He's having my baby opening chapter for my first novel any opinions appreciated

tripper1963

Who in their right mind brings a pop tart in to the toilet to eat while they’rehaving a crap? Weird or what?, When you begin to tell a story while sitting in the toilet cubicle of a rundown disco bar in North Dublin you sort of suspect it’s gonna go downhill from here on in and THE fact that Huey is in the cubicle next to me eating is making me conscious. There is not a sound to be heard so I’m guessing he put down some toilet roll first so I don’t hear the plop noisewhen he releases an excrement torpedo so I better cough loudly if I suspect I am about to emit any farts. “What is a prelude Les” Huey shouted over the partition wall. Nice guy Huey but he can be a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.“It precedes an event” I said. I did honours English that’s how I knew what it meant-“Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouths closed” Huey asked. “**** off Huey I’m not in the mood and I am busy trying to tell my story



-My name is Les and this is my story. “Who are you talking to Les”- Huey wanted to know. God give me strength it’s not as if I don’t have enough on my plate at the moment what with me been pregnant and everything else going on-Men can actually get pregnant? Shock horror! Don’t try to guess how or ask why I’ll get to that later yes it can and has happened here at Funkys the bar in which I’m employed as a barman along with my sister Tara. As I begin to tell you my story I am sitting here on the toilet feeling extremely unwell. I am thinking back to a time when I was not pregnant. I was in school. And I can picture it as if it was only yesterday-The year was 1996-My teacher had an arse that was as addictive as bubble wrap hmmmmm……. “How do they wrap bubble wrap” asked Huey-. “Piss off Huey I mean it”. Now where was I- before been rudely interrupted…? “Telling them about your teachers bum” Huey reminded me -ah yes my teacher-I was in secondary school somewhere in North Dublin I won’t say where but it rhymes with Coolock. I was fourteen at the time; bum fluff on my upper lip and hundreds of zits our teacher faced the whole class one sunny Thursday afternoon and said…..



“Using a sheet of toilet paper scribble down what you want outta life. One sheet ought to be sufficient”-Talk about giving a teenage boy an inferiority complex! At fourteen I was full of naïve ideas I’d a needed a whole toilet roll to jot down what was going on in my head. At that age I was normal all I worried about was the varying lengths of pubic hair evolving from my testicles each new day and my incessant desire to see Sharon Foyle naked from the waist up and see her boobies which I never did get to see more is the pity-why the waist up I often wondered what happens when you reach 15 do you just wake up one day get out of bedand think I wanna see Sharon Foyle naked from the waist down instead? As usual in school me been Les I’d the urge to retaliate call me a show off if you want guilty as charged I just had to play to the waiting gallery i.e. my mates loitering at the back of the class scrawling graffiti and spitting at each other . “Miss I’ve a big arse does that make a difference?” Our teacher Miss Ford was mad in to the idea of finding alternative uses for toilet paper- I suspect she ended up lashing the arse off some eco warrior working for Greenpeace –and she was very fond of dishing out exemplary put downs to pubescent teenagers. “In your case Les just jot down would you like fries with that it’s a sentence you’ll come to know very well”. The cheeky mare! Everyone jeered she called for quiet- at the time working with chips every day didn’t seem such a bad idea to me. I loved chips when I was a kid. I’d no choice but to give her the LOOK! ‘I don’t care you didn’t offend me’ look- she turned away smirking and walked back up to the blackboard to do what we called ‘the wiggle’!



With hindsight I know now been a lot older she was doing it on purpose she wore those tight corduroy trousers in to work every day knowing damn well we’d seeher VPL as she suggestively wiggled her roundly shaped arse as she scribbled down nouns adverbs and especially adjectives you could almost hear thesimultaneous popping of erections while with her back to us she gyrated her hips in perfect harmony making synchronised chalk hadron’s a legitimate contender to be an Olympic sport. Today fast forward ten years on here you find me sitting down in the toilet waiting to piss staring at my one sheet of toilet roll and not a chip in sight I prefer mash potato funnily enough- yeah look I let you in to a secret you’re right-guys normally stand when they urinate but since I can’t see me dick because I have a large bump protruding and I actually look like I’m eight months pregnant there isn’t much point. Will there be splash back I hear you ask? Only if I stood up –which I’ve stopped doing. I had to if I stood to urinate now I’d be like a super duper garden hose nozzle attachment not one inch of the outside of an armitage shanks toilet bowl would avoid getting wet.



What would Sharon Foyle say if she could see me now? Even if she was naked from the waist down it wouldn’t have any effect. My libido and dignity are long gone.Would she look at me now in this state and think ‘you’re a freak Les men don’t get pregnant’. Or would her maternal instinct kick in and she’d offer to rub my belly with oil to prevent me getting stretch marks? She’s in Australia so why am I even bothering talking to myself asking dumb questions? Truth is- I hate the way I look and what I’ve become I’m very hard on myself always have been.How did I let me self-get Pregnant in the first place and at my age! I should have known better. When I think back to that day, when it all kicked off was it my own fault? Afraid so, okay fair enough it did actually occur unintentionally you could even argue it was artificial insemination but see there was irony tome getting caught. Throughout all my teenage years I had always hated using durex anyway or diving gear as we called it-where I grew up in north Dublin the definition of safe sex had nothing to do with contraception safe sex meant been able to do it upstairs in your Ma’s house while the TV soaps were on because you were almost guaranteed never to be disturbed for twenty four minutes andtwenty six seconds-funny thing is I never knew anyone who could actually bonk for an entire episode of Coronation Street. Had Sharon obliged with my favourite wet dream fantasy where she covered her entire body in peanut butter and then asked me to lick it off her I’d have been finished long before the opening titles had gone off the screen.

Rubecula

Interesting. Quite an odd slant on things and quite enjoyable to read through. Good work.

tripper1963

Thank you Rebecula for your insight i tried to come up with something different