while, whatever, but leave and tell whoever you go to, to not let him contact you. If you can't trust yourself to stay away, ask for help. Actually, no need to tell him just move out one of the next days he's at her house!

Merkin

hopeful as always wrote: »

The child is nearly one now, no formal visiting arrangements are made, he sees her 5 days a week at least, I end up sitting on my own while he's at her house. The child's mother rings him over the tiniest thing and he goes running

To me the very obvious subtext here is that it is in fact YOU who are the bit on the side rather than this other girl. Don't you think that is a distinct possibility? He's spending the majority of his time over there with his family and you are leaving yourself at his disposal hon. As for blaming yourself that you worked too hard and that's why he strayed? Don't start apportioning blame on yourself, he sounds like a rat who dumped you like a hot snot at the first sniff of someone else. You've put up with far too much and the best thing you can do is cut him loose and start going out with your friends (which he's not happy about? The VERY cheek of him :mad:) and getting your life together without him. To me it's blatantly obvious why this "other" woman blanks you on the street, she doesn't like HER partner spending so much time with you. He sounds like a total knob and I'd be cutting him loose at the first opportunity if I were you.

nowyouresix

Run darling.....run run run. Don't look back. This whole situation is a farce. Sorry, but it is.

Defiler Of The Coffin

He's making a complete and utter fool out of you. You know this deep down but for whatever reason you are afraid to leave. Get whatever support you need (I'm sure your family will help you as best they can) and leave this man, otherwise you are going to end up very unhappy.

LegacyUser

Cut your losses now, get out of dodge!
You are worth more than this, you need to look after number one and find a man that respects you.
GOOD LUCK

Meauldsegosha

OP get out now, do yourself a favour and don't think about this man any longer he doesn't care for you he doesn't love you. Get out now.