... from being a doormat

LegacyUser

I could do with some advice. Even though I’m a fairly happy-go-lucky type of person, I’ve two siblings who leave me completely drained and feeling incredibly low for long periods of time after having any interaction with them. Both of them are very strong willed with extremely forceful personalities, believing that they are right in everything and refusing to take account of anyone else’s opinions or feelings.

Other people have reached this conclusion independently of any input from me so I don’t think that I am exaggerating. They can be incredibly charming and kind to outsiders (over-done a lot of the time in my opinion, particularly when they are trying to impress someone), but if something is said or done that they don’t agree with or they perceive as a personal insult, that changes very quickly, particularly with extended family members.

Incidentally, they don’t communicate with each other at the moment. They have insulted and belittled each other so much over the years, I’m not sure that they ever will again.

After a series of rows a number of years ago (which were devastating to me causing a prolonged period of depression) I decided that I would take a light, chatty approach to any conversations with either of them and avoid serious issues whenever possible.

Some of the time this works fairly well, but there are occasions when they say very nasty and hurtful things and I know if I had any backbone I'd stand up for myself instead of being a doormat and letting it pass to avoid a row. Instead I come home and usually end up feeling really low for days/weeks at a time. This has impacted on my own family in the past, so I usually try to hide it and have a good bawl when alone.

I am content and reasonably assertive in other aspects of my life, but this problem is getting me down a lot again recently. I should add that, on occasion, they have been jointly (and separately, since falling out with each other) verbally and emotionally abusive to our parents over the years. Our parents take a similar approach to mine, and like to have peace at any price (something that has been taken full financial advantage of) but I can see the effect this has had on them too and would like to find some solution – without starting WWIII.

Any advice would be welcome.

username123

Why do you keep them in your life at all?

I have one sibling, he is an incredibly toxic individual who brought far more stress and upset into my life than anything positive, so after weighing it all up and having been upset one too many times, I simply detached and cut him off completely. We have been estranged for 3 years or more now and I can honestly say it was a good decision. I never felt guilty or bad about it, I only felt relieved that I didnt have to continue to have such an awful selfish individual in my life anymore.

Ive no idea how he feels about it, nor do I care.

LegacyUser

I guess because I've always believed that blood is thicker than water. Now I'm really beginning to wonder about that one. Another reason is that I'm concerned about my parents' welfare as they get older.

To be honest, I'm not as depressed about the whole thing - just sick and tired of it and hoping for a solution that probably doesn't exist.

Roisy7

I agree with username123. Of course it is nicer to have a supportive family but it doesn't always happen.

How old are you OP? If you are an adult simply focus on your own life and leave them live theirs. Don't answer the phone to them. Sure they might start roaring and screaming but leave them off.

I think counselling/assertiveness training might benefit you as well, because you've had to deal with these people for so long and they've ground you down.

username123

Footprints on my back ... wrote: »

I guess because I've always believed that blood is thicker than water.

Its a shame tone is so hard to impart on a message forum. Id like to have written HAHAHAHAHAHA to that - but it wouldnt come across well!!

Instead Ill say this - blood is not thicker than water. The people who have done the most for me in my life have not been my family. Just because an accident of birth relates you to someone does not mean that you have to have a closer connection to them than to anyone else. I dont suffer fools in my life, and I couldnt care less if it was a twin (maximum gene sharing!) or a complete stranger. People earn respect and love, there is no entitlement to it. If someone is an asshole, they are an asshole and it doesnt matter if they are related to you or not. Being 'family' is not a licence to treat people badly.

Roisy7

But they don't believe that blood is thicker than water, going by the way they treat you and each other.

You can have a relationship with your parents without your siblings being involved?

I'm a big believer in "treat others like you would like to be treated". Everyone deserves to be treated with respect until they do something to lose that respect. They've done enough now to lose your respect.

You don't have to cut them out completely if you're not comfortable with that and you feel it would upset your parents, but try to detach emotionally and be unavailable for either of these people.

LegacyUser

Lots of families have siblings which are impossible to get along with. I take a very simple approach to it now after years of pointless arguments and bad atmostphere, and personality clashes, and awful bullying. If they were friends would they still be in your life? No. You wouldn't put up with it. So why are you wasting your energy now dealing with them? Cut them out, and because they're family I know that this can be difficult with christmas etc. Keep contact to the very, very minimum. Simple as that. Cut them out, you have your own family, your own friends and your own life. Just because they're siblings, doesn't mean that you have to spend time with them! And yes, it is as easy as that!

Reesy

OP, just one suggestion: You could get some training in being assertive (there are books, as I'm sure you know) and then tackle one of the siblings. It'd be tough, but personally I think sibling relationships are worth extra effort. Whether either sibling is worth the effort & discomfort you'd have to go through, only you can answer.