Any advice?

limerickhurl

Hi all,

Bit of advice here would be most welcome. It's a relationship-type query, and it would be interesting to hear other people's opinion on it.

Quite angry at the moment, and I hope this doesn't colour my representation of the situation...and by the same token, I hope I'm not completely overreacting and come across being a bit of a diva!

My girlfriend is living and working in Africa, she moved at the start of this year on a one year contract, which is due up in February. At the time, I was (genuinely) hugely supportive of her doing this, it was something she always wanted to do, and in her line of work, probably necessary in order for her to get more experience. We both wanted to keep things going, and I made plans to visit for 7 weeks during my holidays in order to break it up. We had a fantastic time.

For Christmas, we reckon there are two options. Either I go back over to spend two weeks there, and we split the cost of the flight, or she comes back to Ireland for Christmas, also splitting the cost. However, the caveat here is, if she comes back to Ireland for Christmas, she says she wants to stay on in Africa volunteering up until at least May. Her parents really want her to come home for Christmas, so I think that's what she really wants to do...I know though if she comes home, she'll have to catch up with friends and family, so we may not have that much time together, just the two of us.

Am I being uncooperative if I think it is really unfair if she stays on for the extra few months? She reckons it's a fantastic opportunity for her to do the volunteering, and she's probably right. But I have this nagging feeling that it's also extremely selfish...am I overreacting?

As I said, from the beginning I was very supportive of her decision to do the year in Africa but now I feel let down that she won't come home when the contract is up. I suppose what I'm asking is should I feel justified in calling her on this, and saying is it really a bit much to ask of me?

lc180

I am in no way qualified to give you advice on this so i won't.

But one thing i will say is I don't think you are being selfish here. You not only made an agreement but a pretty significant life choice because of her and she is now choosing to possible break it. I know its not as simple as that but I think its not fair on you.

Just my two cents...

Challo

I'm not sure if I'm missing something, but what's the reason that she wants to stay until May if she's home for Christmas? Is it an obligation in terms of annual leave or some deal that she struck with herself?

I guess some would say an extra three months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things but if it's not something that you're discussed before, then of course you're feeling annoyed. I don't have specific advice - talk it over with her more and more and make sure you're heard too.

limerickhurl

Cheers for the replies.

She's coming home for Christmas to satisfy her parents, really. If I was going to Africa for Christmas, then her argument was that she would come home when her contract is up, but now that she's got her heart set on coming home she thinks it buys her time to go do her own thing for a few months.

It just really annoys me, as someone said it wasn't part of the deal! But again, don't want to be seen as being overly possessive and unsupportive, but I will say it to her, and see what respone I get.

Dr Galen

I think this thread is going to be more suited to RI than here in tGC

I'm locking and moving the thread

The RI Mods can decide if it meets their criteria etc and re-open if appropriate

Cheers

DrG

Meauldsegosha

How exactly is her staying in Africa an extra few months going to effect you? Had you made plans to do something when she came home in February? If not and you just want her to come home because that was the original plan then yes you are being incredibly selfish.

stargazer 68

limerickhurl wrote: »

Hi all,

she says she wants to stay on in Africa volunteering up until at least May. ..
She reckons it's a fantastic opportunity for her to do the volunteering, and she's probably right. But I have this nagging feeling that it's also extremely selfish...am I overreacting?

You think she is being selfish because she wants to spend an extra couple of months in Africa volunteering?? :eek:
I don't think she is the selfish one here - yes it wasn't part of the original arrangement but if you were so supportive of her going in the first place then surely a couple of months extra won't hurt!

pastorbarrett

To my mind, this is understandable form both perspectives. I don't believe it's necessarily about either party being selfish- you miss her and she undoubtedly misses you, and a year isn't an inconsiderable amount of time to be away from one another. That said, perhaps these few extra months will be of great use to her and beneficial in the long run.

Personally, I'd encourage her to do it and I'd do so without any disclaimers/ caveats. Relationships are often (mostly!) about sacrifice and if it's a relationship worth having (which it seems to be), she'll implicitly appreciate what you're doing in supporting her, and it will benefit your relationship tenfold in the long run.

Granted, money and time will likely pose difficulties, but would it be feasible for either of you to visit during this extended period? Maybe it's an idea worth broaching. Best of luck

limerickhurl

All advice welcome, cheers.

I think being 'incredibly selfish' is a bit harsh, as it just took me back as I was just told recently...no mention of it had been made before.

I suppose it would be a bad sign of our relationship if I didn't want her back.

ManOfMystery

I think there's 2 points to note here.

First off .......... I realise that your gf changing her plans at this point is somewhat annoying for you, given that you were probably looking forward to her return in February, but I think you need to be more understanding. She's not away working for a week 3hrs across the county. She's in Africa, which is hugely distanced from us not just in terms of miles, but also culture and living conditions. As such, it's entirely possible that her experience out there in such an unfamiliar setting has had a much bigger impact on her than either of you expected, and this could be why she feels the need to stay on a little while longer to help out. She's already been out 12 months - will another 3 months really be that unbearable? It's easier to do it that way than for to return here feeling like there's unfinished business and wanting to go out again sometime. This is one of those things which may seem divisive right now, but when you're 50 or 60 you look back and wonder why she didn't just stay another few months like she wanted - it will seem nothing more than the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.

However .................... on another note, I have some trouble understanding her logic. If you go to her at Xmas for 2 weeks, she'll come home in February? But if she comes home at Xmas for 2 weeks, she wants to stay an extra 3 months in Africa beyond February? That doesn't seem to make much sense in my head. She either wants to volunteer for a few months extra, or she doesn't - where she happens to be for those 2 weeks over Xmas shouldn't have any massive impact on her decision, assuming her main reason for staying is actually to volunteer and not just because she couldn't be arsed coming home yet.

Lorna123

You have been very cooperative up to this OP and a year is a very long time. I can understand how you want your life back, it has been on hold now for the last 9 months, then you had February to look forward to and now that has turned into June. I would be annoyed too. If anyone is being selfish it is her, you gave her an inch and now she is taking a mile.

However, in the grand scheme of things she feels that this is an opportunity that she will not get again, so it is easy now for her to continue on until June. I don't understand why she is putting this opportunity before you though. I would have thought she was away long enough. I also would have thought that she would want to come back to continue on her life with you.

I suppose you will just have to grin and bear this OP, I see your point but what can you do, bar breaking up with her and you don't want to go down that route, so just pretend you are okay with it. That's all you can do. It is disappointing but you will just have to suck it up.

Idle Passerby

Its only 3 months extra and your going to see her at Christmas regardless. Its a long journey so if she's coming home at Christmas I can see how staying there longer justifies the flight home and she'll probably feel less homesick after seeing everyone at home for a few weeks.

The way you say she'll have to spend time with her friends and family and you wont get her all to yourself comes across as very possessive. She's away from them too, your not the only person she's missing. I think its selfish for you to want her to meet you in Africa at Christmas, that solves your concerns of missing her, then rush back to you in February before she wants to come home. Your only thinking of what you want.

Shes obviously doing something she finds rewarding, why would you want to stand in the way of that? And like I said, its only a few months, that's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Gooner111

At xmas don't demand any time from her. She will want to see you, family and friends and relax. Don't put any pressure on her. Her equating two weeks at xmas to staying in Africa for 3 extra months makes no sense to me! She obviously wants to stay and should just be honest with you (maybe afraid of your reaction).

As for its only a few months, can you be sure it is only a few more months. What if after that it turns into another few months and another few months and so on... . Yes she is doing something rewarding and you are right to encourage it but not indefinitely. Others have posted not to stand in her way and while I agree but to what extent? I think you need to find out about the future. Will this be something she will do again and again??? What about you??? Where do you fit in??? Can you cope with more of this??? What type of future do you have in mind??? What type of future does she have in mind??? You should talk to her and ask her what she wants to do and definitely find out if she plans on staying longer than May. Honestly though if it is truely only for a few extra months (until May) then you will cope.

Chicago Chick

If it is only for a few more months them I wouldn't want to be the one to stand in her way if I were you but I would be thinking along the same lines as Gooner111.

I don't see her logic in that if she comes home for christmas she wants to stay until May but if she doesn't she'll be home in February? How did she reach this conclusion? Also I would be concerned that it could be a few months, followed by another few months, followed by a few more. Have you discussed this with her? While what she is doing is admirable you can not put your life on hold in the long term so it may be worth discussing with her what she is thinking and what her long term plans are for both your sakes. Best of luck with it all.

limerickhurl

Hi everyone,

First of all thanks you all for your advice. Whatever you thought about my predicament, I honestly appreciate all your thoughts; indeed, I was looking for advice.

The replies seem divided about whether or not I was right to be quite galled; some believe I'd be right to bring this up with her, while others derided me and believed I was selfish and needy (in fact, someone made an excellent point about how could she be selfish - she's volunteering for crying out loud!)

But what the divided opinions have proved to me is that this isn't an easy issue to solve. I've calmed down quite a bit from when I started this thread, and I believe the suddenness of her saying to me that she might stay on for a few months just took me aback a bit. We are a strong couple, and we both know that such a long distance relationship DOES put strain on both parties - it's not as if we can have a fight, and then I can throw my arm around and reassure her. So it is difficult.

Like anything in this life (warning, I'm going to get quite deep here!) nothing worth having in this life comes easy, so there you go. I will support her in whatever she wants to do, but also am realistic to know that it's not healthy for this to continue in perpetuity, and I think I am within my rights to ask her what her plans will be once the volunteering ends and she returns to Ireland. With the economy the way it is, and the field of work she is in, I am aware of the fact that her job and work may never see her settle, and this is something we really need to discuss and not let fester. We both deserve more than that.

As regards her coming home for Christmas....I may not have been clear, so apologies. She says she couldn't not see her family for 18 months, so either she was to come home for Christmas and stay on, or if I was to go over, she would come home in February. In all honesty, I think I know that underneath it all she wanted to do the former.

Once again, thanks for all your advice. As I said, it would be a bad sign if I didn't want her home, and even if that sounds selfish to some, that's just the way it is. But with the benefit of thinking about it and reading your advice, I will support her and wait, but with the proviso that we both know where the relationship is ultimately going.